


Another Life

by Spacedancer



Series: There’s Always Hope [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Age Difference, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Caring Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Comforting Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Declarations Of Love, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Established Relationship, F/M, Falling In Love, Feel-good, Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Grumpy Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Happy Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Hurt/Comfort, Life on the Enterprise, Love, Mutual Pining, Older Man/Younger Woman, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Rating May Change, Romance, Romantic Fluff, TOS feeling, Temporary Amnesia, Tender Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Tenderness, Touch-Starved, True Love, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Worried Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:46:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 71
Words: 177,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22109578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spacedancer/pseuds/Spacedancer
Summary: The lovely Dr. Jennifer Hope, recently promoted to lieutenant, is finally back on the Enterprise. Much to the delight of a certain CMO.But can Hope and McCoy just pick up where they left off? And if so, are they headed for a happy ever after? Or are there yet more surprises and obstacles to overcome?Between the two of them, they’ll certainly keep the rest of the crew on their toes.
Relationships: Leonard "Bones" McCoy Prime/Original Female Character(s), Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Original Female Character(s)
Series: There’s Always Hope [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1591444
Comments: 412
Kudos: 48





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the sequel to ‘On Borrowed Time’, but can also be read as a stand-alone.  
> However, if you contemplate reading the whole series and don’t like spoilers, I recommend starting with ‘On Borrowed Time’. (Spoilers will be found in the very first chapter of ‘Another Life’ already!)
> 
> With real life being pretty busy at the moment, I won’t be able to update on an almost daily basis anymore, but I promise to be as quick as possible. So please bear with me. 
> 
> As always, comments are very welcome! I thrive on feedback. 
> 
> ************  
> Disclaimer:  
> Nothing of or associated with Star Trek is mine – it all belongs to Paramount / ViacomCBS (or whoever else is currently holding the rights). This is a work of fanfiction, no infringement intended.

Dr. Leonard McCoy stepped out of the shower, a silly grin on his face. In fact, he hadn’t been able to wipe that grin off his face all day, and had happily endured Kirk’s gentle teasing and even Spock’s cryptic remarks. Nothing could spoil his good mood today, he thought, because tonight, Dr. Jennifer Hope, Jenny to him, was beaming back aboard the _Enterprise_.

He felt like a teenager getting ready for prom night. There were a million butterflies fluttering around in his stomach at the thought of seeing Hope again in only a few minutes. He was whistling cheerfully as he pulled on his uniform trousers and boots, and slipped on a fresh blue medic tunic. Then he looked affectionately at the face of the lovely young woman smiling at him from his computer screen, as she proudly showed off the new stripes on the sleeves of her red Starfleet uniform.

The young woman was exceptionally pretty. Beautiful even, if anyone cared to ask McCoy. She had dark brown, slightly wavy hair that looked a bit unruly, even though she wore it fastened in a knot behind her neck, and big brown eyes, twinkling with youthful vigour, a little mischievousness mixed in among the warmth she emanated.

It was a freeze frame from Hope’s latest message, telling him that she now held the rank of lieutenant and was returning to serve on the _Enterprise_ on Captain Kirk’s special request.

 _Bless him_ , McCoy thought fondly.

He was immensely grateful to his friend for bringing Hope back aboard the _Enterprise._ Although he knew, of course, that Jim hadn’t requested her transfer just to do him a favour, but because he genuinely wanted her on his ship, having great expectations for this young officer.

It had become McCoy’s habit to keep a freeze frame from her most recent message on his screen, so that he would wake up to her lovely, happy face every morning. That was his little secret not even Jim knew about. He gently traced a finger around her beautiful lips and tenderly touched a hand to the screen as if to cup her face like he had a thousand times before. And tonight, at long last, he’d be able to touch her again for real. He just couldn’t wait.

Hope had first come aboard the _Enterprise_ about a year and a half ago, as both a credentialed doctor of linguistics and a recruit straight from Starfleet Academy, and McCoy had fallen head over heels in love with her. Just like about every other man aboard, and probably quite a lot of women, too. Hope had this way about her, you just could not but adore her.

Of course, his love for her had been purely platonic in the beginning, his feelings for her nothing but paternal and protective, or so he’d told himself and everybody else, including Hope. And it hadn’t been a total lie, either. With her slight frame and endearing need for touch, her youthful enthusiasm and determination to hide her shy and almost timid young soul behind a convincingly professional and cheerful face, as well as her admirable courage that sometimes bordered on nearly Kirk-like recklessness, she’d triggered every protective instinct in him.

Although having been an exceptionally successful student at the Academy, she hadn’t been cleared for starship assignment due to being slightly underweight with some minor health issues. Therefore, Starfleet Command had sent her on a training flight aboard the _Enterprise_ , for Captain Kirk to help with the final decision whether or not she was fit for starship duty.

Smiling to himself, McCoy remembered that Kirk had not been impressed at all by those orders. In fact, he’d been furious at the time. Until he’d met Hope in person, of course, and had been swept off his feet by her, just like everybody else. She was brilliant as well as beautiful, but most of all, she had the loveliest, warmest personality imaginable.

McCoy had first met her while having dinner with Jim in the mess, embarrassing himself by rudely grousing about Starfleet HQ sending linguists instead of badly needed medical staff, before realising that she was standing right behind him. But Hope had just laughed it off good-naturedly, seeing right through his grumpy façade from the very start. Then she’d volunteered to work for him in sickbay, wanting to be of use where she was really needed rather than insisting on working in her field of expertise.

After only a couple of weeks, Hope’s presence had turned sickbay into a warm and cheerful place that people no longer feared and avoided, but actively sought out. It was as if she’d turned on the sun. She could do that wherever she went. And in his heart, too. To the point where people started to whisper about him being in danger of losing his reputation as grumpiest CMO in the Fleet.

Hope and McCoy had grown close over the following months, caring deeply for each other and enjoying each other's company immensely. In her youthful vigour, she'd filled his life with joy and laughter.

_ Mind you, with a fair amount of worry, too! _ he thought wryly. 

And the doctor had been her safe haven, offering comfort and the feeling of security that she, having no family, painfully missed. He'd helped her through a difficult time, gaining her trust until she’d confided in him about actually having been born in the 20th century. A secret, Starfleet had made her keep, that had been weighing heavily on her. 

The doctor and Hope had been on several assignments together and shared a deep, affectionate friendship. But it had taken them almost a year to finally admit to, and act on, their real feelings for each other towards the end of some joint shore leave. 

They had spent an amazing night together, only to find out the next day that she'd been transferred to the _Lexington_. That meant, of course, that she’d been cleared for starship duty by Starfleet, and was actually joyful news. But it had certainly broken their hearts to have to part again so soon. Just remembering that last evening together still brought tears to his eyes. How they’d both done their very best to stay strong for each other, not quite able to find appropriate words of comfort, then having to watch her fade in the transporter beam, brave smiles plastered on both their faces until the very last moment.

Their one heavenly night of passion, so incredibly tender and fulfilling, had without doubt been the most wonderful night of his life. And it had changed him forever. They’d spent the next day in the afterglow of their first night together. Their love for each other had been unquestioned, but, not knowing how little time they'd have, they hadn’t talked about future plans any further than their next meal. They’d been in no hurry to discuss how to handle their new relationship, let alone exclusivity. There’d been no need to. Or so they'd thought. 

When she was gone, it was as if all the joy and light had been taken out of his life. He’d realised that he was becoming much more irritable than ever before, but he just couldn't help it. In the year he’d known her, Hope had completely changed his life. Long before she'd declared his love for him. He'd been perfectly happy on the _Enterprise_ before. He’d had his friends, his work. But after having known life with Hope aboard, it just wasn't the same without her. She'd shown him a kind of happiness and contentment he'd never known before. 

Jim had been the only one who knew, whom he’d confided in. Or rather, who’d forced it out of him. McCoy was aware that he must have been insufferable in those first few weeks, maybe months. Heartbroken and eaten up by worry about Hope, he’d snapped at everyone who came too close, biting the head off anyone who’d so much as ask him a question. The rest of the crew surely suspected, but Jim was the only one who actually knew for sure. Who knew about the night before she’d had to leave. And he’d been an incredible friend these past few months. The only thing between the doctor and self-destruction.

McCoy had been worrying about Hope incessantly, his mind refusing to listen to reason, coming up with ever new and more horrible scenarios regarding the dangers she might find herself in instead. The nights had been worst, his worries and fears even haunting him in his dreams.

First thing every morning, he’d log onto his computer, hoping to find a message from her. And sure enough, there’d been one at least once a week, reassuring him somewhat. She'd unfailingly sent him a message every week, bless her. Sometimes even more often, fully aware of how he tended to worry about her, especially when he knew her to be on one of her more dangerous missions. But his peace of mind had never lasted very long, and sooner rather than later he’d started fretting yet again.

Their communications had been very affectionate and personal, but not too intimate. They’d never mentioned their night together. Hope would tell lots of stories about her new assignment and crewmates, and he could tell that she was having a good time, which was a great relief to him. He wanted nothing more than for her to be happy. And safe.

Sometimes, she would also confide little troubles or worries, probably to let him know that he was still her confidant, but since most of the communications were recorded messages rather than real time conversations where he could give immediate advice, she’d mostly stick to funny stories, not wanting to disquiet him.

Her messages would always end with her telling him something along the lines of “miss you” or “wish you were here”, and he’d often thought that he could actually feel her longing for him. But the doctor was insecure enough not to be sure about that. She didn’t seem too upset, and the L-word was never said. McCoy and Hope were both people who felt very deeply, but maybe what they’d had that night had only been a shore leave romance for her after all.

Then again, she might just have put on a brave face for him. That would be just like her. Or ‘missing him’ might have become a phrase she used from force of habit. He couldn’t know. And he certainly hadn’t dared to ask. He’d neither wanted to compromise her, nor had he really wanted to know if she’d actually moved on.

But whatever her feelings towards him now, at least she would be around again. That alone was more than enough. He’d be able to bask in her delightful presence once more. And he'd always know where she was, and how she was. If she was safe. And happy. He'd not have to worry about her being in some kind of danger without him even being aware of it anymore. And, worst of all, having to rely on some other physician to keep her alive and well. 

When he’d first found out about her returning to the _Enterprise_ , McCoy had entertained romantic fantasies of welcoming Hope with a bouquet of a dozen red roses, sweeping her into his arms right off the transporter platform. But at the same time, he'd been afraid of making a fool of himself.

His feelings for her certainly hadn't changed. If anything, they had only grown stronger. But even though he was pretty sure he’d felt her love for him, though unspoken, in every one of her messages, he just couldn’t know if she'd want them to pick up right where they'd left off. He'd never asked her to stay faithful, and neither had she. Maybe it went without saying. _He_ certainly couldn't imagine loving anybody else. But the last thing he'd want to do was to force her into a commitment she wasn't ready to make. 

So it was just as well that Uhura and Chapel had organised a surprise ‘party’ for Hope, banning everybody but one good-looking young ensign from welcoming her in the transporter room, thus sparing the doctor the decision. With one last bounce on his toes, and trying to readjust his features into an expression that didn’t broadcast crazy in love, he stepped out of his quarters and went to join the others already waiting to welcome her back.


	2. Chapter 2

Pavel Chekov was standing in Hope’s quarters, chatting with Sulu and Uhura. But his mind was completely elsewhere. A fact that obviously hadn’t gone unnoticed, judging from Uhura’s knowing smile.

Chapel and Uhura had brought them all here, planning to surprise Hope with a big, warm welcome, and he just couldn’t wait to see her again. He’d awfully missed her during the last six months. Her cheerfulness, her kindness, her wit. Their shared love of ballroom dancing. He fondly remembered the long hours of practicing. But dancing was just no fun without her, as he’d found out over the past few months.

After Hope had left for the Lexington, Pavel had tried dancing with, or rather teaching, other partners. All of them lovely women. But it simply hadn’t been the same. They were no match for her in gracefulness or style. And there was simply no replacing the feeling of Jenny in his arms. Pavel just hoped that she’d still want to dance with him, now that she was a lieutenant and would even be heading her own little department.

“I haven’t seen you this happy in a long time, Pavel,” Uhura broke into his thoughts, smiling mildly at him, then added with a grin, “but I admit that I can’t wait to have her back aboard and with the band, either.”

“Oh yes!” Pavel gushed, “I’ve missed her beautiful voice!” And when he saw Uhura glaring at him, he quickly added, “To complement your delightful one, of course!”

Uhura couldn’t help grinning at Chekov’s awkwardness and patted his arm soothingly. He was right, after all. Jenny did have a beautiful voice, no question about it.

The doors to Hope’s quarters hissed open, and Chekov’s face fell a little at seeing a beaming McCoy joining them. Not that he didn’t like their CMO, or begrudge him his uncustomary happiness. Especially since the doctor had obviously had reason to be off-the-scale grouchy for months. But seeing him this cheerful now, confirmed his suspicion that there was more going on between Hope and McCoy than they’d let on.

“Just remember that Jenny loves you dearly,” Uhura whispered, following his gaze to the new arrival at the door, and squeezed his arm comfortingly. She was a good friend, and she meant well, but he could almost hear her adding, _like a brother_ , in her mind. Just like Hope had told him over and over again.

“Don’t say it!” he hissed.

And Uhura’s pitying face told him that she’d been thinking those words exactly.

* * *

Jenny had been looking forward to returning to the _Enterprise_ immensely. To being with all her friends again. And, of course, with that one, special man, she thought fondly, smiling as she twiddled the ring around her finger. A beautiful, dolphin-shaped gold ring that McCoy had bought her on shore leave, after she’d discovered it in a shop window and had told him about having had one just like that in her ‘first life’, around 300 years ago, and associating only special people with it.

She’d really liked her crewmates on the _Lexington_ and had been sad to leave them. But they’d never felt like family, not the way her crewmates on the _Enterprise_ did. So, being transferred back to her first ship truly felt like going home. The fact that Leonard McCoy was waiting there for her, of course, adding more than a little to the feeling.

The kind and handsome, if a little irascible doctor had been there for her from day one, always looking out for her, making her feel wonderfully safe and cared for, ever since she’d first come aboard. He’d also been the one to realise early on, that underneath all her cheerfulness there was a faint sadness, quietly simmering and just waiting to boil over. And with endless patience and compassion, he’d won her trust, as well as her heart, and finally coaxed the truth out of her. Namely that Starfleet had pledged her to secrecy about having been put in stasis with a rare kind of leukaemia in the late 20th century, and only been reanimated and healed less than 5 years ago.

It had taken her a while to realise that her feelings for the ship’s CMO went much deeper than a little schoolgirl crush. And then even longer to find the courage to tell him. He hadn’t made it easy for her, either, never missing a chance to point out how much older he was, and how unfit for relationships. Even though it was obvious how much she meant to him, how deeply he cared for her, he just couldn’t bring himself to admit it, always pretending that his feelings were nothing but fatherly and protective. For some reason, he was convinced that his love, let alone a relationship with him, would ruin her life.

Luckily, his resolve had weakened over their shore leave, and after their first kiss, locked in a loving embrace on the dancefloor, she’d finally been able to talk some sense into him. That long and intense conversation had led to an incredible and eye-opening night of tender lovemaking, introducing her to a level of happiness and contentment she’d never thought possible. Leonard was all she’d ever dreamed of, and more. He was perfect in every way.

All the worse her despair the next day, when Captain Kirk had come to tell her that she’d been transferred to another ship, effective immediately. The news, although basically wonderful, cause for celebration, really, had certainly pulled the rug out from under her. Instead of over the moon, she’d been devasted, hardly able to keep it together for Leonard’s sake. And she had certainly never felt more miserable or alone than on her first day on the _Lexington_.

She’d quickly made new friends, of course. She always did. But none of them were anything close to what the doctor and she’d had. Even long before they’d become lovers. Some of her new crewmates had asked her out, too. Not shy about letting her know that they’d like them to be more than just friends. She’d turned them all down, of course. There was no way she could have fallen in love with any of them. Her heart belonged to no one but McCoy. But some of them had not taken kindly to being rejected. It would have been so much easier, if she’d actually been able to tell them that she was already taken.

* * *

When Jenny beamed aboard, a young ensign she hadn’t met before was waiting for her in the transporter room. He welcomed her aboard with a big grin and gallantly offered to show her to her quarters.

Even though he was very nice and welcoming, she felt a sharp pang of disappointment. Of course, a new crew member beaming aboard didn’t call for a big welcome committee, and she was perfectly aware that, although a first-rate specialist in her field, she was only a lowly crew member in rank. But still, in her heart of hearts, she’d expected to see at least some of her friends on arrival. And she’d certainly counted on Leonard being there.

 _Maybe some emergency is keeping him in sickbay,_ a hopeful voice inside her head piped up.

She'd missed the doctor terribly during the past six months. More than she'd ever have thought possible. And she'd told him so in every message. But she'd also taken care not to sound too forlorn. He was such a worrywart, and she hadn’t wanted to disquiet him.

Besides, they'd only had one night together, after all. It had certainly meant the world to her, but she didn't know, if it held the same meaning for him. At the end of the day, he was only a man, and so much more experienced than her. Maybe spending one night together, no matter how loving and wonderful, didn't automatically entail commitment for him.

They’d talked a lot beforehand, of course, and deep down she knew that he loved and respected her way too much to not have thought of the consequences before taking her to bed. He’d never have deliberately hurt her feelings or taken advantage of her. But she just couldn't be sure, if he was as committed to her as she was to him. Well, maybe he wasn't, seeing as he hadn’t even taken the time to meet her in the transporter room.

She was just glad she’d never even told her closest friends about what had transpired on shore leave. Not for lack of prying on their part, obviously, since Uhura, specifically, had never stopped nagging her about details of her time alone with the good doctor. But for some reason, Jenny had always felt shy and insecure about it, and had been grateful that her having to leave for the _Lexington_ so suddenly after hardly more than a week, had provided the perfect excuse for denying what they surely suspected.

* * *

The moment she entered her quarters, however, finding the small space almost bursting with people happily shouting, “Surprise!” or “Welcome back!” a big smile spread across her face. In an instant, she was surrounded by all her friends, embracing her, patting her on the back, wanting to know every detail about her time away. She was so overwhelmed, she didn’t know where to start or who to talk to first. And she couldn’t stop laughing. Forgotten were her insecurities from a minute ago. She was blissfully happy.

But while trying to reconnect with every one of her friends and answering all their questions, her eyes scanned the room for the one person she most wanted to see. Whose smiling eyes, and soothing voice, and loving arms she’d longed for, more than anything, during the last six months. So she craned her neck, trying to do so subtly, and found that it was not an easy feat for someone as short as her to search a room full of taller people.

Jenny finally discovered the doctor standing on the other side of her quarters, half hidden behind the partition, quietly watching her, a soft smile playing on his lips. When she saw his eyes light up and lock onto hers, everybody else seemed to just fade into the background, as she crossed over to where he was standing, drawn to him as if by some magnetic pull. It seemed to take forever to push through the throng of people crowding her quarters.

When she reached him at last, he gently pecked her on the cheek and softly drawled, “Good to have you back, girl!” Then added, grinning, “And I’m obviously not the only one who thinks so!”

All she wanted to do at that moment was fall into his arms, hold him close and never let go. But of course, she knew that wasn’t going to happen with all the people around. And he knew it, too.

So, he just briefly, but oh so tenderly, touched a gentle hand to her cheek, then gave her a wink and smiled, “Everybody wants to say hello, dear. It’s your party, go back and enjoy it. We’ve all been sorely missing you.”

With that, he gently turned her around by the shoulders, and softly pushed her back into the midst of her ‘guests’, where Jenny returned to being the centre of attention, talking to and being hugged by friend after friend.

* * *

McCoy leaned back against the bulkhead and watched her saunter off, back to greet all her friends as they came and went, crowding the small space of her quarters, and filling it with laughter and happiness. He just couldn’t take his eyes off her. She was even more beautiful than he remembered. Granted, he was biased, but Hope seemed to have both blossomed and matured during her time away.

It felt so good to have her back, to be near her again. He only wished he could have her all to himself now, to hold her and make up for the past six months. To tell her how much he’d missed her. But of course, he knew that he had to wait for the others to leave. He couldn’t be too obvious in front of everyone. The doctor didn’t want to embarrass her. Or himself at that. Yet, it was torture to have her so close again and still not be able to touch her, feel her, kiss her. He hadn’t even dared to give her a hug like everybody else, knowing only too well that he wouldn’t have had the strength to let her go again.

But, of course, it was also good to see how well-loved she still was among the crew, how seamlessly she fit back in. He needed to be patient, which was, admittedly, rather a challenge for him. But for now, he had to content himself with just watching her every move. And enjoying the warmth that filled his heart, when every so often she’d look his way, their eyes meeting across the room, for the briefest of moments conveying all the tenderness and affection they felt. Moments of absolute certainty, leaving no doubt about the love they held for each other.

When she’d first entered her quarters, wearing the ring, her eyes immediately searching the room, her whole face lighting up the moment she spotted him, having eyes for no one but him as she tried to get to where he was standing as fast as she could, he’d known that everything was going to be fine. He’d seen it in her eyes, seen how tempted she was to just throw herself into his arms. That knowledge would have to be enough for the moment. It was all the proof he needed to be reassured of her love for him.

What he didn't know, was that at least two out of three times she’d glanced at him throughout the evening, it was because yet someone else had made her day by telling her how unbearably crabby, even by his standards, the doctor had been over the past few months, quite obviously desperately missing her down in sickbay. 


	3. Chapter 3

“Not quite the ecstatic reunion I’d imagined,” Uhura’s voice snickered close to her ear, as Jenny stepped away from McCoy, her face still glowing from his touch, her heart beating so fast, it felt as if her chest was on fire.

“What were you expecting, Nyota?” she asked, trying to sound indifferent while struggling to get her breathing under control and hoping that her friend hadn’t caught on to her agitation.

“I don’t know, honey,” Uhura replied, eying her suspiciously, “but certainly more than a mere peck on the cheek. Even Frowning Freddy from Engineering had a warmer hug for you!”

“Don’t be silly,” Jenny hoped to appear blasé about it, “the doctor just wanted to be quick, so I could get back to the rest of you.”

Fortunately, Spock chose that exact moment to enter, stepping to her side in one smooth stride.

“It is a pleasure to see you again, Dr. Hope,” he said politely, then surprised her with a swift almost-hug.

“See?” Uhura mouthed from behind the first officer’s shoulder, indicating first Spock, then McCoy with a wave of her hand, smirking once more at having proven her point before turning away.

“It’s good to see you, too, Mr. Spock,” Jenny replied, trying to stay focused. “I had a really interesting time away, but I’m very happy to be back on the _Enterprise_.”

“I will be delighted to hear about your experiences.”

Spock inclined his head, sounding genuinely interested, before allowing the corners of his mouth to curl up slightly, coming as close to smiling as a Vulcan could.

“Since you transferred to the _Lexington_ , Dr. McCoy and I have engaged in a lot of research together. Now that you are back, I trust you will get the good doctor off my back again? Is that the correct phrase?”

Jenny couldn’t help a snort at both Spock applying human idioms and the meaning behind his words, trusting that the Vulcan knew her well enough to understand that her mirth was directed at what he’d implied, and not at him as a person. And judging from the amused sparkle in his eyes, he did.

“Yes, that is the perfect phrase,” she chuckled, smiling warmly at the Vulcan, then softly added, “I certainly will. Thank you for being such a good friend to him!”

Spock nodded curtly, then stepped aside to let an excited Chekov take his place.

“Jenny!” Pavel gushed, eagerly waving a record tape in her face. “Someone just gave me this! Genuine Rock’n’Roll from the 1950’s! Please say we can start practicing tomorrow!”

“Easy, Pavel,” Jenny laughed, realising how much she’d missed all of this, Chekov’s enthusiasm, Spock’s subtle humour, Uhura’s well-intentioned meddling. “I haven’t even unpacked yet. But, don’t worry, I can’t wait to start dancing with you again. Everybody on the _Lexington_ seemed to have two left feet.”

That put a big smile on Chekov’s face, but before he could respond, the doors opened again, and Scotty breezed in. Breathless and frantically busy as always, but wanting to say hello, nevertheless. Jenny couldn’t help laughing out loud. It was as if she’d never been away. She’d truly come home.

“Lassie, you’re back! And looking mighty fine, too!”

Scotty’s booming voice filled her quarters, as he wrapped her in a bear hug.

“Sorry, lass, I need to get back to engineering right away. Six months on, and my poor babies still haven’t recovered from their ‘improvements’,” he scoffed, using his fingers to draw quotation marks in the air at the last word. “Wait until I show you! You really have to see it to believe it!”

“I can’t wait, Scotty,” Jenny smiled, putting a placating hand on his arm and guiding him back towards the door. “Get back to your babies already, and thanks for popping by!”

Scotty hurried out the door again, nearly colliding with the captain, who raised a surprised eyebrow.

“Is there an emergency I’m not aware of?” he asked no one in particular on entering, then turned towards Jenny, holding out his hand.

“Welcome aboard, Lt. Hope!” he smiled, emphasising her new rank and shaking her hand vigorously before pulling her into a quick but heartfelt hug. “Congratulations! I hear you did great things to get promoted so quickly. I’m awfully proud of you.”

“Thank you, Sir,” Jenny smiled, lowering her eyes bashfully. “And for getting me back on the _Enterprise_ , too!”

“The _Enterprise_ is where you belong, Lieutenant,” Kirk smiled kindly. “I have great plans for you.”

Then he winked at her and, leaning closer, murmured conspiratorially, “And it’s certainly good to see one happy doctor standing there.” 

* * *

After talking to Hope, Kirk went over to join McCoy where he was propped against the bulkhead with a relaxed smile on his face.

“Happy, Bones?” he asked with a friendly smirk.

The doctor’s answer was a big grin that spread from ear to ear.

“Oh my, you really fell hard, old boy, didn’t you?” Kirk slapped a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “It’s good to see you so happy again. I genuinely hope it’ll work out for the two of you. She’s a real gem, Bones. Exactly what you deserve.”

“Thank you, Jim,” McCoy smiled, touched, “but we still have a long way to go. She’s so young, and I wouldn’t dream of standing in the way of her career. We’ll just have to see what’s in store for us.”

“Hope is one lucky girl to have you, Bones. And I have a feeling she knows. Anyway, I’d say although she’s young, she’s definitely old enough to know her own heart and to have realistic expectations for her future. If she wants to be with you, don’t question it too much. I’ve seen you together before, remember? And I just know that you are perfect for each other.”

McCoy nodded, appreciating his friend’s encouraging words, then remembered what Jim had said to Hope after congratulating her.

“What was that about doing great things to get promoted so quickly?” he asked, frowning a little as he realised that Hope hadn’t mentioned any details surrounding her promotion in her last message from the _Lexington_.

“I’m sure, she’ll be happy to tell you herself, Bones,” Kirk smiled, and McCoy found his cryptic answer slightly unsettling.

“Why do I get the impression that I’m missing something here?” he drawled, throwing the captain a quizzical glance.

“Stop worrying, Bones,” Kirk grinned. “She’s here now. And she’s well. That’s all that really counts, isn’t it?”

Bones still felt doubtful, but let it slide. He’d known Jim long enough to have learned that the captain couldn’t be pressured into spilling the beans, once he’d made up his mind not to. He’d find out soon enough, anyway, he thought, planning to question Hope about this at the first opportunity.

* * *

The ‘party’ seemed to go on forever, and while she thoroughly enjoyed being surrounded by all her friends and being made to feel so welcome and loved, she also longed for everybody to leave, so that she could finally be alone with McCoy. She was desperate to know where they stood.

By the time everybody had filtered out, she was almost afraid the doctor might already have left, too. But there he was, casually leaning against the bulkhead, arms crossed in front of his chest, head tilted to one side and gazing lovingly at her with a big smile on his face that just melted her heart.

“Well, you’re certainly a very popular lady,” he drawled, the tenderness he felt for her plain in his voice and eyes. “I thought they’d never leave.”

“So did I, Leonard!” she giggled, suddenly feeling a little nervous to be alone with him. “They’re all really lovely, though. All the fuss they made over me!”

 _Stop babbling, Jenny_ _,_ she admonished herself, _this is the moment you’ve been dreaming of for months!_

“Get over here already, my girl,” McCoy said affectionately, taking a step towards her and opening his arms wide.

Hope didn’t need any more prompting. With a beaming smile on her face, she ran over and practically threw herself into his arms, nearly knocking him off balance.

“Whoa!” the doctor laughed, steadying himself against the bulkhead, both amused and thrilled at her eagerness. “Easy there!”

She really was the sweetest thing, and he thought his heart would burst with love and happiness at finally being allowed to hold her.

“Oh, Leonard, I’ve wanted to do this ever since I first entered my quarters tonight,” she cried and boisterously threw her arms around his neck, adding in a muffled voice as she buried her face in his chest, “You have no idea how much self-restraint it took to keep away from you and focus on all the others instead.”

“Actually, I think I do,” he chuckled, inhaling the still familiar scent of her hair and squeezing her tightly. “Or do you think it was any easier for me?”

They held each other tightly for the longest time, neither of them wanting, or even able to let go. No kissing, no talking, just holding. Each of them overjoyed by their reunion, but at the same time a little afraid of overwhelming the other with the depth of their feelings. They had both yearned to be so close to each other again for the past six months. Yet, they were also a little scared of finding their own feelings and expectations not reciprocated, or at least not with the same certainty and intensity. They both only wanted what was best for each other, but neither of them was quite sure what that was exactly.

Finally, Jenny broke away, wanting to look at the dearly beloved face she’d seen in her dreams every night on the _Lexington_ , only to lose herself in McCoy’s deep blue, tender eyes. Oh, how she’d longed to be with this man again, how she’d hoped and prayed for his love to last through the long period of separation. 

Gazing at her lovely face, flushed with joy, her cheeks wet from happy tears she hadn’t been able to hold back, McCoy felt his heart overflow with love and tenderness. He still found it hard to believe that he should make someone this happy, and his own eyes grew moist with relief and humble gratitude. Looking at her now, there was no doubt in his mind that she felt for him as deeply as he felt for her.

“Oh my God,” Hope sighed, smiling up at him fondly, “it’s so good to feel your arms around me again. I never knew it was possible to miss someone this badly.”

“I know,” he drawled. “I missed you, too, love. So much, I could hardly bear it. Letting you go that evening was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

And smiling at her through his own unshed tears, he gently pulled her back into his arms and tenderly kissed the top of her head.

His heart ached, feeling her whole body starting to tremble as she snuggled ever closer against him, seeking the comfort of his embrace, after having missed the feeling of security it gave her for so long.

“It’s gonna be fine, love,” he softly assured her, gently nuzzling her hair, “you’re back with me now. And I don’t think I can ever let you go again.”

“Is that a promise, Leonard?” she asked in a low voice.

“No, my love,” he replied quietly, “it’s a fact.”

Jenny’s heart leapt at his words, and a tiny sob escaped her, to which she felt McCoy immediately respond with a comforting squeeze of his gentle hands. So very typical of him. How could she ever have doubted the depth of his love for her?

She let him hold her a little longer, relishing the feeling of safety and being cared for she could only ever find with him. When she felt calmer again, she gently disengaged from his embrace, took his hand in hers, and without another word led him over to her bed.

They sat down quietly, and he searched her face for clues as to what she expected him to do next. Ever the gentleman, he let her take the lead, and only when she tilted her face up, bringing her lips close to his, did she find herself immersed in a kiss that took her breath away.

She felt her knees go weak, her brain turn to mush, her whole being on fire with the need to be closer to him than anyone had ever been. A desire burning inside her, she’d had no idea she was capable of. And when she looked up at him and saw the same desire burning in his eyes, she was totally lost. 


	4. Chapter 4

McCoy was on the brink of losing control. Six months of unfulfilled dreams had taken their toll. And when he felt Hope’s hot, willing body pressing against him with such urgent need, he could hardly contain himself anymore. It was almost more than he could take, and yet he loved and respected her enough to restrain himself a little longer.

Summoning up all his willpower, he straightened up and, lightly gripping her arms, gazed at her intently.

“Are you sure you want this, Jenny?” he asked huskily.

“I couldn’t be surer, Leonard,” she smiled, holding his gaze with wide eyes, her pupils dilated with desire. “I’ve dreamed about this every single night for the past six months.”

Her words went straight to McCoy’s groin.

“But what about you?” she asked, suddenly insecure. “Are _you_ sure this is what you want? Or are you having second thoughts?”

“Believe me, there’s nothing I want more, my love,” he was quick to assure her, his eyes soft with longing. And gently taking her face between his hands, he emphatically added, “You’re all I’ll ever want.”

That’s when the floodgates opened. Hope started to giggle, almost hysterically, then her eyes filled with tears, and suddenly her laugh turned into sobs, as she wiped a helpless hand across her eyes. She turned away abruptly and clapped her hands over her face, caught in a crying fit she was powerless to stop.

“Oh, love, what’s wrong?” McCoy asked, completely taken aback by her display of emotional overload.

The doctor put his arms around her, holding her tight as her body shook uncontrollably, racking with sobs. She was trying to say something, but unable to talk through her tears and helpless to stop them from flowing, just shaking her head repeatedly as she clung to him.

He wanted to comfort her, but all he could do was gently rock her, stroke her hair, and rub her back, while trying to figure out what had just happened. One minute they were on the verge of making love, and the next she was a sobbing mess in his arms, desperately fighting to regain control.

Had he said or done anything to upset her? No. He dismissed the thought again. It was more likely just emotional release, as the relief of being back ‘home’ after the long time away caught up with her. McCoy was reminded of the time he’d held her like that on the observation deck, the evening she’d confided in him about her past, and hoped to God that Starfleet hadn’t foisted another secret upon her.

After a while, she pulled back and looked up at him, smiling through her tears which he tenderly brushed away with his thumbs while searching her face intently. Having been taken away from him, just when she could have found some stability in her time-warped life, had obviously left her more emotionally raw than she’d let on in her messages. Despite her brave face and sunny disposition, she had a very tender soul that was easily affected by an emotional rollercoaster like the one Starfleet had put her on, and needed to be gently taken care of.

He felt the familiar anger at the Starfleet officials who’d put her through this rise up inside him. Along with the even more familiar guilt at not being there for her, when she’d so obviously needed him. The feeling of having failed her, when he’d let her go that evening, six months ago, reasserted itself with full force and nearly broke his heart.

Seeing the worried frown on the doctor’s face, Jenny took a few deep breaths and shakily said, “I’m sorry, Leonard, please don’t worry! There’s nothing wrong. Quite the contrary! I’m just so relieved. And so happy. It only just hit me that this is for real. That I’m really back in your arms. And that you still… I didn’t know if you’d still...”

She broke off again.

“If I still loved you?” he asked softly, a few emotional tears running down his cheeks now, too. “How could you ever doubt that?”

“Oh Leonard, I don’t know,” she tried to find the right words to explain what was going on inside her. “It’s been so long, and it was only one night after all. And when you weren’t in the transporter room when I beamed up, I thought that maybe I had just imagined… I mean you’re a very attractive man, surrounded by so many brilliant and beautiful women who are so very much more … experienced than I am…”

The words were pouring out of her, and McCoy’s chest tightened in sympathy. Where the hell had all that come from? It wasn’t like her to be so unsure of herself at all. Granted, she’d been a little shy and self-conscious that first night, which he’d found adorable. But as the night went on, he’d been pretty sure that that ‘problem’ had taken care of itself.

But then again, he had to admit that he’d felt more than a little insecure himself, waiting for her in her quarters earlier that evening. A lot could happen in six months, after all.

“Jenny, my love,” he sighed, shaking his head indulgently as he tenderly cupped her face in his hands and lovingly gazed into her big dark eyes, “where do I even start? Yes, we only had one night of intimacy. The most wonderful night of my life, I might say. I’ve never experienced anything close to it. It was incredible! Don’t you remember? I mean, you were there, too!”

Jenny had to laugh despite herself. The doctor was unspeakably sweet, forever finding the right words to reassure her and make her feel good about herself.

“Oh, yes, it was an amazing night,” she agreed, “and I’ve dreamed about it ever since. But I guess, sometimes, I still feel a little inadequate. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought this up. That was just silly me being insecure.”

“Don’t be,” he said quietly. “You have no reason to be insecure or to feel inadequate. You are perfect in every way.”

Hope cast him a glance that clearly meant she thought he was exaggerating. But McCoy went on undeterred.

“I mean it, Jenny. Besides, we had far more than just one night, and you know it. That night was just the cherry on the cake. Fact of the matter is that we had a whole, wonderful year. Can we agree on that?”

Hope nodded silently, her eyes showing how moved she was by his words.

“A year during which I fell a little more in love with you every day,” he continued. “The best year of my life, really. I don’t know what you take me for, and yes, I might have had a woman here and there across the galaxy over the years, I’m only a man after all. But _this_ is special, _you_ are special. And I haven’t been with another woman ever since I first met you. I simply couldn’t. Because you hold my heart. You’re everything I could wish for, and more. Don’t you ever forget that!”

He fell silent, having surprised himself once again by how eloquently he could express his deepest feelings to Hope. He, who could certainly talk passionately and wordily about a lot of things, but who’d always had a problem voicing his more tender feelings, like love and affection, usually ending up hiding those behind sarcastic remarks.

“Wow,” Jenny breathed at last, deeply touched by his declaration of love and faithfulness, and grateful for him to have volunteered it. “Men have certainly changed over the centuries. But then again, it might just be you. Probably _is_ just you.”

“Well, that’s only for you to know, love,” he smiled, raising an amused eyebrow. “I couldn’t. I’ve only ever known this century.”

“Neither could I,” she replied softly, taking his hand and raising it to her lips, tracing the hollow of his palm with tiny kisses that rendered him weak with desire. “You’re my only reference this century, Leonard. And I’d certainly like it to stay that way.”

Now it was McCoy’s turn to breathe a grateful sigh of relief. Hope was incredibly sweet. In one casual sentence she’d told him everything he needed to know but would never have dared to ask, making him unbelievably happy. But knowing her as he did, it probably hadn’t been that casual at all, but said very deliberately, yet tactfully, to assure him of her faithfulness.

Not able to hold back any longer, McCoy pulled her into his arms again. He started to kiss her with a passion that demanded release. And finding her lips and tongue responding with an urgency that matched his desire, his hands hurriedly started to undress her.

 _At least I know how to take off a Starfleet uniform_ , he thought, grinning to himself, as he fondly remembered not being able to figure out how to unzip her antiquated sundress that night on shore leave.

Jenny tensed a little, when she felt him starting to undress her. Not that she didn’t want him to, of course. She was more than ready to feel his magic hands on her skin again, the touch of his fingers and lips all over her body, doing those incredible things to her. But she also knew that it wouldn’t be long now until he discovered the scar on her lower back. And knowing him, this would instantly kill his desire and replace it with shock. And worry. And the need to know every little detail about how it got there without further delay.

Instead of finally succumbing to the out-of-this-world sensations of his ministrations, which she’d fantasised about for months, she’d have to tell him the whole story, and face his wrath at not having been told right away to boot. And sure enough, before he’d even slipped off her uniform dress, let alone given her the chance to rid him of any of his clothes, his caressing hand found its way to the small of her back, and she felt his whole body stiffen instantaneously.

“What the…” he gasped in surprise, as he swiftly turned her around to have a look at her back.

Jenny sighed, as her foreboding was confirmed, and she knew that more than just the moment had passed.

“My God!” he exclaimed as she felt his fingers gently probing the scar. “What is this? Who did this to you? And why hasn’t it been fixed? Don’t they have doctors on the _Lexington_? This should have been treated within the first twelve hours! I always thought Victoria was a decent physician! Surely, she could have done better than this?”

Jenny waited for his rant to end, so that she could finally get a word in, feeling bad at hearing him attack the _Lexington’s_ CMO, who’d become a really good friend, like that.

“She couldn’t, because she was wounded, too. Far more severely than I was,” Jenny explained, turning around again. Then, confronted with McCoy’s hard, questioning gaze, clearly expecting her to elaborate, she went on, heaving a sigh, “It’s a long story, Leonard. And I’m going to tell you everything. But can we please get a little more comfortable first?”

The doctor’s face softened, and he pulled her close again.

“Of course, love, I’m sorry,” he relented. “Are you in any pain now? Let me just get my tricorder.”

He started to get up, but Jenny held him back, resting her hand on his thigh.

“Leonard! I’m all right. And I’m not in pain,” she said soothingly. “It just turns out that my skin, like my bones, takes a little longer to heal. The doctors on the _Lexington_ have done everything they could. But there wasn’t enough time, because I really wanted to get back to the _Enterprise_.”

She smiled at him lovingly. There was no way he could disagree with that.

“All right,” he grumbled, carefully pulling down and straightening out her uniform dress again. “Let’s get comfortable. Because I sure as hell want to know the whole damn story. Now.”

Belying his gruff words, he tenderly kissed her forehead, before pulling her to her feet and guiding her over to the couch. Jenny followed him silently, the mixture of love, hurt, and worry, he radiated, almost tangible as he sat down and pulled her into his arms, cradling her head against his chest. Their position of choice, whenever they had serious matters to discuss, and the safest place Jenny had ever known. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another emotional chapter, sorry @finnegancat! Je suis désolée!


	5. Chapter 5

Jenny settled back in the doctor’s arms and took a moment to relish the feeling. This feeling of being wrapped in love, that she’d missed for so long, but which was still so familiar. How many times had they sat like this before? On a couch, just like now, or some bench, or even the cold, hard ground somewhere on a mission. Long before they’d become lovers, the feeling had always been there.

She blinked her eyes, drawing her mind back to the present. McCoy was holding her tight, tenderly running his hand up and down her arm, and she felt the gentle breeze of his breath in her hair and his heart beating fast against her cheek, as he waited for her to collect her thoughts and start talking. Desperate to find out what had happened to her, she knew how hard it was for him to keep patient. And she loved him the more for it.

The hand that caressed her arm, repeatedly slid down to the small of her back, gently resting on her scar, his touch delicate and warm through the fabric of her uniform, as if he wanted to heal her with nothing but tender love and sheer force of will.

* * *

Despite loving to hold her like this, to feel her body snuggle closer in search of comfort and protection she wasn’t even aware she was looking for, McCoy was growing restless and tense with frustration. Mostly with Hope for not having told him sooner, but also with himself for not having been there to keep her from harm. Irrational, he knew. And, also, way too late. It was over, whatever _it_ was. She was here now. She was fine. Safe in his arms.

_Wait! Weren’t those Jim’s exact words? ‘Don’t worry, Bones, she’s here now, she’s well?’ The bastard! He’d known all about it!_

The doctor was roused from his angry thoughts, when Hope started to speak.

“We were on this mission to rescue the political leader of _Darvos II_ , who’d fallen into the hands of authoritarian extremists, along with his family and a group of Federation diplomats, who’d been there to help end the terrible war between the two major political groups that had been decimating the planet’s population through endless massacres and terrorist attacks over decades. Our orders were to take them aboard the _Lexington_ and have them negotiate there with the leader of the opposition, away from all the terror on _Darvos II_.”

McCoy was listening attentively, if impatiently, silently urging her to get to the point. Terrible as all of this certainly was, right now he was more interested in what had happened to Hope than the political circumstances of this planet. Thankfully, she must have sensed his restlessness.

“Let’s just say it was all worth it in the end, because we were successful,” she raised her head a little to beam at him, and he felt his heart swell with love at the joy and pride on her face. “They ended that atrocious war, the terrorists on both sides were, and still are, being hunted down and punished, and,” she continued, her smile widening even more, “I got promoted and transferred back to the _Enterprise_.”

At that, she wound her arm around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. McCoy was sorely tempted to just give in to those soft, inviting lips, which was obviously exactly what she’d intended, but his need to know everything about that scar was still too strong. So he gently pulled back, placed one hand protectively on the small of her back, and fixed her with a meaningful gaze.

“Don’t try to distract me, love!” he smiled, not quite managing to sound stern, looking in those soft, brown eyes. “Just tell me what happened. I really need to know.”

With a small sigh and an indulgent nod, she put her head back on his chest and carried on with her story.

“It was a secret mission, everything had to be very hush-hush, so Victoria and I beamed down alone.”

“Wait a minute!” McCoy sat bolt upright, hardly believing what he’d just heard.

Holding her at arm’s length and staring at her, aghast, he needed clarification.

“Are you saying they let two women beam down alone to save a whole party of people from who knew how many terrorists all by themselves?”

“Uh, yes,” Hope stammered, a little taken aback by the doctor’s outburst, even though she should have known better. “But we knew exactly how many terrorists, and we went prepared, phasers in hand and set on heavy stun.”

“Why you?” McCoy asked, still livid at the idea of her deliberately being exposed to such danger.

“Because there were several casualties among the party we were supposed to rescue, and with my training in both communications and medical assistance, I was the perfect choice to accompany the doctor.”

Hope paused again, probably hoping for him to calm down and see the reasoning behind this. But all he could see were images of her, alone and unprotected, facing a horde of villains all by herself.

“At first, everything went according to plan,” Hope went on, putting a soothing hand on his and calling his attention to his grip on her arm, that had tightened considerably since she’d started talking. “We could take down the terrorists as intended, and quickly had the diplomats and the leader’s family beamed up, since none of them were seriously injured.”

“What then?” McCoy was getting really impatient now, drumming his fingers against her hip and urging her on with his eyes.

“Unfortunately, we had found a lot more people than just the leader’s party being held by the terrorists,” Hope sighed. “Many of them badly injured. So Victoria and I had to stay behind and treat them. That’s when several more terrorists appeared out of nowhere, wielding these kind of daggers and moving incredibly fast. I got stabbed and knocked out with a blow to the head before I could even let go of my patient and get my hand on my phaser.”

“They stabbed you while you were tending to the injured?” McCoy whispered, shaking his head in disbelief and pulling her back into his arms, desperate to feel her warm body against him, breathing and alive. “Have they got no integrity at all?”

“It seems not,” she chuckled mirthlessly, her voice muffled by his shirt, and the doctor loosened his tight embrace a little so she could keep on talking. “I can’t have been unconscious for long, but when I came to again, everything was quiet. They were gone, and so were my phaser and communicator.”

Hope raised her face to his and pressed a quick kiss on his lips, giving him the most affectionate smile, while he wondered what was coming next.

“Thankfully, you taught me well, Leonard,” she said softly, her eyes shining with love and gratitude. “I checked myself for injuries first, but when I saw the pool of blood where Victoria was lying not far from me, I knew I had to act quickly. Luckily, they hadn’t taken my medikit, so I was able to apply pressure bandages, first to myself, then to her, and check our readings. Victoria was in a bad way, and I didn’t really want to take my hands off her bandage, feeling the compression wasn’t strong enough to stop the bleeding. But there were so many Darvosians lying around, who I had to go check on, too.”

McCoy held his breath and felt the blood drain from his face, visualising everything clearly as she spoke. Victoria was an experienced doctor, but with her down, Hope had been on her own.

“I quickly went from one to the other, finding all but three of them dead already.”

Her voice trailed away and she swallowed hard, the memory understandably getting to her, and McCoy gently squeezed her arm and brushed a tender kiss on her forehead.

“Victoria and I were lucky, because the terrorists obviously didn’t know that humans have their organs arranged differently, and just left us for dead with the others, thinking they’d stabbed us right in the heart.”

McCoy winced, trying to keep his mind from conjuring up all the different scenarios that wouldn’t have led to Hope sitting here with him now.

“I’m so sorry, love, you had to go through all of this,” he murmured, cupping her face in his hand and smiling when he felt her lean into his touch as he’d known she would. “What did you do? Did you get the _Lexington_ to beam you up quickly?”

“With the communicators gone, I couldn’t,” she shook her head, then looked deeply into his eyes and softly said, “So I tried to think of what you would do, if you were here. And in a way you were. You’re always with me. Maybe it was because of the blood loss, but I could practically hear your soothing voice and see you calmly going about your business, as you always do in emergencies.”

McCoy was deeply touched and had to wipe his eyes with the back of his hand.

“I kept running back and forth between Victoria, to check on her bandage, and the three Darvosians, whom I treated as well as I could, being only vaguely familiar with their physiology, while looking for our communicators at the same time. I was lucky. I found them, smashed and trampled, close by, and, fortunately, was able to fix one of them enough to send out the emergency signal. And that was that. The whole story, Leonard,” she finished with a deep sigh, looking at him expectantly.

“You’re an amazing woman, Jennifer Hope,” McCoy smiled, hugging her to him and nuzzling her hair, wishing he could keep her safe in his arms forever, yet feeling the greatest admiration for her. “And I’m incredibly proud of you.”

She pulled out of his embrace to look at him, and he was immediately drowning in her beautiful eyes, beaming at him with undisguised love. And pride. And joy. And longing. And a million other emotions that made his heart leap like only Hope could.

“You know, Leonard,” she said quietly, her eyes holding his gaze, “volunteering to work in sickbay that evening, when I first came aboard the _Enterprise_ , has been the best decision of my life.”

“Is that so?” McCoy raised an amused eyebrow, casting his mind back to the evening he’d first met her.

“It is,” she replied affectionately. “In every respect. It’s helped my career, broadening my range of assignment and making me an asset for Starfleet, it’s saved my life and that of others, and, most importantly, I got to know you that way!”

“Oh, yes, grouchy, worried old me,” the doctor chuckled, his eyes radiating all the warmth and tenderness he felt for her.

Hope leaned over, tenderly brushing her lips to his, and chuckling, “If you hadn’t groused so loudly about Starfleet that day, I’d never even have thought about working in sickbay. Therefore, I’m eternally grateful to you for being the loveliest grouch in the universe. And a wonderful teacher, too. If it weren’t for all the things you taught me, I might not have survived the past six months. So, thank you for saving my life, Leonard. Many times over.”

McCoy had to choke back the tears. How did she always do that? He was grumpy, he was irascible, he was sarcastic, and yet, with only a few words, Hope could touch him so deeply, she could render him all soft and mellow within the blink of an eye.

Trying to hide his emotion, he buried his face in her hair and started to trail little kisses down her face, his hand unintentionally gliding down to the scar on her back again, and he suddenly felt the hurt of not having known about any of her plight resurfacing. How could she have left him happily going about his business, while she was dealing with the physical and emotional aftermath of such peril? She could have died there and then, and he wouldn’t even have known.

* * *

Jenny clearly felt the doctor’s abrupt change of mood, as his hand moved back to her scar, and sighed. But, of course, she’d known that his ever-worrying mind wouldn’t let go of the fact that she’d been in mortal danger without him knowing about it, lightly.

“Does the scar bother you, Leonard?” she asked softly, regretting her choice of words the moment they were out of her mouth.

“Does the _scar_ bother me?” he repeated incredulously, glaring at her from eyes of blue steel.

Jenny had a hard time holding his gaze.

“It’s not the scar that bothers me, dammit! It’s the fact that you got stabbed in the back and didn’t even think to mention it to me!” he blustered, his face dark and anguished. “I thought we were close, always there for each other.”

“But we are! Don’t you see? That’s exactly the reason why I couldn’t tell you. Not until I was back in your arms and you could see me well and happy again, anyway. I knew you’d react like this. I knew you’d tear your hair out over not being able to be there for me, treat me, fuss over me. That you wouldn’t be able to get a wink of sleep until you could hold me, feel me, alive, in your arms again.”

“Is that what I do? Make a fuss over you? Am I that much of a nuisance?” was his sullen reply, and Hope couldn’t help heaving a sigh.

“Of course, you’re not a nuisance, Leonard! Please don’t put words in my mouth! I love the way you care. About me, about most everything. I love feeling safe and cared for with you. It’s the reason I couldn’t wait to get back to the _Enterprise_ after the incident. But I didn’t want to worry you. Don’t you understand? That’s the only reason why I wanted to wait until now.”

McCoy opened his mouth to say something, but Jenny, guessing his next question correctly from the look in his eyes, quickly went on, “And I explicitly asked the captain not to tell you either. What would have been the point? Other than worrying you senseless over nothing.”

“Over _nothing_?” the doctor hissed.

“Well, nothing that you could have done anything about, anyway,” she mumbled feebly.

McCoy looked at her long and hard, and she could see that he was torn between rage and understanding.

“I love you, Jenny,” he said eventually, and then quietly asked, “Don’t I have a right to worry about you?”

All the fight had gone out of him, and Jenny felt her heart breaking at the despondent look on his face.

“Of course, you have,” she replied ruefully, raising her hand to caress his face. “I love you, too! More than words can say.”

Had she been wrong to keep this from him? She’d only wanted to protect him, knowing that he’d be eaten up by worry, even if he knew her to be all right again. But considering his history of relationships, how they’d left him feeling unfit for commitment, and how desperately he wanted to get it right this time, with her, maybe honesty and trust would have been more important than protecting him from his fears.

“I’m sorry, Leonard,” she finally said, her tender gaze never leaving his eyes, still boring into hers. “I just wanted to protect you, but I can see now that I was wrong. You’re right. You deserve to know everything that concerns me. Even if it’s hurtful or causing you sleepless nights. I promise not to keep anything from you ever again.”

His eyes softened, as he leaned towards her and started to kiss her fervently.

Coming up for air, she stood up from the couch, trying to loosen the tight muscles in her back around the scar, and looked deeply into his eyes.

“Just know that I’m okay now, Leonard.”

“But are you?” he asked softly, coming to stand behind her, gently putting his arms around her waist and pulling her tightly against his chest.

Of course, he hadn’t missed her stretching her back to ease the pain.

“Just a slight twinge now and then,” she smiled leaning into him with a soft sigh. “You can check it out to your heart’s content tomorrow in sickbay. But for now, please, let’s just enjoy being together again.”


	6. Chapter 6

Jenny gave a little yelp, when McCoy impulsively lifted her off the floor and swept her into his arms to carry her, bridal style, over to the bed in a few, swift steps. Holding on to his neck and looking at his kind, handsome face, for once not creased in a worried frown, as he carefully eased her down on the bedspread, her heart soared at the love and unbridled happiness in his eyes. 

And when she watched him lovingly pull off her boots before kicking off his own, she found that she was almost grateful for their little argument, if it could even be called that. Because despite the frequent messages they’d exchanged, six months had been a long time apart, and she’d felt a little awkward around him at first. Almost shy. So had he, she thought fondly, judging from his hesitation to kiss her when they’d sat on her bed earlier. But arguing had brought back their familiarity, the easy connection they’d had before her transfer to the _Lexington_.

There was no question about them being ready for intimacy anymore, either, she thought amusedly, when she felt the doctor’s magic hands on her skin, gently peeling off her dress. And, quickly following suit, she let her own hands glide under his medic tunic and pulled at his black T-shirt until it came untucked. She loved how considerate McCoy always was, adored and relied on the gentleman in him, but now was not the time to be coy. Even the southern gentleman knew that they were well past the point of politely asking.

Her whole body tingled in anticipation of what was to come, the memory of their first night together still vivid in her mind. And when it suddenly hit her that she could have this every night from now on, she gasped out loud, eliciting a wicked grin from the doctor, who clearly enjoyed her eager reaction to the touch of his hands.

* * *

McCoy was feeling incredibly light-hearted. They’d just had an argument, and still managed to stay loving and respectful. He’d been angry, loud even, not holding back in his anguish, and Hope hadn’t been fazed at all. Was this what love was supposed to be? What being in a relationship could be like? Being allowed to disagree and say so, to let one’s hurt and frustration show, to not be in perfect harmony all the time, and still be sure of each other’s love?

Jocelyn had wanted the perfect husband and had been quick with threats to leave him, whenever he hadn’t met her high, and very one-sided standards, while never even considering what _he_ might expect from a wife. And while he couldn’t think of anything Hope could do to make him stop loving her, it certainly felt good to know that, with her, love wasn’t a one-way street.

As he gently stripped her of her clothes, careful of her still tender back, savouring every little quiver and sigh she gave in response to his touch, he suddenly had to smile, as he remembered her referring to ‘makeup sex’ that time on shore leave. ‘It’s said to be the best,” she’d told him innocently over the rim of her mug, nearly making him spill his coffee.

“What are you smiling about, Leonard?” she murmured softly, her eyes half closed with pleasure, as her hands were making their way to his skin through the layers of his shirts.

“Something you said over coffee after our night on shore leave,” he replied mysteriously, trailing little kisses down her neck. And when she raised a quizzical eyebrow at him, he couldn’t resist asking, “Do you think what we’re about to do might count as makeup sex?”

“Show me, and I’ll tell you,” she giggled, having cottoned on to the allusion immediately, a naughty glint in her eyes, and he thought he’d never been more turned on in his life.

* * *

_It’s nothing like the first time_ , Jenny thought.

And it wasn’t. It was so much more. More of everything. More in every way. Maybe her memory had paled over time, or maybe having known what it was like to be with him, and then only been able to fantasise about it for half a year, had heightened her senses. But feeling him so close now, she thought she might die from need and desire. Every word, every kiss, every little touch was killing her, and he knew it, if the telltale gleam in his eyes was anything to go by.

The fact that he seemed less afraid of hurting or upsetting her, might have something to do with it. Or perhaps, after having heard quite a few impressive stories about him and the _Enterprise_ on the _Lexington_ , it was the awareness that those incredibly nimble fingers didn’t simply belong to Leonard, her dear, beloved, wonderful Leonard, but to Dr. Leonard McCoy, famous and renowned Starfleet surgeon. And that the hands, tenderly doing all those incredible things to her, were the very hands that had already saved countless lives, healed and comforted endless numbers of patients, and worked a zillion miracles.

Whatever it was, however he did it, she’d never felt greater pleasure in her life. He had her completely at his mercy, and she loved it.

* * *

_It’s just like the first time_ , McCoy thought.

And it was. Only so much better. Making love to her had been nothing short of spectacular the first time already. But this time, he was able to enjoy it even more. To delight in every moment of pleasure without being afraid to cross a line, to hurt her or do anything she didn’t want him to. The last time, despite her mature personality, she’d still been a girl, no matter how much she’d tried to convince him otherwise. But she was a woman now, no question about it. The weight and responsibility of her job on the _Lexington_ had seen to that.

And even though a tiny part of her, this bubbly, sweet and innocent part of her, that he found so adorable and hoped she’d never lose, would always remain this girl, he could now be with her and not feel like taking advantage of her. Sure, she was still a little shy about letting go, but the way she was writhing and moaning, kissing and clinging on to him, her eyes begging for more, there was no doubt that she was enjoying herself immensely.

And when her tender hands and lips started to reciprocate, he found that he was losing all power of coherent thought, and just gave himself over to divine pleasure.

* * *

Jenny had found paradise again. Leonard. All the heavenly things he did to her. But although he was certainly a skilled and experienced lover, she felt it was this overwhelming love for her, evident in every kiss, every caress, that really put the magic in his touch. Everything he did, he did just for her. The reverence with which he touched and looked at her, had an almost spiritual quality to it, and through all his passion and heat, she could still feel a gentleness that made her feel endlessly safe and special.

Knowing he’d never hurt her, she could be sure that whatever he did or asked her to do, would only increase her pleasure. There were no boundaries to the tenderness he showed her, and she finally lost all her shyness and gave herself to him completely. No matter how much he enjoyed their interactions, too, she knew he’d always put her pleasure first.

* * *

Being footloose and fancy-free, McCoy had certainly not been averse to indulging in a few of the sensual pleasures the universe had to offer. He’d been intimate with some of the galaxy’s most beautiful and exciting women, and been introduced to a variety of thrilling ‘techniques’ from slightly kinky to plainly weird alien. Some of them highly stimulating and satisfying, well worth mentioning to Jim or Scotty on drunken nights out.

But none of these encounters had ever been anything close to what Hope was doing to him. This level of intense satisfaction, that went beyond the physical. Gratifying a need so deep, he hadn’t even known was there. The most skilful and experienced sexual partner could never give what Hope’s pure, trusting and devoted love did so effortlessly.

Just watching her go wild under his ministrations, seeing how unreservedly she enjoyed every single touch, was more arousing than anything else he could think of. True, she was still bashful and far from feeling comfortable with putting her pleasure into words. And maybe she never would. But that was okay. He couldn’t imagine her ever not being enough, wanting or needing anything she couldn’t or wouldn’t give. When he’d told her that she was all he’d ever want, he’d meant it.

* * *

They didn’t get much sleep that night. Even when they were completely exhausted and happy to just lie in each other’s arms, enjoying the afterglow of their exquisite lovemaking, there was still so much to talk about. Mostly McCoy wanting to know all the details about her time away, and Hope happy to tell him all the nicer, less scary stories about her assignments and life on the _Lexington_ in general.

And after all their passionate lovemaking, McCoy didn’t need a tricorder to reassure him that the twinges in her back were, in fact, just a normal sign of skin healing, and nothing more serious.

“You know, in a way, those six months apart weren’t all bad,” Hope mused, propped up on one elbow and looking down at him lovingly, while his fingers drew lazy circles on the soft skin of her back. “At least, we both got something out of it.” 

“Oh?” McCoy asked, not quite convinced, prompting her to elaborate.

“Well, I certainly hope that it helped put all your misgivings about us to rest and convince you that I’m genuinely not interested in other men – my age or not. I’ve had plenty of opportunity. I’ve made new friends. Male friends, too. But I wasn’t romantically drawn to any of them. I’m sorry, Leonard,” she shrugged, smiling at him, “I can’t help it. I just love you. Can you see that? Do you believe me?”

Pressing a gentle kiss on his lips, she looked at him imploringly.

“Yes, I do,” he smiled, his face glowing with love. “And I did even before your little speech now. Because I saw it in your eyes when you first entered this room tonight. The love and sheer joy you radiated the moment you discovered me was palpable. There was not a trace of doubt or apprehension on your face. And I was watching very closely, believe me. I wouldn’t have made love to you, if I hadn’t been sure. And, of course, this lovely ring on your finger was a slight giveaway, too.”

He chuckled softly, gently caressing the fingers of her right hand, and her eyes took on a faraway look, as she closed her fingers around his.

“In all this time, I’ve never taken it off longer than it took me to have a shower,” she whispered, her eyes bright with unshed tears. “It was the one thing that grounded me, when I was in danger of losing my head. That gave me comfort when I was sad or scared. That kept me going when I was weary, and gave me hope when I thought about giving up. It’s the only thing of value I possess.”

His heart went out to her, and he tightened his arm around her waist, pulling her closer, too emotional to speak. 

But Hope, never one to mope about, let a mischievous grin spread across her face, and added with a giggle, “I’ve literally got you wrapped around my finger.”

McCoy had to laugh at that. Although it wasn’t really all that funny. He would have given anything to be there for her in person, and he was deeply touched to think that, even with only his ring to hold on to, she was looking to him for comfort and help. 

Trying to get his emotions back under control and lighten the mood, he changed the subject again.

“By the way,” he asked, and now it was his turn to lie propped up on one elbow, tenderly looking down at her. “What did _you_ get out of those six months apart? Did you have any doubts after all?”

“Oh no,” she smiled up at him affectionately, but he saw that she could hardly keep her eyes open anymore. “At least not the doubts you imply. But after we’d said goodbye that night, and I went on my way without you, I suddenly felt so very alone and unsure of myself. There was this overwhelming fear of not being able to carry on without your advice and guidance. I had become so accustomed to you being around as my mentor, helping me with everything 23rd century that was new to me, relying on your approval for every little decision, I was suddenly afraid I wouldn’t be able to cope on my own anymore. That I had become too dependent on you.”

McCoy’s chest tightened at her words, and he reached out to tenderly run his fingers through her hair and down her cheeks, brushing gentle kisses on her forehead and watching her eyelids droop. She was definitely tired, he thought fondly, or else she’d never have openly admitted to having felt so lost without him. So far, she’d always tried to play down her feelings in order to put his worries to rest.

“Much as I love you,” she continued, the strain of keeping awake and focused clearly audible in her voice, “I’ve always been independent and self-reliant. I’ve always known my own mind and what I wanted. And suddenly, there I was, feeling lost and vulnerable without you having my back.”

Nestling into McCoy’s hand, as he caressed her face, Hope opened her eyes wide one more time to beam at him.

“But then, I managed to survive those six months without you, didn’t I? I want to love you, Leonard, not need you. And it was good to be reminded that I’m not completely helpless without you after all.”

“You’re certainly anything but, my love,” he murmured softly, keeping up his soothing caresses, and feeling his heart burst with love for this exceptional woman, as he watched her slowly doze off to sleep, hopefully filled with dreams of the wonderful evening they’d just spent together. This woman, who didn’t need him, but had chosen to love him nevertheless.

Although she’d said it like it was a good thing, a relief for her to know that she was still independent and could fight her own battles, McCoy’s heart ached at the thought of her having had to start over all by herself again. As if she hadn’t deserved to feel safe and be taken care of for once, after all she’d already been through.

The familiar feeling of having failed her, that had kept him awake at night over the past six months, wondering how she was really doing, watching her messages over and over again, searching for clues of fear or sadness, raised its ugly head again. How often had he prayed for her to have someone there she could confide in, someone who’d take her in his arms when she needed it. Even though that thought had been almost as unbearable as the thought of her having no one.

Trying to rid his mind of all depressing thoughts and replace them with memories of the last few, incredible hours, tiredness finally caught up with him, too. He carefully tucked the blanket around both of them, ordered the lights out, and, for the first time in more than half a year, fell into peaceful, untroubled sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

The next morning, surprisingly energetic after so little sleep, McCoy started his shift with a smile on his face. He could have sworn there was a collective sigh of relief going through sickbay as he walked in, and he felt genuinely sorry that his team had had to put up with his more than usual crabbiness over the past few months. Although they might not know the exact nature of his relationship with Hope, they were certainly aware that the two of them were close, and were now glad to have her back aboard, lifting their grumpy CMO’s spirits.

With a cheerful ‘good morning’, ignoring the curious looks of his staff, he made for his office. But when even Chapel, who’d probably understood best and had stoically endured his moodiness during all this time, gave him a sly grin, he immediately frowned at her. He might be happier than the proverbial Larry today, but he could still easily switch back to grump-mode in the blink of an eye, if he had to. No problem there.

They hadn’t talked about it, but he felt that Hope might not just yet be ready to reveal the full extent of their relationship. Probably wise, too, he thought. She was now the head of a new department with a staff of five, all of them older than her, and needed to be seen as an authority rather than the CMO’s young girlfriend. Not that he really worried about her in that regard. She’d already proven her people skills many times, commanding respect despite, or because of her kind and gentle nature. Just like Jim, her quick mind and empathy made her a natural leader. She’d do just fine. Oh boy, was he ever proud of her!

Sitting down at his desk, he cheerfully started on the reports he’d been putting off for days. Even those seemed exciting today, he’d get the whole lot done in no time. If he could concentrate long enough, that was. Keeping his mind from constantly drifting off to last night was quite a challenge. Somehow, it still didn’t feel real.

There were no words to describe the feeling of waking up next to Hope. To find her there, safe and sound, first thing in the morning and not have to worry about her. To watch her rubbing the sleep from her eyes and trying to tame her tousled hair. To be greeted by that dazzling smile. He wanted to have that every day for the rest of his life, he thought, surprising himself. Obviously, it was too late to seriously contemplate his commitment issues. He was already committed.

His thoughts kept wandering back to the wonderful evening they’d shared. The joy and relief of finally being together again. All the things she’d told him, that had moved him so deeply. Like feeling lost without him, or holding on to his ring for comfort, an image that still made his heart ache.

He stopped short. There was something nagging at the back of his mind. A passing thought when she’d talked about the ring, gone again as quickly as it had come. He racked his brains. What was it she’d said about the ring?

 _The only thing of value I possess_ , it suddenly came back to him.

It had been a sweet declaration of love, but on closer inspection, he could see that it was far more than that. It was the actual truth. With a pang of sympathy, he realised that she truly didn’t have many belongings. A few clothes, a photograph, a soft toy. And whatever Starfleet was keeping from her. For whatever reason. There was that strange story again, and another aspect that just didn’t add up. Would Hope really have embarked on her ‘journey’ without taking anything of value to be able to afford starting a new life? Would her parents have let her? It seemed very unlikely. No one would do that. How fortunate for Starfleet that she couldn’t actually remember a thing.

But first things first. There were more important things now. He’d only just got her back. He’d take this up with Starfleet again some other time.

Thinking about her lack of possessions, it hit him that, unlike him and Joanna, who’d been born into the well-to-do McCoy family, Hope didn’t even have family to fall back on for support. He suddenly remembered how worried she’d been about being able to afford the hotel on shore leave, and his heart broke a little at the memory. Did she even have enough credits? Had Starfleet provided for her in the same way that people actually born in the 23rdcentury were provided for? He’d have to find out. And very subtly, too. He had no intention of embarrassing her, of course, but there was no way he’d let her deal with any financial worries on her own.

McCoy shook his head and sighed. Ever since he’d met her, and especially since he’d learned about her past, he’d felt this overwhelming need to help and protect her wherever he could. To look out for her, no matter what. He’d spent a lot of time researching illnesses and other medical issues of her time, as well as peculiarities of the late 20th century in general, comparing them to the world as he knew it. He tried to be thoughtful and attentive, to anticipate any difficulties she might have, still being unaccustomed to how certain things were done now. But it seemed that every time he thought he had it all covered, something new came up, something that hadn’t even occurred to him yet.

Nevertheless, she’d done well without him during her time away, hadn’t she? Maybe she was right and he _did_ worry too much. But then, who could blame him? His whole life centred around her. And his mouth curved into a big smile, as it hit him once more, just how much he loved her.

* * *

“Glad to see that Jenny put the smile back on your face, Doctor,” Chapel broke into his thoughts as she placed a steaming cup of coffee on his desk.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about, nurse,” he grumbled, but wasn’t able to lose the grin that spread from ear to ear.

“You don’t have to pretend with me, Leonard,” she smiled kindly, plonking herself in the chair opposite him, nursing her own cup of coffee, “I won’t tell a soul.”

And she wouldn’t, he knew that. Christine Chapel was as discreet as they came. But McCoy was still reluctant to confide in her. His head nurse was Hope’s friend more than she was his, so he felt it really wasn’t his place to tell.

“I’m very happy that Jenny’s back, I’ll give you that, Christine,” he said diplomatically. “No more constant worrying about her being all right. I’m sure she’ll be happy to tell you everything herself.”

“I can’t wait to chat to her,” Chapel smiled and got up again, seeing as the doctor wasn’t very forthcoming. “Shame, she won’t be around sickbay as much as she used to, anymore.”

 _She’s right_ , McCoy thought, watching the nurse’s back retreat from his office. The times of having Hope around all day were definitely gone.

Chapel’s last comment put a damper on his happiness, as he realised that in her new capacity as head of the linguistics department, he’d not only see much less of Hope, but she’d also be part of a lot of landing parties. Assisting with establishing first contact was one of her key responsibilities now.

The doctor sighed as he finished the last of the reports. Notwithstanding the fact that she’d spent and survived the past six months without him, watching her leave for assignments without him, now that she was back on the _Enterprise_ , would be his next challenge. So much for ‘no more constant worrying about her’.

Taking a leaf out of Hope’s book, he tried to stick to positive thoughts for now. He knew that she wanted to have a dancing session with Chekov that evening, and was immensely looking forward to watching her gorgeous body moving gracefully across the dancefloor aka gym. Almost as much as he was looking forward to feeling this same gorgeous body, hot and bare, eagerly moving against his afterwards.

 _Easy, boy!_ the doctor gave a low moan and took a sip from the cup Chapel had brought him. _Still a lot of hours to pass until then._

* * *

Jenny was sitting in the empty briefing room, stretching her legs and stifling a yawn. She’d just dismissed her colleagues from their first staff meeting and was rather pleased with herself. On the _Lexington_ , she’d only had a team of two, both of them former colleagues from their year-long project. But her current team, all well-established linguists, consisted of another woman, who she knew in passing from her Academy days, and four men ranging from slightly to considerably older, all of whom she’d seen for the first time today. They’d all come aboard the _Enterprise_ specifically to join her team, and she had been more than a little nervous about her new position.

Making each of them feel important and appreciated, letting them know that their opinion would always be valued and respected, while still being clear about who’s boss, required a lot of tact and intuition. But she thought she’d managed well. They’d all left the briefing room happy with the tasks she’d assigned them, eager to get started. Captain Kirk had been a great example for her regarding leadership, and she was grateful for having had the opportunity to learn from him during her first year aboard the _Enterprise_.

She was also grateful to McCoy, she thought fondly, who’d of course sensed her nervousness this morning, and, immediately getting the picture, had boosted her confidence no end in his typical kind-meets-grumpy way, involving a bear hug, a passionate kiss, and a declaration of absolute faith in her people skills and professional expertise.

Feeling a wave of love and longing wash over her, Jenny thought back to last night. It had been an intense, but incredibly wonderful evening. A relationship with McCoy would always be intense, of course. She had no illusions about that. But so worth it. He was a worrier, always had been, always would be. She’d known that from day one, and, truthfully, it had been part of his attraction. Although he had a great sense of humour and loved to laugh, he took things very seriously. Exactly why she loved him so much. Amongst many other reasons, of course. He’d always take her and their relationship seriously, too, and she’d always be able to rely on him.

Just thinking about the doctor made her heart beat faster. She was still hardly able to believe that this brilliant, kind, and gorgeous man was in love with her. Even wanted to be with her. Waking up right next to him this morning had been like a dream come true. The comforting warmth of his body in her bed, the love and tenderness in his eyes, the ghost of his delicate touch from last night still lingering on her skin, she’d never felt happier in her life. And she wanted nothing more than to make him happy, too.

Unfortunately, however, her new job wouldn’t make that an easy task, as she would have to be in quite a lot of landing parties and could already imagine his worried frown, his tirades and lectures, every time he’d have to let her go. She understood his concerns, of course. She worried about him, too, when he was away. In a way, it was even easier for him, she thought. Being a doctor, he could actually help, should she return injured, whereas the other way round, she could do nothing but hope and pray. Maybe she’d try to point that out to him. Or maybe not, she decided, chuckling to herself. Mentioning even the possibility of her returning injured was certainly a very bad idea.

Leaving the briefing room, she decided to swing by sickbay on her way back to communications, to say hello to Christine and her other friends, some of who hadn’t been able to come to her quarters the evening before. And, of course, to spend a few minutes in McCoy’s warm and comforting presence. She’d promised to let him check out her back today, after all. Just the thought of his gentle hands examining her scar sent another surge of longing through her body.

Jenny straightened her uniform and tried to think of something else, as she strode along the corridors towards the turbolift. Dancing. Yes, that was safer. And something else she thoroughly enjoyed. But she soon found that, much as she was looking forward to an evening of dancing with Pavel, she just couldn’t wait for the moment she’d slip into bed and into Leonard’s arms afterwards. Doing all those incredible things to each other again. Or just lie there in his loving embrace and talk. Or just sleep. Or all of those. As long as she could be close to him, she really didn’t care.


	8. Chapter 8

Her first month on the _Enterprise_ had passed uneventfully, and despite her new position, Jenny had easily settled back into her former routine. Only the time she spent with her friends, new ones as well as her old crowd, had been a little curtailed in favour of spending the later part of her evenings alone with McCoy, whenever he was free. She still had enough time with the band or dancing with Chekov, though. And her crewmates had accepted that with her new and more demanding duties, obviously, came the need for more rest and sleep.

It felt a little odd, she had to admit, not to work in sickbay anymore. She’d really liked it there, and not just because of Leonard, but because there was always something going on, so many different people from all over the ship to meet and talk to every day. Granted, it hadn’t always been fun. She’d seen terrible injuries, people in agony. But McCoy had somehow always managed to fix them, to heal them. And witnessing, or even assisting him pull off yet another miracle, had been awe-inspiring. Besides, unlike in her current line of work, which was mainly research and preparation, the reward for her work in sickbay had been immediate, in every grateful smile or word she’d received from the patients, her colleagues, or sometimes even their formidable CMO. She’d definitely keep spending as much time there as her own workload allowed.

With communications being located close to engineering, she enjoyed spending her breaks with Scotty, letting him show and teach her whatever he came up with. Having learned the hard way how important, and even life-saving, a wide range of knowledge outside her own field of expertise could be in her job, broadening her technical know-how would certainly come in handy at some point. She still felt grateful and warm inside, whenever she thought about how McCoy had indirectly saved her life on _Darvos II_ by letting her work in sickbay and training her well.

To curb her emotional withdrawal symptoms, Jenny tried to have at least one meal a day with the doctor, although it was rarely just the two of them. But she could live with that. She really liked to be around all of her friends, and didn’t mind them joining her and McCoy in the mess. As long as she could feel his tender eyes on her face, or his knee brushing up against hers under the table, she was all right. And, of course, the prospect of falling asleep in his arms at the end of the day, preferably after more than just a goodnight kiss, helped, too.

They’d started out alternating between his quarters and hers, but he’d soon suggested to mostly stay in his, seeing as they were more spacious and, as CMO, he was more likely to be called to an emergency in the middle of the night. Jenny didn’t mind either way, and now a small bag with some spare clothes as well as her toothbrush was living in his quarters. A truly exhilarating thought.

* * *

The first couple of weeks with Hope back aboard had passed without cause for alarm, and McCoy felt himself relax a little, tremendously enjoying having her around again. The nights, of course, were the best, and seemed to be getting even better with time.

He loved spending time in her quarters, which felt very homely now that she’d acquired some knick-knack here and there on her missions with the _Lexington_. But staying in his quarters had turned out more practical, and he loved the way his heart leapt with anticipation every time he returned from a shift, hoping to find her there already. Spending even one night without her was out of the question.

Leaving the physical pleasures aside, just feeling her soothing presence right next to him and knowing her to be safe, did wonders for his peace of mind and made for restful sleep like he hadn’t known in ages.

She’d been on two landing parties already, both of which had completed their missions without incident and returned unharmed. McCoy had been half out of his mind with worry both times, but had managed to keep that to himself. For the most part, anyway. Maybe a little lecture on safety protocol and first aid the night before, but Hope had been impressed with and grateful for his restraint and affectionately told him so. She’d almost seemed proud of him, he thought amusedly.

McCoy knew, of course, that this more or less peaceful life wasn’t going to last forever. Not on the _Enterprise_. Something was bound to happen soon. And he couldn’t help grumbling about his sense of foreboding to Hope from time to time. But she’d just laugh it off, press a kiss on his nose and tell him that even _he_ would get bored after too long a period of nothing but peace and quiet. And maybe she was right. He’d become pretty used to the ongoing excitement of life in space, and on this ship, specifically.

_If only it were less dangerous!_

* * *

The tide turned halfway into the fifth week after her return, when the _Enterprise_ went into orbit around an uncharted planet, and Jenny joined a team cataloguing the remains of an obviously ancient culture long destroyed.

She’d been recording linguistic data in what seemed to have been the equivalent of a library, when the landing party had suddenly been caught in the devastating explosion of a previously undetected weapons system, obviously left behind when the last of the race had fled the planet, presumably to escape some natural disaster.

With all hell breaking loose around her, she remembered having only two thoughts. The first, that they were now very likely never going to find out what happened to that culture, and the second, how McCoy would be able to carry on without her. She hadn’t been scared at all, probably because there hadn’t been time, but the thought of how Leonard would cope with the loss had profoundly distressed her.

Thanks to Scotty’s unrivalled reflexes at the transporter console, however, they’d been beamed out in time to prevent the worst. There were some casualties, but Jenny herself had only suffered minor injuries.

McCoy had arrived in the transporter room on the double, demonstrating enormous professional restraint by not just blindly rushing to her side. But, of course, she’d always known that, if push came to shove, he was a doctor first, and everything else only second.

“You all right, love?” he’d asked her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder as he’d hurried past her, only his eyes betraying the terror he must have felt when he’d received the emergency call.

“Yes, Doctor, just grimy and a little rattled,” she’d been quick to assure him, so that he could move on to check on the others.

* * *

Now, Jenny was sitting in sickbay, waiting her turn for a thorough check-up, while McCoy treated the more severely injured and urgent cases. She loved to watch the doctor going about his work. So capable and confident of every move. She felt admiration for him rise inside her, like every time she was reminded of what a great and gifted doctor he was.

Just being near him made her feel safe. And when his tender eyes met hers across the room every so often, quietly making sure she was still alright, trying to reassure her as much as himself, she had to remind herself that this wonderful man was, in fact, her partner. That it would be her lying in his arms tonight. That it was her who he loved, who he was building his life around.

Still reeling from the shock of the most recent events, the realisation that she could really be this lucky brought happy tears to her eyes. And quick as a flash, McCoy was at her side again.

“What’s wrong, dear?” he asked, looking at her with concern in his eyes.

“Nothing, Leonard,” she smiled through her tears. “Sorry, just emotional. Please don’t mind me. Get back to the patients who really need you!”

“You sure?” he didn’t look convinced.

“Yes, quite sure. Really. I’ll explain later, ok? It’s nothing to worry about. I promise.”

* * *

It was not until much later that night that McCoy brought it up again, lying in bed with Hope securely ensconced in his arms, relieved and grateful beyond measure that she was once again safe and whole, and that all the other members of the landing party were, or at least were going to be well again, too. 

“Care to tell me now what upset you so much in sickbay earlier?” he asked softly, planting a gentle kiss on the top of her head.

“Oh Leonard, I wasn't upset at all!” she burst out, throwing her arm around him and squeezing so tight, it nearly drove the air out of his lungs. 

“Well, you sure seemed upset to me,” he wheezed, gently prying her arm off his chest, smiling over her typically boisterous demonstration of love. 

Hope took the hint and settled back comfortably into the crook of his arm, sighing contentedly as she did so. 

“No, Leonard, I really wasn't upset. Only somehow overwhelmed, and emotional, and ... awed. Those were happy tears.” 

McCoy tenderly ran his fingers through her hair. 

“Awed?” he asked, puzzled, not being able to make the connection. 

“Yes, awed,” she repeated, “by the way you go about your job. By you.” 

“By me?” the doctor chuckled, caught totally off guard, and, suddenly lost for words, raised a quizzical eyebrow and silently waited for her to elaborate.

Hope lifted her head to look into his eyes, her gaze so full of love and admiration, it sent a shiver of excitement down his spine.

“I used to be so in awe of you, Leonard, when I first worked in sickbay,” she smiled, almost embarrassedly, “admiring the way you keep calm in crises, how you know exactly where to start, what to do, what to say, totally in control of the situation. Watching you, just being near you, used to make me feel safe and reassured like I’d never known before. It still does. Even today, when I watch you at work, you’re still this awe-inspiring hero to me. And then I remember that this incredible man is actually in love with me. That I’m the one he’ll be holding at night. That it's me he wants to be with. And I still often wonder what I’ve done to deserve you. I feel so blessed and ... honoured that you love me.”

She fell silent and gently rested her head back on his chest, leaving McCoy to absorb everything she’d just said.

Her words had moved him so deeply, he was stunned into momentary silence. All he could do was pull her closer and hope that she could feel the strength of his love in his touch. There were no words that could express his feelings right now. But he was sure she understood. Sometimes, he thought, their love was just too great for words.

He'd always assumed that they agreed on _him_ being the lucky party in their relationship, having such a brilliant and beautiful young woman choose to love him. It had never occurred to him that Hope would feel lucky and blessed, too. Let alone honoured. 

Of course, he knew how deeply she loved and cared for him. He could feel it in every glance, in every touch. And he was also aware of the immense respect she held for him and his profession. How she thought of him as a gifted and experienced physician. How she approved of his dedication and was proud of his achievements. And of course, he'd often been touched and more than a little amused by her utter, almost childlike faith in his ability to fix everything and everyone.

But he'd never seen himself as an awe-inspiring personality, and he almost felt a little uncomfortable when, for the first time, he really saw the admiration in her eyes. He'd probably been too absorbed by his own admiration for her, to notice it before. But it was certainly a tremendous boost to his ego and made him feel twice as tall. Trust Hope to keep coming up with ever new ways to make him feel good about himself. 


	9. Chapter 9

McCoy was sitting at the desk in his quarters, scrolling through shore leave attractions, when the call came. One minute, he was happily making plans for the next three days with Hope, who was standing behind him, chin resting on his shoulder, arms wound around his chest, her breath gently tickling his ear, and the next, his whole world was falling apart.

He’d known that something was very wrong the moment Uhura had put Dr. Schneider through. Dr. Elizabeth Schneider ran the medical facility on _New Oxbridge_ , where his daughter Joanna was currently working as an intern to gain some work experience before her final year of nursing school.

“Leonard,” Dr. Schneider nodded at him from the screen, her face friendly but serious.

“Elizabeth,” McCoy greeted her curtly, before blurting out, “has something happened to Joanna?”

“There’s been an outbreak of Andorian fever,” Dr. Schneider began hesitantly, running a nervous hand through her curly hair, the compassion on her face answering his question. “But it’s a new strain of the virus, some mutation that can cross species. We’ve been working day and night for over 72 hours now, but we’re no step closer to adjusting the cure accordingly.”

“And Joanna?” he croaked, his voice failing him, as his mind was racing through all the possible reasons for this call, leaving him feeling numb.

Through the haze of his stupor, he felt Hope put a hand on his arm and gently squeeze, while his own hands were clenched into fists.

“Joanna’s been infected, too,” Dr. Schneider answered quietly. “She’s been working in the wing of the hospital that had to be quarantined. I’m so sorry, Leonard.”

McCoy opened his mouth, needing to know the details, but no words were coming out.

“How _is_ Joanna?” he heard Hope ask, stepping in when she realised that he’d lost the power of speech. “Can the doctor talk to her?”

“I’m sorry, she’s in a shielded area. But I can tell you that she’s showing only mild symptoms, so far, and she’s not in pain. However, unless we can find a cure within the next week, chances for a full recovery are slim,” Dr. Schneider continued bluntly, knowing there was no sugar-coating for McCoy, who was as much aware of the medical facts as she was.

McCoy was paralysed with fear. He’d seen Andorian survivors of the fever. Death would have been kinder. Somewhere through the fog in his head he heard Hope introduce herself to Dr. Schneider, and then ask if Dr. McCoy could call her back a little later. Elizabeth must have agreed, because the screen faded back to the shore leave attractions, and all he could do was stare at the lush greens and blues of a paradise he’d now forever associate with hell.

* * *

Jenny took a few deep breaths to stop the trembling, feeling completely out of her depth. She could feel McCoy’s pain as if it were her own, and yet, was aware that she didn’t know the half of it. How was she supposed to help him? What did you tell a father who’d just learned that his only daughter was about to die, while he was lightyears away? This wasn’t something she could just kiss better.

Gently rubbing and squeezing his arm, as he kept mindlessly scrolling up and down the list, she just stared at him for a minute, willing him to jump into action. To have a plan, like he usually did. Surely there was something he could do? When she couldn’t stand the silence any longer, she gently took his face between her hands and turned him around in his chair, forcing him to look at her.

There were many sides to McCoy, and Jenny had been pretty sure she’d seen all of them, ranging from seething with anger to ecstatically happy. She’d already seen him scared out of his mind, too, but never like this. Confused and helpless. And it broke her heart.

Despite being the epitome of emotional outburst, McCoy would normally go into composed doctor-mode instantly, when faced with an emergency, always staying calm and organised in crises. But, of course, everything was different where his own daughter was concerned. Nothing routine about that.

The haunted look in his eyes, begging for help, pleading with her to make this nightmare go away, nearly killed her, and she realised that it was her call to take care of him now. To be strong for him, to guide him.

“You need to do something, Leonard,” she burst out, startling him out of his stupor.

“Yes!” he jumped up, nodding frantically and nearly knocking over the chair, “I must talk to Jim. I need to go there, I need to get to my baby girl.”

He was halfway to the door, when Jenny grabbed his arm to stop him.

“Leonard, there’s no way you can get there in time! You need to help from here,” Jenny heard herself say, surprised by how calm and determined she sounded.

McCoy visibly deflated, as the futility of his plan hit home.

“How?” he whispered, nervously licking his lips, and the hopelessness that was written all over his face nearly tore Jenny apart.

“They’re looking for a cure,” she ploughed on, not really knowing what she was going to say until the words were out, “so, find one! You’ve done it many times before, it’s one of the things you’re so good at!”

Jenny saw McCoy furrow his brow in despair at that. Or was it anger? She didn’t know. And, frankly, she didn’t care. Whatever it took to get him to do it. It was the only way, the only chance.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Jenny! You don’t know what you’re talking about!” the doctor flared up, desperation making him bitter. “You can’t just come up with a cure from nothing. Quite obviously, you don’t have the slightest idea about medical research!”

“You’re right, I don’t,” Jenny stood her ground, staring hard at him, “but you’re the most brilliant doctor and scientist in Starfleet. You can do it! This is the 23rd century, for heaven’s sake! Surely, you can do something to help from here?”

McCoy was still looking at her as if she were crazy, but she could see the idea settling in his mind, his brain going into overdrive. Jenny could have cried with relief, just seeing the colour return to his cheeks, his eyes lighting up with hope, as he realised there was still a chance, still something he could do.

“Tell you what, Leonard,” the words were tumbling out of her now, eager to get him started. “You call Dr. Schneider back for details, and I’ll go find Spock. If there’s anyone who can help you with whatever you need to do, it’s him.”

Giving him a gentle push back towards his desk, Jenny turned on her heel and was just about to hurry out the door, when she was stopped in her tracks by a firm hand on her shoulder. Spinning around, she came face to face with McCoy, who was blinking back the tears.

“Thank you,” was all he said, but his eyes were full of unspoken words.

“Always,” she smiled, brushing a gentle kiss on his lips. “I love you, Leonard!”

* * *

McCoy stood there for a moment longer, staring at the doors that had just slid shut behind Hope, and taking a deep breath. He still felt trapped in a nightmare, but at least he could breathe again. Living up to her beautiful name, Jenny had given him hope. She was right, he couldn’t just give up, there was always something he could do. He’d saved so many lives in his career, pulled off so many miracles. He could do this. He could do this for his daughter. He could save his baby girl.

Feeling a warm surge of gratitude for having Hope in his life, he returned to his desk and asked Uhura to reconnect him with Dr. Schneider. And while he was waiting for her to get through to New Oxbridge, he tried to push all images of a frail and suffering Joanna aside, and started jotting down notes for the conversation with his colleague. At least he could be sure that Elizabeth, an old family friend, would do everything in her power to make Joanna as comfortable as possible.

* * *

Jenny found Spock in one of the rec rooms, playing a game of chess with the captain. She quickly ran them through Dr. Schneider’s call and what McCoy was intending to do, and wasn’t surprised to see Spock immediately get up from his chair to go and help the doctor, without her even having to ask.

“I’m coming, too,” Kirk exclaimed, already on his feet and falling into step beside his first officer, as the three of them hurried towards the turbolift. “Whatever Bones needs, I’ll make sure he gets.”

A surge of affection washed over Jenny, as she looked into the determined faces of the two men.

 _Leonard has the best of friends_ , she thought lovingly, _and he so deserves it!_

When they arrived at McCoy’s quarters, the doctor was deep in conversation with Dr. Schneider and another, male colleague, who couldn’t be much older than Jenny herself by the looks of him.

She didn’t understand a word they were saying, but gathered that they were already discussing tests and procedures, feeling unspeakably relieved that her ‘ridiculous’ idea seemed to at least be worth a shot. Life hadn’t always treated him kindly, and yet, there was no kinder man in the world than Leonard. He was the sort of man who’d unthinkingly put his own life at risk to save any random stranger. Surely, he deserved a chance to save his own daughter!

Trying to fade into the background, as Kirk listened attentively, and Spock smoothly joined in the discussion, Jenny cast a longing glance in the direction of McCoy’s bed, thinking how, only a couple of hours ago, life had been perfect. Looking at the doctor’s face, a little more relaxed now that he was back on familiar ground, being proactive and talking to his colleagues about a scientific approach to the problem, the full extent of the horror he must be going through started to dawn on her, and she could hardly resist going up to him and hugging him tight.

She worried about Joanna, too. Because she loved Leonard and would always worry with him and about him. But, of course, she couldn’t pretend that her worry for Joanna compared in the slightest to what McCoy must be feeling. She didn’t even know the girl. But Joanna was Leonard’s daughter, part of him, and surely the single most important person in his life.

Once again, she was overwhelmed by the depth of her love for the doctor. By how much she wished him to be happy. To think that, not long ago, she’d been worried about how he’d be able to cope with losing _her_. How inconsequential that seemed now that his daughter’s life was at stake.

McCoy was very resilient, taking every blow of fate, enduring every setback life had in store for him, and still trying to be the best healer, the best person, the best friend he could possibly be. Well, he did plenty of complaining of course, but if you listened closely, you found that it was never about personal problems, but always about standing up for his beliefs and for others. About feeling responsible for those dear to him as much as for complete strangers who couldn’t stand up for themselves. No one deserved to be happy more than he did.

But no matter how resilient he was, Jenny felt that losing his daughter would certainly break him. She’d have to make sure that didn’t happen. That _he_ wouldn’t let that happen.


	10. Chapter 10

While agreeing on the best course of action and setting up a schedule with Elizabeth and Martin, head of her biolab and a promisingly bright and eager young man, McCoy saw Hope – dear, dear Hope – usher Jim and Spock into his quarters, and immediately felt as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. His friends hadn’t even said a word yet, but just having them by his side filled his heart with new confidence. Between Spock’s brilliant mind for science and Jim’s determination and history of beating the odds, they’d be able to save Joanna.

With renewed energy, and grateful for Spock’s instant input, McCoy threw himself into finalising the details, hoping for first results already at their next conference call. As soon as the screen went dark, the captain came over to give him an encouraging look and a brief pat on the back, then rushed out the door to do whatever Jim Kirk does to beat the odds.

Spock stayed a moment longer, letting the doctor know what information he intended to draw from the computer banks within the next hour, then strode out the door with a polite nod in Hope’s direction. What a gift to have someone with the Vulcan ability of speed-reading by his side, McCoy thought gratefully.

After Spock had left, too, McCoy took a moment to deliberately push the horrible images of what might be lying ahead of Joanna to the back of his mind. He’d been all right as long as he was focused on the conference call, but the moment he was left alone with his thoughts, those ghastly visions were coming back.

Taking a calming breath, his eyes fell on Hope, who was standing quietly beside the door, watching him with a mixture of love and compassion that went straight to his aching heart. As always, she was the light in his darkness. Radiating a love so pure and selfless, she seemed to be glowing from inside. And today, more than ever, he was eternally grateful for her warm presence to soothe his troubled mind.

Without her, he’d still be wallowing in his grief and despair, frozen with fear instead of using his abilities, and the time left, to the full. But thanks to Hope, there was still a fighting chance. She really was a godsend. Joanna was going to be okay, he wanted to believe that with every fibre of his being.

Standing up, McCoy went over to Hope and pulled her into a tight hug.

“Thank you for everything, love,” he murmured into her hair, his voice rough with emotion. “For stepping in when I was paralysed with shock, for stirring me out of my daze, and for getting Jim and Spock. I’d be lost without you.”

He pulled back to look at her, and suddenly saw the tiredness behind her loving smile. Her new responsibilities, paired with her more or less constant assignments recently, had taken it out of her, and she’d really been looking forward to three relaxing days of nothing but fresh air, lazy walks, and sufficient sleep.

“And now I want you to go pack for shore leave,” he continued, “and have a good time. Relax and recharge your batteries.”

“Okay, Leonard,” Hope smiled indulgently at him. “You needed to say that, I get it. And I appreciate the thought. But you didn’t seriously expect me to go, did you? At least I hope you didn’t. Can we please move on to more important things now?”

“I love you, Jenny,” he chuckled, pulling her in for a brief kiss.

She was right. Of course, he hadn’t.

“Well, if you’re up for it, I could really use a hand in the biolab. They’ve already closed down for shore leave, so I’d appreciate your help getting everything back up and running again.”

“Whatever you need,” she smiled and took a step towards the door to get going.

“One more thing before we go,” he stopped her, gripping her shoulders and gently turning her around to face him again, “seeing as Spock will be joining us in the lab.”

He softly pressed his lips to hers and kissed her with a passion born from desperation and the need to reassure himself that at least one aspect of his life was still intact. Hope returned the kiss with the fire he needed to feel right now, and he gratefully drew strength from her endless well of love and tenderness.

* * *

At first, Jenny was taken aback by his passionate kiss, thinking that kissing would surely be the furthest thing from his mind right now. But when she felt the urgency, the hunger in the touch of his lips, she understood that he was desperate for something good, something familiar, to hold on to. That he needed proof of some things still being the same as before. And, of course, she was happy to give him the reassurance he needed in every way she could.

When they arrived at the biolab a few minutes later, fully expecting to find it dark and deserted, Jenny was surprised to be greeted by a crowd of people and whirring instruments. So, obviously, was McCoy, who came to an abrupt halt in the doorway, nearly making her run into his back.

“What are you lot still doing here?” he asked bluntly, and Jenny was glad to see him back to his typical CMO-charm. “Shouldn’t you all be packing for shore leave by now?”

“We were,” Christine Chapel, who’d just entered from the other side, spoke up. “But we came back when we heard about your daughter.”

“There’s no way we’re leaving you to fight this battle alone, Doctor,” one of the younger lab assistants piped up. “You’re pulling all-nighters for the crew all the time. Now it’s our chance to return the favour.”

There was a short silence before McCoy found his voice again, and Jenny wondered if anyone of his staff had ever seen the doctor choked up with emotion before. Probably not, she decided, when she looked at their faces, expressions ranging from touched to almost embarrassed.

“I appreciate that very much,” he said at last, his voice thick with emotion. “Thank you, all! So, let’s get to work!”

Jenny took a step back, as everyone gathered around the CMO to get their respective tasks assigned, and was relieved to see him back in full action rather than rigid with fear, her heart warmed by the fact that all these people had unhesitatingly given up their shore leave plans to support McCoy. He was certainly much more loved and appreciated than he gave himself credit for. And rightly so. They couldn’t wish for a better chief, and, as it seemed, they knew it.

While everyone, including Christine, was busy at their stations, Jenny made herself useful bringing water and coffee, and dishing out snacks. Not really knowing her way around the lab, and without any real medical education, she decided that this, and staying out of the way as best she could, was the most efficient way to help.

Only Spock, when he joined them, seemed to have an ongoing string of simple tasks for her to carry out. Probably knowing more about her and McCoy’s relationship than he let on, he seemed to have taken pity on her. In his Vulcan way of course. And, not for the first time, Jenny thought that under his aloof and unemotional exterior, he was certainly the second kindest man on the _Enterprise_.

When she handed Christine another coffee, the nurse raised an appraising eyebrow at her and, with a knowing smile, asked, “No offence, Jen, but why exactly did you stay behind?”

Jenny tried to keep the colour from rising to her cheeks, and covered her embarrassment with a long-suffering glance.

“I was with Leonard when they called about Joanna, I just couldn’t leave him alone after that.”

That quickly took the grin off Christine’s face again.

“I’m sorry, Jen, I didn’t mean to pry,” the nurse said softly. “You’re a good friend, and he certainly feels better having you around.”

* * *

The hours went by without any progress worth mentioning, and McCoy was getting antsy. Spock had gone back to searching the computer banks, and he knew that everybody in the lab was doing their best. He’d been immensely touched and grateful that they’d come back to help, but it just wasn’t good enough. They were running out of time. It had already been late evening when they’d started, and he could see that everyone was getting tired, which meant clumsy and prone to making mistakes or missing something.

So, when the first petri dish broke, he called it a night and asked his volunteers to get some sleep, which they eagerly accepted, promising to be back first thing in the morning.

“You should get a few hours of shut-eye, too, Leonard,” Chapel suggested carefully. “Rested, you’ll be more successful!”

“I know, Christine,” he replied wearily, “and I appreciate your concern. But I just couldn’t sleep now, I need to keep going.”

Thankfully, Hope came to the rescue.

“You go ahead, Christine, get some sleep,” she smiled at the nurse, “I’ll take care of the doctor.”

“But he needs to rest!” Chapel insisted. “Him breaking down won’t do anyone any good, and he knows it!”

“He does,” Hope replied emphatically, “but this is about Joanna. He can’t just go to sleep while she’s still in danger. You don’t understand, Christine, you don’t have children!”

“And neither do you,” Chapel retorted huffily, but seemed to realise that picking a fight in the middle of a crisis, when everyone was exhausted, wasn’t a good idea.

So she relented and walked out with a tired smile, leaving Hope and McCoy to it.

_Right, neither does she_ , the doctor thought, affectionately looking at Hope’s stricken face. _But the way she’d just reacted, you could almost think she knew what she was talking about. No one more empathetic than her._

* * *

_I must be really tired, too_ , Hope thought, caught totally unawares by what she’d just experienced.

Of course, she didn’t know how it felt to worry about a child. But for a moment there, she could have sworn she did. Maybe McCoy’s intense pain had rubbed off on her. Or maybe her looking after those two girls in her ‘first life’, who’d practically lived with her on and off, whenever their mother had been ill or working two jobs, had something to do with it. Whatever, Leonard needed to keep going, no matter what, she could see that.

“Thanks, love,” he broke into her thoughts, putting an arm around her waist and pulling her close for a moment. “Do you think you could get me another coffee, before I send you to sleep, too?”

“Leonard, I’m certainly not leaving you here on your own!” she exclaimed. “We’ll get through this together, remember? Just what you told me, when I was in distress.”

“All right, darling,” McCoy gave her an affectionate smile and another squeeze, and she was glad that he didn’t even pretend to put up a fight. “Can you still get us coffee, though?”

“Of course,” she laughed, pecking him on the cheek. “Back in a mo!”

* * *

McCoy knew that it was selfish, but he was more than grateful that Hope was determined to stay with him. He just couldn’t face being alone with his fears. Hope would certainly keep his mind from going crazy with worry.

He was just getting two shots of stimulants ready, when she returned with the coffees.

“Don’t start on those just yet, Leonard,” she looked at him pleadingly. “You know, you can’t keep taking them forever, and you might need them more urgently later. We have no idea how long this is going to take.”

“You’re a wise woman, Jenny,” he replied, considering her words, “but I need to be alert now, I can’t risk missing anything.”

“Why don’t we take turns?” she suggested, taking a sip of her coffee.

It was really sweet of her, he thought, but, brilliant as she was in other areas, she didn’t have the first clue about how to perform any of those tests, let alone what to look for. 

“I know what you’re thinking,” she continued.

Of course, she did, didn’t she always?

“But all those tests you do take time to show results, don’t they? 20 minutes, half an hour?”

“Yes,” the doctor admitted, starting to get the idea.

“So, I can rest while you set everything up, and you can take a nap while I watch the instruments. Not ideal, but power naps were all the rage in my time.”

“All right, we’ll give it a try.”

And why not? Saving the stimulants for later was certainly not a bad idea. Much as he hoped to hit on the right compound soon, he had to stay realistic.

Just then, the doors swished open. But instead of Spock, it was Jim striding straight towards him, excitedly holding out a record tape.

“Bones,” he gushed, a wide grin spreading across his face, “unfortunately I didn’t manage to get you a real-time connection, but this is a recording from Joanna of only minutes ago. And you can send her a message back right away.”

“How did you do that?” McCoy reached for the tape, his heart beating so fast, he could hardly breathe.

Kirk just smiled.

“Oh, you know, just a friend of a friend. I’ll leave you to it now.”

And as quickly as he’d come in, he was out the door again.

McCoy stared at the tape for a moment, before Hope took it out of his trembling hands and inserted it for him.

“Please stay,” was all he could get out, grabbing her hand as she was about to follow the captain out.

He didn’t need privacy, he needed her comforting presence for this.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an extra-long chapter to get you over the next week, since I’m leaving for a week of skiing tomorrow and don’t know if I’ll have enough signal/Wi-Fi to post from 'way up high in the mountains'. ⛷  
> "Hope" you enjoy! 😊

McCoy sat down in front of the screen and started the tape. Hope had, of course, immediately turned around and stepped behind him, when he’d asked her to stay, and he was grateful to feel the comforting touch of her hands on his shoulders.

“Hi Daddy,” Joanna smiled from the screen, but he could see the fear in her eyes, and the reality of the situation came crushing down on him.

His baby girl had been infected with a deadly virus. But she was all grown up, trying to be brave for him, and he felt that the only thing keeping him from falling apart was Hope’s firm grip on his shoulders.

“Elizabeth told me not to be afraid, because you’re working on a serum as we speak. That was the best news ever! If anyone can come up with a cure in time, it’s certainly you!”

McCoy couldn’t repress a sob at seeing the utter faith on his daughter’s face. He was desperate to answer, to comfort her, but that wasn’t possible, of course. This was only a recording.

“Don’t worry, Daddy, I’m still feeling fine,” Joanna continued, and he felt tears running down his cheeks, as his vision started to blur. “Thankfully, I seem to have inherited your constitution.”

She laughed a little at that, her sweet, girly laugh. Then her face turned serious again, and this time, she couldn’t quite hide her distress anymore.

“But, when I look at the patients around me, how some of them are in a really bad way, I’d rather not have to stay here much longer. So, please hurry, Daddy! I love you!”

The recording ended rather abruptly, as she obviously hadn’t wanted him to see her desperation, and Joanna’s face was replaced by Dr. Schneider’s, her kind eyes full of compassion.

“Leonard, I know you’re beside yourself with worry now, and it’s understandable. But please know that your wonderful daughter is still taking care of the other patients in the quarantined wing, which doesn’t only mean that you can be incredibly proud of her, but also that she’s still well enough to do it. She seems to be extraordinarily resistant. And, of course, you can reach me at all times.”

The screen went dark, and the tape popped out of the slot.

“Joanna’s so much like you!” Hope whispered behind him, her gentle hands rubbing up and down his arms as if to warm him.

For a moment, McCoy remained frozen, feeling completely numb. But then he shook his head to clear his vision and his thoughts, and pushed the tape back in. He had to record a reassuring message for Joanna right away. She needed to know that he was on the case, and that, if not physically, he was at least emotionally as close as he could be.

“Go, wash your face first,” Hope said quietly, tapping his arm. “You want her to see you confident and optimistic, not bleary-eyed with worry and fear.”

“You’re right,” he smiled gratefully, then got up and went over to the lab’s sink.

So good to know that he could count on Hope’s quick mind, when he was about to lose his.

* * *

Jenny was glad to see McCoy record his message to Joanna with a steady voice and a smile on his face, ending it with, “Don’t worry, sweetheart, we’re working day and night here. It won’t be long until you’re fine again!”

He only broke down after he’d taken the tape out, and Jenny felt her heart break with his, as she wrapped her arms tightly around him.

“If I could just hold her,” he whispered, hiding his face in his hands. “She must feel so terribly afraid and alone.”

“She won’t, if we get this to her quickly,” Jenny said determinedly, taking the tape from him. “I’m just going to find the captain, all right?”

And with another brief hug and a kiss to the top of his head, she raced out the door to get the tape to Kirk, so he could have the message sent to _New Oxbridge_ as quickly as possible. The tape might not have had the captain’s intended effect on McCoy, rather the opposite really, but it would certainly help Joanna stay hopeful. The doctor had been very convincing in his optimism.

When she returned to the lab some fifteen minutes later, McCoy was hunched over one of the instruments, and she could tell just by looking at his back that he was already losing faith, in himself as much as in fate.

Looking up at her with a deep frown on his face, he asked, “Why did I even think I could be happy for once? I really should have known better, I’m just not destined to be happy, Jenny. There are always consequences when I am. I’ve been on top of the world ever since you returned to the _Enterprise_. And now Joanna has to suffer for it.”

Jenny felt a pang of guilt at his words, but angrily pushed the feeling aside again.

_This is nonsense!_

She stepped right in front of him and wrapped her arms around his waist, looking deeply into his eyes.

“No one is being punished for your being happy, Leonard,” she told him emphatically. “You deserve every bit of happiness! Things just happen. It’s pure coincidence.”

“There’s no such thing as coincidence,” he replied defeatedly. “You’ve said so yourself many times.”

“And maybe there isn’t,” she conceded softly. “Maybe this is happening now, of all times, because you have someone to support you unconditionally. Someone whose first priority is your and your daughter’s well-being. Someone who’ll stay by your side through it all and make sure you keep focused. Because falling to pieces and struggling with fate is not going to save Joanna.”

“You haven’t even met her,” McCoy said, his eyes welling up at her words.

“Not yet, Leonard,” she smiled, “but I’m going to. Soon. You’ve got this. Joanna is right, if anyone can come up with a cure in time, it’s you. So, pull yourself together and get going again! You have a promise to fulfil.”

McCoy gazed at her for a moment, then wrapped her in his arms and pressed a tender kiss on her lips.

“There you were, afraid of needing me too much,” he murmured lovingly. “But you have no idea just how much I need you right now. Your caring, your support, your faith, mean everything to me.”

Enjoying the warmth of his embrace, Jenny let him hold her a little longer, thinking of all the times he’d been there for her, had comforted and supported her. It felt good to be able to return some of his kindness, although she’d still rather be in his arms for a different reason.

* * *

McCoy was rubbing his face, feeling completely deflated. He’d tried anything and everything he could think of, but nothing worked. True to her word, Hope had let him rest while watching the instruments, waking him the moment the results came up. Thanks to her gentle hands running through his hair and her soothing face massages, he’d in fact managed to get a few naps in, getting him through the first night without stimulants.

Spock had been in and out of the lab with new suggestions all through the night, but even a Vulcan genius couldn’t just magic up a cure.

All of the lab staff had come back to help in the morning, as promised, and had worked for twelve hours straight, until he’d sent them all back to rest. Without any progress to show for all their work. Now Hope and he were going into their second nightshift, and he was getting desperate. He _had_ to find a cure. There was no other option.

The doctor had reverted to stimulants halfway through the day, with Hope not saying a word to discourage him, and now it was only her taking a nap here and there, while he kept busy. He knew she needed to rest, she hadn’t slept for two days. But the moment she fell asleep, if only for a few minutes, he felt so lost and alone, he wanted to scream. The terrible fear of losing Joanna became more real with every failed test, and he was running out of ideas.

Twice, he’d broken down crying already, the stimulants putting him even more on edge, and Hope had held and soothed him both times, pouring all her love and tenderness into her embrace. But only for so long. Then she’d determinedly told him to snap out of it and made him start all over again with another test. Giving up just wasn’t an option. He knew it too, of course, but was still grateful for Hope reminding him with a figurative kick up the backside again and again.

She never lost faith, not once got tired of encouraging him. Only when Dr. Schneider called to let him know that Joanna’s temperature was finally rising, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Hope go pale and shed some secret tears, too. And, in the end, it was this little slip, not meant for him to see, this proof of how much she worried about Joanna, too, and that even her strength had its limits, that lead to the breakthrough.

Seeing her tears was what spurred McCoy on to give one of Spock’s most improbable suggestions one last, desperate try. And that was that. They’d found it! He was ecstatic, when he lifted Hope off the floor and spun her around, both of them laughing and crying with relief and exhaustion, while Spock looked on with quiet satisfaction.

But then came the hardest part. After McCoy had called Dr. Schneider to give her the good news and the formula, all they could do was wait. And it drove him up the walls. Coming down from the stimulants didn’t help, either, of course.

* * *

Jenny was so incredibly tired, yet she knew she had to keep going. No one had ever needed her more than McCoy did now. She was elated that he’d found a cure. Relieved and so proud of him. But they were not quite there, yet. They still had to wait for Dr. Schneider to confirm that it actually worked. At least she could convince Leonard to go back to his quarters and wait there.

Although that might not have been the best idea, since they found a message from Jocelyn waiting for him there. Jenny had actually started to wonder where McCoy’s ex-wife was in all of this, and if she would contact him. Surely any mother would try to reach out to her child’s father, if said child was in danger? But then, from the little the doctor had told her about his marriage, she could only guess how bad their relationship was. Really bad, judging from the pained look on his face when he discovered the message.

“I’ll give you some privacy,” Jenny began hesitantly, not sure if leaving him alone with whatever Jocelyn had had to say was really wise.

But, just like before in the lab, McCoy held her back.

“Please stay, Jenny,” he said, firmly holding on to her hand. “Don’t always feel like you have to give me privacy. I want you around. For everything. I don’t have any secrets.”

She smiled at him.

“All right, then, Leonard, I’d certainly like to be there for you. Always.”

With a satisfied nod at her answer and a deep sigh for what he expected was lying ahead of him, he sat down at his desk and opened the message.

Jenny nearly jumped, when the booming voice of a beautiful, formidable verging on scary, woman rang out.

“Are you happy now, Leonard?” Jocelyn began her message without a word of greeting. “First you abandon her for space, then you make her follow you there, and now she is dying, and it’s all your fault!”

In her defence, she was scared to death about her daughter, Jenny thought, wincing. But when she saw McCoy’s stricken expression as he recoiled from the screen, she started to feel real anger towards this woman. Surely, she must have known that Joanna’s father would be no less affected by his daughter’s circumstances than she was. Leonard could certainly be abrasive, too, when he got caught up in his worries and fears, but she couldn’t imagine him ever being this cruel.

“You’ve got to fix this, Leonard! Do you hear me?” Jocelyn ranted on. “You’ve ruined our family for wanting to be this supreme healer. All this time you put into studying and work instead of being there for me. For us. Now, at least, find a cure for our daughter! It’s the only thing you’re any good at, anyway. So be useful for once!”

The message broke off abruptly, although for completely different reasons than Joanna’s had. Jenny was speechless. For all the good she always tried to see in everyone and everything, this woman definitely didn’t make it easy to find a saving grace. She could only hope that Joanna hadn’t inherited too many of her mother’s genes. But from what she knew about her, and what she’d seen for herself last night, luckily, she seemed to take after her father.

Her wonderful, kind, caring, loving father, who was sitting there in front of his computer having his heart ripped out by this horrible bitch abusing his feelings of guilt. Yes, bitch. There was no other word, even if it was probably the first time Jenny had actually used it. And looking at the mortified expression on his face, McCoy probably wished, he’d let Jenny give him some privacy for watching this message after all.

“She was not in her right mind,” Jenny muttered, trying to ease his humiliation. “Probably only just learned about Joanna’s situation when she sent this.”

But by the look McCoy gave her, she gathered that it obviously wasn’t unusual for Jocelyn to talk to him like this.

* * *

Only Hope could try and find excuses for Jocelyn’s behaviour. And he loved her for it. But even she’d been quite shocked, he could tell. He’d never wanted her to see his ex-wife like this, afraid that she’d be appalled by what a terrible relationship they had. And, truthfully, he’d really thought that a call about Joanna in this situation would be more civil, more worried than angry. Poor judgement on his part. He should have known that Jocelyn would always be Jocelyn.

He hadn’t heard from her in years, ever since Joanna was old enough to talk to him and meet him without her mother’s consent. And he was dismayed at how, after all these years, she was still getting to him, playing on his guilt. Yes, he had put medicine first, naively thinking that his family would understand, maybe even be proud of him like Hope was. And yes, he should have fought harder over custody for Joanna, but at the time he’d been convinced that agreeing to whatever Jocelyn demanded, thus sparing their daughter a prolonged battle in court, was for Joanna’s best.

However, all his thoughts about Jocelyn and how her behaviour might put Hope off a relationship with him, immediately fell away, when he looked into Jenny’s compassionate eyes. There was not a trace of repulsion in her face. Only love and … exhaustion. Poor darling. She was the exact opposite of everything Jocelyn had ever been. Hope was supportive like no other woman he’d ever known. No matter how tired she was, she wouldn’t think of sleeping while he was still waiting for final confirmation. He couldn’t wish for a more wonderful woman by his side. When this was over, he’d have to find a way to make it up to her.

* * *

Jenny was glad to see the hurt and mortification disappear from McCoy’s face, his expression returning to cautiously optimistic again, the love he held for her, once more plainly visible in his eyes. And when he suggested to move to the couch and get comfortable there while they waited, she readily agreed. All she had to do was stay awake a little longer, since he was clearly intending to give her a chance to sleep.

“Tell me about Joanna,” she prompted, once she was comfortably ensconced in his arms, and he happily complied.

The stories he came up with, mostly about her early childhood, were heart-warming and proved that he’d been anything but a distant father. He might have been away for work a lot, but the time he spent with his daughter was definitely special for both of them. No wonder, she’d followed him into medicine, he was quite obviously her hero. They had a connection, even if they hadn’t been close for several years, drifting more and more apart after the divorce and Jocelyn’s endeavours to keep it that way.

Jenny and McCoy sat like this for almost two hours, with her listening to him rambling on, encouraging all his positive memories, and she was happy to see him think about the good times rather than about the unnerving wait.

When the computer signalled an incoming call, they both jumped up as one, but McCoy didn’t follow Jenny to his desk. Frozen with renewed fear, he looked at her imploringly.

“Can you please get that?” he whispered. “I just can’t!”

“Of course,” she replied and opened the channel, her heart beating like mad in her chest, as she felt McCoy come up to stand close behind her.

It was not Dr. Schneider but some other doctor clad in scrubs.

“I’m very sorry, Dr. McCoy, we tried everything…” she began, and Jenny felt a cold hand clamp around her heart, as Leonard behind her sank to his knees with an almost unhuman sounding whimper.

“… to set up a real-time connection with your daughter quickly, but unfortunately this will take more time than we thought.”

Crouched down by McCoy’s side, holding him tight as he was racked with desperate sobs, Jenny’s head shot up as the doctor on the screen continued seemingly undisturbed.

“Joanna has reacted well to the serum, her temperature’s already dropped back to normal, and her symptoms are fading as we speak.”

McCoy didn’t hear any of this, he was completely lost in a world of unimaginable loss and unbearable grief, and Jenny, being tired and overwrought, lost it completely.

Straightening up, she looked daggers at the woman on the screen and shouted, “Do you ever even think before you speak? Who starts a sentence with ‘we’re sorry, we tried everything’, when giving a desperate father good news about his daughter?”

The woman looked mortified, and Jenny felt instantly sorry for her outburst. She’d probably been working day and night, too.

“I’m sorry,” she said contritely, “I really wasn’t thinking.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Jenny replied, “I didn’t mean to bite your head off. Can you just give us a minute?”

“Of course,” the doctor nodded, “I’ll call again in five minutes. Will that be sufficient?”

“It should be,” Jenny confirmed, then squatted down to deal with the aftermath of this woman’s careless choice of words.

“Leonard,” she called softly, then a little more loudly, as she shook him by the shoulders, trying to get through to him. “It’s all right, Joanna’s all right!”

She had to repeat that several times, all the while trying to make him look at her. She couldn’t help it, she was still furious with this woman who’d just put him through hell again. But when she saw realisation slowly dawning on his face, his eyes finding hers, not quite trusting anything he saw or heard anymore and looking for confirmation, she just nodded and threw her arms around him. They both clung to each other, crying and laughing and caressing each other’s tearstained faces until the promised call five minutes later forced them to get their act together again.

This time, it was Dr. Schneider who called, apologising profusely, and then moving on to telling McCoy every little detail about Joanna’s ongoing recovery.

Jenny tuned out of all the medical babble. And thinking how grateful she was to have been here for Leonard and not on the _Lexington_ anymore, she finally gave in to the sweet call of sleep, contentedly closing her eyes, lying down right there at McCoy’s feet. Never had anything felt more comfortable than the floor of Leonard’s quarters.


	12. Chapter 12

When Jenny opened her eyes again, she was lying in bed, stripped down to her underwear with her clothes neatly folded on the sideboard, her back comfortably snuggled up against McCoy’s warm body spooning her. With one arm tightly wrapped around her waist, the doctor was fast asleep, letting out a soft snore with every other breath, a sure sign of exhaustion and stimulants wearing off.

Jenny couldn’t help smiling, as she realised how familiar she’d already become with intimate little details like that. She felt a rush of intense affection for the man in whose arms she felt safe and cared for like never before, and was reminded of the first time they’d spent a night together, lying like this, back when they were still only crewmates, way before either of them had admitted to the deep, loving feelings they held for each other.

Fully dressed, on the cold and hard ground of a cave on a mission, this had been the only position to fit them both in the small space, sharing a single mat and a blanket. It had felt a little awkward at first, if also rather exciting, but the moment McCoy’s arm had closed around her, Jenny had known that this was the place she’d always longed to be.

Remembering how she’d wriggled around in the doctor’s arms that night, just to feel the comfort of his body wrapped so protectively around her, his arm reflexively pulling her closer every time she moved, even in his sleep, she started to shift around now, too. And, sure enough, his arm immediately tensed, tightening his hold on her.

 _Is there any place that could feel safer?_ she thought lovingly.

Shifting again and again, she didn’t notice when McCoy’s gentle snoring stopped, and started at the sudden low growl in her ear.

“You’re playing with fire here, young lady,” he murmured, pressing against her, as she felt his hand gradually slide lower down her stomach, finding its way underneath her shirt to her skin, and playing with the elastic waist of her panties.

As always, his hand moved ever so slowly at first, not – just – to tease her, but to give her time to say no or push him away. That had been his way ever since they’d first been intimate with each other, and he still waited for her ‘consent’, as he called it, every single time. Making it very clear that he’d never do anything she didn’t want him to, and would always respect any boundaries she set, was extremely important to him. And one more reason for her to love him like she did.

But, just as always, Jenny was helpless to resist and melted under the doctor’s skilful touch, sighing and moaning her consent, gently guiding his hand even lower. Of course, he knew exactly what he was doing, doubtlessly enjoying this power he had over her. But trusting him completely and knowing that she held the same power over him, she enjoyed it, too. All questions she’d meant to ask first thing when he woke up completely disappeared from her mind, as she gave herself over to the touch of his tender hands, her body craving the pleasures he could give.

* * *

Groaning at the teasing way Hope wiggled against him, certainly one of the best ways to be woken up and exactly what he needed after the horrors of the last two days, McCoy started to work his magic on her delightful body. He loved how responsive she was to every little touch. Feeling her desire grow with every kiss, every caress, even the lightest tap of a finger, was without question the greatest turn-on he’d ever known. A discovery, and, admittedly, quite a revelation, he’d made already in their first night together.

It didn’t take long for her to turn around in his arms, kiss him hungrily, and let her hands work a little of their own magic on his body. She’d certainly got to know him well over the past few weeks, perfectly aware by now where and how he liked to be touched most. Trying and failing to remember a lover who’d been such a perfect fit, he was forever amazed by how they could make each other feel.

And, grateful for this still being an official day off, McCoy let himself be swept away by love and desire, losing all track of time as he completely focused on thanking Hope for everything she’d done for him and Joanna in the most pleasurable ways.

* * *

“How is Joanna?” typically, was the first thing Hope asked, when she’d finally caught her breath again, her voice still thick with the intense emotions of only minutes ago.

“She’s fine,” McCoy answered, touched, his body pleasantly tingling with contentment. “I was even able to talk to her in real time last night. You have no idea how incredible it was to see her well again. To know that she’s out of danger. And all thanks to you.”

He tenderly kissed Hope’s forehead.

“I completely missed that,” she smiled apologetically, “but I’m so happy for you. And I’m really sorry for falling asleep on you! I must have been more exhausted than I was aware of. I don’t even remember going to bed.”

“That’s because you didn’t,” the doctor chuckled, a new wave of tenderness washing over him, as he remembered finding her fast asleep, curled up on the floor after he’d finished his call to _New Oxbridge_ and informed Spock last night.

He’d felt a little guilty, of course, seeing that she’d obviously been too worn out to even drag herself the few steps to bed, but mostly, he’d been grateful for her endless support. If not for her, he might not even have tried to find a solution at all, too caught up as he was in his terror and despair. And he might certainly have died from a broken heart without ever having learned that Joanna was all right, when this incredibly insensitive doctor had led him to believe the worst had happened the night before.

 _And people criticise_ my _bedside manner!_

“You fell asleep right there on the floor,” the doctor smiled fondly at Hope. “I tried to wake you, but you were really out cold. You did help a little when I undressed you, though. I’m sorry, I really should have taken better care of you. I should have insisted on you getting some rest.”

“You certainly had more pressing matters on your mind, Leonard,” she replied soothingly, her eyes full of sympathy. “I’m an adult, I can take care of myself. And no one would have been able to pry me away from you, anyway. After everything you’ve done for me ever since we met, after all the times you were there for me, I’d never have left you in the lurch the first time _you_ actually needed _me_. In fact, I’m so glad I was here, it scares me to think this might have happened while I was still on the _Lexington_.”

“That’s a truly scary thought,” McCoy admitted quietly. “I was never more grateful to have you by my side. I’d have been lost without you.”

Hope reached out a hand to caress his face, her eyes shining with kindness and compassion.

“Joanna and I owe you everything,” the doctor continued, filled with a renewed sense of love and gratitude too big for his heart to contain. “You’ve been nothing short of amazing these last two days and nights. I’ve never known, and certainly never been with a more supportive partner. I’m definitely the luckiest guy in the universe.”

Overwhelmed by his feelings for Hope, he hugged her so tightly to him that she let out a yelp. He quickly loosened his embrace again and pulled back a little to look into her eyes, thrilled to see his deep affection mirrored in them.

“You, Jennifer Hope, have saved my daughter’s life,” he murmured reverently, feeling the need to say it out loud.

“No, you did that,” Hope smiled back. “You, and Spock, and everybody from the lab. I just made coffee.”

McCoy chuckled at that, shaking his head and kissing her nose, just as Hope’s stomach started to rumble at a volume that made them both burst out laughing. And the doctor immediately felt guilty again.

“My God, when’s the last time you’ve eaten?” he asked, looking at her with concern. “You were dishing out snacks to everyone, but knowing you, you completely forgot to have something yourself!”

Hope looked at him sheepishly.

“You might have a point there,” she admitted, “I might actually have forgotten to eat. You know how I don’t really get hungry. Especially, when I’ve got other things on my mind.”

McCoy nodded. He was just the same. Completely forgetting to eat and drink when he was in the middle of a medical emergency. But, at least, his body had more reserves to draw from. Unlike Hope, who barely managed to hold her weight on a regular diet. Now that Joanna was no longer in danger, he’d definitely have to be more mindful of Hope again.

“Let me get us some breakfast,” he suggested, swinging his legs out of bed. “After what we’ve been through, we more than deserve to treat ourselves to a cosy breakfast in bed.”

* * *

Over coffee and a pile of toast and sandwiches, Jenny suggested throwing a party for the lab staff, as a means of saying thank you, and McCoy was all for it.

“That’s a great idea, love,” he agreed. “I’ve already been thinking about how best to thank them.”

“I’m sure Nyota and the boys would love to provide the entertainment, and I’m certain we can rig up something a little more special than standard dishes for food. I’ll be happy to help organise it, but the invitation will of course have to come from you.”

“You always think of everything, don’t you?” McCoy asked fondly.

“I try to,” Jenny answered, “especially where you are concerned.”

After breakfast, or rather lunch, which Jenny had decided to have at the table rather than in bed after all, they snuggled up under the covers again, wanting nothing more than to be close to each other for the rest of the day. Outside McCoy’s quarters, they could hear people returning from shore leave, chatting excitedly, and Jenny could see misplaced guilt crossing McCoy’s face again.

“I’m so sorry to have robbed you of your well-earned shore leave, love,” he murmured, and the genuine regret in his eyes was heart-breaking.

“I’m not,” she replied, feeling a naughty shiver running down her spine. “Apart from there being nothing more restorative than knowing that we don’t have to worry about Joanna and the other patients of _New Oxbridge_ anymore, I can think of the perfect way for you to make it up to me.”

Her heart leapt, seeing his eyes light up and a smile spread across his face at that. And as soon as his lips touched hers, she knew that she was in for an unforgettable afternoon.

* * *

A few days later, with life on the _Enterprise_ back to normal, McCoy and Jenny were having one of their routine late-night coffees on the observation deck. No matter how much they loved spending time alone in the doctor’s quarters, they still treasured their long-standing tradition of ending the day with drinks and conversation.

They talked about the party, which had been a big hit with the lab staff and all their friends, who’d celebrated Joanna’s recovery as if she were their own daughter or sister, thus demonstrating their love and appreciation for the CMO. And although he’d tried hard not to let it show, Jenny knew that McCoy had been deeply touched and genuinely surprised by how much they all cared. She couldn’t understand and was, in fact, saddened by his incredulity whenever people showed they cared for him, thinking he should really know by now. So, she was incredibly grateful for every opportunity to remind him what a special and treasured person he was.

As so often, when they were deep in conversation, they completely lost track of time, and suddenly found themselves all alone on the deserted observation deck. Looking around, McCoy winked at Jenny and grinningly suggested going back to his quarters for some ‘real’ privacy. But before they’d even got up from the couch, they heard a strange humming noise coming from the far side of the deck, as an almost translucent creature that looked like a large, pulsating blob materialised right in front of the huge window.

 _Not even a week going by without new surprises on the Enterprise_ , Jenny thought curiously, just as the intruder alert went off and McCoy, instantly going into full protector mode, quickly stepped in front of her and, roughly grabbing her arm, shoved her tightly behind his back.


	13. Chapter 13

They stood, frozen for a moment, watching the creature slowly turn around until two eyes, that looked like goggles, came into view. McCoy threw a quick glance at the comm on the wall next to the doors, trying to gauge how long it would take him to get there and alert security to the whereabouts of the intruder, but decided to stay put for the moment. Better to keep shielding Hope with his body and wait for the alien to make a move.

After simply staring at them for what seemed like an eternity to McCoy, the creature started to emit low, almost melodic sounds, and the doctor could feel Hope stirring behind him. He tightened his grip on her arm, silently pleading with her to stay motionless, but to his dismay, he felt her squirming free of his hand and slowly moving away from him.

“I wish I had my translator on me,” she whispered as she leisurely stepped around him, quite obviously intending to approach the alien.

“What do you think you’re doing?” McCoy hissed, painfully aware that losing his cool might startle the alien.

“Going to say hello,” she replied softly, taking another cautious step forward.

“Stop right there! Don’t you dare go any closer!” the doctor muttered under his breath, starting to panic.

He wanted nothing more than to reach out and yank her back, but of course knew better than to make any sudden moves.

“But that’s my job,” Hope returned calmly, carefully continuing her approach.

“And that was an order, Lieutenant!” he snapped in desperation, making her stop in her tracks and seeing her back tense, as she was quite clearly weighing her options.

“So, what do you suggest we do, _Doctor_?” she all but growled, not even trying to hide her irritation with him for pulling rank on her.

“Wait for backup,” he was quick to reply.

It was the only sensible thing to do.

“They don’t even know where to look,” Hope sighed. “It could take ages.”

She had a point there, of course.

“Please, Leonard, let me do my job!” she went on, her gaze never leaving the alien.

She didn’t turn around, but he could well picture her imploring eyes. And the worst thing was, that she was right. It _was_ her job. But she was also completely defenceless. They both were. He’d fight with his bare hands, of course, if the alien so much as touched a hair on her head, but he couldn’t be sure that that would be enough to keep her safe.

“Please, let me talk to her,” Hope tried again.

“Her?” McCoy was puzzled.

“Just a hunch,” she said softly. “Intuition is part of my skill set, you know?”

“Mhm,” the doctor acknowledged with a grunt.

“Please, Leonard, let me go,” she persisted. “If she meant us harm, she would already have attacked us. Or killed us. Or absorbed us. Or whatever.”

McCoy sighed. Why was this so hard? His brain told him, of course, that Hope was a capable adult, trained and professional. And damn good at her job, too. Why else would they have promoted her to lieutenant so quickly? But in his heart, she was still this shy girl that had so timidly watched him during her first physical. He just couldn’t help being overprotective. And her slight build, her youth, and her unguarded kindness certainly didn’t help.

“All right, love, go ahead,” he agreed at last. “But, please, be careful.”

“I will,” she murmured, and he could hear the smile in her voice as she cautiously got moving again.

McCoy held his breath, tensing up, ready to pounce at the first sign of danger. He watched Hope slowly approach the creature, one step at a time, until she was almost close enough to touch it. Then she gingerly squatted down, to be at eye level with the goggles, and started a low, humming sing-song. The doctor couldn’t make out any words, but it seemed as if she was singing rather than talking.

With the creature’s gaze now completely fixed on Hope, McCoy saw an opportunity to finally get to the comm and started to inch his way to the doors, his eyes never leaving the alien. He could hear two voices humming now, and if he hadn’t been rigid with fear, seeing Hope so close to this unknown creature, he might have found it soothing. Enjoyable even.

When he’d reached the comm and finally been able to whisper their location to security, Hope turned towards him with sorrowful eyes.

“I think she’s hurt, Leonard,” was all she said, but he could hear the compassion in her voice and instantly knew that she expected him to help.

_Oh, good grief! I have no idea who or what this is! How am I supposed to help?_

Then, to his horror, he saw Hope reach out a hand to touch the alien, and couldn’t suppress a terrified shout of warning. After that, all hell broke loose.

* * *

Startled at the sudden noise, the alien screeched and bounced into Jenny, knocking her off balance and almost burying her underneath its viscous mass. Dismayed, she saw McCoy sprinting over to pull her out, barking a string of expletives at the creature, just as the doors opened to reveal a security team barging in with their phasers drawn.

“Don’t shoot!” Jenny screamed at the top of her lungs, grabbing McCoy’s hand and trying to get out from under the alien as fast as she could.

Luckily, McCoy was between the creature and the security team, standing in their line of fire, thus preventing them from using their phasers, and Jenny, grateful for the extra time, frantically scrambled to her feet and spread her arms protectively out in front of the alien.

“Don’t shoot!” she repeated, more quietly this time. “She’s not hostile, no danger to us. In fact, she’s come here looking for help.”

“And you know that how?” McCoy growled, still breathless from his stunt and audibly furious with Jenny.

“I just do,” she said softly, hoping that the doctor would trust her instincts. “And we’ll soon know far more, if I can get to my translator.”

McCoy looked doubtful, and she could see that he was torn between wanting to believe her and needing to protect her. She was sorry for nearly giving him a heart attack, when she’d stupidly touched the creature. That had been an incredibly careless and unprofessional move. And she was gladly going to listen to any lecture he was no doubt already putting together in his mind later. But right now, she needed him to trust her. He was the superior officer on-site, and the security guards were waiting for his orders.

“She’s in pain, Doctor,” Jenny said emphatically, refraining from using his first name in front of the security men.

It was her best shot. She knew him so well. Friend or foe, if someone was in pain, McCoy would always help.

“All right,” he relented, still wary of the creature, and turned towards the security team. “Phasers on light stun, and don’t shoot unless I tell you to.”

“Thank you,” Jenny whispered, relieved and grateful.

McCoy nodded curtly, quite obviously still angry with her, then told one of the guards to get the captain and Spock here at once.

* * *

Kirk and Spock arrived on the double, and McCoy was immensely relieved to have the captain take over. He had no problem making decisions and being in charge in medical emergencies. But other than that, he was more than happy to leave command to Jim.

“Report, Bones!”

The captain had come to stand beside him, eyes darting around the observation deck, taking everything in and trying to make sense of it.

“This creature just appeared out of nowhere, and Hope seems to have been able to sort of communicate with it. She thinks it’s not hostile and possibly injured, asking for help.”

The doctor was used to Jim’s abrupt manner in such situations and tried to be as brief and concise as possible, too, his heart rate only just slowing down again after the scare Hope had just given him. If the alien didn’t kill her first, he might do it later. Or at least have a very serious talk with her. Or gather her in his arms and never, ever let her go again. This woman was his life, but she was definitely also going to be the death of him.

“Hope?” Kirk addressed the lieutenant, taking a few cautious steps closer.

“She is no danger to us, Captain,” Hope replied, still protecting the alien with her arms spread out.

McCoy could see that the creature had started to shiver. Whether with fear, pain, cold, or even rage, he didn’t know.

“From what I can tell so far, she’s hurt and looking for help,” Hope went on. “But I’d really need my translator to find out details.”

At that, Spock stepped forward, holding out the requested device to her. Of course. Trust Spock to have brought the exactly right thing.

* * *

Several hours – and coffees – later, Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Hope, Uhura, Scotty, and Calmara, the alien, were sitting in the briefing room. Hope had suggested calling her that, since her actual name was impossible for humans to pronounce correctly, and, after finding out that the translucent ‘blob with goggles’ had actually been a spacesuit, they’d discovered that Calmara’s real appearance had strong similarities to a Terran octopus.

After giving Hope some time to establish better communication with the help of the universal translator, which had confirmed her suspicion of the alien being wounded, they’d taken Calmara to sickbay first. And after determining that she was, in fact, a water creature, Scotty had managed to duct-tape a liquid-filled helmet together for her to wear, so that McCoy could get her out of her suit and treat her.

Fortunately, the wound was not much more than a simple scratch, and Calmara had been extremely co-operative and trusting through it all. Looking at her now, gracefully seated at the table with her helmet on, he wondered how he could ever have been scared of her. He’d still have to have that talk with Hope though, later. Friendly and harmless as she was, Calmara was certainly the exception to most of the aliens they usually came across.

Right now, McCoy was comfortably leaning back in his chair next to Hope, listening to Jim and Spock talking to the alien, asking question after question and answering hers, while Hope kept adjusting and improving the translator. How she did that was beyond him. How could you feed a completely new language into a machine within mere minutes? He felt a surge of intense pride. He’d always known how good she was, of course. Her credentials were proof enough. But he’d yet had to actually see her work her magic, and it was impressive.

“This is an easy case,” she whispered, as so often having guessed his thoughts just from looking at his face. “Her language, even though it sounds more like humming than talking, uses actual words. Its grammatical structure is, in fact, very similar to ours.”

McCoy nodded sagely, even though his ears couldn’t detect any similarities at all. He always loved listening to Hope talking about linguistics and could certainly see the appeal of her job, just as she was always eager to hear all about his latest medical findings, despite undoubtedly not understanding all the details.

 _A perfect fit!_ he thought lovingly, and then quickly prised his eyes away from Hope, knowing that he should really focus on the Calmara situation rather than on this amazing woman and their seemingly perfect relationship right now.


	14. Chapter 14

Kirk and his fellow officers were listening raptly, mesmerised as much by Calmara’s story as by her melodic voice, dulled to a hum by the liquid through which she spoke. The better adjusted the universal translator got, the more detailed and clearer her account became.

She was able to point out the planet she came from, which was surprisingly far away, on a star chart Spock drew up on the computer. And from what she told them, using all of her eight arms to gesticulate animatedly, they gathered that her species had only just begun to venture into space recently. Apparently, people on her home world were happy with the way things were, not particularly interested in exploring space, and obviously believing that whatever they might encounter out there, could only be ‘demons’ or ‘demonic’.

That theory seemed to be confirmed, when a meteorite hit the planet not long ago, killing thousands of sentient and non-sentient land creatures, with millions more still dying in the aftermath, unable to find enough food and other recourses in the huge wasteland that was now the better part of one of their two continents.

The ‘space exploring supporters’, as Calmara called the growing group of scientists, on the other hand, had seen the meteorite hit as validation of their endeavours, and had started to push developing their technology when they found the meteorite to be a small rock broken off their own moon, and had discovered that a much larger rock was already starting to come loose, too. They could only imagine what a meteorite of this size would do to their planet, and feared that complete destruction of their home world, or at least the extinction of every life on the planet, was imminent.

When they’d realised that they couldn’t improve their spacecrafts fast enough, let alone come up with a weapons system or other devices powerful enough to destroy or even divert the rock when it finally broke loose, a team of bold individuals had made the desperate decision to head into space, one by one, hoping to somehow find help there. Fully aware that, with their simple and badly equipped spacecrafts, it was most likely going to be a one-way trip, and that they’d probably just run out of fuel and supplies in the middle of nowhere, communication with home having been cut off long before then. But, seeing it as the only, if tiny, chance to save their planet, they’d been prepared to take that risk.

Without the means for long-range communications, Calmara had no idea how her friends had fared, or if her home world even still existed, but was quite aware that she’d been improbably lucky to come across the _Enterprise_ when she had. To be within teleportation range just before her spacecraft had more or less fallen apart.

Teleportation, surprisingly, turned out to be the one thing that Calmara’s people had obviously excelled in developing, their technology quite obviously further advanced than any other known to the federation so far. According to Calmara, it was their preferred means of transportation between oceans, divided by the two huge continents, and the range she was talking about let Scotty’s eyes grow wide with disbelief. No wonder the sensors hadn’t even detected her spacecraft at the time she’d materialised on the observation deck.

* * *

Captivated by her story, and full of admiration for the sacrifice Calmara had made to save her home world, Jenny glanced around the briefing room. And looking at the compassionate faces of her superior officers, she couldn’t help feeling proud of being part of the _Enterprise’s_ crew once again.

Scotty was absolutely smitten by Calmara, fascinated by the incredible teleportation technology, and impatiently asking her to explain it in more detail. Uhura, with her unparalleled knack for languages, was already trying to ‘hum’ simple things to Calmara without the translator’s help, which seemed to please the alien scientist no end. Spock, although trying to keep his face impassive as ever, was quite obviously impressed by Calmara’s calm intellect and demeanour. And Kirk, clearly charmed by her sincere and unafraid manner, was, as always, unreservedly eager to learn all about new worlds and life forms.

Looking at McCoy’s earnest face, Jenny’s heart did a little flip, as she saw him subtly, but repeatedly run his tricorder over Calmara, making sure that she was healing nicely, and monitoring her carefully for any sign of dehydration, with all but her head being exposed to air now. This was the Leonard she loved, mindful and caring, no matter what species.

She could also understand his cautiousness around anything alien, of course. Keeping everyone safe was, after all, as much his job as it was his nature. And thinking about his reaction to her carelessly touching Calmara, she knew she hadn’t heard the end of it yet. But at least, he didn’t seem too annoyed anymore. When he glanced at her, she was happy to see the love and tender affection, she’d come to rely on, in his eyes again.

Somehow, it had even been kind of sweet, if dangerous, when he’d freaked out earlier on the observation deck. Irritating as it certainly was, when he tried to keep her from doing her job out of worry, she had to admit that, in a way, she loved it, too. Starfleet officer or not, she’d probably never get over longing to feel safe and protected. Especially when McCoy was around. It certainly lifted her heart to know that he’d fight tooth and nail whenever she was in danger.

* * *

McCoy tuned out of the conversation, as Jim, Spock and Scotty started discussing tractor and laser beams, as well as all kinds of other technical stuff to use in an attempt to save Calmara’s planet. Instead, he concentrated on the alien’s readings on his tricorder. He was deeply in awe of the delicate creature, who’d so courageously been willing to sacrifice her life to save her species. Hopefully, they’d be able to help. He put all his trust in Jim’s resourcefulness, Spock’s genius, and Scotty’s reputation as ‘the miracle-worker’. It would take the _Enterprise_ about three days to reach Calmara’s home world. That had to be enough time for the captain and his capable crew to come up with a feasible plan. 

When it was time for Calmara to get back into her spacesuit, McCoy and Hope took her back to sickbay and left the others to put their heads together and find a solution. Scotty had used some of the liquid of her suit to fill the make-shift helmet. But having had time to analyse all her biological data on his tricorder, McCoy was now able to produce a bigger, improved quantity of the solution she needed, so that they could replenish her suit, including all the nutrients she required.

Once Calmara was safely sealed in her spacesuit again, McCoy asked Hope to take her to the guest quarters that Scotty’s people had already adapted to her needs, and then come back to his quarters for some much-needed rest and an overdue talk. And although he hadn’t planned on being too hard on her, he found the slightly apprehensive look in her eyes pleasantly satisfying. She might not really get what horror she’d put him through earlier, but was quite obviously aware that she’d done something wrong. Let her be a little worried about what he had to say to her. Maybe that would teach her to be more careful in the future.

But Hope wouldn’t be Hope, of course, if she hadn’t found a way to take the wind out of his sails by the time she joined him in his quarters. Boisterously throwing her arms around his neck and keeping him from talking with a deep kiss the moment she came sweeping in, she then put on her most apologetic voice.

“I’m so, so sorry, Leonard, I know I was being stupid and completely unprofessional, and I’ll never, ever carelessly touch an unknown alien with my bare hands again. Ever. But please don’t be angry with me!”

And seeing her flutter her eyelashes at him, a slow smile spreading across her face, leaving no doubt that she was quite consciously manipulating him, he felt the last of his irritation evaporate.

“Just be a little more considerate of an old man’s heart next time,” he grumbled, taking her in his arms and hugging her tight, like he’d longed to do ever since the observation deck.

 _Nothing better for the soul than holding Hope, reassured that another day has gone by leaving her unharmed_ , he thought minutes later, lying in bed with her snuggled up in his arms, her head resting on his chest.

McCoy had never thought of himself as much of a cuddler, getting irritated if someone took up too much space in bed, not being able to fall asleep and feeling hot and cramped with another body pressed against his. Until Hope.

With her, it was completely different. But then again, everything was. He just couldn’t seem to get enough of her, couldn’t be close enough to her. In fact, he realised, that he’d never fallen asleep more easily or found a more restful sleep than with her delicate body curled up in his arms or spooned into him. It was just so comforting and reassuring to not just know, but feel that she was safe. It certainly had a much more calming and soothing effect on his nerves than any tranquiliser could ever have.

* * *

While Kirk, Spock and Scotty were putting a plan of action together, Jenny and her team used the days it took to get to Calmara’s planet to record all the specifics and characteristics of her language, as well as trying to learn as much about the culture and traditions of her planet. It was the closest Jenny had come to befriending a member of a new species yet, and she found it tremendously exciting.

When they finally came into communication range with _Home World_ – Calmara didn’t have another name for it, it was heart-warming to witness her utter delight at being able to talk to someone from home again, as well as the warm welcome she received from her government. Apparently, they hadn’t heard back from any of the other spacefarers, and had already given up hope, just sitting and waiting for the inevitable to happen when their moon decided to ‘shoot’ the next meteorite at them.

Over the past three days, Kirk had also tried to give Calmara a good idea of the area of space that had already been explored. He’d told her about the Federation of Planets, too, explaining what it was all about. The alien had listened attentively to everything he’d said, trying to process all this new information, and was convinced that the _Home World_ government would be interested in joining. As long as they could save the planet and show the people that there was also ‘a lot of good’ out there in space, of course.

So, as soon as the _Enterprise_ had assumed orbit around _Home World_ , a meeting with the council and the leading scientists of the space agency was set up, and Scotty got busy converting their protection suits into diving suits for the event.


	15. Chapter 15

Although he wasn’t eager to go diving, McCoy didn’t complain. He was always grateful to be included in a landing party with Hope, no matter how much he might dislike the actual mission. Everything was better than having to stay aboard, where he would just wait and worry. If he’d thought being worried sick about her far away, on the _Lexington_ , for six months had been tough, he’d quickly learned that having her close and still not being able to be with her and protect her at all times was even worse.

Of course, he realised that he’d have to come to terms with her being a fully-fledged Starfleet officer eventually. He couldn’t play bodyguard forever, and he knew that she certainly didn’t need him to. The doctor was quite aware that sticking close to her was more for his own benefit than hers. But letting go had never been his forte. He’d start working on it after this mission.

“You don’t like diving?” Hope asked, throwing him a pitying glance, as they were both struggling into their converted protection suits, helping each other close and seal them.

“I don’t feel comfortable with all this water around me,” McCoy grumbled, “knowing I’ll only be able to breathe as long as there’s oxygen in this suit and helmet, and the equipment remains undamaged. Just like I’d rather not think too hard about the vastness of space surrounding us here on the _Enterprise_.”

Hope chuckled softly at that, and he felt immediately better just hearing the affection in that sound.

“Perfect career choice then,” she grinned and, of course, knowing exactly what he needed to hear, added “I’m still glad you’re coming, though. I always feel safer when you’re around.”

McCoy wrapped his arms around her waist and indulged in one last, tender kiss, before grabbing his medikit and their helmets, and steering her out of his quarters. It was little things like these, a teasing chuckle, a comforting touch, a hurried kiss before a mission, that he enjoyed so much about their relationship. Easy and affectionate. He was most definitely a very lucky man, and he knew it. Even though he still often found it hard to believe that he was so truly loved, despite, or even because of just being himself.

“How do you manage to look so gorgeous, even in this bulky suit?” he grinned, as they made their way through the corridors.

“You sure know how to flatter a girl,” she laughed self-effacingly, giving his arm a gentle nudge.

 _But you really do_ , he thought fondly, soaking up her carefree cheerfulness, and wondering for the umpteenth time how a stunning woman like her could be so oblivious of her own beauty.

“Probably a good thing we’re wearing these, though,” the doctor whispered as they arrived at the transporter room, indicating their suits and giving her a naughty wink. “Easier for me to keep my hands off you and keep people guessing as to how close we really are.”

They didn’t see Spock raising an indulgent eyebrow at the other side of the transporter room.

 _Why do humans constantly forget about my Vulcan hearing?_ he thought, (definitely not) amused. _Especially when they keep bringing up my ears and teasing me about their shape at every opportunity?_

* * *

Jenny watched McCoy pull on his helmet with a scowl on his face, that he probably wasn’t even aware of, and had to smile to herself. The longer she knew the doctor, the more things she found him to feel uneasy about or even afraid of. And yet, he was probably the bravest man she’d ever known.

The truly admirable thing about him was that all his fears never stopped him from facing danger, real or just imagined, to do his duty and help his friends or patients, no matter how much he might grumble about it.

He was such a worrier, always expecting things to go wrong. Which, of course, they often did, she had to admit. And having been a Starfleet physician for so many years, he’d surely experienced horrors in his time, that she couldn’t even begin imagine.

Scotty, as a matter of fact, wasn’t much less of a worrier, albeit mostly about different things, and it had only taken a few of McCoy’s well phrased implications for him to decline Calmara’s kind offer of beaming down by means of her people’s teleportation system.

Since the chief of engineering didn’t quite trust their own transporter to take them this far underwater unharmed, either, Kirk and _Home World’s_ president had agreed on them beaming to the surface near the coastline, where they’d be met by an underwater shuttle to take them to the capital, where the government was seated.

* * *

They materialised on a beautiful beach, immediately reminding Jenny of her amazing shore leave with the doctor, right before she’d had to transfer to the _Lexington_. And, judging from the brief glance he threw her, the sparkle in his eyes even visible through the visor of his helmet, McCoy must have had a similar thought.

The short underwater trip in a shuttle that seemed to be made entirely of glass was breathtaking, and Jenny was glad to see even McCoy enjoying himself. Completely enthralled by the colourful beauty of sea life, he’d unconsciously moved towards her, coming to stand close behind her. He clearly needed to share this unique experience with her, and Jenny was sorely tempted to just lean into him.

But they hadn’t made their relationship official yet, and when the doctor, obviously realising the same thing, abruptly stopped his arms from wrapping around her waist, simply resting a coy hand on her shoulder instead, she didn’t quite know whether to feel relieved or disappointed.

Jenny’s thoughts were quickly diverted, however, when they arrived in the capital, a city formed by rounded buildings made of every shade of bright, colourful glass, as far as the eye could see. It was one of the most aesthetically appealing things she’d ever seen.

The welcome they received from the president as well as a dozen government and space agency representatives on their arrival, was exceptionally warm and cordial, and Jenny couldn’t help but think how wonderful it would be, if all alien encounters were like this.

The landing party, consisting of Kirk, Spock, Scotty, McCoy, and Jenny, was formally introduced by Calmara, who seemed to be very proud of both her beautiful world and her achievement of bringing back help from outer space. It was strange, Jenny thought, to see Calmara in all her delicate beauty, her big, expressive eyes and her wide friendly smile standing out most, while she and the rest of her colleagues were now swathed in the bulky material of their protection suits.

They were led to a large chamber furnished with a long glass table and stools that proved to be equally comfortable for the _Home Worlders_ and their guests. At least in Jenny’s opinion. She’d always been fond of water, swimming and diving for as long as she could remember, and found herself enjoying the effortlessness of floating in this picturesque underwater world immensely. If it weren’t for the uncomfortable helmet and her need to breathe oxygen, she could easily imagine staying longer.

So could the captain, she concluded, watching Kirk cheerfully twirl around and even do a little somersault before attempting to sit down, while McCoy and Scotty struggled to hook their feet around the stools’ legs, desperately trying to sit still and not float off again. Spock, as always, was the first to sit perfectly straight, seemingly unperturbed by the current.

After a brief introduction, Kirk first, then the president outlining their respective cultures, the conference quickly moved on to the central topic, time undisputedly being of the essence. Leaving all things technical to the others, Jenny concentrated on adjusting the translator if necessary, and took some time to assess all the representatives at the table.

Like Calmara, they seemed a pretty friendly, easy-going and openminded bunch, clearly inclined to put their trust in their new alien acquaintances. All but one, who kept glaring at them suspiciously, quite obviously not an advocate of the space exploring programme, but rather representing the opposition instead. The underwater equivalent of a certain ship’s CMO, Jenny thought fondly, almost laughing out loud at the eerily familiar frown on this alien’s face. The disapproving representative was friendly enough, however, assuring Kirk as much as his own president that the ever-declining group of objectors was completely under control and could easily be handled.

* * *

As the captain, Spock and Scotty discussed the technical details of their plan to save _Home World_ from another meteorite hit with the representatives, McCoy looked around the table and found that he really liked Calmara’s people. They were a pleasant change from so many other aliens he’d already encountered in his time. Even the one who clearly wasn’t happy with aliens meddling in his planet’s affairs seemed amicable enough, conceding that the objectors might be traditionalists, but were definitely not stupid and understood the urgency of the meteorite issue.

The negotiations at the table had moved on to the exchange of technological know-how, more precisely the Federation’s help with the meteorite situation for _Home World’s_ teleportation technology, and McCoy’s gaze fell on Hope, gracefully floating on her stool, engrossed in adjusting the translator and charming the hell out of the alien government. No matter what she wore or did, she was a delight to look at and listen to. Between her and Jim, they could sweet-talk whole planets into most anything they wanted with such seeming ease, it almost made him jealous.

The atmosphere was light and the negotiations were coming along nicely. Everything seemed to be perfect. There was only one thing bothering McCoy. It all went just a tad too smoothly, and it made the doctor uneasy. His experience had taught him that wherever there was light, there was also darkness. And as much as he hoped to be wrong, he couldn’t shake a certain sense of foreboding.


	16. Chapter 16

As the meeting progressed, Jenny saw more and more _Home Worlders_ gathering outside, curiously peering in through the glass, and sensed Calmara at her side getting a little uneasy.

“Should we be worried about the growing crowd outside?” she asked the president, who, in turn, looked at _The Objector_ , as Jenny secretly thought of him, since pronouncing any of the _Home Worlders’_ names was still impossible for her.

Raising the equivalent of an eyebrow, the president silently passed the question on to her colleague.

“No, it’s only a peaceful “beware-of-space-demons’ protest,” _The Objector_ confidently shook his head. “I told you, everything’s under control. They just want to have a closer look at the aliens, that’s all.”

“Do they have a spokesperson or something like that?” Kirk wanted to know. “Why don’t we invite them in and talk to them? Answer any questions, dispel any doubts they might have?”

“That would be wonderful!” the president enthused, and _The Objector_ nodded in agreement. “You wouldn’t mind?”

“Not at all,” the captain smiled. “We’d like to meet them.”

 _The Objector_ swiftly swam outside, briefly talked to someone in the crowd, and then returned with two rather grim looking males. The way to tell males and females of the species apart, Jenny had discovered, was not by size or features, but by colour. Whereas Calmara and the other females had a slightly purplish hue, the males had a tint to them that ranged from grey to green.

The two males hadn’t said anything yet, but the way they looked around the table seemed rather hostile, despite _The Objector’s_ assurances to the contrary. They were glaring at Calmara particularly, as if she’d actually brought the devil home, and Jenny smiled to see McCoy, who was seated on Calmara’s other side, protectively move closer to her. So very typical of him. Once you were in his good books, the doctor would unfailingly watch over you.

Not allowing the friendly atmosphere of the meeting to dissipate, Kirk floated over to the newcomers, approaching them with open arms, palms upturned in a deliberately non-hostile manner, and motioned for them to join the meeting at the table. After exchanging a few words, so low the translator didn’t pick up on them, the two hesitatingly took the empty seats next to Spock.

Waiting for the president to make the introductions, the captain then launched into an abridged version of the speech he’d given Calmara aboard the _Enterprise_. The two newcomers seemed to gradually relax, obviously finding the aliens sufficiently non-demonic, and listened attentively when Kirk, with Spock and Scotty’s help, started to explain how they intended to save _Home World_ from the impending meteorite hit.

By the time the Starfleet officers were running low on oxygen and had to get back to the ship, Jenny felt that the captain had managed to instil a certain level of trust even into the objectors. Kirk had this special brand of charm that made people of all species like and trust him – well, except for the Klingons, maybe – and she admired him for it. More than once, she’d even seen Spock throw him an approving, almost fond glance, and she observed the captain closely, whenever she had the chance to see him in action, trying to learn as much from him as she could. Like probably every other young officer on the _Enterprise_ , one day, she wanted to be just like him.

* * *

McCoy couldn’t help himself. He’d been a little apprehensive throughout the meeting, and highly doubted that Jim had really won the objectors over with his outgoing personality and detailed explanations. So, even though everybody’s words of farewell had been very cordial, the doctor found himself relieved to be back on the _Enterprise_ , at a safe distance from the objectors. Especially since, out of the corner of his eye, he believed to have seen some rather threatening gestures coming from the crowd, when they’d got back in the shuttle. Clearly, still not everybody was happy accepting help from aliens.

The first thing to do after stepping out of the uncomfortable and hot space/diving suit was to take a shower. In McCoy’s case, just to save time, of course, that meant taking a shower together with Hope, and he loved it. To leave everything behind and simply enjoy the feeling of her skin against his, if only for a couple of minutes, was hugely restorative. He certainly wouldn’t have minded a little more time to themselves, but Jim needed Hope to monitor communications with _Home World_ , while Spock and Scotty got to work, putting their plan regarding the meteorite into action. And for Hope, just like for him, duty always came first.

So the doctor contented himself with tenderly running his hands over Hope’s delightful body, routinely checking the by now barely visible scar on her back, gently tracing it with his fingers while indulging in a deep kiss. He loved how familiar they’d become with each other, and yet couldn’t imagine ever losing that feeling of excitement at being so close to her, no matter how intimately they knew each other. Being with her was this unique blend of incredibly exciting and unbelievably soothing. Amazingly, both at once.

By the time they stepped out of the shower, McCoy felt so relaxed that his earlier sense of foreboding had completely evaporated, and he was quite convinced that, for once, everything was going to be all right. Watching Hope briskly get dressed and then sweep out of his quarters with another brief kiss and a beaming smile full of promises for later, his whole body was tingling with love and happiness. And taking his time to get dressed himself, he flopped down on his bed and let a feeling of warmth engulf him, as it hit him once again how much his life had changed since Hope’s return to the _Enterprise_.

Even though, at times, they barely saw each other, just knowing that she was there, sneaking in a tender kiss or a few words of encouragement, was enough. Who’d have thought that being in a relationship could be so empowering, and so pleasant. Not suffocating or depressing at all. Of course, he could easily do without all the scares and worrying she put him through. But then, she had to do her job. Just like Jim and Spock did, both of whom he held personally accountable for almost every single grey hair on his head, long before Hope had appeared on the scene.

And he, too, had to do his job, which, ironically, was to worry. Besides taking care of everyone. And, more often than he cared to think about, that involved him getting into dangerous situations as well. Come to think of it, Hope seemed to have accepted that fact without complaint. Maybe it was her sweet, utter trust in his abilities as a doctor, that kept her from being concerned for him. Or maybe she _did_ get scared, but was just better at not letting it show. Whatever, he was incredibly grateful to have her in his life. End of story.

 _You’re one lucky bastard_ , he grinned at his reflexion, as he slipped on a clean medic tunic and quickly combed his hair in front of the mirror.

And he _was_. He was well aware of that. In Hope, he’d probably found the one woman in the whole universe who’d happily put up with him.

 _‘Happily’ being the operative word here,_ he chuckled to himself, because that was certainly the most prominent difference, setting Hope apart from everyone he’d been with before.

He had a gazillion flaws, and that was just counting the ones he knew of, constant worrying and a proneness to being overprotective ranking way up high among them. But stifling as she might often find his tendency to overdo it, Hope certainly loved him enough to put up with it. Besides, due to her past and circumstances, he knew that deep down, despite being the strong and capable Starfleet officer she was, Hope enjoyed, even craved being protected and cared for.

Making his way towards sickbay, looking at the familiar surroundings of what had been his home for years, it struck him that, before he’d met Hope, he hadn’t even realised how lonely he was. He just hadn’t known any different, feeling content with his life, glad to have escaped the hell that his marriage had turned out to be, saddened only by being deprived of a life with Joanna, of seeing her grow up.

Now, he couldn’t imagine a life without Hope anymore. Even if they couldn’t always be together, if their careers separated them again, she’d always be with him in his heart. He’d do everything in his power to make – and keep – her happy, and, strangely enough, that didn’t feel like ‘having to work for it’ at all. He’d really have to stop worrying about things going wrong and just have faith in the strength of their love.

* * *

Meanwhile, oblivious to all the loving thoughts coming her way, Jenny was busy keeping up with communicating the procedures currently going on on the _Enterprise_ to _Home World_.

Spock was calmly making calculation after calculation, while Sulu and Chekov had ample opportunity to prove their respective navigational and aiming skills, and Scotty, decidedly less calmly, was running back and forth between the bridge and engineering, more or less constantly on the brink of a heart attack. All the while Kirk was sitting in his command chair, closely watching the screen and attentively listening to his crew, trying to stay on top of things, as laser and tractor beams worked in tandem to sever the loose piece of rock from the rest of _Home World’s_ moon and send it on its way to outer space.

A cheer went around the bridge, when the mission had been accomplished, and Jenny smiled at hearing similar sounds coming through Uhura’s open channel from _Home World_. The president expressed her sincere gratitude on behalf of her planet, and invited the captain and his officers back to the capital to celebrate and start on more detailed negotiations regarding their potentially joining the Federation.

Since none of the landing party had suffered any ill-effects during their first visit to the underwater world, there was no need for McCoy to join them this time, and Jenny could only imagine his relief at not having to force himself into his diving gear again. Judging from the cheerful smile on his face as he waved them off in the transporter room, he didn’t even seem uneasy with letting her go on her own anymore, which Jenny noted with a pleased smile.

 _Progress!_ she thought fondly, as the transporter room of the _Enterprise_ faded around her.

* * *

The city looked even more beautiful this time, festively decorated with a million multi-coloured lights, the joy and relief everyone felt almost tangible. There was a big parade in honour of the _Enterprise_ crew, and singing and dancing throughout the capital, as well as probably every other settlement on the planet.

After the festivities, the president guided them back into the grand chamber for another meeting. A whole team of engineers was already waiting there for Scotty, to share everything about their teleportation system, and Jenny could see the chief’s beaming smile even through his helmet. Scotty was most definitely in engineering heaven.

At the other end of the long table, the president had gathered some of the representatives from their first visit, and asked Kirk and Spock to explain the conditions and procedures of joining the Federation, eager to learn more about the individual members of this alliance, and readily agreeing to welcome a delegation of diplomats at the soonest possible date.

Since the translators didn’t need a lot of adjustment anymore, Jenny could finally enjoy some not disaster-related conversation with Calmara, happy to find out as much as possible about this new world and its inhabitants. By the time the meeting came to an end, she genuinely felt she’d made a new friend, and was looking forward to staying in touch with this brave and interesting alien.

This time, the president opted to come with them in the shuttle, deeming it only right to give their saviours a befitting farewell. So she, Calmara, _The Objector_ – which he really wasn’t anymore, and one of ‘Scotty’s engineers’ accompanied the Starfleet officers to the shore, even slipping on spacesuits to see them off on dry land. 

Jenny and the others had already taken their beam-up positions, and Kirk was just saying a few final words of thanks for the _Home Worlders’_ hospitality, when another spacesuit-clad alien tore out of the water, seemingly appearing out of nowhere.

He was screaming something that the translator interpreted as, “Demons! Go back to where you came from!” and pointing some sort of weapon at the landing party.

Through her shock at the sudden turn of events, Jenny heard Kirk give a hurried command for immediate beam-up, and the last thing she saw before the transporter beam took her away, was the horrible sight of Calmara throwing herself in the line of fire, and dark blue blood starting to spread inside her spacesuit as she crumbled to the ground.


	17. Chapter 17

McCoy was waiting in the transporter room with a smile on his face. Whenever he could get away from sickbay, he liked to be there when a landing party returned, if for no other reason than to make sure everybody was safe. He’d made a habit of it even before Hope had come aboard the _Enterprise_. And, alas, more often than not, he was needed there anyway, as it seemed that there was always something or other going wrong on away missions.

When he heard Kirk suddenly demand an emergency beam-up, his happy smile gave way to a terrified frown, and he hurried to stand right in front of the transporter platform, his heart pounding like mad, not knowing what to expect and scared half to death of what he might be faced with, once they materialised.

To his relief, they all were uninjured, and Kirk, Spock and Scott stepped off the platform instantly, ripping off their helmets. But Hope stayed on her pad, eyes wide with horror, visible even through the visor, demanding to be beamed back down at once.

“We need to go back!” she screeched almost hysterically, her voice unusually high-pitched and tinny through the mic of her helmet. “You need to come, too, Doctor! You need to save her!”

“Who?” McCoy asked, reaching for her and trying not to show his alarm.

“Calmara! He shot her! Please, we need to go back! Now!” she cried, and was interrupted by Jim’s stern voice before the doctor could get hold of her arms, which she kept waving around frantically.

“Get a grip, Hope!” the captain commanded. “We’ve just been attacked. We can’t just beam back down without knowing what’s going on. Spock?”

Kirk turned towards his first officer, who was already at the wall comm, requesting Uhura to contact _Home World_ and find the president immediately.

Hope froze at the captain’s sharp tone, and McCoy could see that she was trying hard to pull herself together. Stepping to her side, he gently removed her helmet and guided her off the platform, while trying to process what he’d just heard, looking to Kirk and Scotty for an explanation.

Uhura’s voice sounded from the comm, announcing that she’d located the president.

“Captain,” the president’s voice came on, “are you all right? I don’t know what to say, I can’t apologise enough.”

“We’re unharmed,” Jim assured her, then enquired about Calmara. “We have Dr. McCoy standing by, should we send him down to help?”

“No, thank you,” the president replied, sounding dejected even through the translator. “We’ve had her teleported to a hospital straight away, but she’s lost so much blood, they’re not expecting her to pull through.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” Kirk said, his voice sorrowful, and McCoy heard Hope stifling a sob and quickly sat her down on the step of the platform. “She’s just saved our lives.”

Finally putting the pieces of what had transpired together, the doctor sat down beside Hope and pulled her into his arms. In getting herself nearly killed, Calmara had obviously saved Jenny and the others. Spock’s expression was unreadable, even more of an emotionless mask than usual, which, in itself, was an indication. But Scotty, his face pale and unbelieving, seemed to be close to tears.

“The attacker killed himself the moment he realised what he had done,” the president continued, “so we don’t know yet where he came from and if he was part of an organisation. But we assure you that finding the answers is currently our top priority.”

McCoy ran his fingers soothingly through Hope’s matted hair, as she rested her head on his chest, not caring who saw them, simply needing to be there for her and comfort her. She’d gone completely quiet, tightly huddling against him. But when the president informed Jim that she’d just received news of Calmara’s death, Hope started to shake violently, silent tears running down her face and soaking the doctor’s shirt.

After Kirk had ended his conversation with the president, he glanced questioningly at McCoy. And when the doctor nodded, silently communicating to leave them alone, the captain made for the door, ordering everyone to come with him and give them the room.

McCoy felt deeply saddened by this admirable alien’s death, too, and for a long time, they just sat in silence. There was a lot he could and would tell Hope, but right now she wasn’t receptive to any of it. So the doctor just held her, gently rocking her in his arms.

She’d become quite attached to Calmara, he’d already seen it when the alien was still aboard. Hope was like that. She had such a big heart, and he loved her for it. But as a consequence, the loss was especially hard on her. Aggravated, of course, by survivor’s guilt. They would talk later. A lot. But now she needed a little time to grieve alone.

Sitting there on the step, tenderly cradling Hope in his arms, McCoy thought he’d lost count of the times he’d held her like that.

 _What is it about us, that we seem to find ourselves in situations like this one all the time?_ he mused.

And not just him comforting her, either. Only a week or two ago, it had been him falling apart in her arms over Joanna, eternally grateful to have her to lean on. And he fondly remembered the first time she’d held him, after he’d lost a patient on a rescue mission, long before they’d become more than friends or even colleagues.

As CMO, he’d been used to taking care of everyone else, a rather lonely position with only Jim and sometimes Scotty or Spock for moral support, and to talk things through to find closure afterwards. And even then, it had mostly been him giving that moral support. So, having someone actually see what he was going through, and just hold him, without judging or uttering platitudes, had been a new and almost magical experience for him. He’d drawn immense comfort from her touch.

Now it was his turn to comfort her again, and he was glad that she let him. He knew only too well how people in pain often tended to lash out and push everyone away. Not Hope, though. She’d always allowed him to be close to her, when she was upset. And he considered it a privilege. Cheerful and positive as she liked to present herself to the world, and which she usually was, she could be inconsolable at times. Good or bad, she was a person who felt deeply. They both were.

When McCoy felt that Hope had run out of tears, he gently released her.

“Let’s get you in the shower, love,” he smiled, getting up and pulling her to her feet.

“Smell that bad?” she chuckled weakly, as she followed him to the door, and his heart melted at her attempt to cheer up for him.

* * *

Jenny knew she was behaving painfully unprofessional, but was feeling too numb to do anything about it. Leonard understood. She was immensely grateful for his quiet, gentle support. Without any further words, he steered her to his quarters, helped her out of her suit and left her to it in the shower.

She had no idea how long she’d just stood there, the scene of Calmara throwing herself between them and their attacker on auto-replay in her mind. What had she been thinking? Why had she done that? And what, if she hadn’t?

It was only when she heard the rustling of clothes being discarded followed by the feeling of strong arms wrapping around her, that she realised how cold she’d become. With a sigh she leaned back into McCoy’s warm embrace and enjoyed the feeling of hot water streaming down her skin, as he switched from sonic to water, a rare treat.

Closing her eyes and humming with pleasure, she let him lovingly soap her up, gently wash her hair with shampoo and finally rinse her off, before wrapping her in a soft towel. He’d never done that before, but the tenderness of it soothed her mind and helped her dispel the numbness.

Taking a deep breath, she thanked him with a gentle kiss, then towelled herself off and padded back into the bedroom. Following her out of the bathroom, McCoy made a beeline for the bed, and moments later, Jenny found herself snuggled up against his warm body under the blanket.

“She gave her life for me, Leonard,” she whispered, her first words since leaving the transporter room. “How can I ever get over that?”

“By honouring her sacrifice,” McCoy replied softly. “By being grateful and happy to be alive.”

“How could I be happy, knowing that I’m alive because someone else died?” Jenny cried, propping herself up on one elbow to look at him, outraged by the suggestion, then quickly relenting, when she saw the realisation of how close he’d come to lose her register on his face.

“I’m sorry, love,” he smiled sadly. “I, for one, am eternally grateful to Calmara for saving your life. But I understand, of course, that you don’t feel the same. Not now. Not yet.”

“You don’t understand! You haven’t been there!”

She was sorry the moment the words were out. She didn’t mean to be angry with him. He was not to blame, and he’d been nothing but understanding since they’d beamed back aboard. But there was so much anger inside her that needed to vent. And Leonard, dear, kind Leonard, understood.

“I don’t need to have been there to know what you’re going through,” he said softly, tenderly brushing tendrils of her still damp hair out of her face. “But you need to accept that she made a conscious choice. You’ve saved her life, too. When she first teleported onto the observation deck.”

“But I can’t believe she chose to die,” Jenny replied stubbornly. “Maybe she didn’t think he’d shoot her. Maybe it all happened too fast for him to realise who she was.”

“There’s always a risk, and she took it willingly,” McCoy sighed, pulling her back into his arms. “What you should do is grant her the dignity of this last sacrifice.”

* * *

Holding her tight and gently running his fingers up and down her back, McCoy could feel Hope gradually relax into his embrace, as she was considering his words.

“She was special,” he added after a while.

“Do you know how old she was?” Hope asked quietly, and it sounded like an accusation. “Or anything about her family, or her favourite things?” 

“No, I don’t,” he admitted quietly.

“You say she was special, yet you don’t know anything about her. Next you’ll tell me she was just a stranger,” Hope trailed off, her voice choked with new tears.

“I wasn’t going to,” he began, but fell silent when another crying fit took hold of her, and just hugged her tight and kissed her hair and forehead.

“It’s not your fault, Jenny,” he said firmly, when she’d calmed down again. “Yes, she did it for you, as well as for Jim, Spock, and Scotty. But understand that she’d accepted death long before then. When she’d got on that little spacecraft of hers, knowing she was never going to return home. She was lucky to be rescued by us. By _you_. And she was immensely grateful and proud to have saved her home world, too. That’s what you gave her.”

Hope lifted her head to look at him, and he could see his words sinking in. But survivor’s guilt would take longer to overcome. Especially for someone as caring and selfless as her. They’d have to work on that. And he’d have to talk to Jim, Spock and Scotty, too.

“But it’s still not fair,” she murmured after a few moments. “Calmara should have been allowed to enjoy her accomplishment longer. To be celebrated as the heroine she was.”

“She’ll always be remembered as the saviour of her planet, of _Home World_ ,” McCoy assured her.

But when Hope rested her head back on his chest, her body starting to shake with quiet sobs all over again, he made up his mind to tell her something he hadn’t actually intended to, thinking it wasn’t his place to tell.

“There’s something else you should know, love,” he said, pausing a little until he was sure to have her attention. “Something I discovered when I first tended to Calmara, and which she told me and Scotty, when we worked on her helmet and on reproducing the liquid she needed.”

“And what was that?” Hope sniffled, nestling closer into the crook of his arm.

“She wouldn’t have lived very much longer, anyway. She had a terminal illness, something akin to blood cancer in humans. One of the reasons she volunteered to go on that suicide mission in the first place. And also the reason she lost blood so quickly, when injured. We were lucky that her wound, when she first came aboard, was little more than a scratch, or I wouldn’t have been able to fix it.”

“Blood cancer,” Hope murmured, dumbfounded. “Just what I had. The universe really has a strange sense of humour. Do you still believe in coincidence, Leonard?”

“Not sure I do, love,” McCoy replied softly, soothingly rubbing her back and caressing her face, wiping away the last of her tears, as she slowly drifted off to sleep, the events of the past few days finally taking their toll.

 _Just like I’m not sure I believe in your ever having had blood cancer at all,_ was his last conscious thought before he, too, dozed off. Too tired to ponder the issue that had been bothering him ever since Hope had told him about her past, and surely would continue to do so, until he found a satisfying answer.


	18. Chapter 18

Jenny woke up in the almost dark. Safely ensconced in McCoy’s arms, she still felt somewhat anxious. About what, she wasn’t sure. But the feeling was familiar. Maybe it was just the aftereffects of a bad dream. She seemed to have a lot of them ever since waking up in this century, never quite able to remember what they were about, but leaving a sense of anxiety nevertheless. Although, after what had happened the day before, having bad dreams was probably not out of the ordinary. And considering how many scary missions she’d been on since joining Starfleet, dealing with things in dreams was probably something most Starfleet officers experienced. Maybe she’d ask Leonard about it sometime. Or maybe not.

Knowing that she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep anytime soon, Jenny slowly and carefully disentangled herself from McCoy’s embrace, got up to get a glass of water, and then settled down on the edge of the bed, silently looking at the sleeping doctor’s features. She couldn’t think of anything more beautiful than this beloved face or their relationship. He was always there for her, always looking out for her. Had, in fact, been looking out for her since the very day they’d met. Just thinking about the way he cared filled her heart with love and a sense of security that really shouldn’t leave any room for anxiety.

She was so lucky to have him in her life, their bond growing stronger with every day. Sometimes it felt as if he’d saved her from a profound loneliness, which was weird, really, given that she’d never led a lonely life. Her parents had been lovely people, and she’d always had friends, now as well as then. And yet, McCoy’s kindness and caring, the warmth and tenderness he showed her, seemed to quench an aching need, some deep-rooted yearning inside her. As if she’d finally found water after ages of dragging herself through a desert.

Trying to shake those strange thoughts, the kind you only ever seem to have in the middle of the night, Jenny finally lay back down and slid under the blanket, careful not to wake the doctor. And relishing the comforting warmth he radiated, his soft breath caressing her hair, she went back to sleep in no time.

* * *

Feeling her shifting around, McCoy opened a sleepy eye to check on Hope, as he had several times already that night. She was usually blessed with deep and uninterrupted sleep, but after yesterday’s traumatic events, she was understandably restless, moaning and talking in her dreams, although mainly babbling in what might or might not be some ancient version of German.

Wrapping his arm around her and caressing her cheek soothingly, he wished he could just take away her pain. But grief was a process she had to go through. There was no pill or hypo to cure it, only time would help. And talking about it. At least that was something he could help her with.

As he’d expected, she tried to pretend everything was all right the next morning, and he played along, letting her believe he bought her act. She had to do her job, face her colleagues, after all. And if she found pretending to be okay the easiest way to get through the day, he’d encourage that. They could talk some more in the evening, when it was just the two of them again.

Hope was the most positive, optimistic person he’d ever met. She always tried to see the best in people and in every situation. But sometimes, even she reached her limits, and although he was confident that she’d revert to her old self with time, he saw it as his job to help her get there sooner rather than later.

At lunchtime, McCoy met Hope and two of her colleagues in the mess and thought she was really convincing in her cheerfulness. It was only when Kirk joined them with news of their attacker, that the doctor caught another glimpse of her inner pain.

Apparently, the attacker had been a member of an opposing group, and hadn’t been able to deal with the fact that all other members had made a 180° turn after the _Enterprise_ had saved the planet. Kirk was inclined to believe that, since the president, and the _Home Worlders_ in general, had made a very sincere impression. But of course, everything regarding their potential joining the Federation was up to the diplomats.

* * *

The next couple of weeks on the _Enterprise_ were very quiet. No incidents, no spontaneous missions. Plenty of time for dancing, band practice and combat training after hours. Jenny should really have been enjoying it, but for some reason her heart was not quite in it. A fact that others, apparently, picked up on, too.

McCoy was being extra gentle with her, and she noticed that far fewer of her crewmates than usual had come to her for advice or an open ear since _Home World_. They were either being considerate, or her listening skills were a little off. And while Hikaru and Pavel contented themselves with throwing her worried glances, Nyota kept pestering her all the time, wanting to know what was ailing her. She understood, of course, that Jenny was upset about Calmara’s death – they all were, but didn’t quite see why this particular experience seemed to affect her so much more than some of the other things that Jenny had already been through.

And the truth was, neither did Jenny. McCoy was giving her massages to die for every other night, clearly hoping to cajole her into talking about what was bothering her. And she really wanted to, she just genuinely didn’t know what to tell him. Yes, she’d grown quite fond of Calmara over the few days she’d known her, but they hadn’t become _that_ close. Yes, seeing her getting shot had been terrible, but she’d seen people die before. And yes, knowing that she’d died so that Jenny could live made her feel guilty, but Kirk, Spock and Scotty were in the same boat, and McCoy was helping them all get to terms with it.

No, there had to be more to the dull pain, the simmering anxiety than that. It was as if the episode had somehow triggered a memory. Only, she had no idea what that might be. It was more than frustrating. A bit like when you wake up and want to hold on to a dream, but it fades the moment you try to remember it.

And it wasn’t the first time, she’d experienced something like this, either. She’d had strange moments of déjà vu before. Most recently when, during Joanna’s illness, she’d truly felt a parent’s terror. Until Christine had not so gently reminded her that she wasn’t a parent, and Jenny had attributed the feeling to her love and empathy for Leonard.

She wondered, if this might be a sign of PTSD. Or maybe she was simply going mad. Her brain had been kept in stasis for three centuries, after all. But there was no way she was bothering McCoy with this, as long as it was nothing more than a vague feeling. He worried enough about her as it was. She’d just have to work a little on her positive vibrations and attitude. Take more time for yoga, find her inner balance again. That had always worked for her before. She’d talk some more about Calmara to Leonard, to help her put her death behind her, and then she’d go back to normal. Feeling low for no particular reason was just not in her make-up.

* * *

Hope was making uncharacteristically slow progress, and McCoy was getting really worried. He’d tried subterfuge to coax her into confiding in him, but it almost seemed as if she really didn’t have a clue of what was wrong with her. Seeing her trying so hard to not only seem but truly feel happy again, he’d even secretly run a tricorder over her when she was asleep, to find out if there was any physical problem he might have overlooked. But nothing. Nada. Rien. Nichts. The doctor was getting a little desperate.

Then Kirk announced some good news, and Hope really perked up after that. The _Enterprise_ had received orders to pick up a group of ambassadors at a starbase, and the captain had managed to schedule a longer stay by putting in a request for some rare spare parts that Scotty claimed to urgently need in engineering.

The reason behind this was that Jim, bless him, had got hold of a few tickets for a recreation planet near the starbase, which was said to be one of the most beautiful places in the galaxy. Access was strictly limited, the planet booked up for months, if not years in advance, but the captain had still managed to get his hands on enough tickets for everyone who’d missed out on their last shore leave to help McCoy with the serum for Joanna. Well, almost enough. They were one ticket short, and good old Spock had kindly declined.

McCoy was immensely looking forward to the almost four days they’d get to spend there. Hope desperately needed some time off the ship, and he could certainly do with time away from sickbay, too. And when he saw her genuine delight at the prospect, her trademark enthusiasm returning to everything she did, from the dancefloor to the bedroom, the doctor was hopeful that she’d found back to her old self at last.

After one of their ‘exquisite marathons’, as McCoy reverently referred to them in his head, he and Hope lay on his bed, side by side, both on their backs, exhausted, and holding hands. He was still catching his breath, and noticed with satisfaction that Hope was a little breathless, too.

 _She’s really something else,_ he thought affectionately.

Being intimate with her was truly mind-blowing. Who’d have thought a tiger was sleeping inside this seemingly innocent young woman? And more surprising still, who’d have thought that he of all people would be the one to awaken it?

“Sometimes I think you just love me for my body, darling,” McCoy drawled and squeezed her fingers a little, feeling jocular as he lay there, eyes shut and a very content smile on his lips.

When there was no comeback from her, no quip, as he would have expected, he turned his head to look at her, and found Hope staring into the distance.

“Is it normal that I just can’t get enough of you?” she asked after a while, her voice soft and low. “I mean, I’ve never… and now...”

She fell silent.

McCoy chuckled. She was a hoot! In addition to being gorgeous, and, well, wonderful in every way.

“Is that your way of suggesting that I might not be as attractive as I’d like to think?” he smirked, but when she turned her head to look at him, and he saw genuine concern in her eyes, he knew that she actually expected an answer.

“Of course, it’s normal, love,” he quickly assured her, slightly taken aback by her sudden change of mood. “We’re in love, we can’t keep our hands off each other. That’s how it is, how it’s supposed to be.”

He reached out a hand to touch her cheek and chuckled, “I just hope I can keep up with you, girl,” then leaned over to press a gentle kiss on her nose.

That still didn’t earn him a smile from Hope, who just kept looking at him pensively.

“No, seriously, Leonard. Is it too much? Am I too needy? After all, some time ago, you told me that you’d never met anyone with such a pronounced need for touch.”

“But that’s not a bad thing at all, love!” he cried. “It’s so sweet, it’s what makes you _you_!”

“Am I too needy?” she repeated, fixing him with her eyes.

McCoy propped himself up on one elbow and looked at her intently.

“Is there a better compliment for a man than when his woman can’t get enough of him?” he asked in return, thinking that would make her smile at least, but she just kept gazing at him earnestly, a little frown clouding her pretty face.

“I don’t know, Leonard, is there?” she asked quietly.

Where in blazes had all that come from? They’d just spent a wonderful evening together, taking joy in their love and each other’s bodies. He’d thought everything was perfect, that she’d long left any insecurities behind. Why did she suddenly seem so unsure again? Had he said or done anything to unsettle her?

“You could never get too much for me, Jenny,” he tried to be patient. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, and I can’t get enough of you, either. I thought you knew. Or at least I hoped you’d notice when we’re together.”

She finally smiled a little at that.

“Of course! I’m sorry, Leonard. This is still just kind of new for me, I guess. Forget it!”

But he couldn’t simply forget it. He’d just remembered what she’d said after their first night together. About thinking that ‘it’ not hurting was as good as it got. His heart broke a little at the memory. Maybe now was the time to follow this up?

“Have you not enjoyed sex before?” he asked delicately, saddened at the thought.

Hope took a moment to think, then slowly shook her head.

“No, not like this. Nothing close.”

McCoy felt a cold hand clenching his heart. He chose his next words carefully, but he just had to know.

“Jenny, has anyone hurt you during sex? You mentioned something after our first night, but then didn’t seem to want to talk about it.”

Looking deeply into her eyes, he hoped she’d open up to him now, but judging from the way she looked back at him, his gaze must have conveyed his concern and fear rather than the endless love he’d intended.

Averting her eyes, Hope contemplated his question for unbearably long minutes – or was it only seconds? – appearing to have a hard time remembering.

Finally, she said not very convincingly, “No, I don’t think so. Not that I’d remember.”

A chill ran down McCoy’s spine, and he gently prompted, “Maybe your friend’s father? You know, the one who…”

“I know who you’re talking about,” Hope quickly cut in, “but no! No... I’m pretty sure…”

_Pretty sure? What kind of answer was that? Was she blocking something out?_

McCoy clenched his fists, yet tried to keep his voice gentle.

“Jenny, how can you not be sure? If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay, just say so.”

Hope looked at him, seeming surprised at his words.

“I’m not trying to hide something from you, Leonard. I honestly don’t remember anyone hurting me.”

“But?” he prompted, because she’d certainly sounded like there was one.

“No buts,” she smiled, and it was more convincing this time. “It’s just that I sometimes feel as if my memories of ‘before’ are fading. But then, that’s probably what being asleep for 300 years does to you, isn’t it?”

She leaned over to kiss him gently on his lips, then put her hand over her mouth to cover a yawn.

“Can we just go to sleep now, Leonard, and pretend this conversation never happened?” she asked, fluttering her eyelashes at him, then added with a naughty wink and a contented sigh, before comfortably spooning into him, “I’d really rather dream of all the pleasant things we did this evening. If only you could feel what you make _me_ feel when we’re together.”

“I think I have a pretty good idea,” he grinned, feeling an intense surge of love and affection wash over him, as he wrapped his arm around her and snuggled closer.

It didn’t take Hope long to fall asleep, usually a sure sign that she was free from any tension or anxiety, but McCoy was still worried. Over the past few days, he’d genuinely thought that she’d fully recovered from her emotional stress. But after tonight, he feared that Calmara’s death had only been a trigger for something else. There had to be another, deeper reason for her unexpected insecurities and mood swings, which reminded him unpleasantly of the time shortly before she’d spilled the secret about her past. Was there another secret Starfleet made her keep? Even from him? Whatever it was, it certainly wasn’t healthy for her. And if he couldn’t coax it out of her, he’d have to get her help from a specialist.

_Oh boy, that wouldn’t go down well with her._

Just as he tried to push aside his worries and follow Hope into the land of dreams, his computer gave a low chime, signalling an incoming call. Knowing that, at this time of night, it was most probably Joanna calling, he quietly slipped out of bed and sat down in front of the screen. And, sure enough, moments later, his daughter’s beaming smile lifted his heavy heart.


	19. Chapter 19

“Hi daddy!” his daughter’s happy voice greeted him from the screen, and McCoy quickly put a silencing finger to his mouth.

“Hi sweetheart!” he grinned at her. “So good to see you! But Jenny’s already asleep.”

“Oh, sorry!” Joanna dropped her voice to a whisper. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“And you didn’t, honey. It’s just that Jenny had a bit of a rough time lately. But you know you can call me anytime. Anytime at all. I’m always happy to hear from you.”

His daughter smiled.

“Love you, daddy!”

McCoy almost teared up at that. Only two years ago, he wouldn’t have thought they’d ever be this close again. Another ‘miracle’ that he had to thank Hope for. He cast a fond glance at the sleeping woman in his bed.

“Love you, too, sweetheart!” he beamed, the words tasting wonderfully sweet in his mouth. “So, what’s up? Are you feeling all right? All the symptoms of the Andorian fever completely gone?”

“Yes, daddy,” Joanna smiled indulgently, “your serum worked like a charm. And as you already know, I was completely back to normal by the end of the second day.”

“I know, baby-girl,” McCoy grinned sheepishly, “I just can’t hear it often enough. So, what are your plans until nursing school starts again? Are you staying on _New Oxbridge_?”

“No, dad,” Joanna said proudly, “I’m assisting with a project on preventing interracial disease transmission in hotspots. Like starbases for example.”

“That sounds interesting,” the doctor smiled at his daughter’s eager face, allowing himself a moment of fatherly pride.

“In fact, I’m already on my way to starbase 49 for some on-site research. You know, the one close to this amazing recreation planet?” she continued, oblivious to her father’s eyes suddenly growing wide. “Who knows? Maybe I’ll even get the chance to go there!”

McCoy felt the colour draining from his face. His mind was racing. Joanna would be at the very starbase the _Enterprise_ was heading towards. He hadn’t seen her since a quick stopover at another starbase, when Hope had still been on the _Lexington_. And then they’d barely had a couple of hours until her connecting flight.

Here was a chance to really spend time with his daughter! And after the _New Oxbridge_ scare, he so wanted to hold his baby-girl in his arms again. But he just couldn’t do this to Hope. Not when the prospect of this shore leave was the one thing between her and a break-down. After all, she’d already been in desperate need of shore leave even before _New Oxbridge_ happened, and yet had unhesitatingly stayed with and been there for him all through these terrible days and nights. She really deserved a break.

And he couldn’t really let her go alone, either. She was too vulnerable at the moment. Just that evening had been proof enough that she was still a long way from all right. Whatever was troubling her, might erupt anytime. He needed to stay by her side.

But what was he going to tell Joanna? If he told her, she’d be so disappointed. And there he’d thought he was done being a crap dad. But he couldn’t just not tell her, either. She’d see the _Enterprise_ docked at the starbase. Unfortunately, he couldn’t even ask Hope’s advice in the matter, because she’d undoubtedly make him go see his daughter.

“Daddy? Are you even listening?” Joanna’s concerned voice broke into his thoughts. “What’s the matter? You’ve gone all pale!”

“Sorry, sweetheart,” McCoy tried to pull himself together and, with a quick glance, made sure that Hope was still fast asleep. “I’m all right. It’s just that, right now, the _Enterprise_ is headed for starbase 49, too. But there’s something I need to ...”

He was interrupted by a delighted squeal coming from the screen, followed by Joanna quickly clamping her hand over her mouth.

“Sorry, daddy,” she giggled, “but this is just such a perfect coincidence. I can’t wait to see you! And finally get to know Jenny. After all you’ve told me about her, she’s got to be pretty awesome. And from what Elizabeth said, she also played a big part in keeping you together and focused on finding my serum.”

“She sure did,” McCoy replied quietly, overcome with endless love for both Hope and his daughter.

Staring at Joanna’s face for a few moments, he tried to find the right words to tell her that their meeting was not going to happen.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart, but I won’t be there,” he began, his heart breaking when he saw Joanna’s face falling. “I can’t, baby. I wish I could. But Jim’s sending us to this recreation planet, and Jenny really needs to go. She’s had some terrible things happen to her recently. And even before she returned to the _Enterprise_ , too. Apart from that, she’s already sacrificed one shore leave to help me with your serum.”

“And you’re going with her, I take it?” Joanna’s disappointment was more than obvious.

“She’s not in a good place, emotionally. I’d really rather not leave her alone for several days in a row right now.”

“Of course,” Joanna nodded, an understanding smile on her face. “I couldn’t just come, too, I guess?”

“Unfortunately, it’s not that easy, honey. Access is limited, and I can’t really ask anyone else to give up their ticket. We’ve only got tickets for those who stayed aboard to help me with your serum during our last shore leave in the first place.”

“I see,” Joanna nodded again. “It was very short notice anyway. We’ll meet up some other time.”

“We definitely will, sweetheart,” McCoy said. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise. We’ll make plans for a proper vacation, all right?”

“All right, daddy, I’ll hold you to that,” Joanna smiled, no trace of reproach in her eyes.

She was a wonderful girl. Always had been. Sweet-tempered and forgiving. Come to think of it, she was a lot like Hope in many ways.

“Jenny’s been there for me all through your sickness, sweetheart,” he couldn’t suppress the urge to explain some more. “And now someone died to save her life. It’s difficult for her to come to terms with that.”

“Don’t worry daddy, I understand,” Joanna looked straight at him, and he could see the compassion in her eyes. “Survivor’s guilt. That’s heavy. Incidentally, that was a big part of my finals just before I went to _New Oxbridge_. You’ll need to ...”

McCoy was deeply touched as she launched into a list of things he should do for Hope. Nothing he hadn’t known before, of course, but the way she’d switched from disappointed to trying to help in the blink of an eye just melted his heart. She really was his girl.

“Will Uncle Jim be at the starbase?” Joanna asked, suddenly perking up.

“Oh yes, he will,” McCoy chuckled, thinking about how Jim had, of course, managed to wiggle his way into his daughter’s heart at the very first meeting. “And I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to meet up with you.”

They chatted a little longer, and McCoy was relieved to see that his daughter genuinely wasn’t angry with him. But when, after they’d ended the call, he quietly crawled back into bed, nestling up against Hope, he started to have second thoughts. Had he done the right thing? Hope needed him, and he’d do anything for her. But he’d just had the chance to see Joanna after her illness, and he’d blown it.

* * *

Jenny woke up to the sound of hushed voices, but chose to stay quiet in order not to interrupt the father-daughter conversation. Leonard always used this special voice for Joanna, so warm and soft, and Jenny loved to listen to him talking to her. But when she heard McCoy rejecting the chance to meet his daughter on her behalf, she was appalled.

Her first impulse was to jump up and set this straight. There was no way she’d let him miss out on a chance to see Joanna. But then she thought better of it. Knowing Leonard, once he’d made up his mind not to leave her, because, apparently, she needed constant monitoring, he’d never agree to go. She’d have to find a way to make him.

Jenny felt terrible about having worried him so badly, even though she hadn’t even been aware of it, but that couldn’t be helped now. She’d go see the captain tomorrow and ask his advice. After all, he was Leonard’s best friend and had known him and Joanna for years.

* * *

“Have you got a minute, Captain?” Jenny asked the next morning, right after breakfast. “I’d like your advice on something.”

McCoy had seemed rather down when he’d got up that morning, and although he’d tried to pass it off as his usual early morning grumpiness, Jenny knew better and couldn’t wait to put things right.

“Of course, Hope,” Kirk smiled at her, “What can I do for you?”

“It’s about Dr. McCoy,” she replied, and was glad when the captain took her by the arm and guided her to a quiet corner table in the mess.

“Shoot,” he said with an encouraging smile, but she could see the concern in his eyes.

“Joanna’s going to be at starbase 49, too. Leonard only found out yesterday evening, but he told her he couldn’t meet her, because he needs to come with me. After my stupid breakdown when Calmara got shot, he’s so worried about me, he won’t leave me alone for a minute. But I couldn’t live with myself, knowing that he missed out on a rare chance to see his daughter because of me.”

“I see,” Kirk said, nodding thoughtfully. “Did you tell him that?”

“No,” Hope replied quietly, “he doesn’t even know I know. And what would have been the point, anyway? You know him, he invented stubbornness.”

“You’re probably right,” the captain agreed. “How can I help? Have you got anything in mind?”

“Actually, yes, I have,” Jenny grinned. “But I’d like your opinion first, and I’ll definitely need your and Mr. Scott’s help to put my plan into action.”

“Right,” Kirk grinned back. “Let’s get on it, then.”

Plotting behind his friend’s back to surprise the grumpy doctor and make him happy was right up his alley.

The captain made a few calls, Jenny talked to Scotty, and by evening, everything was arranged. There was only one thing left to do: call Joanna and let her in on their plan. So, Jenny sent McCoy on a ‘men’s night out’, and settled down in front of the computer to call Leonard’s daughter, who was rather taken aback to hear from her.

Jenny quickly explained her plan, and wasn’t too surprised when Joanna, in true McCoy style, refused the offer.

“This is awfully kind of you, Jenny,” Joanna smiled, “but I couldn’t accept that. Daddy would be livid, if I did.”

“Of course, you can! Don’t worry about your dad, Joanna,” Jenny smiled. “I’ll make sure to let him know that it was all my idea. Besides, when he sees you, he’ll be so delighted, he’ll forget all about being angry with either of us.”

“You think?” Joanna asked, and Jenny could see her eyes lighting up with hope. “Daddy seemed pretty concerned about you.”

“Your dad is overreacting,” Jenny reassured her. “You know how much he worries and how protective he gets. But he really needs to see you! He was worried sick about you, when you had the fever. I’ve never seen him so distraught, so afraid before. He was in pieces, and he definitely needs to spend time with you.”

“Okay, then. Thank you, Jenny,” Joanna said with a grateful smile. “You really love him, don’t you?”

“More than you can imagine,” Jenny smiled back. “Your dad is the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. He means everything to me.”

* * *

A few days later, McCoy and Hope stepped onto the transporter platform. They were the last of the small group of lucky crew members to beam down for what was advertised to be an unforgettable shore leave, and McCoy found himself really looking forward to it.

He still felt bad about not seeing Joanna, of course, but when he looked at Hope’s beaming smile, her eyes sparkling with anticipation, he couldn’t really feel sorry. Her delight was contagious. Even Scotty at the transporter console seemed to be affected by her happiness. McCoy could have sworn he saw him grin and wink at Hope as he entered the coordinates.

At the last moment, Hope pressed a kiss on McCoy’s cheek and a card into his hand, before stepping onto her own pad.

“Please take this, Leonard,” was the last thing the surprised doctor heard before feeling the familiar tingling of the transporter beam taking him away.


	20. Chapter 20

When McCoy materialised amid a paradise of lush colours and heavenly scents, the first thing he saw was Joanna standing there, the biggest grin on her face.

And before he even knew what was happening, she flung her arms around his neck and whispered, “Surprise!” in his ear.

For a moment, the doctor just stood there, shell-shocked, until his brain finally caught up with his senses, and he enveloped his daughter in a bear hug.

“Oh my God, sweetheart!” he cried, an enormous wave of joy and happiness washing over him, as he clutched her to him, squeezing her tight. “I can’t believe it’s really you!”

His baby-girl was here. Alive and well and right in his arms. And if it hadn’t been for her giggling and telling him that she needed to breathe, he might never have let go of her again.

“How did you pull that off?” he asked, releasing her from his embrace and holding her at arm’s length, dabbing at the tears of joy that were running down his cheeks.

“Jenny and Uncle Jim made it happen,” Joanna smiled.

“So, Jim was in on it, too, huh?” McCoy turned around to … find Hope not there.

Where had she disappeared to? He quickly scanned the area, but she was nowhere to be seen. And there was no way she could – or even would – have run off that quickly.

_The transporter._

Cold fear gripped him, as he reached for his communicator, but Joanna stopped him with a placating hand on his arm.

“She’s not coming, daddy.”

“What?” McCoy asked, confused and feeling increasingly panicky.

“She gave me her ticket.”

“She did _what_?” he gaped at his daughter, eyes blazing as realisation dawned.

His mouth was set in a grim line, as he flipped his communicator open and barked, “McCoy to _Enterprise_.”

“ _Enterprise_. Uhura here,” came the friendly reply.

“Put me through to the transporter room,” he snarled.

Uhura shot a questioning glance at the captain who just grinned and shrugged.

“Scott here!”

“Is she there? Is she all right?” McCoy bellowed, without so much as a greeting.

It was probably a good thing, he couldn’t see Hope wince and pull a face at a grinning Scotty, then drawing a letter in the air with her hands.

“Aye, she’s here and right as rain, Doctor,” Scotty answered, and McCoy could hear an annoying smile in his voice. “Enjoy your stay and don’t forget to read the letter!”

_Oh, the letter._

Still mad, the doctor snapped his communicator shut without even checking out and looked down at the envelope in his hand.

He was so unbelievably angry. And yet, looking back at his daughter who was guiltily biting her lip, he wasn’t.

“Oh Jo,” he sighed, putting a hand on her shoulder, “I’m so glad to see you. Of course, I am. But I told you how badly Jenny needed this shore leave.”

“I’m sorry Daddy,” Joanna cast her eyes down, “I didn’t even want to come at first, but she told me how devastated you were when I was ill, and that you really needed to see me. She was very convincing.”

“I bet she was,” McCoy grumbled, ruffling his daughter’s hair.

His emotions were all over the place. Apart from being overjoyed at seeing his daughter, he felt furious with Jenny and deeply touched at the same time. Definitely one of those things no one but Hope could accomplish.

“Jenny said she’d explain it all in her letter.”

_The letter. Of course._

Looking at Joanna’s conscience-stricken face and not wanting her to feel guilty any longer, he tried to curb his temper and slung a conciliatory arm around her shoulders, steering her in the direction of what looked like a lakeside café overlooking gorgeously turquoise water.

“Let’s go get something to drink while I read it okay?”

Joanna smiled up at him, looking relieved, and rested her head against his shoulder. How could he stay mad at Hope, when having his daughter close felt so good? She’d just wanted to make him happy. That’s all Hope ever wanted, wasn’t it? He might not always agree with her choices, but he’d certainly never been loved like this before.

Taking in the amazing view, they sat down at the café and ordered iced tea. And while Joanna started taking pictures of their beautiful surroundings, McCoy opened Hope’s letter.

> _Leonard,_
> 
> _I love you, I know what you need, and I’ll be perfectly all right on my own._

He chuckled. What a typically Hope way to start.

> _Please don’t be angry with Joanna. None of this is her fault. In fact, we had to resort to drastic measures to convince her of the importance of her coming here._

McCoy frowned as he pictured Jim and Hope press-ganging his daughter into accepting Hope’s ticket. They’d probably had no qualms about telling her that her father was a nervous wreck.

> _I know you’re mad at me right now, but please understand that I just couldn’t bear being the reason why you can’t see Joanna. Hopefully, you’ll forgive me once you realise how desperately you needed to hold her and see her health fully restored with your own eyes. Not to mention how badly Joanna needs to spend some time with her daddy, especially since she has the most wonderful dad in the world._

Shaking his head mildly, he wondered if she really thought that a little smooth-talk would get her off the hook.

> _Don’t worry about me. I’ll be perfectly fine without you for a couple of days, I promise. By the way, I’ll be on the very shuttle that Captain Kirk organised to pick up Joanna the day after tomorrow. And I’m seriously looking forward to spending two wonderful days of shore leave with a happy dad full of new stories about his awesome daughter._
> 
> _And now, although I know how hard this is for you, please relax and enjoy!_
> 
> _I love you!_
> 
> _J x_

McCoy put the card down, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand and wondering how on earth he’d managed to end up with someone who actually put his needs above their own. Just the thought of Hope loving him as much as he loved her filled him with disbelieving gratitude.

Looking up, he saw Joanna watching him, a warm smile on her face.

“She really loves you, daddy,” she said softly, touching his hand and squeezing lightly.

“Yes, she does,” McCoy replied, and he could hear the wonder in his own voice.

Then a thought struck him, and he looked his daughter straight in the eye.

“Are you all right with that, sweetheart? With me and Jenny, I mean?” he asked, a worried frown appearing on his face.

“Of course, daddy,” Joanna replied unhesitatingly. “Why wouldn’t I be? I’m glad to finally see you happy. After mom, you really deserve it.”

“What do you mean?” McCoy was taken aback by her words.

“Daddy, please!” she chuckled. “I may only have been a little girl when you two split up, but I was still aware of what was going on.”

“Oh?” was all the doctor managed to get out.

“I love mom, I really do,” Joanna went on. “And I know you loved her, too. But you were just not made for each other. You are warm, and kind, you love your job, helping people. And she… well she mostly loves Jocelyn McCoy. And credits. And someone who’ll cater to her every whim.”

McCoy was listening with his mouth literally hanging open. They’d never talked about this before. He’d always assumed that Joanna thought he’d just gone off to space to pursue his career, and had been very grateful that she’d forgiven him.

“I never liked mom bringing ‘friends’ over to the house and taking them to her bedroom for ‘a quiet chat’ when you were on nightshift. Although I didn’t fully understand it until I was much older, of course. And I certainly didn’t like the way she talked to you, always angry, always demanding more or better, when I thought you were just perfect.”

McCoy was shocked by the revelation, and, his eyes filling up, he reached across the table to caress Joanna’s face.

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry you got caught up in all of this,” he said, feeling the familiar anger at his ex-wife boiling up inside him. “I always thought we hid our disagreements pretty well from you. And I certainly never knew that she so blatantly paraded her lovers in front of you.”

“I know, daddy,” Joanna smiled. “But your fights at night, when you thought I was asleep, were certainly loud enough to wake the dead. And, frankly, even though I missed you every day, I was almost relieved when you moved out and the shouting stopped.”

McCoy hung his head.

“I feel terrible, baby. All I ever wanted was for you to have a carefree childhood, a loving family, a happy and safe home. That’s why I held on for so long. Now I see I probably shouldn’t have. But I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. And it was pretty obvious to me, even then, that Jocelyn would do everything in her power to take you away from me, to punish me. That’s what she did in the end, anyway.”

Joanna got up from her chair and stepped around the table to lean down and wrap her arms around him.

“I’ve missed you so much, daddy,” she whispered, brushing her cheek against his. “And I admit I was disappointed and angry with you for the first couple of years, until I was old enough to know better. But when you left, I had no way of knowing that mom was deliberately keeping you away from me. She kept dropping hints that you preferred strangers to us, that you’d rather care for random aliens in space than look after your own family. All I got from you were birthday and Christmas cards and presents, and mom used to get really upset at how much they always meant to me. Despite what you’d done, or rather what I thought you’d done, I’ve never stopped loving you, daddy.”

Her tears were flowing freely now, trickling down McCoy’s neck and into the collar of his shirt. Trying to keep his own tears at bay, he stood up and gathered her in his arms, just holding her tight, too upset and emotional to speak.

“I’m glad you told me all of this, sweetheart,” he finally said when Joanna’s sobs ebbed away, sending Hope silent thanks for making this meeting happen after all, “and I hope you know that I’ve always loved you, too, and thought about you every day.”

Joanna looked up at him, sniffling and smiling, and nodded.

“But despite everything, your mom is a good person,” he went on, looking earnestly at his daughter. “It wasn’t all her fault, I made my fair share of mistakes, too. She was smart, and fun, and beautiful, and I fell in love with her. But we met very young, and we grew apart.”

“I know, daddy,” Joanna nodded. “She’s my mom, and I love her dearly.”

“I _did_ love her, too, you know. Part of me probably always will, because she’s the mother of my child. She gave me you.”

He pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, and Joanna stayed in his arms a little longer.

“I’m glad we talked,” she finally said, taking a step back and smiling up at him. “I mean, really talked. But now let’s enjoy ourselves, okay?”

“Okay,” he laughed, sitting back down and draining his iced tea. “Let’s check into our hotel and find out about everything this planet has to offer.”

* * *

Jenny hadn’t been able to concentrate on her work all day. Hearing Leonard’s gruff voice in the transporter room, she’d started to question her actions. He’d obviously panicked when she hadn’t materialised beside him, and she was sorry that she hadn’t anticipated that. It had been sweet of him to ask if she was all right, though.

Deep down she was convinced she’d done the right thing, but she still wondered if she’d overstepped a line. Maybe she shouldn’t just have sprung this on him, but she was pretty sure, he’d never have agreed, if he’d known in advance.

So, it was with some apprehension, that she answered her comm, when it beeped late that evening.

“Leonard! How is it going?” she greeted him overly brightly, her plan to sound confident and relaxed going right out the window.

“Thanks, Jenny, we’re having a good time,” he replied, and she wasn’t sure what to make of his tone.

“Are you angry with me?” she asked, hating how pathetic she sounded.

There was a long silence.

“I really wanted to be. But now that I hear your voice, I find I can’t,” he finally grumbled, and Jenny almost laughed out loud with relief.

“I love you too, Leonard.”

“I was furious at first,” he went on, “believe me, I was. I had my reasons for not wanting to leave you alone, you know? Not to mention that I nearly had a heart attack when you didn’t materialise beside me.”

“I’m so sorry about that, Leonard,” she said meekly, “I totally didn’t think about that, but I should have.”

Another sigh.

“What can I say?” McCoy finally went on. “As you wrote in your letter, you obviously know what I need.”

Jenny let out a breath she hadn’t even been aware she’d still been holding.

“I have to admit that for me and Joanna, this is the greatest gift. We’ve already talked about so many things we never had the time for, or simply didn’t want to address over the screen. Giving us the opportunity to spend two whole days with each other was incredibly thoughtful of you. Thank you so much, love.”

“You’re very welcome, Leonard,” Jenny beamed. “I’m really glad that it all worked out.”

“And you?” McCoy asked quietly, and Jenny could hear the familiar worry and fear in his voice. “Are you all right?”

“I’m more than all right,” she smiled, hoping to take away all his concerns. “Knowing that you’re happy is all I need to feel good. Unlike Joanna, I can see you every day on the _Enterprise_. And every day with you, no matter where, feels like shore leave to me. You don’t have that with your daughter. So make the most of your time!”

“We will, love,” he replied, his voice trembling with emotion. “Thank you. You’re the best, and I love you more than you’ll ever know.”

* * *

After that conversation, Jenny slept better than she had in a long time. No nightmares, no déjà vus, only restful sleep, snuggled up in the blanket that smelled wonderfully of Leonard.

Her short meeting with Joanna two days later was delightful. They only had a few minutes on the shuttle, between Joanna beaming up and Jenny beaming down to join McCoy, but it was enough to establish a very friendly relationship. After all, they both loved the same, wonderful man and had his best interests at heart.

When Joanna materialised on the shuttle, she took one look at Jenny and immediately hugged her.

“Thanks so much again, Jenny,” she gushed. “It was awesome. I hope you’re all right?”

“Perfectly all right, Joanna,” Jenny hugged her back. “I’m so glad you two could finally meet up and spend some quality time together.”

Taking a step back, Joanna’s face grew serious.

“He really loves you, you know. At least as much as you love him. And I can see why. I’ve never seen my dad happier. Well, after his initial wrath, of course,” she chuckled. “You’re so good for him. I’m really glad he has you.”

“I’m lucky to have him,” Jenny smiled, feeling herself blush. “It was nice meeting you at last, Joanna. I hope I’ll see you again soon, and hopefully longer.”

And with a happy grin at the prospect of being back with Leonard in only a few moments, she stepped onto the transporter pad.

“Enjoy your project, Joanna, and take care!” Jenny waved at the younger woman, before the shuttle dissolved around her.

The next thing she knew, Jenny was being snatched out of the transporter beam, at least that’s how it felt, and enveloped in a bear hug that took her breath away.

“Leonard,” she laughed, trying to free herself, “you’re crushing me!”

“That’s the penalty for going behind someone’s back, didn’t you know?” came his gruff reply as he reluctantly released her.

“You’re not still angry with me, are you?” Jenny asked, making her best puppy eyes at him.

McCoy just stared at her for long moments, and she felt herself drowning in his beautiful eyes.

“What?” she laughed at last, starting to feel a little uneasy.

“You have no idea how much I love you,” he said quietly after a while. “Absolutely no idea.”

“Of course, I know, Leonard,” she smiled, his words giving her goosebumps. “I can see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice, feel it in every touch.”

“You think you know, but you don’t,” he shook his head. “It’s too big to comprehend. Even for me.”

And when he gently pulled her back in his arms, kissing her with a passion that made her go weak in the knees, Jenny knew that she was once more exactly where she was always meant to be.


	21. Chapter 21

When he could finally bring himself to let her go, McCoy took Hope back to the hotel, where they made good use of the big, comfortable bed. This time, there was no doubt that it was _him_ who couldn’t keep his hands off _her_ , and the doctor was very relieved to see Hope back to her confident, joyful self.

It seemed that every time he thought their love couldn’t possibly get any stronger, Hope managed to prove him wrong. Despite all the worrying she put him through, he’d found a kind of happiness with her that he’d certainly never expected to find in life. But even though he thought he’d learned to accept it as a gift and rejoice in his good fortune, a tiny voice in his head would always keep warning him that all good things must come to an end, and that he really didn’t deserve it.

Deliberately pushing those unbidden thoughts aside, he followed an eager Hope into the shower, trusting that her tender lips and caressing hands would help him wash all negativity down the drain. And it worked. As always, her soothingly exciting, and excitingly soothing presence filled his soul with a sense of well-being that simply left no room for anything else.

Afterwards, they went for a long, blissful stroll through the gorgeous countryside, where she made him tell her every little detail about his meeting with Joanna, and he happily obliged. Hope listened attentively as he told her of their talk about his marriage, the divorce, and the years after, squeezing his hand comfortingly when she heard what Jocelyn had put their daughter through. He realised only now, that because Hope had been too tactful to ask, he’d never really told her any of this. And when he couldn’t seem to stop going on about how happy he was to have had this conversation with his daughter, the doctor was incredibly touched to see how genuinely delighted Hope was for him.

Watching her soak up the beauty and scents of the place, McCoy was reminded of _Paradise Earth_ , another beautiful planet, where they’d enjoyed a wonderful hike on an assignment and spent two unforgettable, if innocent nights together. Just like then, being surrounded by nature was balm to Hope’s soul, leaving no trace of her being insecure or troubled. She seemed perfectly all right again. Maybe her insomnia and general tenseness of late had been nothing more than a reaction to all her recent traumata after all. Maybe she was right, and he did worry too much about her, just as she always said. He certainly hoped so.

“As much as I enjoy this time alone with you, shouldn’t we meet up with the others, too, at some point?” Hope broke into his musings. “After all, you’re the reason they’re here.”

“Not unless you want to,” he replied with a smile. “I’ve already taken them out to dinner yesterday, since Joanna wanted to thank them, too, and I’ve sent them to watch a show tonight. Today is all about you, my love. We’ll do whatever you want.”

“Well, I’m certainly not objecting to that, Leonard,” Hope laughed, turning towards him and blowing him a kiss.

Feeling the sudden need to thank her again, McCoy stopped in the shade of a few enormous trees, grabbed a surprised Hope by the arms, and pulled her around to face him, looking deeply into her eyes.

“I know, I’ve said it before, love, and I’ll probably say it again, but I just can’t thank you enough for sacrificing half of your well-deserved shore leave for my daughter. I wish I had the words to tell you how much this time with her meant to me.”

“I know, Leonard,” Hope replied softly, but emphatically, an indulgent smile curling up her lips, “and it’s a shame Joanna couldn’t get more than two days off. But while I greatly value your appreciation, please stop treating me like this selfless saint. I mean, seriously, two days of shore leave versus the rare chance for someone to spend quality time with their daughter, that’s a no-brainer, wouldn’t you agree? You’d have done the same for anyone. But, of course, it’s even nicer to do it for the person you love most in the world.”

McCoy looked at her a little longer, blinking back the tears at what she’d just said. He really was too emotional today, and not only on Spock’s scale, either. So, letting a wide grin spread across his face, he raised a self-deprecating eyebrow and shrugged.

“Come along then, oh wise one,” he chuckled, and pulled Hope further along the path.

* * *

Jenny enjoyed walking hand in hand with the doctor through this amazing scenery. Being able to be so close to him and show her affection openly in public felt incredible and reminded her of their first shore leave together. The one that had led to them admitting their feelings for each other at long last. There were so many fond memories attached.

The first thing Jenny wanted after their stroll was dinner at a cosy restaurant, and McCoy took her to a lovely place serving food from all corners of the galaxy. They chatted throughout their meal, and Jenny was once again amazed by how the two of them never ran out of topics to talk about. Even after all this time together, there was still so much to learn about each other, so many thoughts and experiences to share, so many words of love, appreciation, and encouragement to exchange.

Not to forget about the number of stories and memories to share a laugh over, something she especially loved about their relationship. Serious and focused as McCoy was on the job, which, unfortunately, was most of the time on the _Enterprise_ , he could be so much fun off-duty. When he wasn’t worrying about something or other, of course. His dry sense of humour often had Jenny in stitches.

On their way back to the hotel, they passed a club advertising romantic dancing, and Jenny didn’t have to think twice before pulling the doctor inside. The music playing at the moment was fast paced and rhythmic, and didn’t strike her as overly romantic, but in his current state of happiness McCoy didn’t seem to mind. Jenny was really glad to see him like this, and was rather impressed with his dance moves. She didn’t often get the chance to watch him dance, and was full of admiration for the gracefulness with which he moved. And, truthfully, more than a little turned on, too. 

After a while, the music slowed down, and McCoy didn’t lose a moment before drawing Jenny close. Her arms around his neck, while his were wrapped around her waist, they swayed to the gentle rhythm, smiling from ear to ear and nearly drowning in each other’s eyes. Only halfway into the second song, they were already locked in the most tender, never-ending kiss.

When the pace of the music picked up again, McCoy grabbed her hand and pulled her outside, finding a bench for them to sit on, not overlooking the sea like on their first shore leave, but the beautifully moonlit lake instead. Wrapping an arm around her shoulders to keep her warm, he rested his head on top of hers, and she could feel his lips curving into a content smile against her hair.

“It’s just like our first shore leave,” Jenny murmured, “only better, because I don’t have to persuade you to hold or kiss me anymore.”

McCoy’s answer was to pull her even closer, and she happily nestled further into his embrace.

“So much has happened since,” the doctor drawled, his voice sounding dreamy, “and yet, I can perfectly recall my feelings when we first danced together. I could feel you under my skin, you’d completely turned my head, and I was just helpless to resist. I knew kissing you was so very wrong, but I was utterly under your spell. All those months of secretly loving you, of restraining myself. All that pining.”

“You were pining for me?” Jenny giggled.

“Every night, my dear,” the doctor chuckled, lovingly running his fingers through her hair. “Like a lovesick teenager. Living only for the moments I could be near you. Look at you, touch you, or even hold you.”

“Me too,” she sighed softly, then turned her head to look up at him thoughtfully. “And do you regret it? Giving in to that kiss, I mean?”

McCoy’s reply was instant.

“Never,” he shook his head. “No matter what the future holds. I could never go back.”

“Not even to be rid of all the worrying I put you through?” she wanted to know.

“Do you really think I’d worry less about you, if I hadn’t kissed you and we weren’t together?” he laughed incredulously.

“Wouldn’t you?” she asked, looking at him quizzically, but really already knowing the answer.

“Jenny,” he chuckled indulgently, “you know perfectly well that my love for you doesn’t depend on us being together, or even on your reciprocating, as a matter of fact. I’d love you just as much if you didn’t even know I existed. But, of course, knowing you love me back is my preferred version.”

The doctor treated her to one of his trademark smiles, the kind that lit up his whole face and melted Jenny’s heart, and pulled her in for a deliciously passionate kiss, which she returned with fervour. This was definitely going to be another unforgettable night.

* * *

Upon their return to the _Enterprise_ , they found themselves more than grateful for the past two days of peaceful bliss, when, unsurprisingly really, they immediately found themselves in the middle of the next crisis.

One of the ambassadors aboard broke down almost the moment they stepped off the transporter, showing all the signs of heavy organ failure.

“Of course, it has to be the one ambassador whose species has only recently joined the Federation, and whose medical details I only know in theory,” McCoy grumbled to Hope with a heavy heart, as they quickly changed into their uniforms.

And pressing a last wistful kiss on her lovely lips, he hurried out the door of his quarters towards sickbay, feeling his default worried frown sliding firmly back into place.


	22. Chapter 22

“Are you coming, Doctor?” Nurse Chapel stuck her head around the door to McCoy’s office. “We’re all set, you can start anytime.”

“Be right there, give me another minute,” the doctor replied, keeping his eyes fixed on the screen, where he was studying a display of intricately intertwined organs.

He was scared. Honest to God terrified. Sure, this was not the first time he found himself in a situation like this. Actually, quite a number of medical procedures he’d had to perform since joining Starfleet had been a first for him. And that wasn’t even counting the Horta. Operating on Sarek, for example. That had been a tough one, and while the _Enterprise_ had been under attack, too. But then, Vulcan organs were not that different from those of humans, just in different locations. Plus, he’d had years of at least theoretical knowledge, even if he hadn’t performed that exact procedure on a Vulcan before.

And, of course, there was Spock, who’d kindly provided more opportunities for hands-on practice over the years than McCoy cared to remember. With him being a hybrid, and thus unique in his physiology, fixing Spock had always been a challenge. Fortunately, one he’d mastered every time so far. And even though he liked to make fun of the first officer and the layout of his internal organs, McCoy had made it his priority to know everything there was to know about the differences between Humans, Vulcans, and his unique friend Spock.

What he was supposed to do now, however, was something else entirely. The ambassador, who had barely been responsive when McCoy had arrived in sickbay and was now in an induced coma, needed part of his digestive organs removed instantly. Before whatever they were infested with could spread to the other organs, the functions some of which fulfilled the doctor didn’t even comprehend. Fact was, they were all located scarily close together, overlapping even, and McCoy had no idea what would happen if he inadvertently damaged any of them while operating. He’d rarely felt so insecure. At least not in his capacity as a doctor.

Part of him wished that Hope were still working in sickbay. He could certainly use her moral support now. She had this way of grounding him, of keeping him focused, of making him grow beyond himself. But on the other hand, he was quite relieved that she wasn’t here to see him like this. Dithering and shaking with nerves.

Sure, she’d seen all his flaws, seen him at his weakest only recently, when he’d broken down over Joanna. But the one thing she still had complete faith in were his medical skills. And somehow that was incredibly important to him. He couldn’t bear the thought of her losing that. It’s what he was. A doctor, a healer. He needed to excel at that.

McCoy just couldn’t help it, protecting and staying strong were the sine qua non of his very existence. It was his default make-up, what he lived for. He couldn’t be strong all the time, of course, couldn’t protect everyone from everything. He’d made his peace with that over time. But he could, no he needed to be the best physician there was.

As for Hope, he wanted to be her rock, her safe haven, her protector, more than anything else. But he’d learned to live with not always being able to fill that role. Had accepted that sometimes it was okay to let her take care of him. What he desperately needed, however, was to see in her eyes this utter trust and belief in him and his abilities as a healer.

* * *

The ambassadors, especially those of newer planets to the Federation, provided a myriad of new information for the intuitive enhancement of the universal translator, and Jenny was in the middle of a meeting with her team when Christine called.

“We need you down here,” was all she said, but Jenny knew immediately that this was about McCoy.

Excusing herself from the meeting, she hurried towards sickbay and found Christine already waiting for her outside.

“Has something happened to Leonard?” she asked, her whole body trembling with fear and adrenaline.

“No, sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Christine quickly replied, resting a reassuring hand on her arm, “but I think he needs you now. He has to perform this obscenely complex operation, and I’ve never seen him so nervous, so reluctant. Time is of the essence, and I think he could do with a little confidence boost.”

“All right, I’ll see what I can do,” Jenny smiled, exhaling sharply with the relief of learning that the emergency was nothing to do with McCoy being hurt or in any kind of danger.

* * *

“Anything I can do for you, before you’re off to your next brilliant performance?” she smiled as she sauntered into McCoy’s office.

The doctor snorted and briefly glanced at her.

“Sorry, love, can’t talk. Gotta get started,” he said, his gaze returning to the screen, and when she stepped behind him to peer over his shoulder, he added with a worried frown, “Did you need anything?”

Count on him to worry about her on top of everything else.

“No, Leonard, I’m all right,” she was quick to assure him. “Just checking in on my favourite doctor.”

Jenny could see that he was itching to get going, yet uncharacteristically hesitant to leave his desk, and her heart went out to him.

“This is what you’re up against?” she asked softly, trying to make sense of the display.

“Mhmm,” McCoy nodded slowly, heaving a sigh.

“Not that I’m an expert, of course, but that’s not your usual layout of organs, is it?” she probed carefully.

“That’s the understatement of the year,” he mumbled, lifting one corner of his mouth into a wry grin.

“Care to show me what you’re intending to do?”

“I need to remove this part here,” he indicated one of the blobs on the screen, “without so much as grazing any of the other organs, a damn near impossible feat, considering how interwoven they all are.”

He looked tired, and Jenny had to fight an urge to take him in her arms and just hold him tight.

“What happens if you do?”

“I don’t have the faintest idea,” he sighed. “That’s just it. What if I get it wrong, and he dies before I even know what I’m doing?”

“And if you don’t operate now? If you wait for a healer from his planet?”

“Then he’ll die for sure, he doesn’t have that much time.”

“So, there’s your answer. Exactly what you told me, when I thought I couldn’t do field surgery on Chekov. That was my first – and hopefully last – time, too, and I did it!”

“But that was different.”

“How?”

“You had me right there in the next cage, guiding you through every single move.”

“That’s right, and I was very grateful for that. But it still was no walk in the park for me.”

“I know,” he relented, briefly cupping her face in his hand, and Jenny felt a bout of affection ripple through her at the tenderness of his touch.

“Treating Chekov might not have seemed difficult from your point of view. But then, you’re a surgeon with years of experience. Decades even,” she teased, happy to elicit a huff and a little grin from McCoy. “And you’re certainly not squeamish or almost have to throw up at the mere thought of digging into someone’s innards.”

“You’re right, love, I’ve got everything going for me,” he smirked, lifting himself out of his chair, and Jenny was happy to hear his voice sounding firm again. “Enough with the dilly-dallying.” 

“You’re the best doctor in the galaxy, Leonard. If there’s someone who can pull this off, it’s certainly you,” Jenny wrapped her arms around his waist to give him a quick hug. “I’d put my life in your capable hands any day.”

 _That was obviously the right thing to say_ , she thought, relieved, when she felt his lips brush a gentle kiss on the top of her head.

“Do you want me to give Christine a hand?” she asked on impulse. “Just in case something unexpected happens? We used to be quite a good team.”

“Would you?” the doctor looked up, and Jenny could see his shoulders relaxing a little at her suggestion. “I’ve actually got someone else lined up already, but I wouldn’t mind having you there, too. As backup, so to speak, someone who’s able to think on their feet.”

“Give me a minute to get ready,” Jenny beamed and ran out of his office.

She’d never even known how much he valued her assistance. But she had to admit she was awfully flattered.

* * *

The procedure turned into a marathon operation, and there were several moments when it was touch and go. But having Hope by his side, with her unswerving faith in him, he couldn’t help but feel optimistic, too. She’d been right. He did have decades of experience, had pulled the odd rabbit out of the hat before, and was definitely able to get this right. He had this.

Hope was a real blessing, but she wasn’t only there for emotional support. Even without proper training as a nurse, she’d always had a knack for knowing how to make herself useful without having to be told. Like feeding him and Chapel nutrition bars and liquids for sustenance as time moved on. Or endlessly wiping beads of perspiration off their foreheads and pushing aside stray hairs that pricked their eyes or tickled their ears. Taking care of little annoying things like that, and generally providing everything they needed while disposing of things they didn’t.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her repeatedly exchanging meaningful glances with Chapel. If he knew his head nurse right, it had probably been Christine who’d called Hope to sickbay in the first place. And he was more than grateful for that. Hope’s presence was immensely reassuring. It was what kept him going and confident even when his mind was screaming with the impossibility of this turning out successful.

Almost seven hours later, they were done. Part of the organ neatly removed, and the ambassador still, if barely, alive. McCoy was dead on his feet and gratefully sank into a chair one of the orderlies had placed next to the ambassador’s bed. There was no way, of course, that he would leave his patient’s side anytime soon, and so he didn’t object when Hope pulled up a chair next to his and sat down, handing him a steaming cup of coffee and a sandwich.

For the next few hours, she kept him awake with all sorts of funny stories, most of which he was sure he wouldn’t be able to remember the next day. But Hope, being Hope, had of course noticed his mind wandering off all the time and, with a loving smile, told him not to worry. By the time they were old and grey, he was bound to have heard those same stories several times over, anyway. She was the sweetest, most supportive partner he could imagine, and he fantasised about laying his weary head down in her lap and just go to sleep there.

When six hours later the ambassador was still stable, and McCoy had almost nodded off as many times in his chair, Hope and Chapel ganged up on him and tried to convince him to go back to his quarters for a couple hours of shut-eye in his own bed. And knowing that he was in no fit state to fight the collective force of the two women, he surrendered.

So, with Jenny promising to wake him up after two hours sharp, and Christine vowing not to leave the ambassador’s side and to call him the moment there was the slightest change in his condition, the doctor followed Hope out of sickbay and to his quarters. There he fell straight into bed, fully clothed, and smiled weakly as he felt his boots and uniform pants gently being pulled off, quickly followed by his blue medic shirt.

There was an awkward moment when Hope slid into bed next to him and started to run her hands all over his clammy, exhausted body, caressing and massaging, and the alarm must have shown on his face, because she started to laugh.

“Don’t worry, Leonard,” she chuckled fondly, as the touch of her gentle hands started to relax him, “I’m not expecting you to … er … you know what. But I happen to know, and I have it on good authority, that you fall asleep faster and wake up better rested with a certain, very lucky lady snuggled up in your arms.”

“You might have a point there, love,” he drawled, rolling onto his side and wrapping an arm around her waist to pull her closer.

He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, but was out like a light before he could get another word out.


	23. Chapter 23

Fortunately, there were no complications following the operation, and the patient’s condition was improving steadily, if slowly, over the next few days. McCoy, of course, still spent long hours in sickbay, wanting to be close by, in case something happened. Although Jenny strongly suspected that it was also quite a welcome pretext for the doctor to excuse himself from most of the dinners and parties in honour of their guests. She knew how Leonard detested his dress uniform, which was a shame really, since she thought he looked rather hot wearing it.

With all the meetings and social gatherings she had to attend, Jenny was rather busy, too. So she didn’t see much of McCoy at all, one of them usually already dead to the world by the time the other climbed into bed, or back on duty before the other woke up again. Therefore, she tried to spend as much time as possible between meetings in sickbay every day, ostensibly to do her eagerly expected rounds of entertaining and talking to patients, but really to exchange a few words with Leonard and generally be close to him.

“Come to bed, love,” McCoy called her one night, when he’d left sickbay early and found her still awake and chewing over some glitch in the translator’s programme.

“Just a couple more minutes, Leonard, I’m almost done,” Jenny replied, longing to fall into bed and his loving arms already, but sensing that the solution to her problem was almost within her grasp.

“What’s so urgent that you still have to work on it this late at night, anyway?” the doctor asked, coming to stand behind her, tenderly kissing the top of her head and giving her tense shoulders a gentle massage.

“Mmmmmh,” Jenny moaned, closing her eyes, momentarily distracted by his skilled hands, and relaxing against his chest. “There’s a glitch in my latest upgrade, and I can’t seem to fix it. But I’m nearly there, I can feel it.”

“Anything else you can feel, love?” McCoy murmured close to her ear, breaking her concentration and sending a shiver down her spine. “It’s not like this is life or death urgent, is it?”

That stung a little.

“No, Leonard, it’s not. Unlike your job, mine seldom is. But it’s still important to me.”

“I’m sorry, love,” McCoy’s fingers ceased their gentle motions, and his tone went from playful to sincerely apologetic. “I didn’t mean to belittle your job. That came out all wrong. You know that I’m fascinated by what you do. I admire your work greatly!”

“It’s ok, you can stop now,” Jenny laughed, shutting down the computer and turning around to face the doctor.

Of course, he’d never disparage her work, she thought affectionately, as she got up and put her hands on his hips to guide him over to the bed, backwards.

“We both know that what you do is far more important and admirable. And I’m very grateful and proud that you’re such a gifted physician.”

“You think I was just trying to placate you?” McCoy asked in between covering her face with gentle kisses. “No, Jenny, I meant it. You’re amazing.”

When his legs hit the bed, he plopped down and rolled onto his back, pulling her with him, and soon all thoughts of jobs and glitches were forgotten, as she lost herself in his tender ministrations.

* * *

“You know, nobody’s expecting you to keep up your honorary shifts in sickbay, now that you have a full-time job, love. Especially not at a busy time like this,” McCoy told Hope later, as they were lying on rumpled sheets, her warm and relaxed body nestled comfortably in his arms. “I don’t want you having to work through the night for your real job, just to keep my patients happy. Even Dr. Jennifer Hope needs to rest now and then.”

He smiled, listening to the little sighs of pleasure that accompanied every stroke of his hand, as he ran his fingers lightly up and down her back. McCoy loved the cuddling and talking in bed, another one of those things he’d completely failed to appreciate before Hope. He loved the closeness, the intimacy of it. Getting to see a side of her that no one else ever saw. Especially after they’d made love and she was all drowsy looks and languid movements.

“But I love sickbay,” she purred, reaching out a hand to play with the hair on his chest. “I’ve always enjoyed working there. Besides, I want to see you, be close to you.”

Cuddling and talking after making love was also the time when Hope dropped her shields, affording McCoy rare and precious glimpses of the vulnerable girl hiding behind all the strength, efficiency, and energetic cheerfulness. It helped him look out for her, give her what she really needed. But this time, her words had struck a nerve. This was about what had ruined his previous relationships.

“Do you really feel you need to come to sickbay to see me, love?” he asked quietly, not quite able to hide his uneasiness. “Am I neglecting you?”

“Neglecting me?” Hope repeated, sounding genuinely surprised, and McCoy let out a soft sigh of relief.

“Not at all, Leonard, whatever gave you that idea?” she laughed before continuing in a more serious tone, as she copped on to why the thought bothered him so much. “I simply love to be around you every chance I get. But that doesn’t mean I feel neglected when you’re at work.”

McCoy had rolled onto his side and propped himself up on one elbow, so that he could search her face closely. But he detected no trace of disappointment or reproach in her eyes. Only love and happiness. A happiness he still found hard to believe he had helped to put there.

“There’s so much going on in my life, Leonard, with work, with my friends, I certainly don’t need you to babysit or entertain me. I just love you. And I certainly don’t feel neglected right now,” she chuckled, giving him a naughty wink before pulling his head down for a passionate kiss.

* * *

A week later, the Enterprise arrived at their next destination, _Trias_ , a small planet full of valuable resources and prepared to negotiate a treaty with the Federation. Kirk’s orders were to escort the ambassadors and ensure their safety throughout the negotiations and their sojourn on _Trias_. The captain’s original plan had been to take only Spock and Hope, as well as a security detail of six, but now that one of the ambassadors was still convalescent, McCoy had to be included in the landing party, too.

_Not that the doctor would mind_ , Kirk thought with a grin, amused by how Bones’ attitude towards getting picked for landing parties had changed since Hope was in most of them.

Conforming to protocol, the captain had the security detail beam down first to secure the area, then followed with his officers. The ambassadors would only be transported down after Kirk’s final all clear.

Materialising in a vast clearing, surrounded be huge trees, the captain spun around and tried to take in every detail as quickly as possible, like he’d been trained to do. They hadn’t got a lot of information on _Trias_ and its population so far, and Kirk didn’t like surprises. One thing they’d been told already, was that the planet sported what would appear to be dinosaurs among its wildlife, and the captain had to admit that the boy in him felt almost disappointed at not spotting one right away.

He felt a little different about it, however, when, right at that moment, the forest seemed to come to life with roaring animal sounds. Especially, since the expected welcome committee obviously hadn’t arrived yet.

* * *

McCoy couldn’t believe his ears. They’d come here to negotiate, not to go on a safari. Or get trampled by a herd of angry dinosaurs.

_Why couldn’t anything ever just be straightforward?_

Within moments, the doctor found himself surrounded by his crewmates, their backs towards him, phasers drawn. When attacked or in danger, Starfleet officers had been trained to form a circle, facing outwards and keeping the medic protected in their middle. It was standard procedure and made sense, although McCoy always felt bad hiding behind his crewmates. With Hope around, he found it particularly hard, every fibre in his body screaming that it should be the other way around, that _he_ should be the one protecting _her_.

He had, however, learned not to voice such thoughts in Hope’s presence. She was very touchy on the subject, probably because she’d spent the first twenty years of her life in a world that still treated women as weak and inferior. Hard to imagine really. As he saw it, he was always protective, and especially of loved ones, because it was in his nature, what had made him become a doctor in the first place, just like she longed for security, because she had lost her family and everything else that gave her stability at such a young age. Nothing to do with being male or female.

But since it was one of the few issues Hope still had with her past, he cut her some slack when she overcompensated. No matter how much he knew she liked feeling safe and protected when it was just the two of them, the moment she went into Starfleet officer mode, she was nothing but tough and efficient, and he respected that.

His mind was jolted back to the present, when a few giant dinosaur heads, that looked very much like the real thing, popped out of the woods. His eyes shifted to Hope’s back, tense like a cat’s before it pounced, but before he could decide on whether or not he really gave a damn about protocol, there was a sizzling and hissing in the air, as the animals were repelled by some kind of forcefield, almost as if there was a fence between them and the clearing.

Watching the spectacle before them in awe, the officers let out a collective breath of relief, as grips on phasers loosened and backs relaxed. McCoy stepped to Hope’s side, taking in how mesmerised she seemed by the creatures.

“This is ‘Jurassic Park’,” she whispered, her eyes glued to the scene. “Incredible. My little students would have had a field day here.”

“What little students?” the doctor asked, perplexed, watching a shadow of confusion crossing Hope’s face, too.

“Just saying that little kids in my time were absolutely obsessed with dinosaurs,” she eventually explained, her smile looking strained.

But before McCoy could question her any further, several hovercars came whizzing towards them. Apparently, their welcome committee had finally arrived.

* * *

Jenny was grateful for the diversion. What was wrong with her? Why did she keep saying things that made absolutely no sense? And in situations that definitely required her to have all her wits about her, too? If this kept happening, she’d have no choice but to tell McCoy. Keeping it a secret would be irresponsible. Although she genuinely didn’t feel as if it impaired her performance as a Starfleet officer in any way. She’d think about all of this later, after the mission. Now was not the time to question her abilities.

The Trians stepping out of the hovercars looked a bit like Terran orang-utans, which struck Jenny as an amusing contrast to their very slick vehicles. They came hurrying towards them, arms outstretched in greeting and apologising profusely for the delay that had enabled the Starfleet officers’ surprise encounter with the dinosaurs.

“They are mostly quite harmless creatures,” the leader of the local representatives, Pa-T-Ric, reassured them, after Kirk and he had made the introductions. “They can be found all over _Trias_ , but all populated areas are shielded off by forcefield fences like this. There is really nothing to worry about.”

“I see,” Kirk replied carefully, obviously not prepared to give up a healthy mistrust just yet. “And why did we have to meet here, quite obviously not in one of your more populated areas?”

“We wanted to keep the negotiations under the radar for now,” Pa-T-Ric smiled. “Not everyone on this planet is pro-Federation. Quite a few would rather not share our resources. So we chose this safe, secluded location, a place our government often uses as a retreat to discuss long and difficult decisions.”

“Forgive my curiosity,” Kirk smiled back, and Jenny was once again impressed by the captain’s easy way of talking to complete strangers, aliens he’d never met before. “But I still don’t understand why we had to beam to this clearing. Wouldn’t it have been more convenient to beam directly to your ‘safe, secluded location’?”

“Ah, but Captain,” Pa-T-Ric chuckled. “This is exactly what makes this location so safe. No one can beam in or out of there within a radius of five kilometres.”

As she listened to the conversation, Jenny was happy to see the translator working so smoothly and felt a little proud about it. She loved how it even managed to convert measuring units to relatable scales. She’d come well prepared, using every bit of information she’d been able to find about _Trias_ in advance. Thankfully, she’d also been able to fix the latest glitch in time. It had actually been Uhura, who’d helped her solve the problem in a flash of genius. Much as she appreciated her team, nothing compared to the ‘linguistic chats’ she so often had with Uhura.

* * *

When Kirk was satisfied that the place was safe enough, he had Scotty beam down the ambassadors, and the group climbed into the hovercars for the short journey, Kirk making sure that every party included one of his department heads and at least one security officer.

The government retreat turned out to be a curious blend of cottage and castle, very grand and spacious, yet somehow in harmony with nature. There was a big buffet laid out on low tables laden with all kinds of colourful fruit, berries and nuts, carefully decorated with leaves and grass. Or maybe they were there to be eaten, too.

Spock and McCoy discreetly scanned the food, but apparently the Trians had done their homework on the Federation. Everything on offer was safe to eat for all species present. For once, things really seemed to move along smoothly.


	24. Chapter 24

The negotiations made good progress. The Trians were a sensible people and had come well prepared, knowing exactly what they expected in return for their resources while staying reasonable in their demands. Not being in charge was admittedly a little hard on Kirk, who had to leave the talking to the ambassadors and was more or less confined to watching from the sidelines. But with Spock’s calming influence, he could just about cope.

The captain was always grateful for his first officer’s sharp intellect and encyclopedic knowledge, but it was at times like these, that he came to fully appreciate the empathy and subtle emotional support his reputedly emotionless friend offered. Spock always seemed keenly aware of his captain’s moods, and unfailingly came up with some helpful little remark or comment where it was needed.

Looking around the long table, the only one of his officers currently in action was Hope, busy fingers flying over her PADD, as she kept making minute adjustments to the universal translator, ensuring that all the different languages whirring around the room didn’t get confused. She was a truly valuable addition to his crew, and he was very glad he’d insisted on having her transferred back to the _Enterprise_.

Kirk let his eyes wander on to his security officers, strategically placed among the ambassadors, and was satisfied to see them attentively observing their surroundings. Sometimes he wondered, if they were there to keep the ambassadors safe from unknown dangers on _Trias_ or from each other. The captain’s gaze finally settled on McCoy, who was sitting right next to the convalescent ambassador, eyes fixed on Hope whenever he wasn’t checking the readings on his tricorder, which he frequently did.

Seeing the warmth and tenderness in McCoy’s eyes, looking at Hope, this mixture of love and pride, whenever he thought no one was watching, Kirk was suddenly struck by how impeccably professional and disciplined the two of them still were on duty. And generally, in public, come to think of it. Although knowledge of their close friendship had certainly made its way down to the last crewman, even _he_ had yet to see them so much as kiss.

The captain was probably the only one aboard the _Enterprise_ who really knew of their relationship, knew how much McCoy adored and cared for her. Bones himself had told him, when he’d needed someone to confide in while Hope had still been on the _Lexington_. But even Kirk could only imagine what they did behind closed doors, since although he’d seen them holding each other for comfort or warmth on several occasions, they’d always stayed well within the boundaries of decency. He’d actually seen McCoy be as gentle with a lot of patients over the years. Grumpy and gruff as the doctor could be, his caring bedside manner always came through when called for.

But he knew how good Hope was for his friend, too. Since she’d returned to the _Enterprise_ , Bones might not have relaxed exactly – Hope still gave him enough reason to worry – but he’d definitely been a much happier version of himself. And after seeing Hope stand by McCoy throughout the whole Joanna fiasco, even tricking him into letting her give up half of her shore leave, he was more than convinced that she genuinely loved his friend, too. He just hoped that Bones would eventually find the courage to open himself up for love, as ‘in an official relationship’, again.

Kirk was startled out of his thoughts by a sudden, grumbling noise, that sounded like thunder, and seemed to come closer at speed. Not losing a moment, the Trians jumped up from their chairs, and shouting, “Earthquake!”, started to hurriedly usher everyone towards a small staircase leading into a basement.

* * *

Jenny heard a sudden rumble, and then all hell broke loose. Everybody was being hustled downstairs into some sort of bunker, and within moments, everything around them started to vibrate, then shake.

McCoy’s eyes briefly met hers, as they both helped the ambassadors down the stairs, and she could clearly see that he wanted nothing more than to come straight over to her, to keep her safe. However he intended to do that. But just like her, he kept doing his job, and she admired that in him. No matter how much his overprotectiveness might drive her up the wall when he had the time to indulge in it, the doctor showed enormous self-restraint when his job demanded it.

Behind her, Jenny heard Beverly, one of the security officers, cry out as she lost her footing and landed at the bottom of the stairs with a thump. But all Jenny could do at that moment was hang on to the railing for dear life and ride out the earthquake.

As soon as the quaking stopped, she turned around and fell to her knees beside Beverly, who was bleeding heavily from a cut right under her eye, and had one arm twisted at an awkward angle. McCoy was there instantly, too, his eyes scanning the rest of the bunker for any other casualties as he hurried towards them. Thankfully, Beverly seemed to be the only one in need of medical assistance.

McCoy knelt down at the young security officer’s other side, gently cleaning and fixing her wound, murmuring, “You’re all right, darling”, and, “I’ve got you, sweetheart”, when she flinched at his touch.

Jenny loved watching McCoy being so gentle and caring with his patients. It was even sweet how he called them ‘darling’, or ‘sweetheart’, or ‘sugar’. She would have found it patronising coming from anyone else, but with Leonard’s Southern drawl and kindly twinkling eyes, it somehow worked. It made patients less afraid and trust him, exactly the effect he intended. It suddenly occurred to Jenny that the doctor rarely ever called her any of those terms of endearment. He usually called her ‘love’, a term he seemed to use exclusively for her, and Jenny felt her heart swell at this new and unexpected insight of how special she must be to him.

When McCoy was done with Beverly’s face, he looked intently at Jenny, mouthing, “Dislocated shoulder.”

And grateful, as always, for her additional medical training, she immediately helped him ease Beverly into a sitting-up position, holding her tight as the doctor said, “Sorry, honey, this is going to hurt for a moment,” yanking her arm back into position right at the word ‘hurt’.

Beverly’s eyes widened in surprise and pain, but before she even knew what was happening, her arm was back in place, treatment over.

“That wasn’t so bad now, was it, darling?” McCoy winked at the stunned security officer, and, with a kind smile and a little pat on her good cheek, straightened up and went on to check on everyone else in the bunker.

After maybe a minute, there was another rumble, another quake, but this time everyone was prepared and no one got hurt.

“Care to explain?” Kirk stepped towards Pa-T-Ric when the second earthquake was over. “How long will this be going on, and is this bunker even a safe place?”

“I’m terribly sorry, Captain Kirk,” Pa-T-Ric replied, and he sounded genuinely contrite. “We didn’t expect the next earthquake for at least another month.”

“Are you saying that earthquakes are a frequent occurrence on _Trias_?”

“Not too frequent, Captain, but periodically,” the Trian explained. “No more than once or twice a year. But they are usually not strong and over soon.”

“And is this a strong one?” Kirk asked.

“Well, stronger than usual,” Pa-T-Ric admitted, the fur on his back standing up, possibly with worry. “And if it comes back a third time, I suggest we head outside to the cars and take you back to the beam-up location without further delay.”

“Maybe we should do that right now?” Spock spoke up, raising a meaningful eyebrow at the captain.

“Maybe we should,” Kirk agreed, but was cut short by another rumble coming closer, as everybody braced themselves.

The third quake was equally as strong as the ones before, and even longer. So, when the shaking stopped, everyone hurried upstairs again, McCoy supporting Beverly, who was still a little wobbly on her legs. They made for the main doors as fast as they could, but were shocked at what they found outside.

Several trees had fallen over, some of them directly onto the cars, and after closer inspection they found only one functional hovercar left.

“We’ll use the one car to take you to the clearing, going back and forth,” Pa-T-Ric suggested, “so please decide on who we should take first. And I strongly recommend that the rest of you follow me on foot in the meantime. We want to get you back to safety as soon as possible.”

The oldest and least mobile of the ambassadors were bundled into the first car with Beverly, and the rest broke into a run, following the Starfleet officers and Trians in the direction of the clearing.

The car had just come back and left with the second party, when another rumble heralded the arrival of the next quake, and everybody dropped to the ground covering their heads with their arms, Starfleet officers trying to protect the ambassadors as well as themselves.

Jenny briefly caught McCoy’s gaze, needing to feel his comforting presence and to communicate her love, and was rewarded with a reassuring wink and a warm smile. It never ceased to amaze her how the restless and fretful, perpetually worried doctor turned into a tower of strength and calm confidence the moment a real crisis arose.

The fourth quake was really frightening, or maybe it just felt worse without the protection of the bunker, but Jenny started to get seriously scared, when the first cracks appeared, and the ground seemed to be ripped open in several places.

“Let’s keep going!” Pa-T-Ric shouted over the noise, “We don’t know how much longer the forcefields will hold up!”

 _Oh, boy!_ Jenny thought, imagining the dinosaurs on the loose on top of everything. _This keeps getting better_.

Everybody got to their feet again, and Jenny saw McCoy even manage to fix a nasty looking gash on Peterson’s arm while running, after the security officer had been hit by a falling branch.

_What was it about Peterson and falling branches?_

The doctor never even broke his stride, Jenny noted, impressed. And that was the man who constantly complained about being too old for everything.

The single bouts had turned into one endless, rumbling quake, and it was getting harder and harder to stay upright. Jenny was comically reminded of a movie called ‘Ice Age’, she’d once seen in her old life. She felt like this squirrel chasing its acorn, only she wasn’t an animated character, she was in actual fact running for her life. Watching every step carefully, Jenny tried to avoid the cracks that kept opening up in the ground with increasing frequency, while simultaneously trying to keep an eye on the remaining ambassadors.

By the time the hovercar picked up the third party, Spock had managed to establish contact with the _Enterprise_ , and Jenny heard Scotty tell Kirk that the first two parties had already been beamed back aboard safely.

Jenny was starting to feel relieved as they approached the beam-up location, when, out of the corner of her eye, she saw one of the ambassadors stumble and slip, rapidly disappearing into one of the rifts. She reflexively darted over to try and help, at the same time as Peterson reached for the ambassador’s hand to pull him back up.

What happened next, was all a bit of a blur, but Jenny was somehow knocked off balance and tripped while helping to haul the frightened ambassador up again. She tried to hang on to the ledge, but her fingers lost their grip during another quake, and suddenly she was sliding, falling, tumbling.

She heard McCoy cry out her name in horror and knew that she should be afraid. But she felt no fear, no terror, just a dull sense of disbelief that this should be happening. The only thing she could think of as she fell, were Leonard’s reassuring wink and smile, telling her that everything would be all right. And then – nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the literal cliffhanger! 😅  
> I'll try to update again soon. Promise! 😇


	25. Chapter 25

McCoy felt his heart stop, as he struggled to comprehend what had just happened. Practically flying over to the ledge, crying out Hope’s name over and over again, all he knew was that he needed to go after her. And if not for Spock’s presence of mind, the Vulcan arriving at the ledge seconds before the doctor and forcefully holding him back, he might have done just that. Gone after her over the edge.

It took a few moments of fighting the first officer, before the horror of the situation and the futility of jumping after her finally caught up with him.

“What are you waiting for? We need to get down there!” he yelled at Kirk, who hesitated only slightly before shaking his head.

“We need to get the rest of the ambassadors back on the _Enterprise_ first,” the captain said quietly.

“Are you out of your mind, Jim?” McCoy panicked, refusing to believe what he’d just heard.

Surely, Kirk couldn’t be serious.

“What are you even saying? That we just leave her and get on with our business as if nothing happened? Hope just fell off a cliff, for Christ’s sake!”

“I know, Bones,” the captain replied, and McCoy didn’t recognise his friend anymore.

The Jim he knew could never be so cold, so cruel, would never just leave a crew member behind. _Any_ crew member.

Kirk looked away, so the doctor couldn’t see the pain in his eyes, as he said the words that needed to be said with the remaining ambassadors breathing down his neck.

“We’ll be back as soon as we can, Bones, I promise. But the safety of _all_ the ambassadors still has to be our primary concern on this mission. Failing to ensure that, we could start an interstellar war.”

McCoy was beside himself. Right now, he didn’t give a damn about risking an interstellar war.

“My God, Jim!” he exploded, almost insane with fear and desperation, and getting more frantic with every word. “This is Jenny we’re talking about! And she needs help. Not later, but now. She’s all alone and injured, in a place crawling with dinosaurs and who knows what else. I’m not going to lose her over some Federation business.”

“You don’t even know if...” Spock spoke up, but was silenced mid-sentence by a sharp look from Kirk.

“Let’s get going, Doctor,” the captain ordered brusquely. “The sooner everybody gets back to the _Enterprise_ , the sooner we can return for Hope. You’re a Starfleet officer, and so is she. We all knew what we signed up for when we joined the Fleet.”

When McCoy saw that Kirk was serious, he changed tactics.

“I’ll go alone then. Let me stay. Don’t make me commit insubordination, Jim,” he pleaded. “I can’t just leave her. If for no other reason than my having taken an oath. The ambassadors are all right, I fixed everyone else, you don’t need me. You fulfil your duty, please let me fulfil mine.”

Kirk turned around and McCoy finally saw the pain and frustration in his eyes, clearly reflecting his own fear and concern for Hope.

“All right,” the captain nodded slowly. “You’re on your own, Bones. Good luck and take care!”

“Thank you, Jim,” the doctor whispered, as he turned around and raced off to find a path down the newly formed precipice.

* * *

As he was making his way down the steep, slippery slope, shouting out Hope’s name in between listening for dinosaurs, McCoy tried not to imagine the worst. How often had she told him that you got what you expected? He didn’t really believe in her universe-vibrations-voodoo, but he definitely didn’t want to take a risk, either. She’d make it. She had to. Losing her was not an option. All he needed to do was find her in time. She was young and strong, she was a fighter and a survivor. And she was loved like no one had ever been loved before.

“Jenny!” he shouted again at the top of his lungs, when he reached the bottom, then went back to straining his ears for a reply.

“Over here, Leonard!” came a small voice, not too far away.

McCoy broke into a run, the widest grin spreading across his face, as tears of joy started to run down his cheeks. She was alive. She was coherent. She’d be fine. Probably passed out and just woken up, judging from her weak voice. She must have slid down the precipice rather than fallen. His medical mind went into overdrive, as he raced towards where the voice had come from.

“Keep talking to me, love!” he called out. “Anything. Just to let me know where you are!”

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” Hope laughed, and the sound made his heart leap with joy. “Uh, and you might want to know that I don’t think I’m seriously injured.”

His heart made another leap, albeit a cautious one. With her endless faith in his medical skills, Hope would still say that if one of her limbs was just barely hanging on by a thread, wouldn’t she?

Through the thicket ahead, he could already glimpse a speck of Starfleet red, lying on the ground, poking out from underneath a giant fallen tree, and his legs picked up speed on their own accord. Moments later, he was by Hope’s side, dropping to his knees, trembling and panting. Instantly going into doctor-mode, he checked her for any visible injuries, then started running his tricorder meticulously over her entire body before even saying hello.

“Have you been unconscious?” he asked in lieu of a greeting.

“I was,” she confirmed. “Obviously bumped my head on the way down.”

“Any idea for how long?”

“Not really. Well, how long’s it been since I fell anyway?”

“Not too long, twenty minutes, maybe? Tops.”

“So, you broke a sprinting record for me,” Hope grinned at him still catching his breath from the run, then softly added, “I knew you’d come, Leonard. I knew you’d always keep me safe.”

McCoy’s breath hitched in his chest, as he finally set his tricorder aside, satisfied with the readings, and leaned down to kiss her.

“It’s a miracle,” he whispered, choking back fresh tears. “ _You’re_ a miracle. Not a single scratch on you.”

Hope chuckled, gingerly touching a hand to her forehead and holding out a blood-smeared finger to him.

“Well, maybe one or two,” the doctor amended smilingly, gently dabbing her forehead with an antiseptic wipe from his medikit while tenderly caressing her face, “but nothing that can’t be cured with a tissue.”

“How fortunate, then, that you’re the best doctor in the galaxy,” Hope teased, pulling him down for another kiss, before adding more seriously, “There’s still the small matter of being trapped under a tree, though.”

“There is,” McCoy sighed, getting up and inspecting the giant conifer that had fallen on top of her, pinning her to the ground with its many, enormous branches.

How Hope had managed not to get herself crushed was beyond him, but he was certainly not going to question her luck. _His_ luck. He gave one branch a tentative tug, but soon realised there was no way he’d be able to move it.

_Dammit!_

“We’ll have to find a way of wrestling you out of under there,” he stated the obvious, while silently adding, _Before the next quake sets in_. “Any chance you can wriggle out?”

“I’ve already tried, Leonard, believe me,” she groaned, “but there’s no room to move my legs or hips at all. Can’t you just use your phaser to cut me loose?”

“I’ll have to think of another way of cutting that damn tree into pieces, love” the doctor grumbled. “I don’t dare to use my phaser this close to your body.”

“Maybe I can help,” a deep voice suddenly sounded beside him.

“Spock!” McCoy cried, incredible relief washing over him. “What the hell are _you_ doing here?”

“I’m delighted to see you, too, Doctor,” Spock replied dryly. “And you, of course, Lieutenant. Fortunately, I could convince the captain that I was dispensable, too, and that, however convenient your medical skills might prove in this situation, you’re certainly ill-equipped to carry out a rescue mission all by yourself.”

McCoy bit back a retort. He could hardly argue with that, could he?

“Well, I’ve certainly never been happier to see those pointed ears of yours, Mr. Spock,” he said instead, feeling, in fact, rather touched that the Vulcan had come after him, even though he’d never say that out loud.

Without further ado, Spock let his hands glide along the thickest branch pinning Hope down, until he was satisfied with his grip, then looked questioningly at the Lieutenant.

“Are you prepared to move quickly, if I manage to lift this branch for approximately five seconds?”

“Approximately?” McCoy couldn’t resist remarking, still giddy with relief. “No decimals today, Spock?”

The first officer barely spared him a glance.

“I don’t see the point, since Lt. Hope wouldn’t find it helpful in any way.”

“I’m ready, Mr. Spock,” Hope spoke up, understandably eager to get out of her predicament.

McCoy watched in awe, as Spock clenched his teeth and, with a very un-Vulcan groan, actually managed to lift the branch in question long enough for Hope to slip out.

“Oh my God, thank you Mr. Spock!” she exclaimed as she scrambled to her feet, shaking out and checking her legs, and for a moment McCoy thought she was going to hug the Vulcan.

She ended up brushing off and straightening out her uniform, however, and giving the doctor a delighted hug instead. McCoy briefly hugged her back, trying hard not to crush her in his relief, before slinging his medikit back over his shoulder and quickly pulling her along after Spock.

“Beam-up to the _Enterprise_ should be possible from a location 274.816 metres from here,” the first officer informed them, as he strode ahead, giving them the number down to three decimals and, at least to McCoy’s ears, sounding incredibly smug about it.

* * *

Only a few hours later, after another thorough check-up in sickbay, confirming that she’d come out of this adventure without so much as a bruise or a sprain, Jenny found herself back in the bed and the arms of the man she loved more than life itself.

Cuddling up to McCoy, she knew she’d been incredibly lucky, and couldn’t be more grateful. To fate, and to Leonard. And from the way he was holding her closer than usual, it was obvious that he still couldn’t quite believe she was unharmed, either.

“Thank you for saving my life,” she murmured softly, but the doctor shushed her with a gentle finger to her lips.

“Let me just hold you,” he whispered, as she felt his tears starting to trickle through her hair.

Jenny felt awful, knowing that she was, once again, the source of his distress, when all she ever wanted was to make him happy. How was she ever going to make this up to him?

“I know that I often make you feel like I don’t appreciate you being so protective of me,” Jenny began again after a while, “but truth is, I do. More than I care to admit.”

“You know, there’s no shame in accepting help, or letting someone else take care of you once in a while,” McCoy said softly, releasing her from his embrace, so that she could turn around and look at him, his eyes still moist and a little red-rimmed. “Even if you’re a woman and, sometimes, the one helping you out happens to be a man.”

Jenny smiled sheepishly at him. Of course, he’d long discovered the reason why she always felt the need to prove herself. It really shouldn’t surprise her.

“Even when the one, who happens to be a man, has a tendency towards being overprotective?” she couldn’t help teasing him.

“Especially then,” he grinned, kissing her on the nose, and Jenny was happy to see him cheering up again.

“Right. Even if I sound like I’m in a therapy session, thank you once again for rescuing me today,” Jenny smiled. “And generally, for protecting me the way you do. I know I don’t always make it easy for you.”

That earned her a snort from McCoy. And another gentle kiss, before he pulled her close again, tenderly cradling her head to his chest. Safe and warm in his arms, exactly what she craved. But, surely, he knew that, too.

“Seriously, Leonard. Thank you for always trying to keep me safe. For being my protector.”

“Some protector I am,” he chuckled self-deprecatingly. “I couldn’t have done it without Spock’s help today.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” Jenny lifted her head, and lovingly looked into his eyes. “I think you probably would have.”

McCoy just gazed at her, tenderly brushing some stray curls out of her face.

“But making me feel safe and protected has little to do with your physical strength, anyway,” she went on. “It’s about the strength of your love just as much as about your incredible abilities as a healer. And, of course, about knowing that you’d do anything for me, just like I’d do anything for you. You came back for me today, all by yourself. That alone is enough to make me feel safe. I trust that wherever I’ll be, you’ll never stop looking for me. And that whatever happens to me, you can fix it. Or if you can’t, at least you’ll never stop trying.”

Seeing the emotion in his eyes, Jenny kissed him tenderly on the lips. It felt good to open up and talk about this.

“I wasn’t afraid today, not even while I was falling,” she said, hearing the wonder in her own voice at the memory, as she nestled back into his arms. “You were there, and I somehow knew that it was going to be fine. And even if you might not be able to save me one day, you can be sure that I’ll feel hopeful to the end, because I just know that you’d never give up on me.”


	26. Chapter 26

Deeply touched by Hope’s words, McCoy’s heart was brimming over with love. What she’d just described was exactly how he’d always hoped to make her feel. Ever since he’d overheard her explaining this beautiful German expression to Uhura, that time in the mess, ages ago.

 _Geborgen_.

They hadn’t been more than colleagues then, really, and yet, looking back, he knew he’d already been irrevocably in love.

“Tell me, love,” he asked, smiling down at her and suddenly feeling the need to hold her extra gently, her slight frame seeming even more fragile to him than before. “Does that mean you feel ‘geborgen’ with me?”

“Of course, I do, Leonard,” she chuckled, sounding surprised at the question, “very much so.”

“That’s good,” he murmured, his voice rough with emotion.

“How do you even know this word?” she asked, intrigued, turning around and pushing herself up to look at him.

The doctor let his gaze drift off into the distance, casting his mind back in time to when he’d first heard the expression.

“I've actually known it for quite some time,” he smiled, “and I've wanted you to feel that way ever since I first heard it.”

“Oh, come on, tell me already! Where _did_ you first hear it?” Jenny, ever curious, whined and impatiently poked him in the ribs.

“All right, all right, I’ll tell you,” McCoy chuckled, always enjoying teasing her a little. “It was soon after you first came aboard. You were discussing linguistics with Uhura, talking about how some words were so hard to translate, because they had no equivalent in other languages. ‘Geborgen’ was one example.”

“I dimly remember this conversation with Nyota,” Hope wrinkled her nose in concentration, one of her many adorable mannerisms, “but I don't recall you being there.”

“Never mind, love, you were deeply engrossed in the subject,” McCoy remembered fondly, “and I was having a coffee at the next table, happy to just sit there and listen to the two of you nattering away. I recall thinking what a beautiful word it was, and how a girl like you should always feel that way.”

He took a deep breath, suddenly overcome with emotion, as it hit him how much he’d already cared for her even then.

“But it wasn’t just the word and all that it stands for, that resonated with me. It was the way you explained it, the way you talked about it so passionately, your voice so full of longing, that went straight to my heart. I could tell that you hadn’t just chosen a random example, but that this word held a lot of meaning for you personally. It was quite obviously something you deeply longed for.”

Hope’s eyes were growing wide, as she listened attentively. She was obviously only just beginning to understand quite how much attention he’d been paying to her from the beginning.

“I’ve wanted you to feel that way ever since,” he continued, reaching out to gently cup her cheek in his hand. “Every time I held you – or even just your hand, when you were scared or injured or troubled, I’d think, _Please, let her feel ‘geborgen’ now_. Like on your first assignment, when you were too scared to sleep. Or when you finally confided in me about your secret past. When I held your hand after you’d told me about what your friend’s father had done to you. And the night after, when I held you all night, sleeping in that cave. Or when I held you in my arms, shaken and shivering, after we'd saved that little girl from the pool. Those and all the other times, I was hoping to make you feel ‘geborgen’.”

* * *

“And you _did_ , Leonard,” Jenny exclaimed, losing herself in his tender eyes, her heart melting, as she realised just how much she’d meant to him from the start. “Every time. All the time. You’ve made me feel ‘geborgen’ since my very first day on the _Enterprise_. Since long before we became lovers. Before you even knew the word. Because that's what you do, who you are. You give people ‘Geborgenheit’.”

She could sense McCoy’s emotion as he pulled her close again, and happily snuggled into his warm and loving embrace.

Her mind wandered back to the cave he’d mentioned earlier, making her smile.

“That night in the cave, you know,” she began, reaching up to caress his face.

“What about it, love?” he murmured, nuzzling her hair and nestling his cheek into the palm of her hand.

“That was the best night of my life,” she sighed dreamily.

“Oh?” he responded, and she could practically hear him lift an indignant eyebrow.

“Until then, at least,” she clarified quickly, chuckling when he grunted his approval.

“Seriously, Leonard,” Jenny went on, gently tracing his expressive eyebrow with her thumb, “lying in your arms that night, I remember thinking that, even on the cold, hard floor of a draughty and damp cave, I felt happier and more ‘geborgen’ than I’d ever felt before in my life. In fact, I probably didn’t realise the full meaning of the word until that night.”

* * *

McCoy exhaled deeply, taking a few moments to absorb her words, and letting them warm his heart and soul. His mind drifting back to that cave, he drew immense pleasure from knowing that he’d managed to make her feel the way he’d intended.

“You’re right,” he said at last, “that night was very special. It might well have been the night that changed everything.”

“How’s that?” she asked, intrigued, and he could hear how much she was enjoying this conversation, revelling in the memories of that particular night. “Was that the night you fell in love with me?”

“Oh no,” he chuckled, giving her an affectionate squeeze and planting a tender kiss on her head.

Her eagerness to make a trip down memory lane was tangible, and he was happy to indulge her.

“I fell head over heels in love with you the moment I first saw you. But that night in the cave was probably the first time I admitted it – if only to myself. Holding you like that, there was no more denying that what I felt for you was much more than just fatherly affection. I remember lying awake for nights afterwards, longing to hold you again, yet tormenting myself over the aberration of my feelings for you and blaming myself for letting it go that far. But, as we both know, in the end it still took a lot more time after that, an amazing vacation and some serious convincing on your side, until I finally gave in to the inevitable.”

He paused a little, shaking his head in silent wonder.

“What a waste of time. But then, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Getting to know you as I did, falling in love with you a little more every day, was just wonderful.”

“I know exactly what you mean, Leonard,” Hope said softly, regarding him tenderly. “It was just the same for me. Drawn to you from the moment we met and I volunteered to work in sickbay. Wanting to be near you and trying to stay away at the same time, for fear of being too obvious. Convincing myself that I was too young for you to take me seriously, that you’d never be interested in me as a woman.”

McCoy snorted and let his hands roam all over her body, smiling when he felt her shiver with longing.

“And what a woman you are,” he crooned. “All woman. Even though I agree, you were far too young, it was impossible to ignore your charms, I can tell you!”

Laughing and squirming a little under his teasing touch, she went on, “I adored you, Leonard. I admired you, and I was more than content to just be your friend. Even though it was obvious that you cared about me, I thought that was just part of being the kind of doctor you are. And I was, of course, perfectly aware that you were trying to gain my trust, hoping that I would open up about my past. But when I slipped into your arms that night in the cave, it felt like… it’s hard to explain… like coming home, like I belonged there. It was the most wonderful feeling. I even dreamed about you gently kissing me goodnight, practically feeling your lips in my hair.”

She shook her head, chuckling softly at the memory.

“You were still awake then?” McCoy burst out, still embarrassed after all this time.

“You mean,” Hope asked guardedly, “I wasn’t imagining it after all?”

“No, my love,” he replied guiltily. “I really _did_ brush a kiss on your hair that night, when I thought you were fast asleep.”

He fell silent, ashamed of having lost control and taken advantage of the situation, if just for a single moment. It was against everything he believed in, definitely against his moral code as a doctor and as an officer. He’d been in charge, responsible for her, and she’d trusted him. And even though it had just been one innocent kiss on her head, he suddenly felt the need to explain.

“You have no idea what I was going through that evening,” McCoy sighed, unable to look her in the eye. “What being so close to you was doing to me. Our very private conversations, our voices so beautifully in harmony when we passed the time with that singing competition. I just couldn’t help myself, I simply had to let out some of all those pent-up emotions.”

He puffed out a self-conscious chuckle.

“And then, with you lying there in my arms, so completely trusting and peacefully asleep, or at least that’s what I thought,” he chortled, “I was overwhelmed by the intensity of my feelings. Completely unprepared for the depth of my love for you. And your pressing up against me while you were trying to get comfortable didn’t exactly help.”

“Wow,” was all Hope got out, quite obviously blown away by his revelation. “If only I’d known.”

She kissed him tenderly on the lips, lost in her own sweet memories of that night, and apparently not sharing his view that what he’d done had been in any way indecent. Looking at her sweet face, he could feel the romance of the night in that cave every bit as intensely as he had then.

“Every time I think I couldn’t possibly love you any more than I already do, you go and say or do something that makes me fall in love with you all over again,” she murmured, and McCoy was thrilled to know that he could still touch her this deeply with his words.

* * *

“Anyway,” Jenny continued after a while, “after that night there was no denying that I was madly in love with you. Not only as my friend and mentor, but in every sense of the word. Nevertheless, it took an amazing vacation, as you put it, for me to feel confident that our age difference didn’t really matter to you, that you didn’t mind my lack of experience, and…”

“Silly us,” McCoy cut in, shaking his head, “there you were worrying about being too young and inexperienced, while I fretted over being too old to keep up with your youthful vigour.”

Jenny nodded, amusement lighting up her face and eyes.

“Sorry,” McCoy said softly, “I rudely interrupted you there. You were saying?”

“I was saying,” she smiled, feeling a little mischievous, “it took an amazing holiday and some minor signs of jealousy on your part, to finally make me realise that you might see me as a woman rather than a girl after all.”

Seeing McCoy flush a deep red at that, she could hardly keep from laughing out loud.

“Jealous? Me? You must be kidding!” he growled.

“Oh come on, I thought it was just so sweet,” she giggled.

“It was pathetic,” he grumbled, not even trying to deny it any longer. “And not something I’m proud of, either, I can tell you. But if it helped bring us together, I’ll gladly admit to it. I’ve never known jealousy like this before. And I certainly didn’t have the right to feel it, when we weren’t even together. But then, I’ve never before loved anyone else the way I love you, either.”

Jenny’s heart leapt with joy, hearing him declare his love for her like that. He was such a wonderful man, so special, and everything to her. And even though she knew how he felt about her, she could never get enough of hearing him say it out loud.

“Honestly,” McCoy went on uncomfortably, still dwelling on the subject, “I’ve never been the jealous type before. Not excessively, anyway. When someone left me for someone else, I always thought I deserved it. And when I found out that Jocelyn was cheating on me, I was more angry than jealous. The love was already gone.”

Jenny was sorry to have brought this up in the first place. She’d only meant to tease him a little, not upset him. But of course, she should have guessed that after Jocelyn, everything to do with infidelity would be a touchy subject for him.

“But with you, it’s different. Everything is,” McCoy continued quietly, and the earnest look on his face told her how important this was to him. “You’re special, Jenny. You’re … sacred to me, there is no other word for it. The thought of anyone else touching you the way I’m allowed to, makes me sick.”

“Me too,” she smiled, hoping to ease his mind and meaning every word. “I wouldn’t want anyone else to touch me that way, either.”

Then, thinking of all the delicious ways the doctor loved to touch her, she added with a grin, “Not that I think anyone could.”

* * *

McCoy felt heat rising inside him at her words, her cheeky grin telling him exactly what she was thinking right now. And although he was mentally kicking himself for having pursued the subject at all, he was grateful that she’d so expressly assured him of her faithfulness. Not that he thought her to be the cheating kind anyway. She might leave him one day, yes, but she’d certainly never cheat on him, of that he was sure.

“You don’t still feel jealous, do you?” Hope broke into his thoughts, the gentle concern in her eyes reminding him that she’d never mock his insecurities. “My dancing with Pavel, for example. Does it bother you?”

“No, of course not,” he was quick to reply.

Although he had to admit that watching her in Chekov's arms still rankled a little. But Hope was true and loyal to a fault, there was no doubt about it, and he really liked the young Russian, too. And even though it was obvious that the boy was still as infatuated with her as ever, Hope had never given him reason to believe that she felt anything but friendship for Pavel.

McCoy didn’t know how convincing he’d sounded, but Hope chose not to doubt his answer. And she certainly didn't offer to stop dancing with Chekov. He'd never ask her to give up something she loved on his behalf, no matter his feelings, and she knew that. 

“I’m sorry I brought this whole jealousy thing up, Leonard,” Jenny smiled, kissing him softly and looking him straight in the eye. “And I certainly didn’t mean for you to explain or defend yourself. I just wanted to tease you a little, because it was extremely sweet and flattering at the time. And totally unfounded, I can assure you. I haven’t been interested in any other man since the day we first met. It sounds soppy, I know, but that’s just the way it is.”

“Can’t be too sappy for me,” McCoy countered, emphasising his use of the American term, touched by the way she’d tried to put him at ease, so typically Hope, always acutely aware of people’s sensibilities and needs.

Speaking of which, he thought, feeling another kind of need demanding to be taken care of. It would seem their conversation had made him want her more than ever. So, before she could say any more, he covered her mouth with a hungry kiss.

“I just can wait any longer, love,” he murmured against her lips. “That night in the cave? You want to know what I felt? I think I really need to show you rather than just talk about it.”

And remembering how he’d hardly been able to contain himself when she’d pressed up against him that night, trying to get comfortable in his arms, he felt a sudden urge to get even.

So, with a wicked glint in his eye that Jenny recognised only too well, and which sent a pleasant shiver of anticipation through her, the doctor focused all his skilful attention on her magnificent body. Grateful for every little thing in their past that had brought them together and led to the wonderfully fulfilling relationship they had now. 


	27. Chapter 27

Hardly feeling his legs anymore, McCoy was dragging his exhausted body through the corridors towards his quarters. It had only been a week, but the evening cuddled up in bed with Hope, basking in memories and their love, seemed like a lifetime ago.

He remembered lying awake in the small hours of the next morning, unable to go back to sleep after having woken from yet another nightmare of Hope falling down crevices and worse. Still rattled by the events of the previous day, all he’d really wanted was to feel her warm and very alive body, peacefully asleep, nestled against him. It hadn’t been the first time, he’d come this close to losing her. And it very probably wouldn’t be the last. But he was certainly never going to get used to the feeling.

He wouldn’t have minded staying in bed forever, just holding her and keeping her from each and every harm, but of course, that was never going to happen. Instead, just like the dutiful officers they were, they’d got up in time for their shifts, and had helped pick up the pieces after the Trian earthquake debacle.

Fortunately, _Trias_ hadn’t had to report many casualties, so the Trians had politely declined Kirk’s offer of additional medical support. They had, however, gratefully accepted the _Enterprise’s_ geologists’ help, appreciating their vast experience and access to the Federation’s knowledge banks regarding earthquakes. And, of course, the negotiations had to continue as well.

Kirk and McCoy had had a heart to heart over breakfast, Kirk’s refusal to go after Hope still hanging between them. But, as always, they’d quickly made up, both apologising and accepting the other’s apology in return. It was how their friendship worked. They didn’t need many words. With the Andorian ambassador already aboard, and the Tellarite ambassador still on the planet, McCoy acknowledged that Kirk hadn’t really had a choice, and that the decision had been hard on the captain, too, whereas Kirk admitted he’d been sure that the doctor would never leave Hope behind, and had, in fact, counted on him disobeying his orders and going after her anyway.

Besides, Kirk always cut Bones some slack regarding the way he talked to his captain. Or any superior for that matter. And frankly, he wouldn’t even want the doctor to hold back. His friend’s unfiltered words had often proved invaluable input, and the captain had come to rely on McCoy to speak his mind. Whether or not to follow the doctor’s advice, remained Kirk’s decision, after all.

As peacefully as the morning had started for McCoy, the respite from his fretting had been very brief, indeed, as by the end of the day, the doctor had had a sickbay full of security officers fighting for their lives after saving one careless ambassador from his own folly and getting themselves severely poisoned in the process.

_Damn ambassadors!_

Apparently, this idiot had been intent on getting a good look at the dinosaurs, and found a way to deactivate part of the forcefield. Finding himself attacked right after setting foot, or rather hoof, on the other side, the security detail had had no choice but to go after him and save his hide. Regrettably, while able to drive away the assaulting beasts, they’d got themselves stung by some symbiotic insects that turned out to be highly toxic for humans hours later, after they’d already returned to the _Enterprise_. 

Even with the Trians’ support, who’d instantly supplied all the information they had on the insects in question, it had taken McCoy almost two days to find an effective antidote. Two days of continuous lab work, while at the same time doing everything to keep the wide range of symptoms at bay. And not just rashes or itches, either, but severe symptoms like sudden heart or lung failure or temporary blindness.

With all this going on, the doctor hadn’t left sickbay for a minute those first two days and nights, and even when everybody had been given the antidote, he hadn’t really dared to leave his patients alone for long. In sum, McCoy had spent exactly half a night in his quarters all week, and then he’d been far too anxious and exhausted for more than a little cuddle with Hope. Spending actual time with her seemed like a distant memory.

Not for lack of trying on her side, though, he was ashamed to admit. Having to attend the negotiations all day, she hadn’t had a lot of time to spend in sickbay, like she normally most certainly would have. But she’d still tried to find time for a quick coffee in the evenings, at least. Every time she’d shown up, however, bearing gifts in the form of steaming coffee mugs, he’d found himself talking about nothing but his current medical issues. He knew, of course, how much she needed to talk about her day, share her experiences, too, but he’d simply not been able to really pay attention to any of her stories. Frankly, just seeing that she’d come back from _Trias_ in one piece, had been all he’d needed to know.

Hope, unsurprisingly, had claimed she understood, letting him prattle on about his thoughts and theories, listening attentively to all his fears and problems. And he didn’t doubt that she did. So far, she’d always been very understanding where his job was concerned. The only question was, for how much longer? Would she always put up with him being busy elsewhere for days, or weeks at a time? Or would she start turning to other people sooner or later? People – men – with time to spare, who were there for her? Like Chekov, for example? Maybe Jocelyn had been understanding, too, in the beginning. He honestly couldn’t remember.

So, now, McCoy was standing outside his quarters with a guilty conscience and mixed feelings, both longing to finally be with Hope again, but at the same time fully expecting her to be in a huff with him. All his fears were allayed, of course, the moment he entered and she came flying into his arms, wrapping him in love and tender kisses. He really should have known.

Drawing back a little, Hope’s eyes took on a concerned look. 

"Oh, Leonard, you look exhausted!” she exclaimed, eyes glistening with compassion. “Come on, let me take care of you." 

Taking him by the hand, she pulled him over to the bed, gently stripping him of his clothes along the way, made him lie down on his stomach, and started to massage his aching body. 

“You’ve given your all this past week,” she murmured softly, as her hands caressed his back and shoulders. “Now it’s time to let go. No more decisions today, no more responsibilities. You just rest and let me take over.”

_She's definitely too good to be true_ , were his last coherent thoughts, before surrendering to her gentle hands and giving in to the blissful feeling of being pampered and cared for.

* * *

Jenny had expected a worn out and tired McCoy to come back to his quarters that night, and had already made preparations for a relaxed evening, wanting to make him comfortable and spoil him a little after the week he’d had. But when she saw how completely drained he looked, her heart went out to him.

She admired how committed he was to his job and his patients. The way he was a healer with all his heart was one of the things she loved so much about him. But his devotion sometimes bordered on self-destruction, and she’d made it her mission to look after him, whenever he was too caught up in his medical duties.

Only this time, with the negotiations going on, unfortunately, she hadn’t been around all that much. Christine, of course, always tried her best, too, taking as many responsibilities off the CMS’s hands as she could. But with everything going on in sickbay during the past week, the nurse had probably hardly been able to look after herself, let alone the doctor.

At least she could be here for him now, Jenny thought, looking fondly at Leonard’s familiar form, while her hands were trying to ease away the tension in his muscles. And she seemed to be doing a good job, judging from the little sighs and moans of pleasure her touches drew from him.

“I don’t deserve you, love,” he murmured sleepily, making her smile.

“No, you don’t,” she laughed affectionately, “you deserve much better.”

At that, McCoy turned around, rolling over onto his back, to look at her, the unbridled love in his eyes nearly taking her breath away.

“You know, I came here with a guilty conscience, love,” he smiled ruefully at her, “fully expecting you to be cross with me, or at least upset for having shamefully neglected you. But you gave me this prodigal-son-returns-home hug instead and said those magic words.”

“What magic words?” Jenny chuckled, leaning down to press a gentle kiss on his lips.

“Let me take care of you,” McCoy answered dreamily, his eyelids drooping, and was fast asleep moments later.

Jenny gazed at his beautiful face, so relaxed and serene in sleep now, overwhelmed, once again, by the depth of her love for him. He more than deserved to be taken care of, and she was grateful that he let her, given that he usually liked it the other way round.

He was such a wonderful man, so very caring and generous, no matter how hard he tried to hide it behind his affected surliness. And she felt a rush of immense happiness every time she was reminded of what a special place she held in this big heart of his.


	28. Chapter 28

McCoy and Hope were standing side by side on the observation deck, gazing out at the stars in companionable silence. Not quite touching, but close enough to feel each other’s warm and loving presence. The last few days, since they’d left the _Trias_ system, had been blissfully peaceful, and between sickbay being unusually quiet, and Hope being busy doing all the things that Hope liked to do in her free time, the doctor had had time to reflect on their relationship.

He’d found that he always tried to be strong for her, to look out for her and protect her, because that was how he liked to see himself, what he wanted to be in his heart. But on closer inspection, truth was that even in the beginning, long before they’d become lovers, she’d been there for him just as much as he’d been there for her. He might have helped her through a difficult time during those first few months aboard the _Enterprise_ , but she’d always proven herself immensely supportive and a great source of comfort in return, basically filling his life with happiness. A kind of happiness he hadn’t known before.

And even when she’d seen him at his worst, his weakest, when he’d broken down over Joanna’s illness, she’d shown nothing but strength and support, not once wavering in her love and respect for him. He’d been terribly embarrassed about losing it so completely in front of her, but she’d been adamant that that hadn’t been weakness at all. On the contrary, she thought that functioning as a scientist while beside himself with fear for his daughter had required exceptional strength, and that, if anything, that whole episode had made her feel even safer with him.

 _How does she always find the right words?_ McCoy thought fondly, and felt the sudden need to talk about all this to Hope. To tell her how much he loved and appreciated her, loved being in a relationship with her, but at the same time to open up about his fears, too.

“Our relationship is so different from my former ones,” he began quietly. “ _You_ are so different. You never nag me about committing myself too much to my job or neglecting you.”

“Why would I?” Hope answered, sounding sincerely surprised. “It’s who you are, it’s part of why I love you. You never “nag” me about immersing myself in my work, either. Or spending time with the band, practicing, or with Pavel, dancing, for that matter.”

She chuckled, her eyes twinkling in this gently teasing, adorable way that never failed to lift his spirits.

“Seriously, Leonard,” she continued, obviously realising that he needed actual reassurance, “I don’t feel neglected at all. In fact, and please don’t take this wrong, I _need_ my time away from you. I mean, didn’t your exes have lives of their own? I enjoy spending time and doing things with my other friends, too. Just like I wouldn’t want you to turn your back on _your_ other friends. I perfectly understand if you want to spend some time alone with the captain, or Scotty, or whoever. We’re not joined at the hip.”

A naughty glint lit up her eyes.

“Although I definitely enjoy the times when our hips…”

“Stop right there!” McCoy groaned, laughing, “I get the picture, thank you very much!”

And a moment later, he winked at her and whispered, “Uh, by the way, the feeling’s mutual.”

Hope laughed out loud at that, then got serious again and held his gaze.

“What really matters, Leonard, is that, whatever I do and whoever I spend time with, I’ll be coming back to you at the end of the day. That knowledge alone is enough for me to be perfectly happy. You’re my anchor, my rock, my… home. Yes, wherever you are, is home to me.”

She uttered those last words wonderingly, as if the fact had only just occurred to her.

“You’ll be there to share my worries and my joys, just as I’ll be there to share yours. And I know that, however busy you might be, you’ll always be there for me when I really need you. What we have is perfect, Leonard. At least for me.” 

McCoy was thrown. Hope’s words had gone straight to his heart, making him tingle all over as a comforting warmth spread through his body.

“You’re amazing,” he murmured, gazing deeply into her eyes. “Not only do you accept everything I do, everything I am, without complaining, you even encourage me to stay that way. Surely, there must be something you’d like to change about me?”

“Not a single thing, Leonard. Because then you wouldn’t be you anymore,” Hope smiled lovingly, and then, eyes sparkling with mischief, added, “However, had you asked me, if I found some things about you irritating, now that would be a different story altogether…”

She jumped and laughed, when the doctor playfully poked her in the ribs for that last comment.

“Don’t be cheeky, Lieutenant!” he chided, squeezing her briefly before resuming his former position beside her, looking out at the stars.

Of course, by now everyone aboard the _Enterprise_ suspected them to be more than just friends, and McCoy was sure they’d even approve of their relationship, but being too intimate in front of the crew just didn’t feel right. And he was grateful that Hope fully agreed with him in that respect.

 _Like she seems to agree with me in most every respect_ , he thought affectionately.

McCoy let a couple of minutes pass, just enjoying their closeness and the soothing view the picture window offered, before taking up the conversation again. There was still more he needed to address.

“It’s just that, sometimes, I worry that I’m asking too much of you,” he said softly. “When I can’t stop talking about work, even when I’m off duty, and you’ll listen patiently, help me get my thoughts in order, even give me new ideas and make me see things from a different perspective.”

“But isn’t that what partners do?” Hope smiled, turning to look at him again. “Support each other? You sure have given me more than enough support of your own since we met, don’t you think?”

McCoy nodded once, taking her point.

“But I can be a real old curmudgeon when I worry about something,” he went on, not yet ready to drop the subject. “I know that. What about the times when I’m moody and cranky and not in the mood for… you know what? You’re a healthy young woman, you have your… needs.”

Hope laughed out loud, tilting her head and gazing at him with a mixture of disbelief and reproach.

“You’re not serious now, are you, Leonard?” she asked, shaking her head. “Would you try to, or even want to … you know what … with me, if I weren’t in the mood or had other things on my mind?”

“Of course not!” he shot back promptly, appalled by the very idea. “That would be nothing short of rape!”

Hope said nothing in return, but just kept looking at him, raising a knowing eyebrow.

“Oh, I see,” he mumbled after a moment and grudgingly agreed, “you’re right, of course. That was silly of me.”

Hope looked up at him with an indulgent grin, that mischievous glint, McCoy had come to love so much, returning to her eyes.

Leaning closer, she confided in a conspiratorial whisper, “But there’s something else, you know. And please don’t tell my partner I said that, but I’m okay with him not always being in the mood, because I know that he’ll be trying to make up for it the next time, and that’s really something a girl can look forward to. That’s when I get all my foot rubs and back rubs, and the most passionate … you know what… imaginable. Maybe I don’t tell him often enough – don’t want him to get big-headed, but my partner is the most wonderful lover. So, no complaints in that regard whatsoever.”

Hope straightened up again, moving slightly away from the doctor and trying hard not to guffaw, when she saw the colour that had risen to McCoy’s cheeks.

“And now you’re wondering where, the hell, she’s gone, this shy and innocent girl you first fell in love with,” she giggled, her eyes shining with mirth.

“Something along those lines, yes,” he chuckled.

“Well, I’ve got sad news for you, Doctor,” Hope responded with a look of fake regret on her face. “That girl’s gone for good. And that sure is one thing you have to take all the blame for.”

McCoy couldn’t help grinning, and squeezed her waist, before she continued.

“I mean it, Leonard. You’re a doctor,” Hope’s eyes were serious again. “You don’t stop caring about your patients when you’re off duty. You can’t quit searching for solutions until you’ve found them, when it’s a matter of life and death. And you need a sounding board, or you’d go mad with your thoughts going round and round in your head. So, what’s the big deal? When you’re pouring over a problem, I’ll listen. When you’re in the middle of an emergency, I’ll try to support you and your team the best I can. It’s the least I can do. We’re on the same side in this. In everything. And you’ve always supported me, too.”

For the umpteenth time, McCoy found himself in awe of Hope’s keen insight, belying her youth and making her seem mature beyond her age. How did she always do this? Put his fears into a few simple words and then dispel them just like that.

He admired her level-headedness and appreciated her matter-of-fact way of speaking. That no-nonsense attitude he’d come to like and rely on to help him put his own feelings into perspective. And yet, Hope was far from cold or lacking emotion. On the contrary, she was the most warm-hearted, outgoing and affectionate person he knew. Quite how she managed to unite those two sides so effortlessly within her, eluded him, and certainly never ceased to amaze him.

McCoy had always thought himself a total failure when it came to matters of the heart. Seen himself as unfit for relationships, always feeling guilty for having disappointed yet again. No matter how much he loved them, he just couldn’t make a partner happy. Up until now, that was. Until Hope. Now, all of a sudden, he considered that maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t been the only one to blame. That maybe it had been them as well. Maybe he’d just never met the right person before. For Hope surely seemed very happy with him.

* * *

Spock was sitting in a corner at the far side of the observation deck, suppressing a very un-Vulcan smile. Of course, he’d never say anything, but he was pleased that McCoy and Hope were so happy together. It certainly kept McCoy mostly out of his hair nowadays, his contentiousness having diminished somewhat. And he felt admiration for Hope coping so well with always being somewhat of an outsider in this time, feeling a sort of connection with her there.

He had, of course, been trying not to listen in on their private conversation and to concentrate on his reading instead. Why did humans keep forgetting about the sensitivity of his Vulcan ears? McCoy and Hope had been talking too quietly for any other human to overhear, but it had been more than loud enough for him to be able to make out every word.

And even though he knew that social convention demanded he respect their privacy, his curiosity had got the better of him. Curiosity being the one emotion he allowed himself to have. Even if, in this particular case, it might also have been the interest of a caring friend. Whatever it was, it certainly didn’t stop him from wondering where the two of them were headed next, when he saw them leave the observation deck holding hands shortly after.


	29. Chapter 29

Life couldn’t get any better than this, McCoy thought. A quiet sickbay, plenty of free time, and Hope, safe and sound, filling every space in his life and in his heart. Long conversations over dinner and coffee, hot, sneaky kisses in the turbolift or even in his office, after watching her moving suggestively around sickbay or throwing him naughty looks across mess halls and briefing rooms, incredible nights and tender mornings in his quarters. His face hurt with the unaccustomed strain of constantly smiling, and his heart ached in the best of ways, whenever he had to wait for the next private moment with her.

He couldn’t remember ever loving anyone more than Hope, and he was a hundred percent sure that he’d never been loved half as much before, warts and all. What she saw in him, he had no idea, couldn’t grasp even though she was happy to list a thousand reasons whenever she saw the doubt in his eyes. He was, however, getting better at not questioning it too much, and trying to simply delight in his luck instead.

The psychologist in him suspected that the reason why they felt so deeply for each other lay in the life they led, the excitement, the danger, the fear of losing the other. But then he thought back to their first shore leave, the one that had finally brought them together. There hadn’t been any excitement or fear there at all, unless maybe you counted a four-year-old falling into a pool. But helping an elderly couple across the beach or sharing a cake with a lovely teenage boy was hardly adventurous, not even at a stretch. And yet, he’d fallen a little more in love with Hope with every little gesture, every little thing she’d said or done during that glorious week.

No, life couldn’t get any better than this. McCoy knew that. Just like he knew that good things didn’t last. At least not in his world. Hope and he both had beaten death and disaster too many times. One of these days, they just had to run out of luck. Even a logical mind like Spock’s, calculating the odds, would have to agree. Despite feeling on top of the world, or, given the doctor’s disposition, more likely because of it, every happy thought was immediately followed by dread. Dread of this bliss ending somehow, and probably sooner rather than later. He couldn’t help it, he was wired like that.

* * *

This time, disaster didn’t strike, but crept up slowly. One day at a time. Jim had taken a landing party to a small, uninhabited planet. Just taking a few samples, having a look at the wildlife, nothing out of the ordinary. Everybody had been routinely checked and decontaminated on return, mission over. Or so they’d thought.

Three days later, Lt. Linden, a botanist and part of the recent landing party, arrived in sickbay with a stiff neck and a slight headache, asking for a pain reliever. McCoy didn’t think much of it. Unlike other people, Jim, for instance, who were permanently stressed and tense, Linden rarely came to him for painkillers or with other medical issues. So he just briefly ran a tricorder over her and sent her off with a mild analgesic.

The next day she was back with a full-on migraine, something she’d never suffered from before, dark circles around her eyes, and a feverish hue to her cheeks. McCoy put her on a biobed for a thorough examination, but couldn’t find anything wrong, apart from a slightly raised temperature. Nevertheless, he took blood samples, and put her under quarantine along with Kirk and the other members of the landing party as a precautionary measure.

Too late, as it turned out, even though Linden’s first blood tests, according to which she should have been in excellent health, still didn’t give any explanation. Only when McCoy drew some more blood and started over again, did he detect some kind of virus, unlike any he’d seen before. Going on to test Jim and the others, now that he knew exactly what he was looking for, he found them all infected by the same virus, even though none of them displayed any symptoms.

Cursing under his breath, mostly because he hadn’t detected any infectious agents when he’d first checked the landing party after their return, he assembled a team and set up camp in the biolab, not intending to leave until he’d found a way to get the captain and the others out of quarantine again.

It was a good thing he was a devoted scientist as much as a healer. Although, when he’d first joined Starfleet, he’d somehow imagined he’d be mainly dealing with accidents or war injuries. Smashed bones, haemorrhaging wounds, burns, that kind of thing. Maybe the odd appendicitis or upset stomach. He’d certainly not expected to be dealing with new diseases all the time. But then, he’d always said that space was disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence, hadn’t he?

Hope, bless her, had immediately cancelled all her linguistic activities and come to help Chapel set up and get organised for having eight people quarantined at the same time. She’d also come to the lab several times, trying to counter the increasingly frustrated mood with her natural optimism. And it worked, for every time she left again, his team seemed to be more focused on their tasks, more determined to find a cure for their captain and the others.

Things took a turn for the worse, when Ghatak, a member of the science department and one of Spock’s senior officers, didn’t show up for his shift, and was found dead in his quarters, obviously surprised by a heart attack while having a shower. Meticulous as he was, McCoy checked him for the virus, too, and to his horror found that Ghatak had been infected, even though he hadn’t been in the landing party.

That discovery, of course, immediately eliminated any hope of containing the virus, and McCoy quickly had himself and all sickbay and lab personnel tested. The result was devastating. They all tested positive, all but Hope, a silver lining that sent a feeling of disproportionate relief through his body. The next step, of course, was to have everybody aboard tested, and since Ghatak had neither been on the planet nor in sickbay recently, the odds in favour of finding more infected crew members throughout the ship scared the doctor.

To get her out of sickbay and away from himself and the other carriers, McCoy sent Hope on her way to collect blood samples from everyone, trusting that she understood the importance of wearing full protective gear for her own safety. The thought that he might not be able to hold or kiss her for a long time, if ever, briefly crossed his mind, making his blood run cold, but thankfully, there were a million other things to consider right now, keeping him from dwelling on that unwelcome thought.

By the time all blood samples had been tested, McCoy was no step closer to understanding what this nasty little virus actually did to the human body, let alone to finding a cure. All he knew was that the speed at which it spread was terrifying. This was one vicious little devil, and every single person aboard the _Enterprise_ had tested positive. With two exceptions. Green-blooded Spock, which wasn’t all that surprising, and Hope, which was a complete mystery to the doctor. McCoy was convinced it had something to do with her 20th century physiology, some immunity she had that had been lost over the centuries. But damn if he knew what it was.

McCoy was sorely tempted to put Hope under quarantine now, to keep her safe, but his reasonable doctor’s brain convinced him of the absurdity of that. Instead, he settled on checking her for everything he could think of, hoping to find any clues as to her immunity. While he drew gallons of blood from her to examine, she mentioned feeling like Chekov at the time he’d been the only one in a landing party who hadn’t mysteriously aged, having heard the full story from Pavel several times. 1)

McCoy had, of course, already thought of and checked for that, too. To no avail.

“Pavel had been too scared that time. So maybe I’m too happily in love?” Hope joked, and the doctor couldn’t help smiling despite his growing frustration.

“But then I wouldn’t be infected, either, love, would I?” he countered, raising an amused eyebrow and briefly caressing her cheek with the back of his hand.

“You might be as much in love as I am, Leonard,” she said softly, and he could see that she was only half joking, “but with all your constant worrying, I’m afraid you can’t even begin to imagine the blissful happiness I’ve found in you.”

McCoy smiled and patted her cheek, closing his eyes for a moment to savour her words, and then told her to stay put for a couple of minutes to let her body recover. Maybe she was right, he’d give that theory another shot during his tests.

However, when more and more crew members came down with widely varying symptoms at an increasing rate, he gave up on analysing both the virus and Hope’s blood. It had become pretty clear that the virus simply targeted the weakest organs in every human’s body, and McCoy resorted to less refined methods, simply testing the effect of Hope’s blood on the virus. The result was amazing. Hope’s blood killed the virus. So, he started to work on a serum based on Hope's blood.

Then another man died. Again one of the older crew members, one of Scotty’s trusted engineers and only ten years older than McCoy himself. The man had already undergone several kidney transplant surgeries and had died in his sleep.

Time was of the essence, and the doctor found that he couldn’t waste any more on research and testing. All he could think of was that he had to come up with an effective serum before he, too, started to have symptoms that might render him unfit for work. Much as he trusted and admired Spock, Jim and the first officer were busy enough running the _Enterprise_ with half the crew already unfit for duty. The Vulcan would hardly have time to replace him and supervise his team’s progress on a serum on top of everything.

Deciding that it was time for more drastic actions, McCoy adapted the crude serum they had so far for his blood type and injected himself. It wasn’t the first time he’d done something like this, either, he grinned to himself while he waited for the serum to show effect. 2)

Although glad that he suffered none of the side effects he’d been half expecting, he soon realised that the serum had no effect on him at all. The virus lived on inside him, happily reproducing away. Not one to give up easily, McCoy injected himself two more times with ever increasing dosages, and almost cried with relief when it finally worked. Checking the results several times over, hardly believing that the virus had really been neutralised, he tried not to think of the amount of serum, and consequently Hope’s blood, it had taken to cure just one person.

* * *

Jenny nearly kissed the doctor right there in the lab, in front of everyone, when he told her the good news, and was happy to donate more of her blood for the serum. Apparently, McCoy hadn’t yet been able to determine what exactly it was that killed the virus, but for the time being seemed satisfied to know that it worked at all.

The doctor intended to treat the most urgent cases along with Kirk and the command crew next, and then take it from there, trying to get as much serum out of Jenny’s blood as possible. He was hoping to use his own blood and that of the other cured crew members soon, too.

“With the amount of blood we’ve drawn from you, I need you to promise me to be good and not get up any time soon, love,” he smiled as he personally set up the drip to compensate for her blood loss next to the biobed she was lying on. “I’ll be pretty busy and won’t be able to check on you. Can I trust you there?”

His tired eyes were filled with love and worry, and he pressed a gentle kiss on her forehead when no one was looking.

Jenny wanted to hold on to him, feel his arms around her, comfort him and be comforted. But of course, that wasn’t an option. So she just nodded and waved him off to get on with the serum. And feeling, indeed, tired and a little woozy, she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.

* * *

1) Reference to the TOS episode “The Deadly Years”

2) Reference to the TOS episode “Miri” 


	30. Chapter 30

Mere seconds later, at least that’s what it felt like, Jenny woke up to the sound of Kirk and McCoy’s hushed voices in the middle of a whispered, but heated argument.

“There’s no way Hope can provide enough blood to save everyone aboard, Jim!” the doctor hissed. “Not within the necessary time frame, anyway. It’s much too risky, there’s only so much blood a human can give without suffering permanent damage or worse. You can’t ask her to give any more, and I certainly won’t allow it!”

“I understand your concern, Bones,” the captain whispered back placatingly. “But what’s the alternative?”

“I have no idea, Jim,” McCoy sounded defeated. “I’ve not even figured out what kind of antibodies her blood contains, let alone why my own blood, or yours, is useless. Maybe ours will develop whatever Hope’s contains with time. Time we don’t have.”

“So, what do you suggest?” Kirk’s voice was strained. “We’ve cured the commanding officers and a few more, what do we do now? Draw lots? Choose randomly, by rank, age, name in alphabetical order, and leave the others to die?”

“Well, as a doctor I’d start with those suffering from the most severe symptoms, of course, but maybe you and Starfleet have other priorities,” the doctor snapped, before letting out a resigned sigh, and Jenny’s heart broke at how deflated he sounded.

“I don’t know, Jim.”

“Well, you should, Bones!” the captain hissed, desperation making him bitter. “You’re the doctor, find a solution!”

“Jim, I…”

“And if you ask me, the solution is lying right over there.”

Jenny couldn’t stay out of it any longer. They were talking about her, after all.

“Captain,” she spoke up, “of course I’ll help in any way I can.”

Both heads whipped around, and McCoy was at her side in an instant, putting a protective hand on her arm.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Kirk smiled, coming over to stand at her other side.

“Jim!” McCoy growled, his tone warning.

The captain nodded at his agitated friend, then returned his gaze to Hope.

“But let Dr. McCoy explain the risks before you make a decision,” he finished.

“Okay, Doctor, I’m listening,” Jenny said, following Kirk’s lead and deliberately using Leonard’s title to make it clear that she was talking to him as a Starfleet officer and not as his partner.

“This is serious, _Lieutenant_ ,” McCoy fumed, eyes blazing as distress turned into anger.

Jenny was immediately sorry. Leonard was understandably worried and exhausted, he felt responsible and helpless, and the thought of having to put her at danger in order to save a few hundred other lives certainly freaked him out. 

“If you give too much blood too fast,” the doctor continued, his voice losing its sharp edge when he saw the sincere apology in her eyes, “you’ll go into shock, and then, heart attack, stroke, organ failure, brain damage, take your pick.”

“I see,” she murmured, lifting his hand from where it was still resting on her arm and lacing their fingers together. “But we won’t let it come to that, Leonard. You can monitor me and stop anytime.”

“All right,” McCoy sighed, capitulating after a few moments’ hesitation, and squeezing her fingers, “but only a little more today, and we’ll take it slowly, okay? We’ll set the pace according to the drip.”

“Deal,” Jenny smiled, hearing Kirk exhale deeply in relief before quietly leaving the room.

McCoy made her drink a big glass of orange juice, then fastened a new bag to the drip, and sat down next to her on the bed.

“Didn’t you use some kind of stimulant for increased blood production on Spock when your operated on Sarek?” Jenny asked. “Couldn’t we try that on me, too?” 1) 

“Not possible, I’m afraid,” McCoy shook his head. “That only works for copper-based blood.”

Jenny puffed out a frustrated sigh.

“I know you want to help so badly, love,” the doctor smiled, tenderly brushing her hair from her face, “but the best way to do that, is to relax and try to waste as little energy as possible. The less you move, the more blood your body can spare.”

“Got it,” she smiled back, closing her eyes and trying to relax as much as she could.

“And while you rest, I promise I’ll find a way to improve the serum to get even more dosages out of your precious blood,” McCoy whispered close to her ear, brushing a gentle kiss on her temple and then straightening back up to hold and caress her hand.

“Aren’t you needed elsewhere?” Jenny asked, starting to feel lightheaded and drowsy.

“Believe me, love,” he chuckled, continuing to draw little circles on the back of her hand with his thumb. “I can do with a little break, too.”

It was true, of course, the doctor was desperately in need of a rest. Only, she knew that, if not for her, he’d never take time for even the shortest break in a situation like this.

* * *

The next time Jenny woke up, she felt a gentle hand on her cheek. Opening her eyes, she leaned into the familiar touch and smiled at McCoy’s worried and tired face.

“How’re you doing, Sleeping Beauty?” he murmured, his affection rippling through her body like a soft breeze.

She’d never get over how his endearments made her feel, no matter how patronising or unoriginal. Only southern charm could pull that off.

“How did it go?” she asked, trying to shake off the sleepiness.

“Worked like a charm,” he smiled, glancing at the monitor above her head to check the readings.

“Everybody cured?” she enquired hopefully, but could see the answer in his eyes even before he opened his mouth again.

“Not quite yet, love,” he said, and Jenny sensed that he’d rather not told her, but didn’t want to lie to her either.

“Why did you stop?” she wanted to know, even though the reason was pretty clear.

“I had to,” McCoy simply said, tenderly cradling her face in his hand, as his eyes told her everything from the love he held for her to the grief he felt for the patients who hadn’t made it, or wouldn’t make it.

“But we’ll ask you for a little more of your blood tomorrow, love,” he continued, gently running his fingers through her hair.

“Why wait?” she asked, not caring that she sounded like a petulant child. “I don’t feel weak or anything.”

“Believe me, you would, if you were to get up and move around,” he said softly. “Promise me that you’ll move as little as possible. Your body can’t take any strain right now.”

When she just frowned at him, he chuckled, “I know you’re used to doing things fast, my little whirlwind, but even your body needs time to produce blood, you can’t just will it to work faster.”

His words were breezy and kind, but he couldn’t quite hide the fact that he, too, felt desperate and impatient, especially when he kept glancing at her readings, as if hoping to find better ones the next time he looked.

“Oh Leonard, how bad is it out there?” Jenny wanted to know, nodding towards the rest of sickbay.

“Bad enough,” he replied, “but we’re still making progress. Thanks to you.”

There were tears in his eyes now, as he leaned down and brushed a kiss on her lips.

“How many?” she asked, knowing she didn’t even have to add the word ‘dead’.

“Four now,” McCoy answered, his voice sounding choked.

“Who?” she whispered, realising that it made no difference, but needing to know, anyway.

McCoy gave her the names, and they both fell silent, each of them lost in their own memories of the departed.

Jenny knew perfectly well how devastated the doctor was by not having been able to save them, by being so helpless. But _she_ wasn’t, _she_ could help.

“Let’s not waste any more time, Leonard,” she said determinedly. “Draw some more blood now.”

“No way, love!” McCoy shook his head vehemently. “We can’t risk that.”

“ _I_ can,” she insisted. “How do you think I feel, lying idly around while someone else might die?”

The doctor just looked at her, a tear running down his cheek, as he silently shook his head again.

“Please, Leonard?”

Another shake of the head.

“Do you even have enough room in sickbay?” Jenny persisted, regarding the dark rings around his eyes. “You must be run off your feet by now.”

“Don’t worry about me, love,” he started to get up. “It’s my job. I’ve been through worse.”

Holding on to his hand, Jenny pleaded with him.

“Leonard, I need to do this. Please let me.”

McCoy refused to meet her eyes, still trying to pull his hand away.

“You wouldn’t hesitate to do it yourself, if you could,” she murmured.

“But I’m a doctor,” he protested. “I took an oath.”

“And I’m your partner,” Jenny said emphatically, feeling that was reason enough. “How much more do we need?”

“No one’s going to die while you're regaining your strength, Jenny,” McCoy tried to avoid answering her question.

“You can’t promise that, Leonard,” she said softly, “and you know that I know.”

That, at least, brought a little smile to McCoy’s face.

“So, how much more?”

“250 ml,” he finally told her.

“But that’s really not that much, is it?”

“It wouldn’t be, if you hadn’t already donated so much. Jenny,” the doctor lifted his hands imploringly, “your body has reached its limits. You need to accept that. We all do.”

“You’ve just said it. It’s _my_ body. _My_ decision.”

Jenny just couldn’t give up. Not now that they were so close. They couldn’t fail because of a mere 250 ml.

“But your health is _my_ responsibility, and I can’t let you risk your life like that. I love you, Jenny” the doctor said quietly, his sad eyes affecting her far more than his anger ever could. “Doesn’t that count for anything?”

“That’s not fair,” she whispered, feeling immensely tired and close to tears. “You know that it does.”

McCoy looked at her for a long moment, then sat back down and took a deep breath.

“All right, love,” he sighed, “let’s do this. But I’m not leaving your side. And when I say enough, we’re done. No argument.”

“I promise!” she smiled, settling back comfortably and watching him cross the room to shut the door.

Then he gestured for her to move a little to the side, sat down alongside her on the bed with his back resting against the wall, wrapped one arm around her, and pulled her head against his chest.

“You just rest, and I’ll be watching over you, love,” he murmured, tenderly kissing the top of her head.

Jenny drifted in and out of sleep, relishing the doctor’s warm embrace and the gentle caress of his hand, as he softly talked to her about anything that came to mind.

A sudden commotion outside, thumping noises and shouting, startled her wide awake again, and McCoy bolted out of the room to deal with whatever had just happened in sickbay.

Heaving a sigh, Jenny closed her eyes again, feeling increasingly nauseous and drained in every sense of the word. The monitor above her emitted a low beep, signalling that one of the parameters McCoy had set for her had dropped below the limit.

Checking the readings on the second little monitor by her side, she saw that the amount of blood still needed, was down to 5 ml. A ridiculously small quantity. Surely she could hold out that much longer.

Taking advantage of the fact that McCoy was still distracted outside, Jenny sat up and reset the parameters. Good thing she’d worked in sickbay for a year and had also learned a few tricks from Scotty. She wasn’t really feeling sick or anything. Four more millilitres wouldn’t kill her. And Leonard would finally have enough serum for everyone.

Lying back down, she kept her eyes on the monitor.

_Three more millilitres._

Her eyes fluttered shut, and she found herself at the beach with Leonard, splashing around in the shallow water, their cool, wet bodies sliding against each other.

_Two._

She was in the middle of a beautiful meadow, running around, hand in hand with Leonard, chasing a butterfly.

_One._

Leonard’s face was close to hers, as they danced to a Faith Hill and Tim McGraw duet. Their arms tightly wrapped around each other, she tilted her face up towards his, moulding herself against him, as his soft lips finally found hers. 

* * *

When the flatline alarm sounded throughout sickbay, McCoy was gripped by terror like he’d never been before and stormed back into Hope’s room, almost crazy with fear. For a long, horrible moment, staring at Hope’s small form lying there on the biobed, completely still and white like a sheet, lips curled in a peaceful smile, the only thought his panicking brain could come up with was ‘Sleeping Beauty’. 

Then his medical mind finally kicked in.

* * *

1) Reference to the TOS episode “Journey to Babel” 


	31. Chapter 31

The next half hour passed in a blur, as McCoy frantically worked to bring Hope back. He was in full doctor mode, his mind focusing on one thing only, and that was to keep her alive. Only when she was breathing again, her heart back to a regular beat, her organs functioning as they should without indication of any lasting damage, did he allow himself to break down.

Locking himself in his office, he hit the wall hard with his fist and let out a pained sound somewhere between a roar and a whimper. Then he staggered over to his desk, slumped down in the chair, and covered his face in his hands, as his body was wracked with sobs and tears were freely running down his face.

Tears of guilt, tears of rage, tears of terror, and tears of relief. Hope had fallen into a coma, but at least she was alive. Unlike with her other organs, only time would tell, if and to what extend her brain had been harmed. When he had no more tears left, he cleaned himself up, splashing cold water onto his face until he felt calm enough to convincingly play the part of composed CMO again.

On autopilot, he turned the last of Hope’s blood into serum, but the satisfaction he felt when everyone aboard had finally been cured was half-hearted at best. Nevertheless, he hurried right back to Hope’s bedside to let her know that her stupid sacrifice had, indeed, saved everyone, just as she’d intended.

Naturally, there was no reaction, but the doctor still hoped that somehow, somewhere in the depths of her mind she’d heard him. He’d tell her again when she woke up. When he was done biting her head off for being so damn stupid and reckless, of course.

After that, McCoy refused to leave Hope’s side again, not caring if people thought it was because they were more than just friends, or because he couldn’t live with the guilt of letting this happen to her. Either was true.

He just needed to be near her, to make sure he was there when she came around. She’d already woken from a deep sleep, a 300 year-long sleep, once, and even though she never talked about it, he suspected that waking from that hadn’t been a pleasant experience. This time, he wanted to make sure that she woke up to a friendly face. That the first thing she felt, when she opened her eyes, was that she was safe and loved. _Geborgen_.

* * *

McCoy spent the first day between disbelief and denial, basically expecting Hope to wake up any moment. Or, alternatively, for himself to wake up from a coma, or a nightmare, anytime. Seeing her so pale, her face waxen and devoid of all life, of that ebullience that was so essentially Hope, tore him apart, and yet, seemed so unreal. Normally, she was constantly in motion, always bubbly and generally full of beans, just thrilled to be alive. He’d never seen her without an animated glow to her cheeks before. Not even when she’d been hurt or scared.

Knowing how she thrived on physical contact, how much she needed and revelled in hugs and tender touches, McCoy kept holding her hand, caressing her face, and stroking her hair without cease. She was always happiest curled up tight in his arms, he thought fondly, and the lack of response to his gentle hands now, in such stark contrast to her usually snugging closer the moment he touched her, was almost physically painful. Still, McCoy hoped that somewhere deep down she could feel it. Feel the love in his touch and in his voice, as he softly talked to her, or even sang to her, when he was quite sure no one was within earshot.

He talked about her first year aboard the _Enterprise_ , knowing how much Hope loved to bask in those memories, loved to reminisce about the beginnings of their love, about how their friendship had blossomed into romance, or rather how she’d swept him off his feet the day they’d first met. He even told her about his feelings during her time on the _Lexington_ , something he’d rarely talked about yet. His moods, his doubts, his fears, how much he’d longed for her then. And how much he longed for her to return to him now.

Lots of other people came to visit, and McCoy really just wanted to get rid of them, to have her all to himself. But he knew that he could neither deny Hope nor her friends some time together. Maybe one of them would even say or do something that brought her back, that prompted her to let go of whatever was keeping her away.

Uhura spent a long time talking quietly to Hope, always touching her arm or holding her hand, as if she, too, knew how much her friend needed that. McCoy pretended to busy himself with something or other, wanting to give them privacy, but Uhura kept throwing him compassionate, almost worried glances, and the doctor suspected that she was well aware, if not of their relationship, then at least of his deep feelings for Hope.

Chekov, by contrast, wasn’t quiet at all, loudly lamenting over Hope’s situation, alternating between berating her for abandoning him and begging her to come back. At least that’s what it sounded like, since most of it was in Russian, and McCoy didn’t know whether to find it endearing or irritating. Listening to him, one might almost think that Chekov was the one in a relationship with Hope. Quite obviously, he was still a far way away from being over his pathetic jealousy of Chekov, the doctor thought, ashamed that the idea of Pavel being the one to bring her back really grated.

* * *

On the second day came the anger, and with it the guilt. McCoy had spent the whole night in a chair by her bed, and when Hope’s condition still hadn’t changed by the next morning, he started to get scared. And angry. He was furious with everyone and everything.

With Hope for being so goddamn reckless, with that man Harper for having a fit in the middle of sickbay and drawing him away from Hope at the wrong moment, with Jim for beaming down to that godforsaken planet in the first place, and mostly with himself. For failing to detect the virus right after the landing party had returned, for failing to find a proper cure in time, for leaving Hope’s side at the most crucial moment when he’d promised not to. The guilt was the worst.

When Kirk came to look in on Hope and found the doctor in a complete state, he all but ordered his friend to come back to the captain’s quarters, seeing it as the only chance to lure him away from Hope’s side. Kirk understood that Bones was filled with self-loathing and riddled with guilt. But he also knew that his friend was badly in need of rest, sleep-deprivation not helping his agitated mind.

With all that virus business going on, Bones had hardly been sleeping at all for several days, even before keeping watch over Hope all of last night. But the captain was also well aware that Hope had basically been living in McCoy’s quarters for some time now, and that the doctor probably couldn’t bring himself to go back to sleep in his bed without her. So he offered his friend to crash on his couch, if only for a couple of hours, and McCoy reluctantly accepted, acknowledging that in his current condition he was of no help to Hope or anyone else.

Kirk stayed in his quarters, catching up on some deskwork, the whole time Bones slept, repeatedly glancing over at his friend and wondering why this amazing man, this kind and generous soul, had to endure so much pain in life. All the doctor ever did was give, always taking care of and looking after everyone. Under all the snark, the sarcasm, the grumpiness, he had so much love to give, and now that he’d finally found happiness, found someone who was giving back all that love and more, was it really too much to ask for that happiness to last?

When McCoy woke up again, the captain had a coffee and a sandwich waiting for him, and they shared a quick meal. The doctor couldn’t wait to get back to Hope’s side, but was also grateful to have someone he could talk to about her. Someone who knew about them, knew what she meant to him.

“Why did she do it, Jim?” he asked despondently, desperately needing answers while aware that Kirk was hardly the one to give them.

“You know why, Bones,” the captain answered softly. “She’s like you.”

“The hell she is!” McCoy burst out, all the pent-up hurt and fear clearly visible in his eyes. “She betrayed me, Jim! She knew the risks, yet she manipulated the readings. Or the sensors, or whatever. I blame Scotty, too, for teaching her how to do things like that!”

“She did it because she felt she had to. If she hadn’t, someone else might have died, and she wanted to save everyone. Just like you always do,” Kirk continued calmly, ignoring the doctor’s outburst.

“But did she ever think of me?” McCoy muttered, looking resentfully at his friend. “What losing her would do to me?”

“I’d say she thought of little else but you,” Kirk replied gently. “She couldn’t have lived with herself, if someone else had died, and she trusted that you of all people would understand. Because she knew how guilty you felt for not having found another cure, and that you were forced to rely on her blood to do the job. She didn’t want to let you down, Bones.”

“Jesus, Jim,” McCoy hung his head, “thanks for the pep talk. Now I feel even worse. As if I didn’t have enough to feel guilty about already.”

Kirk sighed as he watched the doctor stomp out of his quarters, leaving an unfinished coffee and half a sandwich behind. Of course, he hadn’t meant to make Bones feel any guiltier than he already did. But he still thought that, at the end of the day, understanding that Hope had done it for him, too, would make her sacrifice more bearable for his friend.

* * *

The third day brought grief and despair. Still needing to stay as close as possible to Hope after another night spent slumped in a chair by her bed, McCoy delegated most of his duties and only dealt with emergencies that absolutely required his presence or skill.

What if she didn’t wake up? What if he’d ruined her young life, her promising career? What if he’d lost her forever?

Without her, he realised, he wouldn’t know what to do with himself anymore. His whole life revolved around her now. Had revolved around her for almost two years, if he was honest with himself. Hope was his life, the centre of his universe. The reason he got up in the mornings. Until now, he hadn’t even been aware of how much everything had changed since he’d met her. That he was an entirely different man now. He thought of all the things she’d done for him, like bringing Joanna back into his life. But she’d also brought back love, and trust, and happiness. He was a better man because of her. Without her, his life felt dark and empty, and utterly meaningless.

Two years ago, McCoy would have laughed at anyone who suggested that he might fall in love again, let alone so deeply, so completely. But it had happened. Even though God knows how hard he’d fought it. And now he found that, if Hope wasn’t there, or at least on some other starship or even a planet lightyears away, life held no meaning for him. He might as well end it, the doctor thought morosely. But, of course, he couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Not as long as there was still a chance of her waking up again. Because then she might need him. To care for her and any mental limitations she might be suffering from.

When he was done being morbid, McCoy began to pray, made deals with whatever God was listening. It was his fault, he should never have let her do this, and he was willing to take all the blame, any punishment. If only she woke up, he’d deal with any consequences. No matter what state she was in, if her brain was damaged, or if she was even coherent, he vowed to do everything to make her feel happy, safe, and loved.

He also pleaded with Hope, begged her, assured her that her body was in perfect health, that all she needed to do was open her eyes. Holding her hand to his lips and tenderly kissing her fingers, he promised to always love and take good care of her, no matter what.

When it all got too much, and just holding her hand or caressing her face wasn’t enough anymore, McCoy brought his chair up as close to her bed as he could, then buried his face in her shoulder and shed the tears he no longer had, his medical mind all the while trying to come up with a single physical reason for her condition. Something he could treat, something he could heal.

So, desperately needing to do something, anything, he started to check her with a tricorder, running all kinds of tests on her. Over and over again. And when he really couldn’t find anything physically wrong with her, he started to fret about any emotional reasons she might have for wanting to stay under.

Something he’d done? McCoy honestly couldn’t think of anything. He really believed that she’d been genuinely happy with him. Something to do with Starfleet? Maybe there really was another secret they’d burdened her with? The doctor felt the familiar suspicions and anger at Starfleet welling up inside him.

He tried to recall all the instances Hope had had nightmares or mentioned moments of déjà vu. He’d been worried then, but had always been able to pin them to some recent event or trauma. Had he been wrong? Had he been put off the scent too easily? All his old doubts came up again. What about the fact that Spock hadn’t been able to find anyone fitting her name and description in the historical archives? With her clearly believing Starfleet’s story and being so happy in her current life, he’d not followed up any of the inconsistencies. Had he failed her there, too?

McCoy was so absorbed in his theories and self-pity, he nearly missed the change in the readings of her brain activity, indicating that she was about to wake up. It was only when he felt her fingers twitch in his hand, that he looked up to see the colour flooding back into her cheeks, hardly daring to believe it, when he saw her eyelids flutter and her eyes slowly opening.

Giddy with joy and relief, he quickly wiped his face with his hand and tried to school his features into a calm, reassuring smile. Then he got up and bent over Hope, ready to welcome the love of his life back into the world.


	32. Chapter 32

She woke up completely disoriented and feeling scared. Trying to open her eyes, she found it too much of a struggle, and decided to keep them closed for now. Just lying there, feeling and listening to her surroundings, she tried to find out where she was. Obviously, she was lying in a bed, feeling warm and comfortable. The smell was clean and vaguely familiar, and from the sounds and beeps all around her, she guessed she was in a hospital.

_Hospital?_

She tried to move, to check her body for injuries, but found she was too weak and tired for that, too. Feeling more than a little alarmed, she finally managed to pry her eyes open and was immensely relieved to find herself looking straight into the kindest pair of eyes, the handsome face they belonged to hovering closely above hers and smiling down at her warmly.

“Welcome back, love!”

She tried to sit up, but firm hands gently pressed her back down.

“Whoa! Easy there, love. No sitting up just yet. You’re still weak, you need to stay lying down.”

“Where…? What happened?” she croaked, looking around nervously, her throat dry and scratchy.

“Easy, I’m here.”

His kind voice immediately soothed her again.

“Here, drink a little. Tiny sips, okay?”

She licked her dry lips, and he helped her drink water through a straw to ease the pain in her sore throat, his hand gently cradling the back of her head.

“You’re in sickbay, love, you’re safe, don’t worry. I’m here, I’m taking care of you.”

“Sickbay?” she asked, confused, releasing the straw and sinking back down into her pillow. 

“You…” he hesitated a moment, “had a little accident.”

She must have looked scared at that, because he reached out and tenderly cupped her face in his hand.

“You’ll be fine, love. Don’t worry, I’m here,” he said again, smiling at her affectionately.

She closed her eyes for a moment, breathing deeply and enjoying the comforting touch.

“Thank you,” she smiled weakly, then finally asked, “And you are…?”

He frowned.

“Not a good time for bad jokes, my dear, you’ve already got me worried enough,” he growled, suddenly seeming angry, and she winced at the change of tone in his voice.

For a few moments he just stared at her, searching her face closely, and then his gaze softened again. Apparently recognising the genuine fear and confusion in her eyes, his brow furrowed, and he slowly took his hand off her face.

“Can you tell me your name?” he asked gently.

She opened her mouth to answer, but found that she didn’t know.

He must have seen the alarm on her face, because he quickly said, “Jenny. Your name is Jenny.”

It didn’t ring any bells.

“You know me?” she asked.

“Very well,” he smiled soothingly and sat down on the edge of the bed, running a scanner over her head. “Don’t worry, I’ll be taking good care of you. It’ll all come back with time. There’s no physical reason for you not to remember. We’ll just wait for the shock to wear off.”

_So, he's a doctor._

Once again, he gently cupped her face with his hand, and, leaning into the soothing touch, she felt immediately safe and reassured. He was a very compassionate and caring doctor, that much was certain. And he knew who she was. Things couldn’t be too bad then. Her instincts told her that she could trust him. She just hoped she could trust her instincts.

“You just rest now, and I’ll be back in a minute with my instruments for a more thorough check-up, all right?”

“All right, Doctor,” she smiled, almost reluctant to let him go, the warmth of his protective hand on her cheek just too pleasant.

“The name’s Leonard McCoy, by the way,” he offered, smiling back at her a little sadly, before leaving the room to go find his instruments.

* * *

As soon as the doors had swished shut behind him, McCoy slumped against the wall, his legs nearly failing to support him. He’d seen the fear in her eyes. She really had no idea who he was. But Hope would never play cruel pranks like that on him, anyway. Jim, maybe. But Hope, never. She was much too aware of his constant worrying and would never purposely scare him like that.

_To think that I’ve come this close to kissing her when she opened her eyes, and she doesn’t even know who I am!_

He didn’t actually have to get any instruments. Everything he needed was right there, next to Hope’s bed. But he’d desperately needed to get out of the room, to get his act together again. If Hope had to deal with something as unsettling as amnesia, he couldn’t let on how worried he was. Fretting and fussing, he was of no use to her. What she needed now was comfort and reassurance from a doctor who radiated calm confidence. He could do that.

“What’s wrong, Doctor?” Chapel’s concerned voice cut through his distress, and it was only then, that he realised he was shaking.

“Hope’s just woken up,” McCoy informed her, trying to pull himself together, “and she’s got amnesia.”

“Oh,” the nurse said, looking at him appraisingly, “do you want me to go in and stay with her until you’ve…”

She left the sentence unfinished, obviously not quite sure what he needed to do before facing Hope again.

“She didn’t recognise me, Christine,” the doctor said quietly, not missing Chapel’s compassionate gaze. “She has no idea where, or even who she is.”

“Go, find somewhere to sit down, Leonard,” the nurse replied softly, putting a hand on his arm and steering him gently towards his office. “I’ll look after Hope and keep her company until you feel up to dealing with this.”

“Thanks, Christine,” McCoy tried a smile. “Let’s hope it’s just temporary. I just need a plan, think of the best questions to ask, before I head back in.”

* * *

Re-entering Hope’s room a few minutes later, a determined smile plastered on his face, McCoy almost lost his composure again, when he saw her looking so lost and tiny in her bed, anxiously following Chapel’s every move, as the nurse busied herself checking her vitals and taking notes on her PADD.

 _So much for making her feel ‘geborgen’ when she wakes up_ , he thought miserably.

But seeing Hope’s face light up at the sight of him, looking at him with trusting, hopeful eyes, exactly like the Jenny he knew would have, broke is heart even more. What he really wanted to do at this moment, was lie down next to her and just take her in his arms. Feel her familiar body safely ensconced in his embrace. But, of course, that was not an option.

Instead, as Chapel quietly left the room, he perched on the edge of her bed, and softly asked, “Ready for a few tests and some more questions?”

Hope nodded, understandably eager to find out more about herself and her situation, and instantly nestled into the touch of his hand, which had somehow found its way to her cheek again.

 _At least I know her well enough to do and say the right things to make her feel safe and cared for_ , he thought, trying to justify his touch by checking her eyes, and was proven right by the way she briefly closed her eyes afterwards, sighing softly, when his thumb started to caress her cheekbone.

“Do you remember anything at all?” the doctor probed gently, never ceasing the tender motions of his thumb on her cheek.

“I was studying with my friend in the park,” she said, her forehead creased in concentration, as she tried to remember any details. “Oh my God! Sarah! What happened to Sarah?”

“She’s okay. Shh, don’t worry!” he quickly tried to reassure her, assuming that Sarah was the friend in question, and let his hand trail down to her shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze.

McCoy phrased the next question carefully.

“What were you studying for?”

“Romulan idioms,” Hope replied without hesitation, and McCoy breathed a mental sigh of relief. At least she remembered being in the 23rd century.

Hope suddenly touched a hand to her head, and the doctor quickly ran his tricorder over her.

“Headache?” he asked, searching her face and comparing what he saw there to the readings on the monitor above her bed and his tricorder.

“A little,” she admitted, reaching for his hand, and McCoy’s heart melted when he saw her unconsciously looking for the comfort she’d found in his touch earlier. “Please tell me what really happened, Doctor, and where exactly I am.”

“Listen, Jenny,” he said, worriedly watching her vitals as she grew increasingly agitated again. “I understand that not remembering is very unsettling. But you’ve only just woken up, and temporary amnesia is not uncommon in your situation. You have a lot of questions, and I’ll be happy to tell you everything you need to know. But your body needs rest now. That’s what your headache is trying to tell you.”

He tenderly brushed a stray strand of hair out of her face, then continued to gently run his fingers through her light curls the way he knew she liked.

“Why don’t you try to sleep a little, and we’ll continue this when you wake up again?” he suggested, fiddling with the controls on the biobed to add a mild sedative to the fluids in the drip. "You’ll feel much better then.”

“I don’t want to go back to sleep, Doctor!” she exclaimed, a panicked look on her face, while her eyelids were already starting to droop.

“I’ll stay with you, all right? No need to be afraid. You’re amongst friends,” McCoy reassured her, continuing to stroke her hair comfortingly until long after she’d fallen asleep again.

She was coherent, there was no slur in her speech, semantics and syntax were correct, the only real problem seemed to be her memory. It could have been so much worse, he should really be grateful. So, why was it still so hard on him?

Getting up from the bed, McCoy rubbed a tired hand over his face, checked Hope’s vitals one more time, and went to call Jim and Spock.

* * *

When Jenny woke up again, she found the doctor asleep in a chair right next to her bed, and was touched that he’d kept his promise to stay with her.

“Dr. McCoy!” she called softly, reaching out to gently tap his arm.

He woke up with a start, immediately alert, his features settling into a friendly smile after only the briefest moment of finding his bearings.

“Hello again,” he grinned, getting up and helping her to a sitting position, plumping up her pillow and trying to make her comfortable. “See? No problem recognising me this time!”

What she didn’t see, of course, was the hurt he felt, when he added, _if only as your doctor,_ in his mind.

“You were right, I’m feeling much better now, so let’s get on with the tests and questions,” Jenny beamed, the pleasant feeling fading again quickly, however, when she tried and failed to remember anything else but his name and the short conversation they’d had before.

She was getting really scared and would probably have panicked, if not for the kind doctor’s calming presence. For some reason she felt really safe with him and just hoped he’d be around longer, already dreading the moment his shift would end, and her care would be transferred to a colleague.

Apparently seeing her face falling, the doctor sat down on the edge of her bed, and gently took her hand in both of his.

“I know this is scary,” he said, his voice low and comforting, “but you’re surrounded by friends here. Friends who know you well, and who’ll do everything to help you find the missing pieces. All right?”

Jenny nodded, grateful for his words of comfort, and already feeling less terrified again.

“Right, tell me Jenny,” the doctor asked brightly, “have you got any idea where you are?”

Trying to force her brain into action, she squeezed the doctor’s hand harder, and felt pleasantly grounded when he returned a little of the pressure, quite obviously aware of how important their physical connection was for her.

“I’m sorry, no,” she finally said, somehow feeling as if she was letting him down.

“Don’t worry, I’ll quickly give you the most important facts,” he said kindly, “but I don’t want to tell you too much. I want you to remember things in your own time, and not manipulate your memories before they come back. Does that make sense to you?”

“I think so,” Jenny replied thoughtfully, then let a smile spread across her face. “I mean, I’d rather actually remember things, too, instead of just having to take your word for it.”

“Exactly,” he laughed, “I see your sense of humour is still the same.”

Jenny found that laugh, spontaneous and honest, a friend’s rather than a doctor’s, even more comforting than all his kind words before. He really seemed to know her well, and she found that thought immensely reassuring.

“All right, here goes,” the doctor went on. “Your full name is Dr. Jennifer Hope. You’re a linguist, and a Starfleet officer on the _USS Enterprise_ , and you’ve just woken from a three-day-coma you unfortunately fell into while saving every single member of this crew by donating your blood. You were aware of the risks, but you still chose to do it, because that’s who you are.”

_Wow!_

While processing the information, Jenny simultaneously tried to place the doctor’s almost tender gaze, the look in his eyes a strange mixture of gratitude, admiration, and reproach. As if he hadn’t approved of her taking the risk, yet was happy with the outcome. In any case, he’d made her sound like a true, selfless heroine, and she had to admit that she liked that.

Squeezing her hand to get her attention again, after a while, he asked, “So, if you don’t remember any recent events, how about your childhood? Any memories of growing up? Before studying in the park with Sarah?”

“Well, at least there are random scenes, like flashbacks,” she replied vaguely, wanting to be truthful with Dr. McCoy, yet getting the strangest feeling that she wasn’t supposed to talk about her childhood.

The doctor kept quiet, just gazing at her encouragingly and continuing to caress her hand with his thumb, obviously giving her time to think, and she found that there were, indeed, memories coming back, one by one.

“It’s very little, nothing specific yet, but I think I’m getting there,” she smiled, feeling like celebrating even the smallest progress. “I remember Sarah, our dorm at the Academy, Admiral Dakunia.”

She smiled at the memory of the admiral who had been very kind to her, and was rather taken aback to see the doctor raise an irritated eyebrow at the mention of the admiral’s name.

“Well, that sounds like a good start,” Dr. McCoy smiled, giving her hand one more encouraging squeeze, before releasing it to stand up. “Definitely something we can work with.”

A strange emotion passed across the doctor’s face, again one she couldn’t really place. Annoyance? Regret? Concern? But when his gaze returned to her face, there was nothing but kindness in his eyes again, and a silent promise to support her on her way to gain back her memories.

“Before we go any deeper, and I know you have a million questions right now, would it be all right for our captain and first officer to join us? They are aware that you are currently suffering from amnesia, but would still like to thank you for saving our lives,” he smiled, his eyes almost brimming over with proud affection. “Besides, seeing a few faces other than mine, might help spark some more memories.”

Jenny nodded her assent, even though she found the prospect of meeting her captain and first officer without remembering them, nor even her own name, while still trying to get her head around being an actual Starfleet officer on an actual starship, a little daunting. But if Dr. McCoy thought it was a good idea, it most probably was.

Something about the doctor made her trust him implicitly, she thought, watching his back as he went to the comm on the wall, already wondering if the captain and the first officer would be equally friendly and likable.


	33. Chapter 33

It was McCoy’s idea of hell. This was the woman he loved more than anything else in the world, who’d been sharing his bed and his life, who’d loved him just as much, until three days ago. And now he had to treat her like just another patient, because she didn’t remember any of it.

It didn’t help that, even though she didn’t know him, she so obviously trusted him, sought his touch for comfort, and generally seemed to feel that little bit safer, when he was around. His heart soared, of course, to see that she still felt that way about him now, but it made it even more difficult for him to stay professional and keep from doing all the things he ached to do. Especially since he knew how much a simple hug would mean to her now, how desperately she needed to be held for comfort and to ease her fears.

But he also knew that anything more than a gentle touch to her cheek, or holding her hand, would be unethical as long as she didn’t remember their relationship. Unthinkable for any doctor with a minimum of professional ethics and moral principles.

Truthfully, that was the main reason for wanting Jim and Spock to join them. Their presence would make the situation more official, and thus easier for him to keep his distance. Otherwise, he wasn’t sure how long he’d be able to fight the aching need to be close to her, to do what he normally would to reassure and comfort her.

To not hold her, not kiss her, not tell her of his feelings, was an endless struggle, and the more time he spent in Hope’s presence, the harder it got to keep his emotions under control.

Therefore, it was with great relief, that the doctor welcomed Kirk and Spock into Hope’s room, thankful that Jim didn’t have any qualms about going straight over to give a surprised Hope a cordial hug. It was exactly what she needed right now.

“It’s good to see you up and smiling again, Lieutenant!” the captain beamed at the young woman, and McCoy felt a warm glow in his heart to see Hope’s apprehension of ‘meeting the captain’ fall away in the face of Jim’s warm and easy-going demeanour.

After Spock – bless him for fully comprehending Hope’s situation – had made the proper introductions, Kirk and the first officer involved her in a long conversation, in the course of which Hope seemed to gain back big chunks of her memory. McCoy could hardly contain his joy at seeing her so animated again, and grinned encouragingly at her, every time her eyes found his in search of support or approval.

Less than an hour later, Hope was already remembering all of her Academy years, the project she’d worked on the first year after graduating, and even the starbase she’d been stationed on before being allowed aboard the _Enterprise_. To her delight, all her linguistic knowledge seemed to be there, at least as far as the doctor could tell, but she still had difficulties remembering people. Almost everybody but her roommate Sarah and Admiral Dakunia were still nothing but a blur of names and faces to her.

Her own name, however, had started to sound familiar to her, and the sheer relief in her eyes, when she told them about it, had McCoy choke back tears. He didn’t have the heart to tell her that this might just be a reaction to hearing them use it when addressing her.

Throughout their conversation, the doctor had his hands clasped tightly behind his back to keep from reaching out and touching her. And his fingers were starting to hurt from clenching his fists so hard. He could just hope that, at the rate things were coming back to her, it wouldn’t be long until she remembered everything. Having to keep up this ‘I’m just your doctor’ act for much longer would all but kill him.

Tuning back into the conversation, McCoy heard Kirk say, “I’m very glad to see you’re making such a speedy recovery, Hope, but, frankly, I wouldn’t have expected anything less from someone who’s able to catch up on 300 years while going through the full Academy programme.”

All good intentions about not touching her were forgotten, when McCoy saw Hope freeze at the captain’s words, the doctor’s reassuring hand on hers before he even knew it. Of course, not remembering anything about her time on the _Enterprise_ , the poor girl still thought she had to keep that damn secret.

“It’s all right, love,” the doctor said quickly, sitting down on the edge of her bed once more, and putting a gentle hand under her chin to make her look at him. “We know. It’s not classified information anymore, Starfleet remedied that.”

He didn’t add how he’d had to enforce that to end her suffering, or how angry just the thought of what Starfleet had put her through still made him. What they were still putting her through, judging from the scared look on her face. She obviously had a hard time believing it was really okay to talk about her past.

The conversation became stilted after that, and looking at Hope’s vitals, the doctor saw that she was starting to tire. She had still been in a coma only a couple of hours ago, after all.

“Gentlemen,” McCoy said, getting up from the bed and looking meaningfully at Kirk and Spock, “I think we’ll have to take a break now. My patient needs to rest.”

Kirk nodded at Bones, then turned back to Hope to excuse himself and the first officer.

“I’m not a doctor, but I’d say you’ve made impressive progress during the past hour,” the captain smiled. “Maybe we can continue our conversation soon, to bring back those last two years as well. I’m sure Bones here can’t wait to …”

Kirk trailed off, when he saw McCoy frantically shaking his head, putting a silencing finger to his lips.

“Bones?” Hope asked, obviously confused, and again it was Spock who salvaged the situation by grasping the captain’s arm and steering him towards the door.

“I think we really need to leave now, Captain,” he said, nodding politely at Hope before turning around and stepping outside.

“I’ll be back in a moment, all right?” McCoy told a bewildered Hope, before following Jim and Spock out of the room.

“What was that about, Bones?” Kirk demanded as soon as the doors had slid shut behind them. “Why did you shush me in there?”

“What do you think, Jim?” McCoy shot back. “You were going to blab about our…”

He threw Spock an uncertain glance.

“I’m well aware of your relationship, Doctor,” the first officer stated calmly. “Maybe you should try to be more aware of my Vulcan hearing, next time you talk to someone when I’m in the room, too?”

“… relationship.” McCoy finished, glaring at Spock but deciding that he didn’t have the time for a clever retort.

“You mean she doesn’t know? You didn’t tell her?” Kirk gaped at him.

“Of course not!” McCoy stared at the captain in disbelief. “Or are you seriously suggesting I should just have said, ‘Hello there, you don’t remember me, but I’m not only your doctor but also your…’”

Kirk winced at the pain in McCoy’s eyes as the doctor’s voice trailed off again.

“Jim,” McCoy went on in a calmer tone, “we can give her facts, help her with general information, about Starfleet, about her job and so on, but she needs to remember personal things by herself. We can’t tell her what to feel! Or even force a relationship on her. As long as she doesn’t remember me, much less how she felt about me, I can’t be anything but her doctor.”

“Jesus, Bones,” the captain looked at his friend with compassion, “I’m so sorry. But I’m convinced she’ll remember soon. Just think of the progress she’s made in the short time we’ve been with her.”

“Thanks Jim,” McCoy said softly, itching to get back to Hope. “I’d better get back now, our knowing about her past seems to have rattled her a little.”

When the doctor stepped back into Hope’s room, she was still sitting up in bed, knees drawn up to her chest and hugging herself, slightly shivering with exhaustion and nerves, and it took every shred of his willpower not to race over and just gather her in his arms.

“Does it bother you that we know about your past?” he asked carefully, perching on the edge of her bed again and watching her face closely for any reaction.

“I don’t know,” Hope admitted, “It surprised me, I guess. Why did Starfleet change their mind about keeping it secret, anyway?”

She inched her hand closer to his until they almost touched, and McCoy was once again overwhelmed by his love for her and the burning need to give her security.

Tenderly covering her fingers with his, he looked straight into her eyes as he told her, “You bore the burden of that secret long enough, and when it was threatening to break you, you were given permission to tell us.”

That was all she needed to know for the time being, although the doctor could tell from her face that she was waiting for details. The vulnerability of knowing less about herself than the people around her was clearly getting to her, and McCoy wished he had a way of simply returning her memories to her.

He knew her so well, knew that, at that moment, she wanted nothing more than to be held, desperately needed to be reassured that someone was looking out for her and would not let anyone take advantage of her current predicament.

Would it really be so terrible to hold her? Even as her doctor? She needed it, and he’d done it before. On several occasions and without feeling guilty. But it had really been platonic then. At least that’s what he’d told himself. Now that he knew her so much better, had shared so many intimate moments with her, it would definitely be a challenge not to overstep the line once he gave in to his desire to be close to her.

“You should get some rest now, it’s been quite a lot for you to take in today,” he finally smiled, gently patting her hand, then casually added, “you look like you could really need a hug.”

McCoy felt a wave of love and affection wash over him, as he watched Hope’s eyes light up at his words, glad that he’d resolved to say them out loud.

“I really could,” she chuckled shyly, her face hopeful. “How did you know?”

“Told you I know you quite well, love,” he grinned, trying hard not to sound too eager while opening his arms invitingly.

She only hesitated a moment before leaning into his embrace and melting into him when he closed his arms around her. The feeling was sheer bliss, and McCoy had to bite his lip hard not to let out a moan of pleasure at finally holding her close, the one thing he’d craved more than anything ever since she’d woken up hours before.

He let all the pent-up emotions of the past three days, all his love, and worry, and fear, and despair flow into his embrace, and was glad that she didn’t seem to mind, as she snuggled against his chest, heaving the world’s biggest sigh. And who knew? Maybe she’d even start to remember?

She didn’t. But hurtful as it was to have to let her go again after only a couple of minutes, the feeling of her warm, familiar body against his, so full of life again, knowing that she enjoyed the hug and that he could make her feel safe, if only for the shortest time, was definitely worth it.


	34. Chapter 34

Safely ensconced in the doctor’s arms, Jenny felt all right for the first time since waking up. When he’d opened his arms for her, his kind eyes so full of compassion, she’d been helpless to resist the offered hug and just let herself sink into his embrace. And when his strong arms had closed around her, so carefully, so gently, she’d suddenly felt confident that, somehow, she was going to be fine again.

Feeling the solid beat of his heart against her cheek, his hands drawing slow circles on her back, Jenny wished he’d never let her go again, or that she could at least ask him for another hug later. But of course, she couldn’t. And wouldn’t. What would he think of her? She was a Starfleet officer after all. Or so she’d been told. And Dr. McCoy had been kind enough to spend so much time with her already. Surely, he had other patients, too, or wanted to go off shift at some point and enjoy his free time.

But when she finally brought herself to pull out of his embrace, the doctor still didn’t seem in any haste to leave. He performed a few more tests, drew a little blood from her, and called the friendly nurse from earlier to take the blood sample to the lab. The two of them shared an amused smile, obviously some inside joke, when Jenny mentioned how glad she was that she wasn’t working in the medical department and didn’t have to do anything as gruesome as drawing blood.

After that, she soon grew tired again, and was relieved when the doctor reassured her that this was completely normal under the circumstances, and that, no, she wasn’t normally that tired. Quite the contrary, he laughed, his eyes shining with mirth and this soothing almost-tenderness with which he’d already looked at her several times before.

He helped her rearrange her pillow and settle back down in her bed, tucking her in like a child, which made her smile, because it was so sweet, and yet so comforting. And he was still there, busily tapping away on his PADD, when she drifted off to sleep.

Unsurprisingly, he was also there when she woke up again some time later, greeting her with the softest smile, and Jenny had the impression that he had hoped for her memory to miraculously return in her sleep almost as much as she had. He didn’t say so, of course, but she still felt like she was disappointing him.

After a few more tests, and obviously satisfied with the test results of her blood sample, the doctor took her off the drip, then went to get her a sandwich and a coffee, confident that he knew what she liked without even having to ask her first. As it turned out, he’d made a good choice, the sandwich was scrumptious, the coffee perfect. Although it was still unsettling that other people should know her better than she did herself, she didn’t really mind with Dr. McCoy. His kindness and concern were heart-warming, and the realisation that he knew her so well sent a pleasant shiver down her spine.

Not yet having eaten, either, the doctor had brought a sandwich and coffee for himself, too, and Jenny enjoyed a little semblance of normality in her disturbing situation, as they sat at a small table sharing a meal, even though it was still in sickbay. His help with getting out of bed and covering the few steps to the table with his arm tightly wrapped around her waist in support, had also been extremely pleasant, of course. She remembered craving safety, touch and physical connection ever since she’d found herself catapulted into this century, and the doctor’s protectiveness was like balm to her soul.

Sensing that she had yet to rediscover big parts of her personality, Jenny was still feeling insecure. But Dr. McCoy was so easy to talk to, that she soon found herself engrossed in an animated conversation. She admitted that, grateful as she was for all the memories she’d regained already, things just weren’t going fast enough for her, at which the doctor smirked knowingly. Patience was quite obviously not her strong suit, she concluded.

She also told him that she couldn’t believe she was an officer, a lieutenant even, and on Starfleet’s flagship, too, without remembering any of it.

“You’re a pretty impressive lady,” McCoy smiled, eyes sparkling with fond amusement, when she voiced all this, “and I’m confident you’ll remember that about yourself soon.”

“To think that the famous Captain Kirk hugged me!” she gushed, blushing when she realised that she sounded like an infatuated teenager, and relieved to see the doctor just grin and shake his head indulgently. “And how did I become an officer anyway, when I was barely cleared for being stationed on a starbase? I know about parallel universes. Is this one of them?”

The words and ideas were tumbling out of her now, and McCoy seemed torn between hilarity and regret. No matter how much she pleaded with him, he refused to give her any answers, adamant that she needed to remember the details in her own good time. He did, however, reassure her that this wasn’t a parallel universe, that she was still in the same one she remembered. And that she had definitely earned her stripes, and absolutely deserved where she stood, and everything she was, now.

He clearly wanted her to feel confident and good about herself, and it meant a lot to her. To make her feel even better, the doctor told Jenny over ‘dinner’ that he’d let her have more guests tomorrow. People he knew were good friends and might help her uncover a few more details about herself. 

“If your test results tomorrow are as good as today, I might even consider letting you return to your quarters, Lieutenant!” he smiled.

Jenny thought it was sweet how he put special emphasis on her rank, quite obviously wanting to boost her self-confidence a little more, and was happy at the prospect of being released from sickbay soon. She didn’t miss, however, that he also seemed a little uneasy at the thought, probably preferring to have his patients close by, she guessed. He _did_ seem protective like that.

* * *

When Jenny woke up the next morning, the door to her room was open, and she could hear a jumble of voices outside. It took her a few moments to remember where she was, and when the events of the last day came rushing back, the realisation that she still didn’t remember any more about the people she’d met yesterday, hit her hard.

A cold fear that she might never recover all of her memories gripped her, and she wished Dr. McCoy were here to hold and comfort her again. Things had seemed less scary in his presence, and she really hoped he would be back today.

She’d enjoyed their conversation over coffee immensely, and had had a hard time concealing her dismay, when he’d announced that it was time to go to sleep. He’d called the nurse on night duty to help her to the bathroom and get ready for the night, and then made a rather hasty retreat, wishing her a good night and promising to be back in the morning.

Maybe he’d lost track of time, she thought, and had suddenly remembered that he had somewhere else to be. She didn’t know when his shift had started and ended, but it was pretty obvious to her that he’d stayed in sickbay much longer than a single shift could last. For her. And she was very grateful for that. But of course, he had other things to do as well. As she’d found out, he wasn’t just any doctor, either, he was the ship’s CMO, no less. And he’d still taken all that time to personally be there for her. Further proof that he really was the kind-hearted man he seemed to be.

Jenny hadn’t been awake long, when Nurse Chapel came through the door, carrying coffee, juice, and some toast on a tray, which she placed on her bedside table with a smile.

“How are you this morning, Jenny?” she asked brightly, then quickly added, “Is it all right, if I call you Jenny? I mean, we used to be… er … we are friends.”

“Of course it is! And I sincerely hope that I’ll actually remember this soon,” Jenny chuckled ruefully, “Christine, isn’t it?”

The nurse nodded, delighted that she’d remembered her name, and Jenny suddenly felt a little lighter. Lovely as the doctor was, having a female friend was absolutely fantastic.

As if reading her thoughts, Christine said, “Dr. McCoy actually wanted to see you first thing this morning, but something came up and he’s busy now. Would you like to have breakfast with me instead?”

Jenny beamed at the nurse and eagerly nodded, so Chapel quickly went to get herself another coffee, then pulled up a chair and made herself comfortable next to Jenny’s bed. Christine had, of course, been instructed not to divulge any ‘private affairs’, but thought it was harmless enough to talk about the _Enterprise_ and her crew in general, which was just fine by her patient.

McCoy, Jenny learned, had arranged for a few other friends to come and visit her this morning, and Christine gave her a little heads-up as to what to expect. There would be Nyota Uhura, apparently her closest friend aboard, who was head of communications and the other singer in a band they had started together almost two years ago. Jenny was absolutely delighted to hear about being a singer in a band. She’d always loved music.

Pavel Chekov, a young navigator on bridge duty, was another close friend, and Chapel told her that he was sweet, very funny, and her dancing partner, which was why she spent quite a lot of time with him. This was getting better and better! She absolutely adored dancing and couldn’t wait to meet Pavel.

Christine mentioned a lot of other names, and Jenny tried hard to memorise them all. Apparently, there was Hikaru Sulu, Chekov’s friend and her self-appointed sparring coach, Scotty, the lovable but nerdy chief of engineering who lived for his engines, and a number of other people who she was friends with. Much to her joy, she seemed to have a lot of them aboard the _Enterprise_. Unless Christine was exaggerating, she even had quite a cordial relationship with the captain and the first officer.

Her head still buzzing with all this new information, she almost didn’t hear Dr. McCoy come in a little later, but the moment she looked into his kind face, she felt a pleasant warmth surge through her body, the memory of his gentle arms around her coming rushing back in full force.

The doctor didn’t have much time, apparently there had been an incident in one of the labs, but he still wanted to see how she was doing today. Quickly checking her vitals and briefly touching a hand to her forehead, he grunted in what she took to be approval, and promised to deal with her release from sickbay when he was back in the afternoon.

He was in a hurry and quite obviously exasperated with whoever had caused the lab incident, but Jenny could still feel his genuine interest in her well-being as he wished her an enjoyable morning with some of her friends. Before he left again, he hovered over her for an awkward moment, and for a weird second Jenny thought he was going to kiss her forehead or something, but then he just reached out to give her a friendly pat on the cheek, and was out the door without another glance.

The rest of the morning passed in a flash. Nyota was plainly awesome, and she felt an immediate connection, clearly seeing how this clever and feisty woman could be her best friend. Pavel was really sweet, too, with his adorable accent and his silly jokes. He eagerly agreed, when she suggested a training session as soon as Dr. McCoy let her out of sickbay, and the way he looked at her made her wonder, if he had a crush on her, and if they were, in fact, more than just friends and dancing partners.

As promised, when McCoy returned in the afternoon, he scanned her one more time, and then officially released her from sickbay. He insisted, however, on personally taking her to her quarters, hopeful that anything there might spark further memories. Unfortunately, her quarters did nothing to help, and the doctor seemed really disappointed at that.

“It’s all right, Doctor,” Jenny said, feeling the urge to comfort him for a change, “everybody is being so kind to me, and I really had a blast getting to know some of my friends again this morning.”

McCoy was standing close to her, searching her face carefully and listening intently as she spoke.

“Really, it’s okay,” Jenny went on, resting a hand on his arm, “I seem to have recovered all my professional knowledge, I even know my way around the _Enterprise_ without anything actually seeming familiar, and I’ve got almost my whole life’s memories back. So, even if I never get the last two years back, I’ll be fine. It’s only a couple of years, and it’ll be fun to get to know everybody again.”

The way the doctor’s eyes welled up compassionately at her words, she almost expected another comforting hug, and was secretly very disappointed when he just briefly touched a hand to her cheek.

“I’m sure you’ll be fine,” he murmured, his voice thick with emotion, before more or less bolting out the door with a quiet, “Good night, Hope!”

 _What a soft-hearted man Dr. McCoy really is, to let a patient’s fate affect him so much_ , Jenny thought fondly, staring at the door that had just slid shut behind him, and basking in the lingering feeling of warmth and security.


	35. Chapter 35

McCoy stumbled blindly out of Hope’s quarters, praying that his legs wouldn’t give way beneath him until the doors had shut behind him. With her last words, Hope might as well have stabbed him in the heart. The pain was blinding, but he somehow made it into the turbolift, stopped it between decks, and sank to the floor, his back sliding down the wall until he was sitting with his arms hugging his knees to his chest, feeling cold and completely numb.

The last two years didn’t matter, she’d said, pulling the rug right out from under him. She hadn’t meant to hurt him, of course. Sweet, compassionate Hope never would. Quite the contrary, she had, in fact, seen how upset he was and tried to comfort him. And how could she have known? Known that her kind words had the exact opposite effect? Known that those two years had been _their_ years, certainly the most important and wonderful years of his life?

It hadn’t even been 48 hours since she’d come out of coma, and he knew, of course, that it was still absolutely possible for her to recover all of her memories, especially considering the impressive progress she’d made in less than two days. But after already having had to move all her things back from his quarters to hers today, trying to make it look like she’d been living there all along, _this_ had just been the final straw.

He’d once thought that his love for her was unconditional, that his feelings for her were the same no matter whether she loved him back or not. And it was true. Of course, it was. He still loved her with all his heart, would always love her, couldn’t stop if he tried. He’d always look out for her, do everything to make her happy, to keep her safe. But, God, did it hurt not to see that same love mirrored in her eyes, to be just another crewmate to her.

If he was honest with himself, it hadn’t always been easy to keep his feelings to himself before Hope had professed her love for him, before they’d become lovers, either. But now that he knew what it was like to be loved by her, to feel truly happy and safe in a relationship, losing that love felt as if his heart were being ripped out. She was a part of him. The most important part. The best part. Without her, he was incomplete. Broken.

Was this it? His one chance at true love cruelly taken from him just like that? He’d never believed in happy ever after, not really, but he felt he’d been pretty close with Hope. And now he just felt betrayed. Cheated out of happiness by fate.

But he wouldn’t just break down. He’d neither give up hope, nor Hope. Self-pity and despair were suddenly replaced by fierce determination. Wiping the last of his angry tears off his face, McCoy got up, let the turbolift continue to its destination, and then resolutely strode towards his quarters.

He’d dig up every snippet of research on amnesia that had ever been published, and he’d find a way to bring Hope’s memories back. He owed it to them. To _her_ , because he just knew that she’d been as happy in their relationship as he had been. And now, she needed him to fight for the both of them.

* * *

Sitting at his desk until late that night, McCoy felt a little better. At least he was doing something that might actually help, rather than just wallow in self-pity. Whenever his glance wandered over to the sleeping area of his quarters, however, he caught himself hoping to find Jenny lying there on the bed, reading and waiting for him to join her for a much-needed cuddle and maybe more, like she used to. Then his mind would wander off to her quarters, wondering how she was doing without him, and he could barely breathe at the thought of her all alone in her bed, scared, or at least worried about her condition and her future.

He’d been furious when some idiot had blown up half the biochemical lab this morning, having so desperately wanted to be there when Hope woke up. To have breakfast with her, see if she’d been miffed by his hurried exit the evening before. He’d seen how unhappy she was when he’d left so suddenly, of course. And unbeknownst to her, he’d spent the night on the spare bunk in his office, just to be near her. But having to leave her to the nurse’s care, when he should have been the one to help her get ready for bed, to steady her while she cleaned her teeth, had been unbearable, and he just hadn’t been able to stay any longer.

Holding her close for the few steps over to the table earlier, had simply not been enough. She needed so much more tender care than that. And, frankly, so did he. Hope definitely wasn’t the only one thriving on touch, although it had taken McCoy quite some time to realise that. He’d lived without far too long, never even noticing how touch-starved he was. Until Hope came along. And even then, he’d been convinced for a long time that all their physical contact, the little touches and hugs he’d tried to sneak in, were merely for her benefit. But now that he’d got used to it, his body and soul craving Hope’s touch, her closeness, he just didn’t know how to function without it anymore.

Yet, maybe giving Hope space in the morning had been for the best. Christine had told him that they’d enjoyed a lovely breakfast together. And being around her all the time was probably just making things worse for him, anyway. He’d almost slipped up and kissed her this morning. With his mind circling around the lab accident, pressing a quick kiss to her lips before hurrying back to his patients had been the thing he’d just do automatically.

Later, he’d watched her with Chekov. She hadn’t spotted him standing outside her door, but he had seen how cheerful she’d been, how carefree she’d seemed. He’d been happy for her, of course. But he’d also envied Chekov immensely for being allowed to openly flirt with her, and wished he were free to do that, too. But he was her doctor, and that meant that his conduct towards her had to be beyond reproach.

Then he thought back to holding her the day before. Hope might not have been as carefree as she’d been with Chekov, but the way she’d trustingly snuggled into his arms, how she’d let him comfort her, unhesitatingly allowing him to be close, had been far better than any cheerful smile could ever be. That’s what he would hold on to, the knowledge that, even if he didn’t have her love right now, he still had her unreserved trust.

* * *

Jenny briefly thought about calling Uhura or Chekov, to have dinner together, but found that she couldn’t really be bothered. She wasn’t hungry at all, and certainly didn’t feel up to dancing, but rather felt like having an early night. Quite obviously, the fatigue that came with severe blood loss and coma, wasn’t something you could shake in a day or two.

Dr. McCoy had, of course, predicted as much, and had got her some nuts and orange juice on the way to her quarters, placing them lovingly on her bedside table while she’d been snooping around her own room looking for anything that might trigger more memories.

Thinking about the doctor and the gentle, caring way he low-key fussed about her, sent the warmest feeling through her body, and when she slid into bed and pulled the sheets around her, Jenny imagined being wrapped up in his comforting arms once more, his kind eyes so tenderly searching her face. Parallel universe or not, a ship where wonderful people like him were looking out for her, was definitely a good place to wake up to.

* * *

The next day, Jenny felt much more energetic again, and went straight to sickbay to tell Dr. McCoy. He looked tired, worn out really, and she thought that the lab incident must have been worse than Christine had let on the day before. But despite his obvious fatigue, the doctor’s face brightened at her news, and he sat down with her, wanting to know everything about her evening and night.

Had she slept well? Had she felt comfortable in her quarters? Had she eaten anything since he’d last seen her? No? He looked at her reproachfully, grabbed her by the hand and unceremoniously walked her out of sickbay and towards the mess. And despite his brusque manner, Hope found that she could never get enough of his overprotective mothering.

Over breakfast, which McCoy sheepishly admitted to not having had, either, the doctor explained that he wouldn’t clear her for duty just yet, but that she was free to go meet her team and find out how much she remembered about their current project. Jenny was surprised by how much the doctor seemed to know about her work, but he just smiled and told her that she was an interesting person to listen to.

McCoy suggested meeting him for lunch again afterwards, her eating habits seeming to be of utmost concern to him, and tell him how things had gone. To her surprise, or maybe not, Jenny found her heart skipping a beat at the prospect.

The meeting with her staff went really well. It felt strange, of course, to realise that she was in charge of a project and people she’d never seen before, but she guessed it must have been even weirder for them, to have their superior of several months suddenly ask them their names and qualifications. But, like the rest of the crew, they were extremely understanding and helpful. And the joy they expressed at seeing her well again, seemed genuine enough.

When she met the doctor again for lunch, Jenny joyously told him that she felt more than ready to resume her work in linguistics, and the way he shared in her delight, made her feel all warm and fuzzy inside, filling her with a renewed longing to feel his strong arms around her again. This infatuation with Dr. McCoy seemed to be getting a little out of hand. She’d really have to watch herself around him.

McCoy had just told her that he was inclined to clear her for duty as soon as he’d discussed it with the captain, when Chekov and Sulu joined them at their table. Jenny was happy to see them, but the doctor’s mood seemed to shift the minute they were sitting down. She couldn’t pinpoint what it was exactly, but the CMO almost seemed annoyed, as if they were intruding on a date. The thought made her smile.

Jenny had observed these sudden mood swings in McCoy several times already. Warm, protective, and caring one moment, he could be angry, antsy, and in a hurry to get away the next. She couldn’t even make out a pattern, he was just unpredictable. Irascible. And she couldn’t help feeling that it was somehow her fault.

She’d tried to talk to Christine about it, but the nurse had just waved it off as normal. Sure, the doctor was as moody as he was brilliant, and could be an annoying curmudgeon at times, Chapel had said, but then had been quick to add that he certainly had a heart of gold and would always fight fiercely for his friends‘ and patients‘ lives and safety.

Dr. McCoy sounded adorably like a grumpy Papa Bear, and Jenny couldn’t deny that she was enjoying every minute of his company. 


	36. Chapter 36

Obviously, with amnesia, there wasn’t all that much you could do but give it time. And hope. McCoy was still spending his nights researching, but he always seemed to end up with the same disappointing result. There were so many different kinds of amnesia, so many different outcomes and experiences. As he’d told a disappointed Hope long ago, the human brain was still quite a mystery, even in the 23rd century with all its advanced science and opportunities.

The more research he did, however, the more reason he saw to be thankful. That Hope had recovered such a large portion of her memory in such a short time, and was able to just continue with her job as well as all the things she liked to do in her free time, was certainly not the norm. She had been incredibly lucky, and the doctor was grateful for that. Giving up their relationship suddenly seemed like a small price to pay for her to continue her life and her career otherwise unimpaired.

Nevertheless, McCoy still hoped for her to remember. But days turned into weeks, and he started to resign himself to the possibility that she might never recover the past two years. The thought was painful beyond belief, and he was sorry not only for himself, but also for what she had lost. She’d been truly happy, and she’d loved those memories. Spending whole nights reminiscing with him had been one of her favourite things, he thought fondly, hoping against hope that they’d at least get the chance to make new memories.

But things were different now, and she seemed happy, too, fully functional as an officer and having fun getting to know everyone again. Hope was exactly the same woman as before, did the same things, had the same passions and the same wonderful personality. She was the same wonderful woman he’d fallen in love with, the same woman who’d fallen in love with him. But she wasn’t _his_ wonderful woman anymore.

She was getting to know him again, of course, and he was grateful that she was still so comfortable around him. Trusted him, felt safe with him, liked to spend time with him. But since she wasn’t working in sickbay anymore, they just didn’t see as much of each other as they used to during her first year aboard. She was having her evening coffee mostly with other people now, was growing close to other people, too. Their connection wasn’t as special to her as it had been the first time around.

And it certainly didn’t help that he sometimes actively avoided her, because being near her, without being close, was often just too much to bear. Hope was his life, but he had to pretend that she was just a patient, just another crew member. They belonged together, but she simply didn’t remember. At times, the desire to sweep her into his arms and hold her forever was just too overwhelming, and he had to get away from her as fast as he could. Other times, it was the helplessness turning into anger, that made him run off without explanation before he could say or do anything he’d definitely regret afterwards.

There were no words to describe how terribly he missed her. From the minute he woke up in the morning to the moment he crawled into his cold, empty bed at night. The nights were the worst. He yearned for her warm, delightful body nestled against him so comfortingly. And it wasn’t even the sex he missed most. It was the closeness, the tenderness, the intimacy. Of course, he’d been alone in his bed, dreaming about her more often than he cared to remember during her first year aboard, too. But it was so much worse now that he knew what it was like to be with her. How good they were together.

What probably hurt most, though, was the fact that he couldn’t discuss any of this with her, couldn’t share this burden with her, couldn’t depend on her optimism and draw comfort from her unconditional support. He’d got so used to telling her about everything on his mind, including medical matters way beyond her expertise. And even though she might often not have been able to make any scientific recommendations, just talking about things usually helped.

But he was truly alone in this now. After months of convincing himself that it was okay to drop his shields and let someone in again, to trust and rely on someone once more, he was back to where he’d always known he belonged, yet had hoped never to find himself again. Alone.

* * *

Jenny was feeling better and stronger with every day that passed. She loved her work, feeling immensely proud that her plan to focus on her studies and career had obviously worked out so well. Rank of lieutenant, head of her own, if small, department, and all that within five years of waking up to a completely different world and time.

The thought that she’d just come out of another coma, sleep, stasis, whatever it had been, with no real idea of how long she’d been out, was, of course, still a little unsettling. But for some reason she had this total, instinctive trust in Dr. McCoy, and, frankly, couldn’t see any reason why he, or any of the others, should have been lying to her. Not to forget his genuine shock and concern, when he’d found out that she didn’t remember him.

Besides, she’d definitely heard of Captain James T. Kirk and the _Enterprise_ during her Academy years. And the captain looked exactly like the holos she’d seen of him, so she really couldn’t have been asleep that long.

_The Enterprise._

Jenny still couldn’t believe that she’d not only been cleared for starship duty, but had even made it to the Fleet’s flagship. Beside her work, she loved everything about the _Enterprise_. All the activities she engaged in in her free time, the band and dancing mostly, of course, but, above all, really, she liked the crew. Jenny might only begin to know them again, but they already felt like friends.

The doctor was still her favourite. Maybe because he’d been there when she’d first woken up, and had so kindly and caringly looked after her ever since. Or simply because he’d been the one to take her in his arms, and she just couldn’t forget how wonderful his warm embrace had felt. Jenny was also aware that he was still dedicating a lot of his free time to doing research on amnesia, for which she was immensely grateful, and which sent a warm feeling to her stomach every time she thought about it.

McCoy knew how vulnerable she felt, with who knew how many of her memories still missing, maybe even lost forever, and his protectiveness was just what she needed. Although the doctor’s mood swings seemed to have become more frequent recently, and she sometimes got the impression that he was actually angry with her.

One moment he was kind and fun, seeming to enjoy their conversation, and looking at her with a tenderness that went straight to her heart, and the next, he couldn’t get away fast enough, suddenly seeming angry, or maybe disappointed, with her. And she had no idea why.

She’d even tried to talk to him about it, outright asked if she’d done anything to annoy him, if there was some disagreement between them she didn’t remember, some unfinished business. But he’d just brushed it off as something she imagined while actually getting mad at the question, only to touch the gentlest hand to her face, tenderly caressing her cheek and looking deeply into her eyes the next moment.

Maybe the obligation he felt, as her doctor, to look after her was getting too much, and he was fed up with playing the babysitter. Or maybe she’d been too obvious, he’d noticed how incredibly drawn she felt to him and just didn’t want to lead her on. Just because she loved to be near him, didn’t necessarily mean that he wanted that, too.

Perhaps she should stop taking up so much of his time and spend more time with her other friends instead. Relieve him a little of babysitting duty. The strange thing was just that, whenever she did, McCoy still seemed to hover somewhere nearby, not quite able to stop watching over her.

Anyways, she really wanted to keep focused on her career, no matter how often she might dream of the doctor’s arms and smile. She’d be going on her first landing party soon, and she couldn’t wait. All Jenny had to do was pass a physical exam before then, and she truly hoped that McCoy would let her. 

* * *

“You can get dressed again, love,” McCoy smiled at Hope when he’d finished his examination, perching on the edge of the nearby computer desk and skimming through the results of her blood tests.

He just couldn’t stop calling her ‘love’, but thankfully, she didn’t seem to mind, simply taking it as his way of talking. Like he called other patients ‘darling’ or ‘sweetheart’.

When he looked up from his display again, however, Hope still hadn’t moved and just kept staring at him, sort of expectantly. Then the penny dropped. She was waiting for him to leave, or at least turn around, while she took off the medical gown and changed back into her uniform.

“I’ll be back in a minute to talk about your results,” he mumbled, making a quick exit and sitting down heavily at the desk in his office next door.

He’d simply forgotten. But this was the woman he knew inside out, as intimately as you could know anyone. He was familiar with every one of her birthmarks, knew what every single inch of her skin felt like, hell, even tasted like. He knew how to make her melt under his touch, how beautiful she looked when she was in the throes of passion. How to rub her back to make her purr with pleasure and where to tickle her to make her squeal and giggle. And now he had to leave the room while she got changed.

McCoy rested his head in his hands, wondering how much more he could take. He loved Hope more than anything else in the world, and always would. But the hurt was just overwhelming, and he could feel himself approaching breaking point. Sitting with her before she’d woken from her coma, he’d believed to be prepared for anything, happy to stay by her side and care for her no matter what. Determined to deal with whatever physical and/or mental handicap she might have been left with, making sure that she got all the love and care she needed, never leaving her side. But that wasn’t possible now. He was forced to keep his distance. Give her privacy. Take care of her from afar.

And in less than a week, she’d be on her first assignment joining a landing party again. De facto her first, as far as she was concerned. McCoy remembered only too well how nervous she’d been on her actual first assignment. And how dangerous it had turned out despite starting off as completely harmless. Well, if Jim wanted her to go, he’d have to let the doctor join the landing party, too. There was no other way McCoy was going to clear Hope for this assignment.


	37. Chapter 37

When Dr. McCoy returned some minutes later, he seemed frazzled, and Jenny’s heart went out to him and whoever had been unfortunate enough to cross him in the short time he’d been away. Thankfully, it didn’t seem to have anything to do with her results, since the doctor, although rather distractedly, told her that she was in excellent health and could certainly join the landing party after he’d cleared a few details with Captain Kirk.

Seeing her relief and joy at the good news, McCoy even managed a smile, but Jenny sensed that his mind was already elsewhere. So she just quickly thanked him and all but skipped out of sickbay, heading straight for the gym, where she was meeting Chekov for one of their dancing units.

Leaning back against the back panel of the turbolift, she couldn’t believe how much she’d just enjoyed her physical, smiling at the thought that she was probably the only crew member who did. But opportunities to be near the doctor were rare these days, and she’d relished every gentle touch, not caring that they had just been part of the examination.

Having the doctor stand so close that she could feel the warmth radiating from his body had given her goose bumps, and, ridiculous as it sounded, she thought he smelled so nice. Jenny didn’t know why, maybe her dad had used a similar aftershave or something, but Dr. McCoy, even with the ever-present waft of antiseptic, somehow smelled like home.

After her dancing session with Chekov, where Pavel had once again left no doubt about his feelings for her, Jenny indulged in a real-water shower to celebrate her excellent test results, exhilarated at the prospect of joining her first – at least to her memory – landing party. Later, in bed, thinking about Chekov’s eagerness, she couldn’t help but wonder if she might actually have reciprocated his feelings before her coma.

Pavel was certainly a brilliant and attractive young man, although she somehow always thought of him as more of a boy. He was kind and fun, and would undoubtedly be a good match as far as rank and age were concerned. She was also pretty sure that he’d make a really attentive boyfriend, but she just couldn’t see them together. Not unless being in his arms while dancing could make her feel the way she had in McCoy’s arms.

_Oh God, can’t I even finish a single thought without the doctor invading it?_ she grumbled to herself, feeling her heart skip a beat just at the idea of dancing with McCoy.

No, there was no way she could see Pavel as anything but a friend. She’d have to find the right moment to tell him that, even if it hurt him and meant that he didn’t want to continue their dancing sessions. But she definitely didn’t want to lead him on. Maybe that was precisely the pickle McCoy found himself in with her, Jenny thought despondently. That he liked her, but just not in that way.

Trying to shift her thoughts away from the doctor and her non-existent love life, Jenny tried to recapitulate all the information she’d gathered about herself so far, concerning those last two missing years. McCoy – _God, here he was again_ – had encouraged everyone aboard to tell her as many facts about the past two years as they wanted, in the hope that something might trigger her memories, but at the same time had instructed the crew to really stick to the facts, and not to foist any private suspicions, based on guesswork and gossip, on her, especially concerning her personal life. If they wanted her to truly remember, feeding her false information would certainly not be helpful.

There had, of course, been a few personal things that people had let slip nevertheless, but nothing that really seemed of relevance to her. As for the facts, Jenny had so far learned that, to her great astonishment, she’d worked in sickbay – although that might explain why the doctor knew her so well, had been on a dangerous first mission from which she’d returned with a broken ankle after saving the captain’s life – _a little exaggerated, surely_ – and also Peterson’s from security before that – _definitely exaggerated._

She’d further been told that she’d been on the _Lexington_ for six months, and had headed her own department of linguistics ever since her return. That her and Uhura’s gigs with the band were legendary, and, her favourite, that she was reportedly good friends with at least half the crew.

Chekov had told her of their many dancing shows, giggling about how McCoy used to freak out over their Rock’n’Roll acrobatics, and that she’d saved Christmas for several crewmates by preparing surprise presents for anyone who would have gone without otherwise. All with Pavel’s help of course. Apparently, she had even once performed field surgery on him, which she’d taken for one of Chekov’s less tasteful jokes at first, but which McCoy had later confirmed with a soft, almost emotional look in his eyes.

Uhura had been the one to fill her in on all the little things, like what her favourite replicated food was – chicken salad sandwich, the one McCoy had got her after he’d taken her off the drip, which song she’d loved to perform most – _To Make You Feel My Love,_ which had come as no surprise to her, but which, being a classic country song, quite obviously wasn’t one of Nyota’s favourites, that she’d become some sort of yoga guru on the _Enterprise_ , and many more little facts like that.

Since Nyota was not only her best friend, but also without doubt the most communicative, Jenny kept pestering her about her pre-coma relationships, specifically her love life, wanting to know so badly if she’d been more than friends with anyone aboard. But so far, Uhura had remained annoyingly vague in that regard. She’d admitted to being under the impression that Jenny might actually have been in love, or something to that effect. Lots of words in intricate sentences full of question marks and maybes. She wouldn’t even hint at who she had in mind. It had never been more than a sneaking suspicion, anyway, Uhura had claimed, since Jenny had always adamantly denied it.

Closing her eyes with a groan, she tried to wrack her brains once more for some little memory, anything at all. She didn’t know why, but she just couldn’t shake the feeling that those two years had not only been incredibly adventurous and career-furthering, but also very emotional. The thought that someone aboard might know her much more intimately than they let on, was, to say the least, unsettling, but also made her sad. If she’d been in love with someone, she really wanted to know.

When Uhura hadn’t been very forthcoming, Jenny had tried to approach the subject from a different angle, asking her if she knew of anyone who might have feelings for her.

But Nyota, seeing right through her, had just laughed and said, “Take your pick, sugar! There’s not a person aboard who’s not in love with you.”

“You mean it could be a woman, too?” Jenny had exclaimed, disheartened by the now even wider choice of possible ‘candidates’.

“Not that I know of, but, hell, yeah. Why not, I guess?” Uhura had chuckled, obviously pleased that she’d managed to confuse her friend even more.

After that conversation, Jenny’s mind had gone into overdrive, much to Nyota’s amusement. She’d considered Christine – no way, although the nurse was lovely, Peterson – he’d been extremely grateful, mentioning her saving his life several times, and finally had even straight out asked Uhura, if they’d been in love.

Nyota had doubled over with laughter at that, assuring her that, although they’d been very close and she loved her dearly, there had never been anything remotely romantic between them.

“Don’t let this drive you crazy, Jenny, you’ll figure it out in the end,” her friend had said at last, and then cryptically added, “As far as I can tell, you’re already on the right track, anyway. Just keep following your heart and everything will be fine. No need to rush into anything, either. If it is who I think it is, he’ll stick around.”

Back to ‘he’, then, well at least that was something. Follow her heart? Uhura’s advice kept haunting her. Who had Nyota been talking about? There was only one person her heart really wanted to follow. But there was no way Uhura could know about him, was there?

Looking at the time, Jenny realised that she had to go to sleep quickly, if she didn’t want to show up for her shift like a zombie the next day. Closing her eyes, she pictured all the possible ‘candidates’ one more time, thinking how much easier things would be, if McCoy were actually an option.

_Well, a girl could dream._

But seriously, she thought, how sad would it be, if there really had been someone, and she didn’t remember being in love with them, especially, if the feeling had been mutual. If only she could find out who it was, maybe she could learn to love them again?

* * *

Chekov was in seventh heaven. They’d put in a dancing unit almost every evening, and not once, since she’d woken from her coma, had Hope mentioned loving him like a brother. In fact, she’d actually flirted with him, something she’d never done before. Not even in the beginning, when he’d still thought he could win her heart. No, she’d always been very clear about not having any romantic feelings for him, but now things were different, and it really felt like a second chance to him.

Along with the rest of the crew, Pavel had been quite sure that Hope was actually with Dr. McCoy, and, although the thought hurt like hell, he’d accepted it as a fact. But as long as they were still dancing together, there’d always been a tiny spark of hope in his heart, that she might, one day, realise that she was madly in love with him, after all.

Maybe that day had arrived? He wouldn’t want to get in the doctor’s way, of course, but assuming him and Hope to be an item must have been a mistake after all. Honestly, even suffering from amnesia, you’d surely remember who you were in love with, wouldn’t you? No, this was his big chance, and he was going to grab it with both hands. He was going to woo Hope like she’d never been wooed before.

But perhaps he’d still have a little talk with the doctor before making a complete fool of himself. Yes, that seemed like a good idea. He’d go and see McCoy first thing tomorrow.

* * *

McCoy was surprised to see Chekov nervously pacing outside his office, obviously trying to summon up the courage to come in. What could the young Russian want to talk to him about that got him so flustered?

“Come in already, Chekov,” McCoy grumbled amicably, grabbing the surprised man’s arm and pulling him inside, “you’re going to ruin my floor if you keep running in circles like that.”

Returning to his desk and sitting down in his chair, the doctor looked at Chekov expectantly, motioning for him to sit down as well, but the young man just stood there, nervously twiddling his fingers.

“I need to talk to you about Jenny. Hope, I mean,” Chekov suddenly blurted, catching McCoy completely off guard.

Good thing the doctor was already sitting down.

“What about her?” McCoy asked, immediately getting his hackles up and looking at the young man through narrowed eyes.

“You know, I’ve always thought Jenny is an amazing woman,” the Russian continued hesitantly.

_Tell me something I don’t know,_ the doctor thought, piqued.

“But she’s never been interested in me so far. Romantically, I mean.”

“And now she is?” the doctor snapped, feeling his heart beating faster.

What was Chekov getting at?

“I don’t know,” the other man stammered, visibly losing heart, “but she hasn’t mentioned feeling for me like for a brother once since she woke up. And I think she’s … flirting with me.”

McCoy wanted to throttle him.

“Why are you telling me this, Chekov?” the doctor asked, not even trying to keep the irritation out of his voice.

“Because I need to be sure that you’re okay with this, before...” Pavel murmured, his face turning a bright shade of pink.

“Before what?” McCoy barked, leaning forward in his chair and fixing the other man with his eyes.

“Before I ask her out for, I don’t know, dinner, maybe?” Chekov’s voice was barely a whisper now.

“And why wouldn’t I be okay with that?” the doctor asked gruffly, leaning back again and trying to unclench his fists.

It wasn’t Chekov’s fault that Hope didn’t remember their love, was it?

“Well, to be honest, I’ve always thought that you and Jenny...” the young man’s voice trailed away.

“That we what?” McCoy pressed on.

He wanted to make him spell it out. Even if his heartache wasn’t Chekov’s fault, the doctor wasn’t going to make this easy on him.

“Er … that you were more than just friends?” Pavel offered awkwardly.

McCoy snorted, trying to ignore the knot that had formed in his stomach. He had to bring this absurd conversation to an end and get rid of Chekov quickly, before he lost his temper.

“You don’t need my permission, Chekov,” the doctor said, an icy tone underlying his display of composure, “Hope is free to do as she pleases, or do you think she’d flirt with you, if she were with anyone else?”

The young man shook his head sheepishly, and McCoy found that, despite all his hurt, he couldn’t stand the thought of Hope being considered as anything less than decent and loyal.

“Just maybe take it slow,” he suggested, surprising himself by how much like fatherly advice this sounded, “Hope might still recover her memory, and you wouldn’t want to be involved too deeply, if she finds out that there’s been someone else all along.”

It was true, there _was_ still hope.

And to take the focus away from himself as well as plant some doubt in Chekov’s mind, not something he felt particularly proud of, of course, McCoy nastily added, “You don’t know, there might even be someone on the _Lexington_ waiting for her.”


	38. Chapter 38

When the door had closed behind a subdued Chekov, McCoy grabbed his favourite coffee mug and flung it forcefully against the wall, satisfied to watch it shatter into a thousand little pieces. Then he slumped in his chair and took a little box out of one of his desk drawers. Opening the box, he looked forlornly at the delicate, dolphin-shaped ring in there.

They’d had to remove all jewellery, fighting to bring Hope back that fateful day she’d sacrificed her life. And his. He’d meant to return the ring with all of Hope’s other things from his quarters, but then somehow hadn’t been able to let go of it. It was a token of their love, a tiny reminder of what had once been, and she didn’t even remember having it, anyway.

 _Can’t really blame Chekov for trying_ , McCoy thought, feeling the rage and despair slowly seeping out of his body, leaving plenty of room for hopeless grief in their stead.

Anyone in their right mind would, if there was a chance to gain Hope’s affection, wouldn’t they? And at least the kid had had the decency to ask.

He couldn’t blame Hope either. She didn’t remember, and he was being increasingly distant with her, while Chekov wasn’t. He’d always thought they’d make a nice pair, anyway. Hope needed affection, and Chekov certainly wasn’t a bad choice. With McCoy out of the picture, he could actually see her falling for the young Russian. The doctor slumped even further down in his chair. And there he’d thought he’d already hit rock bottom.

Still tenderly holding Hope’s ring in his fingers, McCoy was startled out of his thoughts by Kirk’s cheerful voice, as the captain stuck his head around the door to his office.

“You wanted to talk to me about Hope and the landing party?” Jim asked brightly, stopping abruptly when he saw his friend’s obvious misery.

“What’s the matter, Bones? You look as if you’ve seen a ghost!” the captain went on as soon as the doors had hissed shut behind him, stepping towards the desk and sitting down in the chair across from McCoy.

“Chekov was just here,” the doctor murmured so low that Kirk could hardly hear him, “practically asking my permission to date Hope. And who could blame him... “

“Bones!” the captain cut him short, “You can’t just give her up without a fight! You really need to tell her!”

“I can’t, Jim!” McCoy groaned, lifting doleful eyes to Jim’s. “Don’t you see? I can’t force a relationship on her, dammit! I can’t make her love me! I’m just a man she barely knows, a man she has no feelings for.”

“You don’t know that, do you?” Kirk argued, his voice soft now.

The doctor just rolled his eyes and quietly said, “All I really want is for her to be happy, Jim.”

“Then court her, Bones! Surely you still know how to do that? Tell her how you feel! Start anew! You’ve won her heart once, you can do it again!”

The captain was getting exasperated.

“Can’t do that, either,” McCoy sighed. “I’m her doctor and her superior.”

“Technically, you were that before, too,” Jim pointed out. “Even more so, when she was still working in sickbay.”

“That was different,” the doctor argued. “We’d known each other for a year until I gave in to my feelings. And by then, even I could see how much she loved me. I don’t see that now. And I can’t make her. She’s free to choose whoever she wants. Maybe it’s even better that way. I’ve always felt she deserved better.”

“You don’t mean that,” Kirk huffed, shaking his head. “You know just as well as I do how perfect you are for each other. Hope couldn’t find anyone better. And she deserves a chance to have that again. Don’t you think? Much as I like Chekov, you and Hope were made for each other. Anyone who’s ever seen you together knows that.”

“What was it again you came here for, Jim?” McCoy changed the subject, putting the ring back in its box and returning it to its place in the drawer.

He just couldn’t keep discussing this now, he needed to clear his head first, needed some time alone to think everything Jim had just said through.

“The landing party,” Kirk replied, respecting his friend’s wish to move on with their conversation. For now, at least.

“Oh, yes,” the doctor said, sighing when he realised that this was still about Hope, after all. “Jenny’s in top form again. Physically. But with the issue of amnesia still hanging in the air, I’ll only let her go on that assignment, if you let me come, too.”

“Sure,” the captain replied without hesitation, getting up to leave and smirking at McCoy’s disbelieving look at how easily Kirk had agreed. “Another day, another chance! I had planned on letting you tag along, anyway.”

* * *

The doctor was still staring after his friend, when Hope tentatively knocked on his door.

“Need anything?” McCoy asked dismissively, immediately regretting sounding so gruff.

It wasn’t her fault he could hardly look at her. She hadn’t done anything wrong, but after talking to Chekov, he just couldn’t help feeling betrayed.

“Sorry,” Hope said in a small voice, “if this is a bad time, I can come back later.”

She looked so lost, that the doctor’s heart went out to her, any bad feelings instantly forgotten. If Hope had come here looking for help, he couldn’t just turn her away.

“What can I do for you, Hope?” he said, much more warmly this time, getting up from his desk and crossing the room towards where she was still standing in the door.

“I … I don’t know, really, I … just came to see you, it’s nothing important, sorry, Doctor,” she stammered, spinning around to slip out the door again.

“Don’t go, please stay,” McCoy exclaimed, quickly grasping her arm to keep her from leaving. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude, I’m just having a difficult time for various reasons, but you can always come to me, if you need something, or even just because you feel like it.”

The doctor’s heart beat a little faster, thinking that Hope’s subconscious still guided her to him.

“I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties,” she smiled shyly at him, looking down at his hand still on her arm. “Is there anything I can do for you? If you want to talk, I’m a good listener.”

“I know, Hope,” McCoy smiled back at her, taking his hand away again. “You always have been, but thanks, not this time.”

If only she knew how badly he wanted to talk to her, tell her everything and hear her say that it was going to be fine.

“But it was _you_ , who came to _me_ ,” the doctor reminded her gently. “So, how can I help?”

“I’m not sure, really,” she said, bemused, “I just came here, because …”

“Because?” McCoy prompted softly.

“I’m sorry, I really can’t seem to remember why I came here,” she admitted sheepishly, and he could see her eyes suddenly turning anxious. “Do you think there’s something else wrong with my brain, Doctor?”

“No, love,” McCoy tried to reassure her. “The results of your physical were excellent. We all forget things sometimes.”

They were still standing in the doorway, and the doctor beckoned her a little further inside, so that the doors would slide shut behind her. He didn’t feel like continuing their conversation at his desk, though. Standing here, so close to her, was just too delightful.

“It doesn’t even feel like I’ve forgotten the reason,” Hope said, sounding puzzled. “I don’t think I had one in the first place. It’s more like I wanted to come, because… maybe I like sickbay and loved working here?”

“You remember?” McCoy felt new hope rising inside him.

“No,” she sighed, looking crestfallen, “but I do feel comfortable here, so I guessed...”

She shrugged, and McCoy tilted his head encouragingly, sensing that there was still more she wanted to tell him.

“Oh, Doctor,” she looked straight at him, the words suddenly pouring out of her, “I know I said it’s only two years, and what’s that in the grand scheme of things. And you told me I was lucky and that I should be grateful. And I am, I really am. Things could be so much worse. But this not knowing everything about myself is driving me crazy. These gaps in my memories are scary. Does that make any sense? Don’t ask me why, but I really feel that something significant has happened in those two years, that I’m missing something … momentous.”

For a moment, McCoy was dumbstruck, with no idea how to answer. He could see it clearly now. The missing two years not only meant that she didn’t remember their love. She’d also been robbed of all the experiences that had turned her into the confident, self-assured woman she’d become. As it were, she seemed more like the insecure girl she’d been when he’d first come to know her.

She’d always been strong, very capable and mature in her work and her attitude, but emotionally, she’d come a long way in those two years, had done a lot of growing up. He’d loved the shy girl, too, of course, but he only realised now how much he missed, and needed, this amazing woman, who had returned to him from the _Lexington_ , by his side.

“Doctor, I feel afraid. Will I ever remember?” Hope broke into his thoughts.

“Well, physically, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t,” the doctor replied, trying hard to keep his voice steady. “There’s still a chance, just give it time.”

Looking at the woman before him, gazing at him with pleading eyes and clearly expecting him to pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat, McCoy had to briefly close his eyes to get his emotions back under control.

 _Screw impeccable conduct_ , he thought.

Hope was scared, and she needed him now. She needed warmth and reassurance and security. And she’d come to him of all people looking for it. Not to Chekov or anyone else, but to him. The least he could do was comfort her.

This time, he didn’t even ask, but just opened his arms for her, and when Hope instantly stepped into his embrace, closed them firmly around her again. McCoy held her tight, and she hesitantly wrapped her arms around his waist. A little shyly at first, but then she just nestled into his arms, as if she’d always been there. She wasn’t even crying, she just needed to be held. And suddenly, everything seemed all right with the world again.

Even though she still didn’t remember, and maybe never would, right now, a new start for them didn’t seem as unthinkable as it had only minutes ago. That she’d instinctively come to him with her fears, meant that there was still hope. He’d just be there for her, give her time to get to know him again. Falling in love had been wonderful the first time around, and maybe Jim was right. Maybe she would fall in love with him again.

And if, no, when she did, he could tell her all about those two years. She’d treasured all of their memories, delighted in reminiscing about their time together, but what she’d always enjoyed most, was him telling ‘their story’. Hope could never get enough of hearing him tell her all about how he’d fallen in love with her. Head over heels that first evening in the mess, and then a little further every day. She’d certainly love hearing all that again.


	39. Chapter 39

Jenny buried her face in the doctor’s chest, inhaling his comforting scent and relishing being wrapped in his protective embrace. She’d been longing to be this close to him again for weeks, and it felt just wonderful. To think that only minutes ago, she’d been feeling scared, alone, lost. And McCoy’s tender arms had taken all those feelings away, just like that, and replaced them with warm comfort. This was exactly what she’d been dreaming about every night. And right now, the doctor’s arms felt like the safest place in the world.

She’d been thinking about her life, her future, afraid that those missing years would come back to haunt her, not just privately, but that they might even endanger her career. Heading a department full of older, experienced scientists, when she felt like a mere cadet, barely graduated, was proving more intimidating than she’d anticipated. And all the stories about her, that people kept telling her, all these tall tales about this strong, admirable woman who was a complete stranger to her, put an almost crushing pressure to perform on her.

So, she’d done what she always did when she felt troubled or insecure. She’d come to sickbay. As if sickbay held all the answers. But she couldn’t help it, she just felt incredibly comfortable around the place and had already found herself ending up here numerous times, when she’d actually just been aimlessly wandering around the ship, lost in thought. Drawn to the place, or possibly the doctor, not just figuratively, but also literally.

Why was she so attracted to McCoy, anyway? He was older, he was moody and irascible, and yet, he was always so gentle with her. Like now. He’d been less than welcoming when she’d knocked on his door earlier, her embarrassment growing even worse when she hadn’t been able to explain what she’d actually come to sickbay for, afraid that she was starting to forget even the most recent events as well. But when he’d seen her distress, he’d gone from gruff to soft in the blink of an eye, as if all those layers of grumpiness had just fallen away to reveal his true, caring nature.

Opening his arms for her, holding her so tenderly, so protectively, had seemed to come naturally to him. Jenny might not always know where she stood with the doctor, his stressful job probably the main reason for his frequent crabbiness, those layers of grouchy irritation a protective shield against all the pain and despair he was confronted with on a daily basis, so it wouldn’t get in the way of his medical efficiency and break him emotionally. But she was absolutely certain that he’d always be there if she was in real trouble. If _anyone_ was in real trouble, she corrected herself quickly. He was kind like that.

Even standing here like this, their arms around each other like lovers, she had to stay aware of the fact that she was really no one special to him, just another patient, another crew member. No matter how much she wished this could be more, he was not interested in her that way. She was just someone he felt protective about. Probably because he had a daughter nearly the same age, as she’d learned from Uhura only this morning over breakfast. Jenny remembered that particular conversation vividly.

“You’re sometimes too sweet for your own good, Jenny,” Uhura had said, rolling her eyes and shaking her head indulgently. “Not long ago, you even sacrificed your ticket for shore leave on the galaxy’s hottest recreation planet, so that Dr. McCoy could meet his daughter there.”

“McCoy has a daughter?” Jenny had been completely taken aback.

“Yes, he does. Joanna. Although he doesn’t get to see her often. He’s divorced. And Joanna’s almost your age, by the way.”

_Oh!_

That had certainly been an eye-opener. If McCoy had a daughter around the same age, that was probably why he felt so protective about her. And if she’d given him the chance to see Joanna on shore leave, he was surely grateful, too. Jenny could hardly believe how much that information had hurt, but it had, of course, explained why the doctor would never have a romantic interest in her, someone young enough to be his daughter.

Well, she could still enjoy his company. And stay in his arms as long as he let her, now that she’d finally got another chance to be close to him. Nothing had changed, really. At least not as far as he was concerned. And hadn’t the security she felt when she was with him, his protectiveness, been what had drawn her to him in the first place? She could still relish that. Yes, she’d be more than content with his friendship, if it even was that.

Despite never wanting this heavenly moment to end, Jenny found herself pulling out of the embrace after a while. McCoy hadn’t given any indication that he wanted her to, but with her arms so intimately around his waist, she suddenly felt shy again. It felt all wrong, and yet so incredibly right. Well, the way she was clinging to him, he’d hardly have the heart to push her away anytime soon. No, she had to let go first. It was certainly what he expected and patiently waited for. And she really didn’t want to test the limits of his patience.

“I’m sorry, Doctor,” Jenny smiled, pulling back and shivering against the sudden cold, as the doctor slowly let his hands slide down her arms before letting go completely, as if he wanted to make sure she was steady on her feet again. “Thank you.”

Or maybe he needed to steady himself? He’d seemed almost reluctant to let her go, too. But that was just wishful thinking.

“My pleasure, love,” McCoy drawled, his adorable accent suddenly thick, and the tenderness in his eyes, as he gazed at her, melting her heart. “You all right?”

“Better than all right,” she beamed, feeling elated, her body still glowing from his closeness and his tender touch. “This was just what I needed.”

The words were out before she realised what she was saying, and she could instantly feel the colour rising to her cheeks. The kindness he was showing her was clearly going to her head. But McCoy’s affectionate gaze never faltered.

“Told you I knew you well,” he smiled, his words sending shivers down her spine, and while she was still trying to figure out whether to feel soothed or excited, he added, “Unfortunately, I need to prepare for my next patient now, but how about having coffee with me this evening, and then we can talk some more?”

Jenny’s heart was hammering so loudly in her chest, she was afraid the doctor might hear it. She’d really missed their coffee evenings, which, for some reason, had ended abruptly several weeks ago.

“I’d like that,” she finally managed to reply, taking a couple of steps back and hearing the sliding doors hiss open behind her. “Since I used to work with you, and you said yourself that you know me well, maybe you can even tell me something about myself that Christine and Nyota haven’t yet?”

“I just might,” McCoy nodded, his voice soft and warm, his sparkling eyes following Jenny as she practically danced out of his office.

* * *

Going to see McCoy had been a mistake, Chekov thought morosely, looking past the pretty ensign from engineering, who was making eyes at him, to where Hope and McCoy were sitting in a cosy corner of the observation deck, looking as in love as they always had. It was just like before Jenny’s coma, only that it hurt so much more today, because he’d really thought he was in with a chance. Jenny had definitely been behaving differently towards him these last few weeks.

But talking to the doctor about her had been a silly idea. All he’d done was probably just remind McCoy not to let Hope slip through his fingers. Only a few hours ago, the doctor had told him to be careful and take it slow, and now he was flirting with Hope himself. Why the two of them weren’t together in the first place, was beyond him. Watching them, it was perfectly clear that they wanted each other. And why would anyone in their right mind not want Jenny, when they could so obviously have her?

But maybe it was only really _her_ who was in love with _him_? Maybe the doctor just needed his ego massaged? Or even worse, just wanted her flawless body in his bed? Chekov was appalled at the very idea, feeling outraged just looking at McCoy seductively smiling at Jenny.

Granted, he didn’t actually believe that taking advantage of a woman was something the doctor would do. But his divorce had made him bitter, and he’d definitely once or twice mentioned avoiding commitment ever since. Chekov had certainly never seen McCoy in a serious relationship. And come to think of it, he’d only ever seen the doctor charm and flirt with women on shore leave, or when they were guests on the _Enterprise_.

_Oh! There’s a thought!_

Maybe that was the reason? Maybe McCoy didn’t get involved with anyone from the crew? But then, why keep Hope from finding love with anyone else? Surely, even the doctor must see how affectionate and giving Hope was. And that she needed and deserved to be truly loved and treasured in return.

* * *

McCoy hadn’t felt that good in ages. Seeing Hope so relaxed, so cheerful again, was balm to his soul. He really shouldn’t have withdrawn from her. She’d told him all about her fears, and he felt extremely guilty for not having been there for her sooner. For letting his own hurt get in the way of supporting her when she’d so desperately needed him. He’d been so busy nursing his own heartache, that he’d completely ignored that Hope might have fears of her own, simply assuming she’d be all right, not knowing what she was missing, anyway.

But he wasn’t going to let that happen again. Seeing her worries dissolve and her confidence return as they talked, made his heart swell with love and happiness. They’d always been good at reassuring and comforting each other. Nothing seemed to have changed there. Hope still chose him to confide in, trusted him to help her fix things. The realisation sent a surge of humble gratitude through him, and he made a silent promise not to fail her again.

Over the course of the evening, McCoy told her endless stories about her time in sickbay and their missions, and Hope soaked up every word. He couldn’t tell her how every little thing she’d done had made him fall crazy in love with her, of course. Didn’t mention anything about shore leave, or the night she’d spent in his arms in a cave on a mission before that. But he could tell her all about the wonderful things she’d done, from taking care of children to saving people’s lives, and let her know that he admired her for all of that.

Perhaps he’d been wrong in his assessment not to interfere with her memories. Considering that she might never actually recover those two years, maybe it was okay to give her more than just the facts. Maybe telling her of his feelings about certain events, or even whether she’d liked or enjoyed something herself, was all right. And judging from the delight on her face and the eagerness with which she kept asking for ever more details, it certainly was.

Hope had always been endearingly sentimental and loved trips down memory lane. And from the way her eyes were gleaming now, he could tell that she was enjoying herself immensely, listening to him telling her stories about things she didn’t remember. Maybe this was their new way of reminiscing, at least until they’d made new, real memories together.

When they were almost the only ones left on the observation deck, McCoy gently suggested that it was time to go to bed, and the happy mood was a little subdued when they had to go their separate ways, each to their own quarters. McCoy didn’t even dare to ‘walk her home’, as he would have loved to do, for fear of being too obvious. And afraid of not being able to simply say good night outside her quarters, of losing control and doing something stupid like kiss her. Baby steps, he told himself.

They arranged another ‘date’ for the next day, however, the doctor asking her to come see him in sickbay after her shift, since he wanted to check, and maybe update her medical knowledge a little before the landing mission the day after. Hope readily agreed, and McCoy was almost certain to see her eyes light up at the prospect of spending another evening with him.

That night, for the first time since Hope had fallen into a coma, McCoy’s bed didn’t seem as cold as it had for the past few weeks. The memory of holding her only hours before sent the warmest feelings through him. He’d had to be careful not to crush her in his eagerness to be as close to her as he possibly could, and If she hadn’t pulled away, he might not have been able to let her go at all.

As he was drifting off to sleep, smiling at the image of Hope’s animated face in his mind, he couldn’t help but wonder, if she might, somehow, be thinking about him, too, right now.


	40. Chapter 40

After a very restful night, full of sweet and tender dreams, Jenny started her shift with a happy smile on her face. After everything she’d learned about herself the evening before, she felt much more confident in her role as department head again. The doctor certainly knew how to boost someone’s confidence. She still couldn’t actually remember any of it, but McCoy had described things so vividly, and in such detail, she almost felt as if she’d actually been there. The way he’d talked about her and her experiences hadn’t felt like mere stories, but like something she would actually feel or do.

 _Obviously, he wasn’t exaggerating, when he told me that he knows me well_ , she thought fondly, the realisation making her feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

But last evening had turned out even better than she’d hoped for in more ways than one. McCoy might not have had hearts in his eyes, but he clearly cared for her and had put a lot of thought and research in how to help her since she’d woken up. And the tenderness in his smile and in his voice, when he’d shared his memories of her, the endless patience with which he’d answered all of her questions, had convinced her that she couldn’t have been the reason for his recurring mood swings, after all.

Her colleagues in the linguistic department seemed to sense her shift of mind, too. They’d been incredibly supportive from the day she’d returned to duty after her coma, but today, the atmosphere was buzzing with new energy, as they prepared for the upcoming landing mission.

She didn’t know about her people skills, for which McCoy had been praising her last night, but she’d certainly always loved to be and work with people. And the doctor had definitely been right, when he’d told her that she was greatly respected and appreciated by her colleagues.

The best thing about today, however, was that she’d get to spend the evening, or at least part of it, with McCoy again. On official business, of course, but she still couldn’t wait to see him again after her shift.

* * *

Entering sickbay only minutes after alpha-shift had ended, Jenny couldn’t keep the eager grin from her face, hoping the doctor wouldn’t attribute her enthusiasm to her desire to be around him, but rather to her looking forward to brushing up on her medical skills.

“The doctor’s already waiting for you in his office,” Christine greeted her with a nod towards the open door.

“Thanks, Christine!” Jenny replied, hurrying by, then stopped in her tracks, when she saw her friend’s knowing smile.

“What?” she laughed, raising a quizzical eyebrow at Chapel.

“Nothing,” Christine shook her head, “it’s just good to have things back to normal.”

When it became clear that the nurse wasn’t offering any further explanation, Jenny continued on her way, making a mental note to grill her friend about this some more later.

The doctor, it seemed, had indeed been waiting for her, since he’d already prepared a few medical instruments on his desk, and also put the training dummy, in what looked like a rather painful position, right in the middle of his office floor.

“Hello, Hope,” McCoy greeted her with an easy smile, then pointed towards the dummy and grinned, “and right on time, too. Can’t wait to get your hands on my poor friend here, can you?”

“He looks quite a mess,” Jenny giggled. “Whatever happened to the guy?”

“Well, that’s for you to find out, my dear,” the doctor chuckled. “I hope you can help him. Let’s see, if you’ve still got it!”

Jenny felt her heart beat faster. What was she supposed to do now? She briefly closed her eyes, unsure where to start. But then, looking back at the dummy, she just let her body take over, her brain following right after, as suddenly every move, every step of the procedure was coming back to her.

She could feel McCoy’s watchful eyes on her while she was working away, and it should have made her feel nervous. But, surprisingly, all it did was give her a warm, glowing feeling inside.

When she was done, the dummy safely recuperating on the doctor’s couch, Jenny looked expectantly at McCoy, and was rewarded with an appreciative nod and a thumbs-up.

“Your medical knowledge is definitely still there,” the doctor smiled. “What you did was way more than your standard first aid training would provide. I’m impressed.”

“Thank you!” Jenny beamed, unable to suppress a little victorious squeal, and raising her hand for a high-five. “I remember it all. That’s amazing!”

She was just about to drop her hand again, realising that it wasn’t really a 23rd century thing to do, when McCoy clapped his hand against hers with a wide grin on his face, the move seeming so natural, as if it were something he did every day.

 _I’ve quite obviously taught the crew some old traditions_ , Jenny thought amusedly.

“Come over here, now, Hope,” the doctor beckoned her over to his desk, “look at these instruments and tell me everything you know about them.”

It was easy. And to see her delight at finding all the knowledge still there mirrored in McCoy’s eyes, made her heart brim over with pride and joy.

“So, if this is still all there in my subconscious, then there’s still hope for my other memories, too, right?” Jenny raised hopeful eyes to McCoy’s.

“Well, yes! Considering that you remembered all the linguistic stuff, too, it sure is,” the doctor smiled encouragingly at her.

“Oh, the ‘linguistic stuff’ is not that surprising, really. I can rarely tell what information I’ve acquired during those last two years and what I’ve already known before, anyway. But this,” she waved her hand around the doctor’s office, “I really didn’t know anything about. Well, apart from the mere basics, of course.”

McCoy was beaming at her with such affection as she rambled on, overwhelmed by happiness, that Jenny wanted to throw herself into his arms right there and then.

“And if I remember all this, it’s still possible for me to regain my other memories as well, isn’t it?” she needed to check one more time.

“Yes, it is,” the doctor replied softly, and all of a sudden, Jenny didn’t know what to do with all the hopeful joy she was feeling.

How could she have known that her recovering all of her memories didn’t mean half as much to her as it did to him?

“Time for another hug?” McCoy suddenly asked, obviously sensing that her emotions were bubbling over.

This time she didn’t even wait for him to open his arms for her, and just flung herself at him, throwing her arms around his neck.

“Oh Doctor, I’m going to remember everything, I just know it!” she exclaimed, her voice muffled against his shirt, feeling his chuckles vibrating in his chest, as he closed his arms tightly around her waist.

“I’ve missed this,” McCoy laughed affectionately, clutching her to him, “this … ebullience.”

Jenny pulled back again, releasing the doctor and grinning sheepishly. She couldn’t make a habit of falling into his arms and just staying there. But even this short hug had felt like a little piece of heaven.

“Sorry Doctor,” she apologised, taking two steps back and straightening out her uniform, “I didn’t mean to be so forward, but I’m just having such a good day.”

McCoy perched on the edge of his desk and crossed his arms in front of his chest, his smiling eyes never leaving her face.

“So you’ve had a good day today?” he grinned in this adorable way that lit up his whole face and made you wonder how he ever managed to look grumpy at all.

“A very good one,” Jenny confirmed. “Thanks to you.”

“Me?” he asked, taken aback. “What did I do?”

Jenny couldn’t help laughing at the genuine confusion on his face.

“Yes, you,” she repeated quietly. “You have no idea how much last evening meant to me. You’ve helped me so much, and I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to tell me all those little details about myself, for restoring my confidence in myself. I feel so much better now, and I’m sure my whole department does, too. Which is really a good thing, given that we’re going planetside tomorrow.”

McCoy just looked at her, his kind eyes searching her face, but for what, she had no idea.

Just as Jenny was starting to feel a little uncomfortable under his scrutiny, he finally asked, “Nervous about tomorrow?”

Jenny just shrugged. Of course, she was.

“No need to be,” he said softly, his voice low and soothing. “You’ll do great.”

“Was I nervous before my actual first assignment?”

“A little,” the doctor smiled, tilting his head to the side and gazing warmly at her.

“I’m glad you’re coming, too. I feel safer when you’re around,” Jenny murmured, immediately hating how immature and insecure she sounded, but McCoy’s gaze just softened even more.

“Happy to hear that,” he replied, “but you’d be perfectly fine on you own, too.”

“Says the man who’s constantly kept an eye on me since the moment I woke up,” she chuckled, her heart melting, as she thought about how he’d always managed to show up somewhere close by, even after one of his mood swings had had him run off in a hurry shortly before.

“That obvious, huh?” McCoy grinned self-consciously, shaking his head slightly. 

“Don’t worry,” Jenny said quickly, not wanting him to feel bad about caring. “It gives me security, I like it.”

Then she suddenly remembered him being a father.

“Have you always been looking out for me?” she asked, wishing she could just reach out and touch him. “I mean, even before?”

McCoy just tilted his head again, which she took as a yes.

“And did I not like it then?”

Jenny was curious now. Surely, she’d have appreciated someone trying to keep her safe?

“Maybe not all the time,” the doctor chuckled, looking at her almost lovingly. “You’re quite a strong and capable lady. But you know that, of course.”

Jenny smiled and shook her head. When had this conversation become so intimate? She suddenly felt as if she knew the doctor. Really knew him. They’d definitely been close before. That’s probably what Christine had meant earlier, it suddenly occurred to her.

McCoy really liked her, she could feel it. And come to think about it, he did sometimes act like an overprotective father. The only question was, had she seen him as a father-figure before? Or had she always had this silly crush on him? She might never know, she realised. And she could just as easily have been in love with Chekov or anyone else, and not remember it.

_Blasted amnesia!_

“Am I different than before?” she suddenly blurted.

McCoy looked at her pensively for a long time, a tender smile on his lips. He had this gift for making people feel special when he talked to them, for showing them they mattered. The way he listened so attentively, carefully thinking about his answers, completely focused on whoever he was talking to, as if there were no place he’d rather be. Jenny had observed this numerous times, both professionally in sickbay and privately in the mess or recreation room. And she certainly enjoyed it, whenever she was being the centre of his attention. Like now.

“Not really,” the doctor said after a while. “A little less confident, maybe, since some or your experience is missing. In a way, you’re more like the woman you were when you first came aboard the _Enterprise_. An endearing trace of shyness and insecurity underneath all that strength and sass. But other than that, you’re completely the same. Brave, kind and brilliant.”

Jenny’s heart was threatening to spill over at his words, his approval suddenly seeming the most important thing in the world.

“But you don’t have to worry, love,” he went on, her heart skipping a beat like it did every time he called her ‘love’, even though she knew he was very generous with terms of endearment when talking to patients. “Even if you don’t get all of the last two years back, and I still think there’s a great chance you will, you’ll soon grow to be the person, you were only a few weeks ago, again. And going on that mission tomorrow is a first step.”

While Jenny was still processing everything the doctor had just said, he glanced at the chronometer, then put a gentle hand to the small of her back and smilingly steered her towards the door.

“Speaking of which,” he grinned, as the doors slid shut behind them, “I think it’s time to grab something to eat and then go rest up for tomorrow!”


	41. Chapter 41

He’d done it again. Called her ‘love’. Even though he’d really tried not to. But so much about this evening had seemed familiar, Hope had been like her old self in so many ways, it had just slipped out. And, boy, had it felt good to say it. The whole evening had been incredible. Hope’s joy, her hopefulness, her trust and her feeling safe with him, had made his heart soar. And now, McCoy was feeling immensely hopeful, too.

The way she’d high-fived him, so naturally, just like she’d so often done before, had really caught him off guard. Those were the moments when he thought he couldn’t wait another day to have her back. The moments that really hurt. But the way their conversation had developed afterwards, had soothed the hurt away again. The tenderness, the closeness, even the love was still there, only she didn’t recognise it. Yet.

After having had dinner with her, revised some more medical procedures, and found that everything he’d ever taught her seemed, indeed, to still be there, the doctor had sent her off to her quarters to get some decent sleep before their early start the next day. McCoy himself had returned to sickbay to clean up and get his medikit ready, and then had gone straight to his quarters planning to catch up on some sleep, too.

But he just wasn’t tired. There was too much going on in his mind. Too many hopeful thoughts whizzing around excitedly, a welcome change to all the painful brooding that had filled his nights for weeks before. He smiled at the thought of Hope lying awake in her bed now, too, although for completely different reasons.

Unlike her, McCoy wasn’t nervous about the mission. But the memory of her flinging her arms around his neck in her typically boisterous way – okay, he might have encouraged that a bit, her little joyous squeal when she found all her medical skills still there, kept his heartrate at a level that definitely wasn’t conducive to falling asleep.

Although Hope keeping him awake at night was nothing unusual per se, the doctor smiled to himself. Even now, with all the worry and heartache she’d put him through, she was still the light of his life. And just like when he’d first got to know her, she seemed to instinctively trust him, coming to him for comfort and advice.

She’d told him so often how safe she felt with him, something that had always touched him deeply, and today, she’d told him again. He could have cried with happiness, when she’d suddenly offered how glad she was that he was coming on the mission, too.

The whole situation was really a bit like falling in love all over again. Which was magical in itself. And despite missing _his_ Hope like crazy, having this more timid, vulnerable version of her back, the one that triggered every protective instinct in him, brought back wonderful memories and made his heart swell with love and a tenderness that he could only ever feel for Hope. Any version of her.

The way this strong and brilliant woman secretly craved security and physical contact had always tugged at his heart strings. But now, unlike before, she didn’t even try to hide it. Or maybe she did, and it was just obvious to him, because he knew her so well.

The upside, this time, certainly was that he knew exactly what she needed and how to give it to her. The downside was, that he also knew how much more they could be for each other, and he’d have to be very careful not to overstep the line.

And, of course, there was still the chance that she just saw him as a paternal friend. That she might even fall in love with someone else eventually. Just because he couldn’t help falling in love with her over and over again, every day a little more, didn’t necessarily mean that she would, too.

But he’d take Jim’s advice and court her this time. At least as long as he felt it was for her best, too. He’d step back, of course, the moment she found someone else, someone more suitable, she was happy with. The worry about their age difference was still lingering at the back of his mind. Always had. Even though Hope had convinced him that it had never been an issue for her.

It was ironic, really. When they’d first fallen in love, all those months, years even, ago, he’d always tried to tell her that his feelings were only fatherly. And now that he wanted her crazy in love, she suddenly seemed to see this father figure in him. Maybe this was his punishment for taking advantage of her the first time. He’d always felt he was way too old, that she deserved better. Maybe this was her chance now. And his chance to be what he’d always been meant to be. A fatherly friend.

No. Truth was, he didn’t want to be just that, and there was no way he could pretend that he did. Now that he knew how it could be, what he’d be missing, how much more wonderful she was than he’d ever dreamed, he wanted her. All of her. He wanted what was best for Hope, sure. But he wasn’t a saint.

* * *

Beaming down with her first landing party was an overwhelming experience. No matter how much she’d been looking forward to it, actually standing on the transporter platform, feeling the weight of being a Starfleet officer, an official representative on a political mission, was more than a little daunting.

Jenny hadn’t been lying, when she’d told McCoy how glad she was that he was coming, too, the evening before. Even though it hadn’t made her look as professional as she usually aimed for. But dropping her guard in the doctor’s comforting presence was just too easy.

Right now, McCoy’s reassuring smile was the only thing that kept her from hyperventilating, as the transporter room started to fade around her. And only when that smile was still in place, his eyes still fixed on her, after materialising on the planet, did she find herself able to breathe evenly again.

Things got a lot better, though, once everybody else had beamed down, too, and they’d been greeted by the friendly representatives of _Viridia_. It was the anniversary of their joining the Federation, and the Viridians had invited Starfleet representatives to their celebrations, taking it as an opportunity to send some of their own people to join Starfleet and apply for the Academy.

Jenny enjoyed being right next to the captain for the official part of the celebrations, her job being to ensure flawless communications without embarrassing misunderstandings or cultural faux pas, and found herself surprisingly comfortable in that role. She had, of course, prepared well for this, but still felt that she was also drawing from some subconscious routine. The encouraging looks that McCoy, Kirk, and even Spock, kept throwing her, helped to keep her calm, too, of course.

After the official part was over, there was a lot of dancing, music, and mingling. The whole event was quite a big affair. At least two representatives of every department had beamed down to join the celebrations, thus ensuring a lot of cultural exchange, and Jenny was currently sitting at the Viridian President’s table, listening to stories of _Viridia’s_ history.

The celebrations were held exclusively outside, since the Viridian’s were a very nature-loving people, and the huge, beautifully decorated grounds were buzzing with adults, children and animals. A sweet little girl, who turned out to be the president’s daughter, was chasing a furry ginger animal that looked astonishingly like a Terran cat, and when she’d finally caught it, brought it to their table to show off her pet.

“This is Minou, she lives with my family,” she explained proudly, and the _Enterprise’s_ senior officers oohed and aahed dutifully, admiring smiles on their faces, a minute one even on Spock’s.

Minou jumped out of the girl’s arms, curiously circling Spock twice, rubbing her head against his legs as she stalked around him, then made a sudden leap into a surprised McCoy’s arms, making herself comfortable there.

“You must be a very special man,” the girl observed, coming to stand right next to the doctor and looking earnestly at him. “Minou is usually rather shy about strangers.”

 _Oh yes, very special_ , Jenny thought fondly, her heart melting, or rather pooling around her feet in a puddle, as she watched McCoy affectionately look at the girl, then whisper something into her ear, making her laugh.

McCoy was a father, and it showed. But unfortunately, that only seemed to make him even more attractive. Just like the way he was gently cradling the feline in his arms, his fingers delicately combing through her fur.

Unable to take her eyes off the doctor’s hands, so tenderly stroking the cat, and hearing the feline’s content purring even from the other end of the table, all Jenny could think was, _I want to be in her place!_

Catching her eye, the doctor got up and brought the cat over, sitting down in an empty chair next to her.

“Let’s see, if Minou likes Lt. Hope, too, shall we?” he smiled, winking at the president’s daughter.

Then he carefully placed the cat in Jenny’s arms, his warm eyes never leaving her face, and when she felt his fingers gently brush against hers, still holding her gaze, she felt electricity jolting through her body.

“Thank you!” she beamed at the doctor, enjoying the feel of the warm, furry bundle in her arms as much as McCoy’s closeness, as he and the girl continued to stroke the soft ginger fur.

Then, looking at the president’s adorable daughter, who was clearly as smitten with the doctor as the cat had been, Jenny told her, “Minou is a beauty! Those green eyes are amazing.”

The girl’s face lit up at the praise of her pet, her whole little being glowing with pride, as McCoy looked tenderly from her to Jenny.

“I love cats,” Jenny sighed, her fingers caressing Minou’s back, mesmerised by the big green eyes, and enjoying the doctor’s gentle hand covering hers every so often.

“I know,” he replied softly, the warm smile clearly audible in his voice. “And every other little furry creature, too. And you’d certainly never miss an opportunity for a cuddle.”

Jenny shot the doctor a surprised look at that last sentence, feeling a wave of undefined longing wash over her, but his eyes were inscrutably fixed on the cat now.

 _Don’t get carried away, Jenny_ , she admonished herself. _He was just talking about little furry animals._

But she couldn’t help it. McCoy knew her well enough to know that she liked cats. And that realisation alone sent a warm glow to her cheeks.

* * *

McCoy had seen Hope’s envious look, when Minou had snuggled down in his arms, and just had to take the cat over to her. He knew how much she’d appreciate the chance for a cuddle. Especially now, that he wasn’t free to give her all the tenderness she needed.

Regrettably, their cat-session was cut short when Scotty came over, asking for Hope’s help.

“Sorry to interrupt, lass,” he apologised, “but we could do with a little help over there at the engineers’ table. They have such an interesting power system on their ships, but I fear we have a wee communications problem.”

“Sure, Scotty,” Hope smiled, getting up and gently returning Minou to the girl’s care, before following the chief engineer with a last grateful look at McCoy.

“So, you two are getting closer again, I see,” McCoy was startled by Kirk’s voice suddenly next to him.

“Slowly, but we’re getting there,” he replied, frowning at the captain’s knowing grin, yet grateful to have at least one person he could openly talk to about Hope. “I’m trying to follow your advice.”

“Good for you,” Kirk remarked, “but maybe don’t take it too slow. Sometimes you’re too decent for your own good. I still think you should just tell her.”

“This has nothing to do with decency, Jim,” McCoy grumbled. “I can’t just tell her, don’t you see?”

“But wouldn’t you like to know if the roles were reversed?”

“I don’t know, Jim,” the doctor sighed. “But what I do know is that she’s still the same kind and loyal person. If I tell her, even if she doesn’t remember, she’ll stay with me. She’ll feel obliged to. And I couldn’t live with that. To be with her, I need to be certain that she loves me. That she really feels it. Of course, I could tell her what we had in so many words, but I can’t make her feel it again. And if she feels differently than before, I’ll have to learn to live with that, too.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kirk frowned at him.

“Well, Chekov sure ripped my heart out, when he told me he thought Hope was in love with him,” McCoy said quietly, feeling the pain of that moment again. “But none of this is Hope’s fault, she has every right to be happy. And if she chooses to be with someone else this time, there’s nothing I can do, is there?”

“I thought you were following my advice, Bones!” the captain was getting annoyed with his selfless idiot of a friend. “Just make her choose _you_ , then! Court her, seduce her, if you have to! You’ve obviously succeeded before!”

“It doesn’t work like that, Jim, and you know it,” McCoy was getting irritated now, too. “At least not for me. Just leave it alone now, please. I’m doing what I’ve always done. I’m taking care of her.”


	42. Chapter 42

Jenny’s emotions were in turmoil. Being so close to the doctor, watching him being so sweet with the girl and the cat, had felt like being wrapped in kindness. But the gentle brush of his fingers against hers, his soft eyes seeming to look right into her soul, had left Jenny longing for more. So much more.

She’d wanted to feel those tender hands on her body. All over her body. She’d wanted to know how those perfectly shaped lips would feel against hers. Her thoughts had been getting dangerously out of control – _when had kind turned into sexy?_ – and so she’d almost been relieved when Scotty had shown up, breaking the spell and taking her away.

Thrilling as it was that McCoy seemed to know her so well, it was also more than a little embarrassing that he apparently knew as well, how desperately she craved cuddles and hugs. And with that realisation came, of course, the suspicion that the three hugs he’d given her since she’d woken up - not that she was counting - hadn’t been entirely spontaneous at all, but more likely the doctor’s way of comforting a patient in a manner he knew would reassure them.

No matter how convinced she was that McCoy genuinely liked her, he was still a doctor, the most kind and caring doctor she could imagine, doing whatever was necessary to help a patient. And to sit there, drinking in his touch and fawning over him like a lovesick teenager, had been completely out of line. The doctor was probably already contemplating how to let her down gently. And yet, she could have sworn there’d been longing in his eyes, too.

 _That’s how desperate I am for touch. For love,_ she thought angrily.

Since McCoy knew about her past, knew that she had no family, no one to care about her, he’d probably – correctly – attributed her pathetic need for comfort and security to that. No wonder, the father in him felt so protective about her.

Why did everything have to be so complicated? Why couldn’t she just feel like this for Pavel?

* * *

The festivities went on long into the night, and while most of the crew beamed back up to the _Enterprise_ afterwards, some of the senior officers were invited to spend the night in the president’s guest house to be taken on a tour around the area’s most beautiful spots the next day.

The guest house was a luxurious version of a treehouse, complete with lounge, kitchen, and bathrooms, but only one large sleeping area. McCoy had a brief flashback to another night he’d shared a bedroom with Hope on a mission long ago. That time, she’d been very uneasy about it, and had reluctantly confided about having been violated as a teenager by a man she’d trusted.

Even today, he still felt his hackles rise whenever he thought about it, regretting that he couldn’t just go back in time to give this disgusting excuse for a man a piece of his mind. Or preferably worse. Tonight, at least, he didn’t have to worry about Hope getting upset, since it wasn’t just the two of them, and with Uhura staying as well, she wasn’t the only woman, either.

Seeing as they had another busy day ahead of them, Kirk quickly allotted the rather uncomfortable looking mats, and, being the scheming, meddling, good friend that he was, placed Hope between the doctor and Uhura.

After the long day, everybody was eager to get some sleep, and it didn’t take long after the lights were out that McCoy could hear low, even breathing and a few gentle snores all around. Apart from the mat beside him, where Hope kept fidgeting and sighing, quite obviously too hyped up to sleep. Another déjà vu.

The doctor was just about to reach out a soothing hand to her, when Hope got up and quietly made her way to the kitchen. Following her out, he almost made her drop a glass of water, when she turned and nearly bumped into him, letting out a muffled squeal of surprise.

“Sorry, love, I didn’t mean to startle you,” he murmured, quickly taking the glass from her and putting it down on the nearby table, before getting himself one as well.

“Don’t worry,” she smiled, her face a little flushed. “I’m sorry, I woke you up.”

“I wasn’t even asleep yet,” McCoy reassured her, sitting down at the table and pulling out a stool for her, too. “I think I had too much to eat. What’s your excuse?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Hope chuckled self-deprecatingly, planting herself on the stool he’d offered her, and sending a thrill through him, when her knee brushed against his leg. “First landing party, first night away, it’s all a little exciting, I guess.”

“You did a great job, today, Hope,” the doctor smiled, his heart clenching when he noticed the slight tremor in her eyes, a sure sign of exhaustion and nerves. “You can really be proud of yourself.”

Hope looked at him shyly, and McCoy raised an encouraging eyebrow when he saw that she had more on her mind.

“When people tell me about the last two years, they make me sound like this incredibly tough woman,” she finally said, heaving a sigh. “And here I am, nervous like a little girl on her first field trip.”

McCoy’s heart went out to her, and he had to fight the urge to pull the ‘nervous little girl’ in his arms and hold her close, to give her the warmth and comfort he knew she was craving right now.

“I’m sorry, Doctor, I really shouldn’t be keeping you up,” she mumbled, starting to slide off her stool, and McCoy realised that he’d been too preoccupied with thoughts of holding her to react to what she’d just said.

“No, no, please stay,” he exclaimed, reaching for her arm to stop her, and wishing he could stay up with her here all night. “I was just thinking about your ‘other’ first assignment.”

“Were you there, too?” Hope asked, immediately intrigued, sitting down again and making no move to pull her arm out from under his grip.

“Yes, I was,” McCoy confirmed softly, almost drowning in her beautiful eyes, sparkling with unbridled curiosity in the soft light of a few candles. “And you couldn’t sleep then, either.”

“So, I’m just following tradition, I guess?” she laughed, but the doctor could still see the pain and insecurity of not remembering showing through the mirth in her eyes.

“It was different then,” he offered, “because you weren’t an officer yet, and wanted to prove yourself to the captain.”

Hope was gazing at him expectantly, silently urging him to go on.

“You tried so hard to be perfect,” McCoy remembered fondly, gently squeezing her arm, “Jim had to remind you that you were part of a team, and that it was okay not to be perfect all the time.”

Looking at Hope’s eager face, hanging on his every word, he had to swallow hard before he could continue.

“And then things happened thick and fast, and you returned from you first away mission as the heroine who’d saved the day, the captain, and another officer,” the doctor concluded smilingly, wanting nothing more than to kiss away the bashful blush that Hope could never keep off her face when being praised.

“The cat loved you,” Hope said, somewhat out of the blue, changing the subject like she always did when she was embarrassed.

 _Nothing has changed there_ , McCoy thought, unsure whether to feel saddened or comforted by the realisation, but just hearing her say the words ‘love’ and ‘you’ in one sentence sent a million shivers up and down his spine.

“And that sweet girl, too,” she continued, oblivious to all the conflicting emotions her words had caused the doctor.

“Her name’s Tahira,” McCoy provided, “and yes, she’s really sweet. And very confident for her age. We talked quite a bit after you left with Scotty.”

He didn’t mention, of course, how upset he’d been when Scotty had interrupted ‘the moment’ he’d felt they’d had just then. There’d undoubtedly been tenderness in the air.

“Uhura says you have a daughter, too?” Hope enquired, drawing him back to the present.

“Yes, Joanna,” he smiled. “You’ve actually met her. One could even say you saved her life.”

“Saved her life? How?”

McCoy had to laugh at the bewilderment on her face.

“She fell ill with a new and nasty virus not long ago.”

“But I’m not a physician!” Hope cut in, even more confused now.

“No,” McCoy chuckled softly, “but you forced me not to give up, gave me hope, kept me positive, until I finally found a cure. You even sacrificed your shore leave for her. For me.”

The doctor had to try hard to keep his voice from trembling.

“I know, Uhura told me about this great recreation planet,” Hope told him, her face aglow with the pleasure of having been able to help, so typical of her.

“That was already the second shore leave you sacrificed for my daughter,” McCoy smiled, his voice choked with emotion now. “Half of it, anyway. But you would have given up the whole of it, too, if Joanna had had the time. That’s the person you are.”

The doctor couldn’t help reaching out to gently cup Hope’s face with his hand, as he was reminded of just how much this wonderful woman had done for him. For a long, tender moment, they just gazed at each other, and McCoy’s heart skipped a beat, when she leaned into his touch, covering his hand with her own.

“I know, being a parent can be hard,” she said, staring into the distance, “the sleepless nights, the constant worry, but it’s also the best thing in the world, I wouldn’t have traded it for…”

Hope broke off mid-sentence, snapping out of whatever memory she’d been lost in, and looked at him with a mixture of – he couldn’t even make out what. Confusion? Surprise? Shock? Guilt, even? And what was she talking about, anyway?

McCoy suddenly remembered her saying something similar when he’d been out of his mind with worry for Joanna, only to be rather rudely cut off by Christine. But no matter how hard he thought back to that moment, he couldn’t clearly recall Hope’s words anymore. He’d been too absorbed in his own grief and fears at the time.

“Keep going,” he prompted, raising an inquisitive eyebrow, very curious about where this was going.

“Thought’s gone,” she said quietly, shaking her head and closing her eyes, her face still cradled in the palm of his hand. “Probably something I remember from when I was teaching...”

Her voice trailed away again.

“What were you teaching?” McCoy asked, mystified, studying her face closely for any clues as to what this was all about.

The strain of not remembering recent events, mixed with all those memories from centuries ago, most of which she’d been bound not to share in the first place, seemed to be getting to her more than he’d realised. Back on the ship, he’d have to address this more extensively.

“Piano?” she suggested, making it sound more like a question, then added with more certainty, “Yes, I gave piano lessons when I was still at uni.”

Nothing of what she’d just said really made sense, or was even connected, as a matter of fact, even though her giving piano lessons sounded plausible at least. McCoy was just trying to think of a way to get their conversation back on safer grounds, when Hope suddenly tore away from him, her face crumbling in misery as she leapt to her feet.

“What is wrong with me?” she all but wailed, trying to keep her voice low, “Why won’t my damn brain work properly?”

And as the doctor watched her with growing concern, she suddenly started pummelling her head. Hard and angry. For a moment, McCoy was frozen with shock. He’d seen Hope nervous, angry, and sad before, but never displaying such outright rage and self-loathing. She was usually so well-adjusted, so reasonable.

“Stop it,” he ordered once he’d overcome his stupor, getting up from his stool and grabbing her wrists to pull her fists off her head, his voice determined and authoritative, going into instant doctor mode.

But Hope didn’t relent, fighting against his hold, trying to tear herself loose. In her temper, she was astonishingly strong, not easy to keep in check at all. Keeping a firm grip on her wrists, the doctor let her struggle and fight for a while, recognising that she needed to get this anger out of her system.

Finally, with all the fight gone out of her, she slumped against his chest, crying silent, bitter tears, and he just wrapped his arms tightly around her, burying his face in her hair and desperately wondering why he hadn’t seen her distress sooner. When had he lost his touch as a doctor? Why did he keep failing Hope, when all he ever wanted was to ensure her health, safety, and happiness?

They just stood there like this for several long minutes, Hope quietly sobbing in his arms, while he berated himself for being such an inadequate doctor. But by the time she’d stopped trembling and pulled back, he’d wiped away his own tears, not wanting her to see him so upset.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry, Doctor,” she apologised, unable to meet his eye and clapping a disbelieving hand over her mouth, “I don’t even know what to say.”

“Don’t worry, love,” McCoy murmured soothingly, keeping his hands lightly on her shoulders. “It’s me who needs to be sorry. I really should have known that you’re just putting on a brave face, and that you’re much more upset about your amnesia than you let on.”

“How could you have known?” she smiled, her bottom lip still trembling and raising her eyes to his for a brief moment. “You’re not a mind reader!”

“No,” he admitted, looking at her remorsefully, “but I’m your doctor, and your … friend.”

Hope’s smile grew a little wider at that.

“We’ll talk a lot more about this when we’re back on the _Enterprise_ , all right?” the doctor gazed at her earnestly. “But for now, we really need to try and get some sleep.”

“Of course, Doctor,” Hope murmured contritely, following him back to the sleeping area, and only a minute later, thy were lying side by side on their mats again, with her staring at the ceiling, wide-eyed, nowhere near going to sleep anytime soon.

McCoy silently held out a hand to her in the almost-dark, which she tentatively took after a few moments’ hesitation.

“Maybe this will help you go to sleep,” he whispered smilingly by way of explanation.

“Do you hold a lot of hands on away missions?” Hope whispered back, and he was glad to hear the smile back in her voice.

“No,” the doctor grinned. “This service is limited to special friends. But I have been known to hold this particular hand on a mission or two in the past.”

And not even waiting for another response, he gently threaded his fingers through hers, closed his eyes, and promptly fell asleep, leaving her to try and figure out the meaning of his words, while across the room, on the other side of the sleeping area, the captain and his first officer exchanged pleased looks in the semi-dark.


	43. Chapter 43

The next morning, McCoy acted completely normal, as if holding a crewmate’s hand at night was the most common thing to do. Well, maybe for a doctor on a starship, where people got hurt and traumatised all the time, it was. He looked really well rested, too. Unlike Jenny, who hadn’t slept at all. Or at least felt as if she hadn’t.

He’d clearly meant well, but after all that had happened between them that evening, how she’d ended up embarrassing herself in front of him, tenderly lacing his fingers through hers had certainly not been the way to ease her off to sleep. Not that she was complaining, of course.

The doctor’s embrace had felt wonderful, grounding her as always, even though she’d been mortified after her tantrum – there was no other word for it, terribly ashamed of totally having lost it in front of one of her superior officers. Even worse, of having more or less just physically attacked him.

But he’d been so generous about it, had even told her that _he_ was sorry for not having seen her distress sooner. In the short time she’d known him, or, more accurately, got to know him again, apart from developing this massive crush on the doctor, Jenny found that he’d really become her rock, her anchor. And she was truly grateful to fate, which had so cruelly taken away her memories, for at least granting her this kind, wonderful man by her side.

While they were being carted around in a solar-driven kind of hoverbus, admiring _Viridia’s_ beautiful scenery and wildlife, Jenny’s mind kept going back to last night’s unsettling backflashes, or whatever they’d been. Nothing more than fleeting images, gone as fast as they’d appeared, she just couldn’t conjure them up again, no matter how hard she tried.

Jenny didn’t have the slightest idea of what those visions had been about, and judging from the doctor’s face, her words hadn’t seemed to make any sense to him, either. But the more she chased those images, the more elusive they became. It was extremely frustrating. The only silver lining was that more flashbacks might follow, that this might even be another chance of getting her memories back.

* * *

_Viridia_ was an exceptionally beautiful planet, McCoy thought, having snatched a seat right across from Hope and Uhura on the bus. With all their architecture blending in so perfectly with nature, it was hard to believe that these people were so far advanced in their technology, they could even teach Scotty a thing or two.

Hope had been extremely nervous this morning. She’d tried to hide it, of course, but to someone who knew her well, it had been pretty obvious. McCoy certainly understood that she was embarrassed about throwing a fit, but he’d hoped to have made it clear that she had nothing to be ashamed of. Matter of fact, it was really _he_ who should be ashamed of himself, the doctor thought ruefully. Instead of making plans how to woo her, he should have spent more time on analysing her situation and helping her deal with her fears, like any decent doctor would have.

So, as happy as he was to see her enjoying the tour as much as everyone else, McCoy was keeping a close eye on Hope. She’d always loved nature, generally seeing the beauty in everything, but the doctor was determined not to let himself be fooled by her outward display of cheerfulness anymore. Her current situation was terrifying her, yesterday evening had made that very clear, and he wouldn’t make the mistake of taking her emotional distress lightly again.

Of course, McCoy had seen her insecurities, her struggle, but he’d failed to realise just how deep it all went. That it was actually causing her anxiety. Just because she had this optimistic personality, always finding reasons to be happy, didn’t mean that she was above anxiety attacks. Because that’s exactly what it had been, an anxiety attack. That Hope and anxiety didn’t really go together in his book was no excuse. Even with her sunny disposition, he should have been aware that the whole amnesia situation wasn’t something she could easily deal with on her own.

Yes, he’d talked to her, tried to help her cope. But it hadn’t been anywhere near sufficient. First landing party nerves coupled with the strain amnesia put on her, was enough to make even Hope anxious. She might have been - or put herself - under more pressure to perform on her actual first landing mission more than a year ago, but then she’d at least known who she was. Even if she’d had to keep it secret. But having whole pieces of yourself missing was something McCoy couldn’t even imagine. He might often not have been happy with who he was, or with some choices he’d made. But he’d always known why things were the way they were, what had made him the man he was.

As for the things Hope had said last evening, they might just have been twisted memories, confusing scenes from her own past with something that had happened to someone she knew then. Or it could be further proof that she, or Starfleet, or both, were still keeping more secrets.

_Loving Hope would certainly never get boring._

* * *

Getting off the bus for a picnic-style lunch break, Jenny left the group to wander around the gorgeous scenery and get a closer look at a particularly beautiful plant. It was an experiment she wasn’t even aware of setting up, but it worked. Not wanting her to be on her own, McCoy showed up beside her almost instantly. Exactly what her subconscious had hoped for, she realised. To have the doctor all to herself.

Jenny wanted him close, craving the warmth of his touch and wishing she could walk around this stunning planet hand in hand with the doctor. Just like they’d fallen asleep last night. God, she wanted him to pull her close and kiss her, right here in the sunshine, surrounded by a thousand beautiful flowers and their heady, exotic scent. His lips on hers, loving, soothing, demanding.

Her face must have broadcast those thoughts, Jenny realised with alarm, or had she even said something out loud? Because McCoy was gazing at her with a peculiar look. Thoughtful, appraising, yet with the tenderness she’d almost come to expect, and certainly treasured, whenever he looked at her.

“I miss nature, Doctor,” she tried to explain herself. “The scents, the freedom of wide, open spaces. I used to take long walks and ride my bike a lot.”

“I know,” McCoy smiled, the fondness in his voice melting her heart. “You once told me you were a real outdoor girl when you were little.”

_Of course, he’d know things like that about me._

“You really _do_ know a lot about me,” Jenny laughed. “I must have been quite a chatterbox.”

“I’ve always enjoyed learning about your past,” the doctor said, his expression turning more serious again. “And I think you enjoyed sharing just as much. Maybe you should do it more often again. It certainly helped keeping your memories of your ‘first life’, as you used to call it, alive. And I think that’s important, since you don’t have anyone who was actually there to share those memories with.”

“You mean like the absurd things I mentioned last night? The ones that didn’t even make sense when I said them? I don’t think so.”

“Well, I hadn’t heard those before, but I can certainly picture you teaching the piano,” McCoy said soothingly, quite obviously sensing that she was getting upset again.

“I’m so sorry about last night, Doctor,” she couldn’t help blurting.

Following McCoy’s lead, she’d decided to simply ignore the events of last night and carry on as if nothing had happened, but now she found herself unable to resist the urge to apologise.

“I don’t know what came over me. I’m not usually this hysterical? Throwing tantrums?”

It came out as more of a question than a statement. She really hoped she wasn’t like that.

“No,” the doctor smiled, resting a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “You’re anything but, I can assure you. And you weren’t being ‘hysterical’ yesterday, either. You were just upset, because you’re going through a difficult time and I failed to provide the support you would have needed.”

He put his second hand on her other shoulder, gazing intently at her, and Jenny’s heart skipped a beat at the unbridled emotion in his eyes.

“I’m really sorry for that, and we’re going to have some long conversations back on the _Enterprise_. We’ll take care of everything you need.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” Jenny whispered, trying to keep her composure at his kindness, and not collapsing into his arms, as she was sorely tempted to do right now.

But before she could do or say anything stupid, McCoy’s eyes left her face, distracted by something he saw behind her, the grip of his hands on her shoulders tightening.

Turning around to follow his gaze, she discovered the president’s daughter running up a hill above what used to be the entrance to a closed-down mine, apparently chasing Minou again, calling out her cat’s name as she climbed the loose rocks.

“That’s Tahira up there, isn’t it?” Jenny asked, getting more concerned the higher the girl climbed.

“It certainly is,” McCoy muttered through gritted teeth, drawing away from Jenny and moving towards the girl. “And she’s most definitely not supposed to be up there. They’ve warned us more than once not to go anywhere near this abandoned mine. There are rockslides, and parts of it are constantly caving in. It’s way too dangerous, with accidents just waiting to happen.”

The doctor’s face was creased in a deep frown, as he beckoned Jenny to follow him, motioning her to get the translator into position.

“Tahira!” he called out, when they were within shouting distance. “Get back down right now! You know you’re not supposed to be up there!”

McCoy’s voice held all the authority of a worried father, and Jenny felt her stomach flutter hearing him like this. Unfortunately, she didn’t remember Joanna, but with a father like him, she was bound to be a lovely young woman.

“But I need to find Minou first!” Tahira shouted back. “She ran away, and she’ll be really scared if she gets lost.”

“Minou is going to be all right, sweetheart,” the doctor tried to reassure her. “Cats always are. But you, young lady, are not taking another step up this pile of rocks. Turn around and get back here this minute!”

Tahira was now right above the mine’s entrance that had been boarded up, with plenty of danger signs all around, and Jenny could see her hesitating. She clearly wanted to go after her cat, but McCoy’s voice allowed no argument.

Just when she was spinning around to go back the way she’d come, the rocks underneath her feet gave way, and Jenny watched, petrified, as Tahira fell and disappeared from sight.

The doctor shot her a horrified glance, and Jenny knew instantly that he was going after the girl. Sure enough, McCoy raced off towards the entrance, Jenny hot on his heels, and was just starting to pull one of the boards loose, when there was frantic shouting from the picnic area.

“We warned you not to go in there, Doctor, it’s not safe!” sounded the president’s annoyed voice, but McCoy resolutely kept manhandling the board.

“Your daughter’s in there!” Jenny yelled back, just as the doctor squeezed through the narrow opening, and, out of the corner of her eye, she could see the president jump up and hurry towards them across the field.

When Jenny stuck her head in through the gap after the doctor, he raised a determined hand to stop her.

“Stay right where you are!” he exclaimed, a curt command that stopped Jenny in her tracks, yet was laced with so much concern for her wellbeing, it warmed her heart.

Before the president had even made it to the mine, McCoy had found Tahira, and was carrying the protesting girl back towards Jenny. With the kicking and screaming child on his arm, the doctor lost his footing on the loose gravel and fell, only a few steps away from safety.

On impulse, Jenny rushed to his side, catching Tahira just in time before the girl could take off into the depths of the mine again, and dragged her towards the opening, pushing her out into her terrified father’s waiting arms.

Behind her, Jenny heard McCoy scrambling to his feet, and, turning around to check if he was all right, saw one of the wooden poles that supported the roof of the entrance give way under the pressure of the rocks above. With less than a split-second to consider what she was doing, Jenny reflexively threw herself against the surprised doctor with full force, pushing him to the ground again, out of the falling pole’s way.

Having tumbled on top of him, there was a moment of heartfelt relief, before she heard a whole rockslide crashing down between them and the opening, followed by a searing pain in her side as something hit her hard, knocking the wind out of her.


	44. Chapter 44

It took McCoy a moment to get his bearings, everything had happened so fast. All he knew was that Hope had probably just saved his life, unthinkingly risking her own in the process. Scrambling to his feet for the second time in less than a minute, he tried to make out her form through the settling dust, his eyes only slowly adapting to the almost-dark.

Hearing her moan in pain, he fell to his knees right beside her, his heart nearly stopping when he saw a sizeable splinter poking out from her side.

“Don’t move,” he ordered tersely, forcing the doctor in him to take over, while he searched the ground for his medikit, cursing when he found it firmly trapped under the rocks with only the strap jutting out.

 _What next?_ he groaned inwardly. _Can this get any worse?_

“Bones, are you all right?” he heard muted shouting from outside, relieved that he could at least still communicate with the captain.

“I’m okay, Jim,” he called back, “but Hope is hurt. You need to beam us out of here straight away, I need to get her to sickbay ASAP!”

“Can’t beam you out, the mine is shielded,” came the unfortunate, if not completely unexpected – _It was never that simple, was it?_ – answer, making McCoy want to scream with frustration, “but we’re making our way through to you as fast as we can without risking the mine caving in any further. Hang in there just a little longer, we’ll be right with you!”

 _Easy for you to say,_ McCoy thought bitterly, the sound of phasers cutting into stone drowning out Hope’s stifled whimpers.

Bending over her, he examined the wound as thoroughly as he could without the aid of his medical tricorder, trying to be as gentle as possible in his touches, all the while muttering soothing words of comfort. Thankfully, the bleeding wasn’t too severe with the splinter still neatly stuck, and from the position where it had penetrated her side, the doctor was hopeful that no internal organs had been damaged. Still, it was bound to smart more than just a little, and without his medikit, he couldn’t even do anything to numb the pain.

“Try not to move,” he said again, his voice much softer now. “There’s a little splinter in your side, but everything’s going to be fine as long as you don’t move too much.”

“It really hurts,” Hope groaned, her voice weak and shaky, and McCoy reached out to tenderly brush her hair from her face, his inability to ease her suffering breaking his heart.

“I know it hurts like hell, love,” he murmured, trying to keep his own pain in the face of his helplessness out of his voice. “I’m sorry, my kit got buried under the rocks, so I can’t give you anything for the pain right now. But we’ll be back in sickbay before you know it, and then we’ll get that wretched thing out in no time.”

 _Can’t risk you losing too much blood again, so the splinter needs to stay in until we get back and I can actually see what I’m doing,_ the doctor silently added, and, wincing at the very idea of having to remove that thing without so much as giving her a painkiller, thought, _And, you’ll really want to be sedated for that._

Out loud, he said warmly, trying to put all the calm confidence he didn’t feel into his words, “Here, take my hand and squeeze as hard as you need to. Not much longer now, they’re nearly here.”

Hope briefly grabbed his hand, giving his fingers a half-hearted squeeze, then let her own hand limply drop back to the ground. Carefully lifting her shoulders, McCoy shuffled closer until he could cradle her head in his lap, hoping to take a little of the strain off her side.

“Better?” he asked softly, wishing he could simply take away her pain.

He’d gladly endure anything that might stop her suffering. The doctor had always found being in pain much easier to bear than having to watch others hurting. And seeing Hope like this just tore him apart.

“Mmhm,” she nodded almost imperceptibly, starting to shiver with shock, cold, and pain, and McCoy cautiously tightened his arms around her, gently rubbing her back to warm her.

“God, Jenny, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, seeing her eyelids flutter at the unfamiliar use of her first name.

“Not your fault,” she mumbled, the strain in her voice tearing right through him.

 _Of course it is, if I hadn’t stupidly slipped, we’d be safely out of here now_ , the doctor thought angrily.

What he actually said, was, “Shush, don’t speak, save your energy!” 

Now was not the time for discussions.

Hope complied, her breathing calming down slightly, and McCoy was grateful that changing her position seemed to have eased her pain at least a little, his fingers never ceasing to caress her dearly beloved face and combing through her tangled curls.

“You silly, crazy girl,” he murmured affectionately, fighting the tears that were filling his eyes and threatening to spill over, unable to feel real anger towards her for being so reckless. “What have you been thinking, barging in like that and getting yourself hurt?”

“Reflex,” Hope mumbled, nestling her face closer into the palm of his hand.

“You’ve just saved my life,” McCoy whispered, bending down to plant a tender kiss on the top of her head, not caring if it was inappropriate or if he lingered too long. “Thank you!”

Hope’s response was to lift her head slightly towards his face, seeming to find comfort in his nuzzling her hair.

This was his Jenny, even if she didn’t know it, didn’t remember. And she’d just unhesitatingly risked her own life to save his. Maybe she would have done it for anyone. Knowing her, she probably would. But that didn’t lessen the love and tenderness that filled his heart until he felt it was fit to burst.

“You staying with me, Doctor?” Hope’s question startled him out of his thoughts.

She sounded worried and scared, and it killed him to think that she even needed to ask.

“Of course, I am, love, I’d never leave you!” he choked out, glad that she couldn’t see his face and turning his head to the side, so that the tears, that he just couldn’t stop from falling anymore, didn’t land on her face.

“And it’s Leonard,” he added, suddenly needing to hear her say his name.

“Leonard,” she smiled almost wistfully, although that might have been only in his mind, and his name had certainly never sounded sweeter. 

If only she knew that he could never leave her, and not just as her doctor. If only he could tell her how much he loved her.

McCoy let the tears fall freely now, careful to keep her from noticing. Grateful tears, frightened tears, desperate tears, and tears for their lost love, all mingling in his eyes and running down his dust-coated cheeks.

For a little while there, his life had been perfect. He’d had everything he’d ever dreamed of, and more. And then, everything he held dear had been taken away again. Hope’s love, their happiness, their life together. He’d been able to cope with the loss of all of that, because she’d still been there, in his life, if only as a friend, someone he could take care of. But the possibility of having her taken from him now completely, didn’t bear thinking about. He just couldn’t let that happen. Jim had better get them out of here in time.

Cold sweat was forming on Hope’s face now, and she was starting to get this glassy, feverish look in her eyes. He’d give Jim another ten minutes before he’d have to remove the splinter down here in the dark and dirt after all. The doctor could easily make a bandage out of his shirt, but what to disinfect the wound with, he had no idea. Damn him for losing his medikit!

“Tahira all right?” Hope’s scratchy voice broke into his thoughts.

“Shh, don’t worry, she’s safe,” McCoy soothed her, his lips curling into a smile again.

Leave it to Hope to worry about others, even when she was in severe pain.

“We’re good at saving little girls, aren’t we?” she rasped, the long sentence causing a coughing fit and making her wince in pain. 

McCoy inhaled sharply, pressing a gentle but firm hand to her shoulder and trying to keep her heaving chest as still as possible.

_Had he heard her right?_

“We certainly are,” he confirmed, trying not to sound too eager, not quite daring to believe that she was actually remembering anything from the last two years.

“Although, last time, I only got wet,” she breathed, then promptly passed out, leaving the doctor stunned, hopeful and fearful all at once, just as sunlight started to fill the place, and he needed to redirect all his thoughts towards getting Hope out of there, fully focusing on returning her to the _Enterprise_ and taking care of that nasty wound.

Everything else would have to wait.

* * *

When she woke up, the first thing Jenny saw was McCoy’s familiar frown hovering above her face, and she instantly knew that everything was all right. She felt a faint stinging in her side, but nothing compared to the blinding pain from before.

“You patched me up,” she croaked, gratefully accepting a glass of water and McCoy’s help to sit up.

“Course I did! But you really should have stayed outside, like I told you to,” the doctor grumbled good-naturedly, and Jenny couldn’t suppress a relieved giggle, seeing the comforting scowl on his face.

“I’m glad I didn’t,” she countered. “I’d rather not think about what might have happened to you, if I had!”

The doctor put her glass back on the nightstand, his gaze softening as he sat down on the edge of her bed with a groan, tiredly rubbing his hands over his face.

“You scared the living daylights out of me down there, love,” he sighed, shaking his head. “Thank you for saving my life.”

“You’re welcome!” Jenny beamed up at him, tilting her head in acknowledgment.

“So, you remember what happened?” McCoy asked, clearing his throat.

Did he sound a little on edge, or was she just imagining things?

“Of course, I do,” she told him, chuckling uncertainly. “I got hit on my side, not on my head. Why?”

Was he afraid she might have lost her memory all over again? No, she realised with a start, quite the contrary! He was hoping she might have miraculously regained it after her accident. Jenny’s heart sank at the thought of having to disappoint him. And herself, too, for that matter.

“Just asking,” he smiled, looking at her thoughtfully. “You mentioned something about saving girls and, maybe, a pool before you passed out?”

“Tahira! Is she all right?” Jenny exclaimed, suddenly afraid that the girl might have been injured, too.

“She’s perfectly all right, don’t worry,” McCoy was quick to reassure her. “Not even a twisted ankle on that little one. Seems to have nine lives, just like her cat. The president sends his thanks, by the way.”

“What pool?” Jenny returned to the doctor’s initial question, satisfied that Tahira was okay. “There was no pool, was there? Just dirt and dust. Maybe my scratchy throat made me hallucinate water?”

“Probably,” McCoy agreed, suddenly seeming deflated.

 _Surely, saving a girl should be something to be happy about, shouldn’t it? Why, then, did the doctor look so crestfallen?_ she wondered. 

“Minou!” it suddenly hit her. “What about her?”

“The cat’s fine, too,” McCoy chuckled, patting her arm soothingly. “Silly thing got us all into trouble, then apparently showed up at the picnic site as if she’d never been a naughty girl in her life.”

Jenny smiled at the doctor’s fond expression, totally belying the exasperation in his voice. He was such a big softie, loving all creatures, all life.

“So, when do I get out of here?” she asked extra brightly, hoping to cheer him up again.

“Patience, young lady,” McCoy smiled, putting a firm hand on her shoulder, as if he were afraid she might just jump up and leave. “Another day or two, until I can be sure that not even the Jennifer Hope way of moving can reopen your freshly healed wound.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jenny asked, giving the doctor a mock-offended look.

“Well,” he laughed, crossing his arms in front of his chest, amusement dancing in his eyes, as he raised an admonitory finger at her, “you have this tendency to skip and run instead of walk, and your idea of taking it easy is to do Rock’n’Roll acrobatics rather than combat training. So, knowing that, I have no choice but to keep you safely down here in sickbay.”

Jenny just rolled her eyes at him, pleased to see him back to mischievous rather than downcast. But when she saw McCoy’s shoulders sag again the moment he turned away, she felt she had to address the elephant in the room.

“Doctor?” she called after him, and he immediately turned around again to face her, clearly having picked up on the urgency in her voice. “Can we talk?”

“Of course, we can, love. What is it?” he asked, stepping back to her side and sitting down on her bed once more, his face a picture of hopeful concern. Or concerned hope?

“You thought I’d got my memory back, didn’t you?”

The doctor just gazed at her, biting his lip.

“Whatever I said down there made you think I had, right?”

“For a moment there, I thought so, yes,” he admitted quietly, reaching for her hand and gently taking it between his larger ones. “I was wrong. But that doesn’t mean it can’t still happen.”

McCoy looked at her with a tenderness that nearly took her breath away. Jenny was deeply touched by how desperately he wanted to comfort her, how hard he tried not to crush her hopes. She couldn’t quite fathom out why her regaining her memories should matter that much to him, but it certainly felt good to have someone care so deeply and support her.

“Now, try to get some more sleep, love,” the doctor suggested softly, running gentle fingers through her hair before getting up again. “If I see you being a good girl, getting plenty of rest, I might even consider releasing you from sickbay as soon as tomorrow.”

And obediently closing her eyes, basking in the tender affection she felt oozing from the doctor’s gentle hands and smile, Jenny soon fell back into deep, restful sleep.


	45. Chapter 45

_So close_. 

For a moment, down there in the mine, Hope had clearly remembered saving the little girl from the pool, that time on shore leave, a lifetime ago. McCoy was sure about that. And for that moment, he’d thought he had her back. His Jenny. But it had obviously just been a brief flashback, too short for her to really grasp. A cruel twist of fate, leading him to believe they could go back to what they’d had. But also a glimpse of hope. It could well have been another step towards her regaining her full memory, couldn’t it? He just had to believe that. 

Right now, McCoy didn’t want to leave her side, longing to hold and caress her, to keep her safe forever. Never let her out of his sight again. The love he felt, looking at her lying there, smiling up at him so trustingly, so like the Hope of old, was overwhelming. So was his gratitude for having her back on the _Enterprise_ , alive and – almost – well, once again. 

And yet, he needed to put some distance between them, couldn’t get back to his office soon enough, to hide and be able to breathe again. Ever since Hope had woken from her coma, the doctor’s life had been one endless rollercoaster ride, feeling as if he were losing her over and over again. And it hurt every single time.

Maybe he shouldn’t have invited love back into his life. He’d known that it always came at a cost. Especially to him. He’d made the decision to stay away from relationships after his divorce for a reason. Although not committing to Hope certainly wouldn’t have kept him from loving her anyway. Just like she’d once told him a long time ago: when true love came along, he’d be powerless to resist. Oh boy, had she ever been right! 

The doctor heaved a long sigh. Given the choice again, knowing everything he knew now, would he really want to miss a single wonderful moment with Hope? Wasn’t the previously unknown joy and happiness she’d brought into his life worth the pain? She’d been the one person in the universe who’d loved him exactly as he was. In whose eyes he’d been perfect. Hope had taught him what the word ‘love’ really meant. 

Loving her was like seeing colours for the first time in your life, when there had only been different shades of grey before. Like hearing a symphony, where there had only been noise before. It was heaven – unless it was hell – and probably something most people didn’t get to know their whole life, not even for the short time he had. Even now, despite all the pain he’d gone through because of her, he loved her with an intensity that was as exhilarating as it was scary.

Feeling drained after the events of today, McCoy decided to check on Hope one more time, before calling it a day and going back to his quarters for a relaxing shower and a much-needed, full night’s sleep. That plan, however, was doomed the moment he stepped into Hope’s room to find her tightly ensconced in Chekov’s embrace, practically clinging to him, her arms wrapped around his waist, as the young man tenderly held her. 

Feeling a sharp stab of pain as he closed his eyes against the unexpected sight, the doctor turned on his heel and fled to his quarters, barely remembering how he got there. Without even bothering to turn on the lights, he collapsed onto his bed, giving in to the burning feeling of loss and jealousy that threatened to tear him apart. 

Although he didn’t even have the right to be jealous, did he? God, this was all so wrong, and so complicated. He’d been the one to insist on not telling her about their relationship, after all. And he’d known the risk, at least theoretically. It had been the right thing to do. Why, then, did it hurt so much? 

Because Chekov had been sitting on her bed, right where McCoy should have been sitting. Because it should have been _his_ arms around Hope. _His_ embrace she was snuggling into. He’d screwed up big time. Again. And he could only hope that Chekov was going to make her happy. Because if Hope wasn’t happy, either, that would mean he’d managed to screw up both their lives. 

But how could he have got it so wrong? He’d really thought there was something between them, that they’d become closer over the past few days, that Hope had started to have feelings for him, too. Quite obviously, he was just an old fool seeing what he wanted to see. 

The doctor’s heart clenched, and he could hardly breathe anymore, when it suddenly hit home that they might never be together again, that he might have lost her forever, that this was really it. And he cried that night like he’d never cried before. 

-x-x-x-x-x-

Jenny woke up to Christine bringing her coffee. She really liked the nurse, always happy to chat. But she couldn’t deny feeling secretly disappointed at not finding McCoy there. Not that he was under any obligation to constantly monitor her as if she were his only patient, of course. But she really felt that they’d become closer over the past few days, realising that she’d started to take the doctor for granted. The way he cared so deeply and was always there for her. 

_Big mistake. Never take anyone for granted._

By the time McCoy finally came to check on her, looking drawn, like he hadn’t slept at all, it was already early afternoon, and Jenny was immediately sorry for having felt let down, when he hadn’t been there all morning. He’d obviously had a rough time, some medical or personal emergency, and she got actually worried about him.

Wanting to help, to be there for him like he’d been there for her, she asked him why he looked so upset, and if he wanted to tell her about it. But he politely declined, giving her a weird and sad look.

Jenny had hoped to talk to him about Chekov, to get some advice, a male perspective, but this was quite obviously not a good time. So, leaving sickbay when the doctor released her after a brief check-up, during which he’d hardly looked at her at all, his mind apparently on more urgent matters, she tried to ignore the strange feeling of emptiness inside, this unaccountable feeling of abandonment. She’d come back later and hopefully find him in a happier mood again. Maybe they could talk then. 

Chekov had stopped by for a short visit the evening before, wanting to make sure that she was all right, like the good friend he was. Jenny had actually wanted to take the chance to talk to him, since she’d been waiting for the right moment to address the issue of their relationship for some time already. She really liked him and didn’t want to lead him on.

Having given much thought to the question of how best to approach the subject, Jenny had decided to just outright ask Pavel what they’d been to each other, then tell him that he was a great friend, but that her feelings for him were purely platonic. However, when he’d looked at her with those puppy eyes so full of concern and affection for her, the conversation hadn’t gone quite the way she’d planned. 

She’d started to talk around it, but when Chekov had gloomily asked if she really didn’t remember anything at all, thus confirming her suspicion that they’d been more than just friends, she just hadn’t had the heart to hurt him even more. Instead, she’d stupidly broken down, ranting about how she remembered every bloody step of their choreographies, but not a single thing about him, until he’d suddenly put his arms around her, wanting to comfort her, and she’d let him. 

He’d been so sweet and gentle, and she’d hugged him back, his touch soothing and, admittedly, somehow familiar, although probably just from their numerous dancing sessions. But it had still felt so wrong. There was really just one pair of arms she wanted to feel around her. Only one – blue-shirted – chest she wanted to nestle into.

Jenny decided to give the doctor another couple of hours to deal with whatever had him so upset and worried, and then go back to see him right before the end of his shift. Maybe she could coax him into pouring his heart out to her, unless patient-doctor confidentiality kept him from doing so, of course. She’d really like to help him and put a smile back on that handsome face that made her heart beat faster just thinking about. And maybe he’d also have a suggestion for how to let Chekov down gently.

Truthfully, she didn’t care what they did or talked about, if only she could be near the doctor again. If only she could feel his eyes on her again. Maybe even get him to hold her again, his warmth spreading through every atom in her body. Jenny just couldn’t help the way she was drawn to him.

-x-x-x-x-x-

His shift was nearly over, but McCoy couldn’t face going back to his quarters, to be reminded even more of his loss, seeing Hope wherever he looked, lingering on the bed, or reading on the couch, humming in the shower or brushing her teeth. He couldn’t face going to the mess, the observation deck, a rec room, or the gym, either. For the very same reason. And he certainly didn’t want to risk running into Hope and Chekov anywhere. It was way too soon, he might find himself making a scene. Or having a total melt-down in front of everybody.

To his surprise, all his anger and despair seemed to simply evaporate the instant Hope knocked on his door and sauntered in like she had a million times before. Before all that post-coma amnesia madness had started, that was. Seeing her bright smile, so kind and confident, yet a little insecure for fear of intruding, did something to his heart he couldn’t explain. She’d come looking for him. She wanted to be around him.

From the expression on Hope’s face, he could tell that something was bothering her. That she was summoning up the courage to address whatever was on her mind. Oh, how well he knew her! She had this guardedly vulnerable look in her eyes, and at that moment he couldn’t have been angry with her, even if he’d tried. Her vulnerability, and the way she tried to hide it, would always be his weakness. 

“What can I do for you, Hope?” McCoy asked, stepping around his desk towards her, when she seemed hesitant to approach him. “Is your injury giving you trouble?”

“No, Doctor, not at all,” she smiled, quickly shaking her head. “I actually came to see if you’re feeling better again? You seemed really down earlier.”

“I’m fine, love, don’t worry about me,” he reassured her, touched that she’d come back to check on him, and immediately wishing he could take back the ‘love’ that had, once again, sneaked into his utterance all too easily.

“You know, you’ve been there for me so many times, I just hoped you might want to let me share what’s bothering you, too,” she said softly, bashfully averting her eyes.

“That’s very sweet of you, Hope, thank you,” McCoy replied, his voice cracking a little, “but it’s nothing really. Just a minor hiccup that annoyed me, nothing for you to worry about.”

Hope’s face told him that there was still something else on her mind. 

“Anything else you’d like to talk about?” he asked warmly, hoping to get her to stay a little longer.

It was downright absurd how much her mere presence in his office cheered him up. He could almost forget about her and Chekov.

“God, I wish it were you,” she sighed after a few moments.

“I were what?” he prompted gently, a little confused. 

“Uh, never mind. This is silly, I really shouldn’t be bothering you with it,” Hope made to leave again, blushing furiously. 

“Come on, bother away, please!” he grinned, touching a hand to her back and gently steering her over to the couch, feeling almost giddy with joy that she was still coming to him with her worries. “Let’s sit down, and you can tell me. I’m officially off shift now, so we have all the time in the world.”

“It’s about Chekov,” she murmured, settling down on the couch, and McCoy felt all the blood drain from his cheeks. “Well, that’s actually only part of it. It’s really about me not remembering anything about my relationships or even my feelings during the past two years, which is starting to get really awkward.”

All the doctor could do was sink down on the couch next to Hope, not wanting to hear any more, yet needing to hear it all, the noise of his hammering heart almost drowning out Hope’s voice, as she kept talking, completely oblivious to McCoy’s anguish.

“Nyota and the others aren’t being very helpful. And I thought, since you seem to know me pretty well, too, maybe you could enlighten me? At least give me some clues?”

“What would you like to know?” the doctor asked, not quite sure what she expected from him.

“People, Uhura especially, keep dropping hints that I might have been in love, possibly even in a relationship with someone. But they won’t tell me any details, because they say they don’t know anything for sure. Apparently, I’ve been a little secretive about my love life,” she giggled embarrassedly, “but the thought of not even remembering something like that is driving me crazy.” 

“And have you got feelings for anyone?” McCoy found himself asking, trying to prepare himself for the answer he definitely didn’t want to hear. 

“Yes, I actually do,” she replied quietly, not quite meeting his eye.

_Well, still hurtful, but not quite the bombshell it was yesterday, anymore._

“But the thing is,” Hope chuckled uncertainly, “I’ve been wracking my brains trying to find out who it might possibly be that my friends are hinting at, and everything seems to be pointing towards Chekov.” 

“And would you like it to be him?” McCoy asked softly, his voice barely more than a whisper, wondering what the hell he’d seen the evening before.

“No,” Hope shook her head sadly, and the doctor felt himself starting to tremble with surprised relief. “I mean he’s sweet and everything, and I _do_ like him, but just not in that way. In fact, I tried to tell him as much yesterday, but then couldn’t bring myself to say it to his face. I’m such a coward, and I feel terrible now, I really have to talk to him properly soon.”

McCoy was hardly listening anymore, too busy stopping himself from crying with happiness at the news. Hope was not in love with Chekov after all. There was still time to win her back, to make it all right. 

“But then, I don’t feel that way for anyone I could think of as …” Hope continued, catching the doctor’s attention again.

“I thought you _had_ feelings for someone?” he cut in, raising a quizzical eyebrow.

“I do,” she sighed, blushing, “just not for someone who might have been in love, let alone in a relationship with me. It can’t be him, no matter how much I wish it were.”

_Oh._

“But I can’t stop thinking about him,” Hope murmured softly, and the doctor could tell that she was dying to talk about her feelings. 

“So, who’s the lucky guy then?” McCoy asked, swallowing hard, not quite sure if he was ready to hear the answer. 

Hope just gazed at him meaningfully for a long moment, then looked away again, blushing an even deeper shade of pink.

 _Me?_ McCoy thought incredulously, hardly daring to hope. 

“I’m sorry, Doctor,” Hope gushed, “I really shouldn’t be bothering you with this. I’m only embarrassing myself. It was a bad idea to come here and discuss my feelings with you. My emotions seem to be all over the place.”

She got up from the couch, jumping to her feet as if she’d been stung, and McCoy rose with her, laying a soothing hand on her arm.

“Whoa, there, wait a little,” he murmured with his heart in his throat, looking at her intensely. “What feelings would that be? Jenny, if there’s something you’d like to tell me, please do!”

Hope hesitated a little, nervously licking her lips. 

“I actually just came here because I wanted to be close to you, Doctor,” she mumbled, looking at the floor.

“Like this?” he asked softly, stepping closer and putting his arms lightly around her shoulders, his heart leaping when she nodded and looked up at him with hopeful disbelief. “Why?”

“Because I feel so good around you,” she admitted shyly. “I just love being near you, and you’re always there for me, too. When I’m upset, I always seem to end up in your arms for comfort.”

Hope seemed to be on a roll now, and McCoy was listening, completely enthralled by her words.

“When I woke up from the coma, your kind eyes were the first thing I saw, and I just knew I didn’t have to be afraid. Even though I had no idea where I was, or why, or even who, I felt safe. Incredibly drawn to you. And when you took me in your arms that first day, I felt so comfortable, so comforted, I wanted to find more reasons to be upset only for you to hold me again. I can’t help it, I love your voice, your smile, your brilliance, your kindness, just everything about you.”

McCoy was flabbergasted. He still had his arms lightly around Hope’s shoulders, smiling down at her like a loon, unable to process what was happening. Could it really be that she didn’t remember him or their relationship, and had still fallen in love with him again?

“And why would you think it can’t be me?” he asked, barely able to get the words out.

_What a stupid question!_

Wasn’t it obvious? Did he really need her to spell it out for him? That he was so old and boring that being in a relationship with him had never even occurred to her?

“Because you’re clearly not in love with me,” she chuckled mirthlessly, almost making him laugh out loud in surprise. “You care about me, you’re kind and protective, and you certainly feel responsible for me. But you’re not interested in me other than being your patient. And sometimes you’re grumpy, angry even, and sad, because my condition seems to frustrate and upset you, and then it’s painfully obvious that you’d rather be anywhere else.”

 _Of course_ , McCoy groaned inwardly, feeling immediately guilty, _that’s what it must have seemed like to her, when he’d taken off in the middle of something, because it had just been too painful to be around her._

‘I’m really sorry for giving that impression,” he said, touching a gentle hand to her cheek and watching her briefly close her eyes with a soft sigh, as she couldn’t resist leaning into his touch. 

The doctor waited a moment, until she opened her eyes again, looking at him in bewilderment. 

“What if I told you that I want to be close to you, too? That I have feelings for you, too?” he murmured, tenderly smiling down at her and pulling her closer, hardly able to contain his love and joy anymore. “What if I told you that I’m madly in love with you? And always have been?”


	46. Chapter 46

“You mean,” Jenny began, unconsciously raising her face towards McCoy’s, but found that she had lost all power of coherent speech.

Did ‘always’ mean even before her coma? Had she been aware of it? Had they been together? Had he even just said what she thought he’d said, or had her yearning heart made her hear things? And what had she been thinking, declaring her love for the doctor like that in the first place? What on earth had possessed her to do that?

Her thoughts were racing, but her mind was in a haze, and she just couldn’t think straight, completely lost in the doctor’s beautiful eyes, gazing at her with so much love and tenderness, she felt her heart overflow. She’d come here to be near him, happy to just talk and listen to him. She’d never expected _this_.

But before she even had a chance to gather her wits, McCoy’s lips were on hers, soft and wonderful, and she surrendered to the sweetest kiss she’d ever known. It was such a gentle kiss, the doctor’s lips softly probing, caressing, not demanding at all. And yet, Jenny could feel the hunger, the passion underneath, just waiting to be released.

McCoy wasn’t being pushy in any way, first his lips, and then his tongue, just exploring, tenderly communicating his love, and she felt herself melting into his kiss and his embrace. Moulding herself against his body, keenly aware of the gentle breeze of his breath on her face and the comforting warmth of his arms around her. It felt exciting and new, yet comforting, and so very, very right. Like a dream come true.

“God, I’m so sorry Jenny. I didn’t mean to…” the doctor’s voice trailed away, as he suddenly pulled back, looking at her, appalled. “Are you okay? I really meant to keep in mind that you’re only just getting to know me, I got completely carried away.”

Jenny could see the concern and the guilt in his eyes, and stopped him with a gentle finger to his lips. Wasn’t it just so typical of McCoy to draw her into something as wonderful as this kiss, and still worry about overstepping a line?

“I’m more than okay, Doctor,” she smiled up at him, wanting nothing more than to feel his lips on hers again. “Although I can hardly believe this is real. And I’ve got so many questions for you.”

“Of course, you have,” he replied kindly, running his hands soothingly up and down her arms. “And please, call me Leonard. I think we’ve just more than qualified for being on first name terms."

He was adorable. So thoughtful, wanting to do everything right by her. If this was any indication of what being loved by this man was like, she was a very lucky woman, indeed.

“How about we sit down again and talk?” the doctor asked, suddenly seeming afraid to touch her at all.

“Yes, let’s,” Jenny agreed, taking his hand and pulling him down to sit on the couch with her.

“So, what would you like to know first?” McCoy asked, withdrawing his hand and casually resting his arm on the back of the couch behind her, not quite around her shoulders, but close.

“Have we been in love before my coma?” Jenny asked bluntly, not quite sure where to start herself.

“Oh, yes, we have,” the doctor confirmed emphatically, the enormity of his feelings for her clearly visible in his eyes.

“A relationship even?” she ventured.

“That’s definitely another yes,” he smiled, “although no one knows yet, apart from Jim and, obviously, Spock.”

“The captain knows?” Jenny exclaimed in surprise, as several memories of the captain acting strangely and making cryptic remarks came flooding back. “Now, that would explain a lot.”

“Well, Jim’s never been known for his subtlety,” McCoy laughed, and Jenny thought she always wanted to see that carefree laugh on the doctor’s face.

“And our relationship, would that have been including … er … everything?” she couldn’t help asking, hoping he’d get her meaning.

As far as she was concerned, they’d only just had their first kiss, and it was hard to imagine anything more at this point. So, she really had to know.

“Including everything, yes,” the doctor chuckled softly, his eyes twinkling with mirth.

The question had evidently amused him, but the way he gazed at her, his face so full of understanding, nipped any embarrassment she might have felt in the bud. It was clear that he perfectly recognised her need to fill in the blanks.

“So, you’ve seen me … er … without my clothes and everything?”

If McCoy found her concern hilarious, he didn’t let on.

“And everything, yes,” he confirmed again, the merest hint of a smile on his lips, then lovingly added, “And let me assure you that you’re absolutely beautiful. Inside and out.”

Jenny felt herself blush at his words. To think that she’d been in love with the doctor for weeks now, and he’d been _The One_ all this time.

“Please, don’t take this the wrong way, Doc… Leonard,” she said, encouraged by the unwavering affection in his expression, “I’m thrilled by how this evening is turning out, and I couldn’t be happier, even though I’m still having a hard time getting my head around it, but it _is_ strange and, frankly, a little unsettling that you know everything about me, while I know next to nothing about you.”

“I can only imagine,” he smiled softly, and the compassion in his eyes instantly took all of her uneasiness away again. “And I agree, I have an unfair advantage over you at the moment. But I promise to use it only to help and protect you. Do you think you can trust me?”

The solemnity with which he made his promise almost made her laugh, and she had no doubt about his sincerity. 

“I can, and I do,” she reassured him quietly, thinking that there was genuinely no one she felt she could trust more.

Unthinkingly, she leaned back against him, and let out a content sigh when she felt his arm tentatively snake around her shoulders and draw her closer.

“Is it all right for me to snuggle up a little?” Jenny felt the need to ask permission, mentally shaking her head at the weirdness of the whole situation.

“Snuggle up all you want, love,” McCoy chuckled. “Actually, do anything you want. As long as I can feel you, hold you, I’m not complaining.”

Resting her head on his shoulder and putting one arm across his chest, Jenny heard the doctor sigh with pleasure, as he wrapped both of his arms around her and buried his face in her hair.

“I love you, Jenny,” he whispered. “More than you can imagine. And even though you don’t remember, you still felt drawn to me. Safe with me. That’s how strong our connection is.”

Hearing those words started butterflies in Jenny’s stomach, and filled her heart with joy she hadn’t known existed. Yet, she wasn’t quite ready to say them back to him. It was all too sudden, too soon. But the doctor didn’t seem to mind, even seemed to understand. Because when she raised her head to look at him, there was not a trace of hurt or disappointment in his eyes. Only love. Endless love and happiness.

Seeming to read her thoughts, McCoy said, “It’s all right, love. You don’t have to say anything. I know it’s all so new for you. But we have all the time in the world now. The hardest thing has been to know how badly you needed touch and cuddles, to see you longing for love and security, and not being allowed to give you more than an occasional hug. But that’s over now. Whatever you need, I’ll give to you. I’m here for you, Jenny. You set the pace.”

Deeply touched, Jenny settled back into his embrace, nestling even closer and feeling her heart brim over with love. Savouring the feeling of his hands so tenderly stroking her hair and rubbing her back, she couldn’t help but wonder what it must have been like to be in a relationship with someone so considerate, so caring, so concerned about her feelings and her wellbeing.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” she asked. “The whole situation must have been so terribly hard on you!”

“Jenny,” he smiled mildly, “you didn’t remember anything about us. Hell, you didn’t even remember you knew me at all. I was, I _am_ basically a stranger to you. I couldn’t just force you into a relationship. All I could do was take care of you, and hope you’d fall in love with me again eventually.”

“I’m so sorry I made you go through this,” she said, trying to imagine what it must have been like for him.

“Don’t be, love,” the doctor shook his head gently, “It’s not your fault. And neither is the fact that you’ll need time to get to know me again. Or do you think I can’t see your uncertainty? Your fear of having to give too much too soon? How you’re wondering if we’ve shared quarters, scared that I’ll want you to move back in right away, maybe even share my bed tonight? You can’t know yet, but I’d never demand anything you’re not ready for. We’ll take it as slowly as you want and need us to, all right?”

McCoy’s words went straight to Jenny’s heart, feeling like a cool, soothing breeze, calming her mind and taking away fears she hadn’t even been able to put into words yet.

“Thank you, Leonard,” she murmured, “I have to admit I _do_ feel a little overwhelmed right now.”

“Jenny,” he responded, gently turning her around in his arms so he could look at her properly. “I love you more than words can say. All I want is for you to feel happy and safe. Once you know me better again, if that’s even what you want, you’ll find that I’d never push you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. If we just hold hands and kiss for the rest of our lives, I’ll be totally fine with that.”

Jenny chuckled at that, actually believing him. The doctor was exactly like that. A gentleman to the core. Although she was pretty certain that she wouldn’t make him wait too long for anything more than kissing and holding hands. If she was honest with herself, she wanted to feel more of him already.

“If there’s one thing I’m sure of,” she smiled at him, “it’s that I _do_ want to get to know you again. All of you.”

“I’m very happy to hear that,” McCoy beamed, “but please understand that you’re under no obligation here. Of course, I hope that we’ll find what we had again. It was the happiest I’ve ever been. But I’d rather live without you than see you try to pretend what you don’t actually feel.”

 _He’s even more wonderful than I imagined_ , Jenny thought, nodding in acknowledgement of his words.

“You know, I’ve always felt that I’m missing something important, some crucial part of my life. And now that I know what it is, I wish I could remember more than ever,” she said, smiling sadly at the doctor. “We must have been so incredibly happy.”

“We certainly were,” McCoy smiled back confidently. “And we will be again, you’ll see.”

“Will you tell me everything about us?” Jenny asked, tingling with anticipation.

“It will be my pleasure,” the doctor grinned fondly. “Our whole, wonderful story. You’ve always enjoyed listening to me telling it, in fact, you made me tell it over and over again.”

McCoy pressed an impulsive kiss to her forehead, and Jenny could feel all his love and affection pour from his lips straight into her soul.

“But there’s still a chance that you’ll remember everything yourself. When we were trapped in the mine, you already started to remember something that happened around a year ago.” 

“I did?” Jenny was sitting bolt upright, unsuccessfully trying to cast her mind back to those painful minutes. “I don’t really recall anything from down there, it’s all so foggy in my mind.”

“I know,” the doctor smiled reassuringly, “that’s normal. You were in severe pain and distress. But don’t worry, even if you never regain your full memory, we’ll simply start over again. As you told me a few weeks ago, it’s only two years after all. And what’s that in the grand scheme of things, when there’s still so much life left for us to share. We’ll just make new, wonderful memories.”

Jenny had to choke back tears at his words. She’d never felt so loved and cherished before. How could she not have seen this sooner? How could she have missed all that love, that fire, in McCoy’s eyes and mistaken it for a caring doctor’s fatherly concern? There was nothing fatherly in his gaze right now, and she almost wished he were less considerate and would just drag her off to his quarters.

Instead, the doctor got up and held out a hand to her

“I’ve got an idea. Let me start to reintroduce myself to you. Among other things, we used to listen to classic country music together.”

“Oh, I love country music!” Jenny cut in, taking McCoy’s hand and looking at him expectantly.

“And don’t I know it,” he chuckled fondly. “Will you dance with me to our song then?

“Gladly!”

Jenny jumped to her feet and was immediately drawn into the doctor’s arms, who ordered, “Computer, lights to twenty percent, and start country playlist.”

As the first chords rang out, Jenny instantly recognised her favourite country music couple, instinctively shuffling closer to McCoy, wrapping her arms around his neck and resting her face against his chest.

“ _It’s Your Love_ ,” she whispered, thinking how very fitting the song was, and how she’d always dreamed of finding someone to feel that way about her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to listen to Hope’s and McCoy’s song, search for Faith Hill and Tim McGraw – “It’s Your Love”.  
> Here's a link: https://youtu.be/2AJ4i4S_fP8


	47. Chapter 47

McCoy’s heart was brimming over with love and happiness. He could hardly believe what was happening. How this day had turned from absolute hell to having everything he’d ever wanted right here, back in his arms again. That he was actually holding Hope, dancing to their song, no longer forced to hide his feelings for her. That he could suddenly enjoy the familiar voices and harmonies again, when he hadn’t been able to listen to any country music at all for weeks, feeling sick to the core with grief and loss just from hearing the sound of a steel guitar.

He might never have _his_ Hope back, but _this_ Hope was just as wonderful and adorable. And for some unfathomable reason, which by now he knew better than to question too closely, she’d fallen in love with him again. That could only mean that they were truly meant to be together. That they’d be happy again. He believed that with all his heart.

Feeling Hope pressing up against him, her familiar body, which had driven him to ecstatic heights so often in the past, enticingly swaying in time with the music, did the most incredible things to his groin. But of course, he was aware that she didn’t remember any of the passionate nights they’d shared. As far as she was concerned, they were only just getting to know each other.

Loving her the way he did, there was no question he’d manage to hold back until she was ready. In a way, having this sweet and inexperienced version of Hope back certainly held its own appeal and felt almost exciting. He’d shown her the pleasures of physical love once before, and she’d been a fast learner, indeed. He’d enjoy showing her again. Being tender and careful with Hope was certainly no hardship for him.

McCoy remembered how, after her return from the _Lexington_ , she’d told him that she hadn’t been intimate with anyone else in this century, and that she’d love to keep it that way. He’d been extremely touched by her words then, ridiculously pleased to find himself being so special to her. And he was eternally grateful that nothing seemed to have changed there. That she’d chosen him to be her first - and hopefully only - love once again.

Moving slowly to the music, basking in the most tender feelings, the doctor felt Hope suddenly go rigid in his arms. Taking an abrupt step back, she stared at him with wide eyes, a look of confusion on her face that instantly got him worried.

“We’ve danced to that song before,” she said, a statement, not a question, despite her voice being barely a whisper, then continued a little less certain, “on a beach? And why were we so sad?”

McCoy gasped, wanting to punch the air with joy and relief, yet not quite daring to hope that her remembering the last evening of their shore leave on Earth would wind up any different than her fragmentary memory in the mine had. Gone again as quickly as it had come.

But before he could even start to answer her questions, Hope went on, her voice much stronger now, her face glowing with hopeful delight, “Wait! We sang it together for the first time right here in your office! You thought you were alone, and …”

This time, McCoy couldn’t hold back, a huge grin spreading across his face as he wrapped his arms around her waist, lifted her off the floor and spun her around, letting out an overjoyed whoop.

“That’s it, love!” he exclaimed, beaming with delight, as he gently set her down on the floor again. “Keep going, keep the images coming!”

Hope looked at him blankly for a moment. Then her gaze drifted off into the distance, her eyes moving rapidly as her mind tried to conjure up more memories.

“Oh my God!” she suddenly cried out, “It was _you_! I told _you_! About Star Fleet ordering me to secrecy, about actually having been born in the 20th century. About everything!”

She fell rather than stepped back into his arms, and he easily caught her, pulling her into a tight embrace and holding her close, as she wearily slumped against him.

“You’ve got it all right, love,” the doctor murmured soothingly, willing her to remember everything, yet trying to give her time and not sound too eager or impatient. “Why don’t we sit down again?”

* * *

“All right,” Jenny agreed, dazed, as McCoy gently guided her back to the couch.

Sitting down, she felt totally drained from trying to wheedle more memories out of her addled brain. As well as giddy with excitement and restless with unanswered questions. All at the same time.

She clearly remembered how the doctor had tenderly coaxed the truth from her, adamant to share whatever burden she was carrying on her shoulders. The relief she’d felt after she’d confided in him, fully trusting him to know what to do with the shared information, to help her cope.

All of a sudden, there was a new closeness between her and McCoy, a familiarity that hadn’t been there only minutes ago. Yet, she felt incredibly shy around him, her brain still not quite processing what her heart already knew.

But when the doctor sat down beside her, doing no more than touch a tender hand to her face while his eyes shone with unbridled love, Jenny’s lips found his of their own accord. She could hear his sharp intake of breath, taken aback for a second by her sudden boldness, before returning her kiss with a passion that absolutely matched hers.

It was the weirdest feeling, so comfortingly familiar, and yet making her feel extremely self-conscious, terribly afraid of having thrown McCoy off guard with the intensity of her kiss. There was really only one word for how she felt. Awkward.

Their ardent, all-consuming kiss seemed to go on forever, hands hungrily exploring, caressing, trying to find their way onto bare skin. Until Jenny noticed that only _her_ hands were being so forward, while the doctor’s contented themselves with tenderly rubbing her back through her uniform and playing with her hair.

The sudden realisation made her pull back momentarily, mortified by her brazenness, but McCoy just smiled at her, not seeming shocked in the least. To the contrary, the doctor had quite obviously enjoyed her abandon, yet looked as if he’d more or less expected her to draw out of this passionate moment as abruptly as she’d initiated it.

“It’s all right, love,” he reassured her, his voice warm and soothing while his hands were still softly caressing her back. “I meant it, when I said you set the pace. And if your feelings are bouncing back and forth right now, that’s totally okay, too. Whatever your heart tells you to do, I’ll be happy to follow your lead.”

Feeling her eyes well up at McCoy’s deep understanding, Jenny leaned into him again, and let herself be drawn into the most comforting hug. The doctor seemed too good to be true, yet she felt in her heart that he’d always been that way with her. That she’d always been and would always be able to count on his never-ending kindness, his unreserved support, and his unconditional love.

As if to prove her point, McCoy planted an affectionate kiss on the top of her head, then drew back a little, looking at her intently, his eyes sparkling with excitement as another idea seemed to strike him.

“I’d like to show you something,” he smiled mysteriously, getting up and going over to his desk, where he took a small box out of one of the drawers.

“What’s this?” Jenny asked curiously.

“See for yourself,” the doctor beamed gleefully, sitting down beside her again, and gently placed the box in her hands. “You got it on your first shore leave, and I’ve kept it for you these past few weeks.”

Trembling with anticipation, Jenny carefully opened the box, revealing a beautiful, dolphin-shaped ring. Not quite, but pretty close to the one Tom had given her, she realised. A little confused, she looked up at McCoy, who was smiling at her encouragingly, almost as if he were hoping for a particular reaction from her.

Losing herself in the doctor’s deep blue eyes for a moment, soaking up the endless love and kindness she found there, Jenny turned her attention back to the ring, carefully taking it out of its box and holding it reverently between her fingers. Delicately turning it around and looking at it from all sides, Jenny froze, as a whole tsunami of memories flooded her mind.

“You gave me that ring, didn’t you, Leonard?” she asked, suddenly recalling that evening in full clarity. “When we said goodbye before I had to leave for the _Lexington_.”

McCoy just nodded, his eyes filling with tears. Whether they were tears of joy at her remembering, or tears of sorrow at the memory of that particular evening, she didn’t know.

“Oh my God, we had this whole, incredible shore leave together!” she exclaimed, as it all came back to her. “There was Stuey, right? Was that his name?”

The doctor nodded again, tears – of happiness, she was sure this time – running down his cheeks now, gently placing his hands on her shoulders and gazing at her intently, obviously searching her face for clues of more memories returning.

“I remember a cave,” she went on, not quite sure how that fit in with everything else. “You were holding me all night, and I felt so …”

“ _Geborgen?_ ” the doctor supplied, the infinite love shining from his eyes melting her heart.

“Exactly,” she breathed, wondering how he even knew the word, while realising that it had been the precise expression she’d been looking for.

But before she could dwell on McCoy’s surprising knowledge of German any more, she was distracted by yet more memories filling her mind and her heart, almost overwhelming her in their complexity.

“Shore leave with you was magical,” she murmured, and the doctor leaned even closer to hear her, his warmth, his scent, his closeness engulfing her, soothing her, grounding her.

Jenny remembered dancing with him, then sitting on a bench, talking, kissing.

“That night!” she burst out, as everything suddenly fell into place. “After the dance. Our first, mind-blowing night together.”

She was completely lost for words, as she recalled everything she’d felt that night, everything _he’d_ made her feel. The desire, the passion, the pleasure, the fulfilment. How she’d just known with absolute clarity that the doctor was everything she’d ever dreamed of, or could possibly ever wish for. The utter happiness she’d felt then. That certainty of being safe, and loved. Of being where she’d always been meant to be.

Meeting McCoy’s eyes, Jenny didn’t even need him to tell her that he felt exactly the same. That he was hers as much as she felt she was his. And it was only then, that she started to understand the full extent of the pain he must have felt, when he’d found out about her amnesia. Feeling the way she did now, just thinking about not being able to show it, let alone not having her feelings returned, almost broke her heart.

No wonder he’d often been cranky and just had to get away from her. How he’d even managed to be there for her at all, to remain so loving and giving, so gentle and caring, was beyond her. She couldn’t even begin to imagine the hurt he must have felt at her ignorance of everything concerning their beautiful relationship.

Jenny’s head started to throb, overwhelmed by all the thoughts and images coming tumbling in thick and fast, and she had to squeeze her eyes shut against the pain and the dizziness, pressing her hands to her temples, trying to keep her mind from exploding.

She was dimly aware of McCoy’s concerned look, as he pulled a scanner out of nowhere and began waving it around in front of her face, while visions of underwater worlds, and dinosaurs, and crevices started to spin inside her head.

Someone was whimpering. Was it her? She suddenly felt the doctor’s arms around her, so gentle, so safe, and she could see that he was talking to her, his sweet lips moving so sensually, but she couldn’t hear a word he was saying. She just wanted to kiss him.

_Kiss him. Hold him and kiss him._

Jenny felt herself being tenderly lifted. She was floating. Or was she falling?

 _Falling_.

Fully trusting that Leonard would be there to catch her. He always was.


	48. Chapter 48

McCoy had never witnessed someone regaining their memory after a bout of temporary amnesia before, but he’d read up on everything on the subject he’d been able to get his hands on over the past few weeks and immediately recognised – and was prepared for – the symptoms of ‘mental overload’.

He couldn’t even begin to imagine what it must be like to have two years’ worth of memories come flooding back into your mind all at once, and judging from Hope’s reaction it was painful as well as overwhelming. Nevertheless, he was very grateful that it was happening, overjoyed that Hope would finally be able to put her doubts and fears to rest, while the doctor in him, admittedly, appreciated the opportunity, fascinated by the experience.

When Hope showed the first signs of dizziness and nausea, he tried to calm her down by talking to her. But when he got no reaction and saw her pressing her hands to her temples in obvious pain, he got out his trusted tricorder to scan her. Even though he knew it was to be expected, the current level of brain activity worried him, and when she started to lose consciousness, he quickly gathered her in his arms and carried her to the nearest biobed.

Hope had started to moan and whimper in earnest, but the doctor feared that sedating her in this phase of memory recovery might be detrimental to the process. So he tried to soothe her with gentle touches, words, and caresses as well as he could, grateful when she finally passed out, her face relaxing into a serene and peaceful expression as her brain activity sank to a more normal level.

Heaving a sigh of relief, McCoy pulled up a chair and settled down next to the bed, deciding to just let her recover in her own time, while intending not to leave her side for even a moment. The monitor emitted quiet, reassuringly regular beeps, and after a while showed that she had shifted from unconsciousness to a deep sleep, which he hoped would afford her the rest she needed.

Looking down at her beloved face as she lay there, blissfully asleep, the doctor finally relaxed and gave in to the multitude of emotions that had been building up inside him all evening. Love, hope, worry, fear, relief, doubt, exhilaration, being just a few of them.

This woman was his life. Her love and their relationship worth every moment of pain, or fear, or worry. He just knew that he’d fall in love with her over and over again, not matter what, no matter where. In every life, in every universe, in every dimension. And this absolute certainty literally took his breath away.

Strangely though, while McCoy could hardly wait for her to wake up, to finally have the woman back he’d come to love and respect so deeply, who had been at his side, supporting him and enriching his life in so many wonderful ways over the past two years, he knew he was also somehow going to miss the Hope he’d got to know over the last few weeks, a really wonderful lady in her own right.

Never taking his eyes off his beloved, the doctor commed Kirk to give him the good news, and at the same time informed him that he was taking Hope off shift for at least the next day, not even pretending to put up a fight when Jim more or less ordered him to take the day off, too.

* * *

Jenny woke up with a start, feeling a little disoriented. She’d had the strangest dream and needed a moment to realise she was in sickbay. And that it hadn’t really been a dream at all. But when she saw Leonard beaming down at her, she knew that whatever the reason for her being in sickbay right now, it couldn't be too serious.

 _The drip! My blood!_ it suddenly struck her, sitting up. _I fiddled with the parameters!_

“Please don’t be mad at me, Leonard,” she blurted out looking up at him, putting on her best puppy eyes.

“Why would I be mad at you, love?” he asked, a worried little frown creeping up on his face.

“Because I tampered with the alarm?” Jenny admitted hesitantly, and when he just stared at her, quite obviously trying to find the right words, she added, “You never told me that the whole amnesia debacle was actually my fault. You must have been so angry.”

McCoy’s face crumpled at her words, and before she could say anything else, his eyes welled up, and he pulled her into a tight hug, holding her close as his whole body was wracked with sobs, his tears finding their way through her hair and trickling down the side of her head.

“I was mad at you,” he said eventually, when he was all cried out, and Jenny almost wanted him to be furious, feeling terribly guilty about having put him through so much pain. “Or at least I tried. Believe me, I tried.”

He pulled back, and she gently touched his tear-streaked face, trying to hold back her own tears. She had no right to cry, it had all been her doing.

“I’m so sorry I hurt you, Leonard,” she whispered, “I …”

She stopped short. There was really no excuse, no words of comfort that could take away the pain she’d caused him.

“You have every right to hate me now,” she whispered. “I was reckless and stupid, I knowingly ignored your warnings, and I put you through hell.”

“But you saved everyone aboard,” McCoy countered, taking her hands in his and kissing her fingers. “And I could never hate you. You know that as well as I do.”

Jenny lifted her face to brush a gentle kiss on his lips. Of course, she knew that. Or had at least hoped so.

“And I think all the anxiety your memory loss caused you, too, over the past few weeks, was more than enough punishment for trying to do the right thing,” the doctor continued softly. “Because I know that’s what you did, even though you were reckless and made a poor choice.”

“Not to forget having to live without you for so long,” she smiled at him ruefully. “Although you were terrific, Leonard. You were always there for me. And maybe I didn’t remember you, but I certainly loved you from the moment I woke up and looked into your eyes.”

“Is that so?” the doctor grinned at her, his earlier distress giving way to a playful twinkle in his eyes. “I’ll keep you here in sickbay for the night, just to be sure, and then tomorrow, maybe I can give you a demonstration of what you’ve been missing.”

“Oh Leonard,” Jenny cried out, “do I really have to stay here? I’m feeling perfectly all right!”

“I want to be on the safe side here,” McCoy replied.

“And I just want to go home,” she sighed pleadingly.

* * *

There was no way he even wanted to win this argument, McCoy thought, looking at Hope’s imploring eyes. He wanted nothing more than for her to come home, too.

“All right,” he drawled, trying not to get emotional again, “but you’ll have to promise me you’ll instantly tell me about even the lightest headache or any other pain. Can I trust you there?”

“Promise!” Hope said solemnly, then quietly added, as she gazed at him intently, “But you must promise me something, too!”

“And what would that be?” the doctor asked softly, taking her hand and gently pulling her to her feet.

“Should I ever lose my memory again, please don’t leave me in the dark like you did this time. It’s too hurtful for both of us. We simply belong together. I hope you can finally see that, too.”

McCoy couldn't find his voice to answer, so he just nodded briefly, and then pulled her into his arms again. He really had to work on being less emotional, Spock was right. This constant threat of breaking out in tears over just about anything was getting a nuisance. But then again, that’s what loving Hope did to you, wasn’t it?

* * *

_Sweet, dear Leonard_ , Jenny thought as she hurried towards her quarters, _so forgiving, no matter what I put him through. I’ll really have to try not to cause him so much worry and pain anymore._

McCoy had asked her to go get her things from her cabin while he finished up in sickbay, and then meet him in his quarters – where she belonged, as he’d smilingly put it – afterwards.

She could hardly wait. More than two months without being intimate with him – unthinkable, really, before her coma. And, even worse, more than two months without falling asleep or waking up in his arms.

Physical love was, of course, not what their relationship was built on, the affection, respect, and admiration for each other going much deeper than that. But it was certainly something Jenny had come to enjoy and even crave, once the doctor had shown her the heavenly pleasures of being with the right man.

When she arrived at the CMO’s quarters, and found the doctor still fully dressed, two coffees waiting for them next to the couch, she was almost disappointed. Even more so, when, ignoring the two cups and going straight to wrap her arms around his neck, kissing him with all her pent-up passion, she found him strangely hesitant. Almost reluctant.

“Something wrong, Leonard?” she asked, pulling back and looking at him worriedly.

But McCoy shook his head, drew her back into his arms and began to kiss her with more fervour, making her almost swoon with longing, when he ran his gentle hands tenderly all over her body, as if discovering it for the first time. Yet, despite his amazing fingers touching her in the exactly right places, she could feel that he was still holding back, starting to undress her with extreme care, far more slowly than she’d have expected – or wanted – him to.

She was almost reminded of their very first night together. The way he watched her closely for any reaction, taking great care to wait for some sign of consent with every touch, was absolutely sweet, but nearly drove her crazy, wanting nothing more than to lie on the bed already, skin to skin, pleasuring each other in ways they knew would take them to ecstatic heights.

And then it hit her. Unlike her, who felt exactly like she had before her coma, Leonard couldn't just switch back to ‘normal’ again. After all, he’d just spent two months doing nothing but restrain himself. Two months of hiding, or rather suppressing, his feelings. Two months of being nothing but decent, kind, and considerate. And platonic.

“You can’t get ‘her’ out of your mind, can you?” Jenny asked softly, her heart swelling with tenderness for this gentle man, who’d always do the ‘right thing’.

“You make it sound as if I were cheating on you. Or on ‘her’,” the doctor groaned, sounding unhappy with his apparent inability to relax and just feel comfortable around her again.

“Don’t worry, I won’t make you choose,” Jenny laughed, hoping to lighten the mood a little, then lovingly added, “I think it’s sweet of you, really. You’ve been amazing through all this time, being there for me and loving me without putting any pressure on me. You didn’t know if I’d ever be the same again, so you just went and fell in love with this other me. Which I really, really think is wonderful, by the way. It’s okay, if you need time to adjust now. I understand. Earlier today, before my memories returned and the shoe was on the other foot, you were giving me all the time in the world, too.”

“Perceptive as ever,” McCoy smiled, gently brushing her hair back and pressing a tender kiss on her lips, obviously grateful that she’d caught on to his dilemma.

But when she couldn't help but kiss him back hungrily, Jenny could already feel his reserve dissolving, as he let himself be guided towards the sleeping area willingly. And when the doctor sank down on the bed, their lips never parting as he lay on his back, pulling her on top of him, she let her hand slowly trail down his body below his waistline, touching him in ways she knew would make him give up all self-restraint. 

And sure enough, with her lips following her hand and gently kissing their way down south, she soon had the doctor forget all about taking it slow.


	49. Chapter 49

Having spent the better part of the night in intimate bliss, Hope and McCoy slept long into the next morning. And when the doctor woke up way after the beginning of alpha-shift, finding the love of his life curled up in his arms, still sound asleep, he thought his heart would burst with joy and happiness. All those weeks of enforced celibacy had left them both more than ready for some action. And, boy, had it been wonderful!

He could hardly believe it was true, though, afraid to find himself faced with the next disaster the minute he allowed himself to accept that things were all right again in his world. Like Hope waking up in his bed and once more not knowing who he – or even she – was, for example. A cruel, and very uncomfortable thought.

When she’d come around after her short, but deep sleep, and had immediately started to talk about tampering with the alarm, he’d feared for a second that she didn’t remember the past few weeks anymore, scared to think what else might be missing from her memory this time. But when it had become obvious that she did remember everything and was just apologising – he might have guessed, of course, that this would be her first concern – there were simply no words to describe how it had felt to see her fully restored again.

McCoy was roused from his musings when Hope started to stir in his arms, stretching languorously and sleepily rolling over to face him, the biggest smile spreading across her face when she became fully aware of where she was and what that meant, thus laying his lingering fears to rest.

“Good morning, love,” he murmured, pulling her practically on top of him and silently vowing never to take a single morning of waking up beside her for granted again.

“Morning, Leonard,” she mumbled, her voice still tinged with sleepiness, running a tired hand through her hair in a vain attempt to tame her adorably tangled mane.

Just being allowed to see her like this again, first thing in the morning, before she transformed herself into the immaculate Starfleet officer, filled the doctor’s heart with utmost delight and gratitude.

 _How am I so blessed?_ was all he could think at that moment.

“Someone looks like they had a mighty good time last night,” Hope grinned, then brushed a tender kiss on the doctor’s lips before resting her head comfortably on his chest.

“I certainly did,” McCoy chuckled, feeling certain areas of his body starting to tingle all over again. “I just hope I wasn’t the only one?”

He’d meant to tease her, but it came out more like a question, really. And sure enough, Hope lifted her head to look at him, sharp eyes searching his face.

“You’re kidding, right?” she finally asked, gazing at him intently, then giggled, “I know that my memory hasn’t been the most reliable as of late, but I’m pretty sure you asked me to keep the noise down several times.”

The doctor had to laugh out loud at that. Hope was right, of course. She’d definitely had fun, too. No doubt about it. It was just that everything had felt different, somehow. In his head, he’d certainly known that things were back to the way they’d been before Hope’s coma, thrilled that he was finally allowed to make love to her again. But his heart had still warned him to be gentle, not to pressure her into anything.

“Quite a convincing argument, I have to admit,” he chuckled, trying to make it sound like he’d only been teasing her after all. “Come to think of it, it’s actually hard to believe that this was the same woman who’d only hours before so diffidently asked me if our relationship included ‘everything’, and if I’d seen her without her clothes yet.”

The tenderness he felt surging through him at the memory nearly blew him away.

“Oh God, I really outed myself as a completely artless and naive child there, didn’t I?” Hope groaned, burying her face in his neck.

“You just let me know that you felt hesitant about getting intimate with me,” McCoy quickly assured her, realising that his attempt at playful banter had backfired, and hoping to make it clear that he hadn’t intended to ridicule her. “And it was the right thing to do, I was glad you did. You know I’d never push you.”

“I know, Leonard,” Hope smiled, thankfully not seeming put out by his thoughtless remark. “That’s why you were so reluctant at first last night, wasn’t it?”

“I wasn’t reluctant,” he corrected her, “I just needed to be absolutely sure that you were ready.”

“You really loved her, didn’t you?” she asked quietly.

“Loved who?” McCoy returned, confused.

“ _Her._ The other _me_ ,” Hope explained softly.

“Of course I did! I’d love every version of you! Always!” the doctor exclaimed, needing her to understand that there was nothing, absolutely nothing, that could keep him from loving her. “But why do you keep talking of ‘her’ as if she were a completely different person? I love _you_! Simple as that.”

“Because I’ve _been_ ‘her’, and now I’m not, but I can still feel what she felt,” Hope tried to explain, getting all worked up. “You have no idea how deep her infatuation with you was. And I only called it that because I didn’t know any better. How could I have known that what felt like love, really _was_ love. You were so wonderful with her. With me. So kind, and gentle, and understanding. And now, it’s like we’ve only just fallen in love, and yet, have loved each other forever. Oh, it’s so hard to explain. It’s really weird.”

“I think I get it,” McCoy said soothingly, wrapping his arms more tightly around her, “but you need to know that every version of you is adorable, that you were the exactly same, wonderful woman yesterday that you are today.”

“Thank you, Leonard,” Hope sighed, nestling comfortably into his embrace. “I might be a bit of a mess right now, but I’m still delighted to have my memories back. All the wonderful things, the amazing experiences we shared. To think I could have gone through life without even knowing what I was missing…”

“You know, I’d happily have told you all about us again,” the doctor smiled, already knowing exactly what she was going to say next.

“You can still do that, I wouldn’t mind,” Hope replied, sighing contentedly.

“I knew you’d say that,” he chucked fondly. “And I love how you never cease to enjoy hearing and talking about our wonderful history. But I get what you mean. Even I have to sort of get used to having your ‘old self’ around again. Not having to choose every word carefully or keep from touching you anymore.”

“I can’t get my head around how you even did that,” Hope said, her voice full of wonder and gratitude, as she propped herself up on one elbow to look deeply into his eyes. “You were the perfect gentleman, the perfect friend, and I’m so grateful that you looked so lovingly after me despite the hurt it caused you. You’re nothing short of amazing, Leonard. I love you more than you’ll ever know. And I’m the luckiest woman in the whole universe to be loved by you.”

* * *

Jenny could easily have stayed in bed with the doctor all day. Talking, and cuddling, and indulging in a few other things to reinforce their wonderful relationship. But when McCoy promised they’d come back right after lunch and spend the rest of the afternoon here together, she agreed to a quick bite in the mess.

Apart from the captain, and probably Spock, no one knew about her recovery yet, and she wanted to keep it that way. At least for today. Because everyone would be so happy for her, and she was going to be swamped with questions, whereas all she really wanted right now was to be as close as possible to the doctor, to spend this rare, off-duty day just with him and make the most of it. She could tell the others tomorrow.

Eventually, they ended up taking their trays back to McCoy’s quarters, making themselves comfortable on the couch. Obviously, the doctor didn’t want to risk anyone taking away from their precious afternoon, either.

When McCoy had stared into the distance for some time, his meal growing cold in front of him, Jenny touched a gentle hand to his arm.

“Penny for them?” she asked softly, smiling when she saw the corners of his lips curl up in a self-conscious grin.

“It only just hit me that I, of all people, got the girl,” the doctor chuckled bemusedly, turning his head to gaze at her with warm eyes. “And not just once, but _twice_!”

When Jenny just looked at him blankly, guessing that the girl in question was her, but not quite sure where this was going, he elaborated, shaking his head in disbelief, “I’m just not used to getting the girl.”

Jenny still failed to see what he was on about.

“You see, it’s always been Jim they went after. Or Chekov. Or even Spock, bless those unhappy souls,” McCoy laughed, winking at her, “But me? Sure, they might have _liked_ me, they might have found me charming, or comforting, or whatever, might even have wanted to go on a date with me, but…”

His voice trailed off, obviously remembering who he was talking to, but Jenny didn’t even flinch. She was used to him speaking his mind. And confident enough in their love to appreciate and even enjoy his honesty and candour. She liked that, apart from being lovers, they were also best friends, and had been flattered when he’d once told her that ‘talking to her was as easy as talking to Jim’.

“But at the end of the day, I was always too boring. Just not interesting enough,” the doctor finished lamely, grinning wryly at her. “So, what I actually meant to say is that I feel like pinching myself to make sure I’m not dreaming.”

“But you’re kind, and generous, and caring …” Jenny listed, annoyed that he was giving himself so little credit.

“Yep, boring, just as I said,” he chuckled.

“… and funny, and knowledgeable, and so good at what you do,” she continued, casting him an exasperated look.

“Boring!” McCoy exclaimed, seeming to actually enjoy this silly conversation.

“I just don’t see how any woman could not fancy you,” Jenny sighed, getting the feeling that he was really in need of a little reassurance there.

Leonard was such a sweet and desirable man, and she desperately needed him to get a more positive and, most of all, more realistic image of himself.

“Could not _what_?” the doctor asked, raising a quizzical eyebrow.

“Fancy you!” she laughed.

“What does that mean?” he chuckled, shaking his head. “I’ve heard of fancy dress, as in costumes?”

Jenny snorted.

“Oh, am I using an outdated expression again? Well, in my time, the dark ages that is, I would have said that I fancy the pants off you!”

She giggled again, and McCoy had to laugh, too.

“That sounds … intriguing! But seriously, I’ve never been a “ladies’ man”, like Jim, for example.”

“And maybe that’s exactly what makes you so attractive to me,” Jenny interjected softly, smiling at his handsome face.

“You think?” the doctor tilted his head, his eyes challenging her. “Then you’re probably also attracted to me because I’m not a hero, not as courageous as Jim or the others?”

That seriously ticked her off, especially since Jenny got the impression that he wasn’t entirely messing around anymore.

“Now you’re making me angry, Leonard,” she snapped, sitting bolt upright and throwing him an exasperated look. “You’re as much of a hero as any of them. Even more so, I’d say. Only, you’re not so ostentatious about it. You’re a quiet, humble hero. Don’t get me wrong, the captain, Spock, Scotty, Sulu, Chekov, they’re all heroes in their own right. And I admire them greatly. But they crave the glory of it. Whereas for you, the knowledge of having saved yet another life is reward enough. You don’t expect praise or admiration. You consider it your duty and your calling.”

McCoy was staring at her, looking rather taken aback by her outburst. Maybe he _had_ only been joking after all.

 _Never mind_ , Jenny thought, _in for a penny, in for a pound. Even if he doesn’t expect it, he sure deserves a little praise now and then._

“You make the people around you feel safe,” she ploughed on, determined to prove to him just what a hero he really was. “Not just me, but everyone. You’re the reason why the captain and the others can be heroes in the first place. It’s easy to be courageous, when there’s someone you trust to patch you up again, physically as well as emotionally, no matter what you get yourself into.”

Jenny’s voice and face softened, when she saw the doctor’s eyes grow moist, deeply touched by her words. Moved that someone should look behind his “just and old country doctor” façade and appreciate what he did, day-in, day-out, quietly in the line of duty. She was glad that she’d taken the opportunity to remind him of what a remarkable man he really was. Leonard was such a modest soul, he needed reminding from time to time.

“And as to your not being courageous, that’s plainly ridiculous,” she added softly, leaning towards him and starting to trail little kisses from his ear down to his chin, making him shiver.

“Poppycock! It’s a well-known fact that I’m wary of transporters and more than a little scared of deep water,” he murmured, turning his head slightly so that she could continue her trail of kisses on his other cheek.

“So what?” Jenny asked, keeping her lips close to his face and enjoying to feel him quiver with pleasure. “I’m afraid of heights.”

McCoy pulled back to look at her in surprise. Apparently, she’d never mentioned this to him before.

“Anyway,” she went on, “there’s no courage in doing things you’re not afraid of, is there? Take the captain, for example. He’s so sure of his own immortality, he doesn’t think twice before doing whatever he does. And besides, he knows that you always have his back and trusts you to fix any damage he inflicts on himself. Which you regularly do. And we all know, of course, that you’d transport the longest distances or jump into deep water unthinkingly to save his – or anyone’s – life. Now that’s what I call courageous!” 

“Thank you, love, for believing in me like you do,” McCoy murmured, his voice thick with emotion, and his eyes shining with love and tenderness. And desire. “I’m glad that you’re not craving excitement like most women I’ve met, who are drawn towards more adventurous and mysterious, or even dangerous men.”

“What’s wrong with loving a solid and dependable man in whose arms I feel safe and cared for?” Jenny asked defiantly, almost offended by his last words.

“Nothing’s wrong with that,” the doctor said quietly, gathering her in a tight embrace. “Nothing at all.”

“Maybe I’ve had enough excitement to last me more than a lifetime already,” Jenny mumbled into McCoy’s chest, the irony of her words not lost on both of them. “Or maybe I just find _you_ exciting!”

She felt him smiling against her hair, as he pulled her onto his lap to let her feel just how excited _he_ was.

“Or maybe I’m just a boring girl myself,” she laughed, pressing up against him a little. “But I can easily live with that, because I most certainly didn’t feel bored last night.”

“You’re anything but,” the doctor chuckled softly, “and you know it. The bottom line being that I’m a hell of a lucky fellow.”

“Then take it from me that you’re anything but boring yourself,” Jenny smiled, affectionately touching her forehead to his. “You’re the most interesting, brilliant, and awesome man I’ve ever met. Across the centuries.”

The rest of what she was about to say was lost in a passionate kiss, as McCoy’s tender hands started to roam all over her body, gently easing her down on the couch, and Jenny closed her eyes in eager anticipation of the pleasures awaiting her, happily surrendering to the doctor’s loving ministrations. Oh yes, she could definitely get used to his kind of boring.


	50. Chapter 50

The next day, Jenny surprised her friends with the good news, and was once again deeply touched to see how concerned they’d all been, and how happy they were for her now. She really couldn't be grateful enough for this wonderful second chance at life that fate had granted her. The 23rd century was definitely a good place to be, even more so, when one was lucky enough to be a crewmember of the _Enterprise_.

The most articulate about their joy of finding Jenny’s memory restored again were, of course, Uhura and Chekov, and Jenny’s heart melted when she saw the genuine delight in Pavel’s eyes, even though he undoubtedly knew it also meant that they were back to their brotherly/sisterly relationship. At least as far as Jenny was concerned. That was another conversation she really needed to have.

Uhura and Chapel immediately started preparations for a party they announced was in order, and for which Kirk was more than happy to give permission. However, Nyota had obviously been working on some ‘secret project’, a surprise for Jenny, with Spock for some time now, and was adamant that the party couldn't kick off until that was finished.

Alas, as it turned out, that party had to be delayed even further, since only two days later, the _Enterprise_ received news that crushed all desire to celebrate.

* * *

Jenny was in the middle of presenting her newest updates of the universal translator’s programming to the senior officers in the briefing room, when the distress call came through. A civil war had got completely out of control on _Iridis_ , an old Earth colony that had resigned membership of the Federation decades ago in order to be completely independent.

Since then, it seemed, the planet had become a sanctuary for all kinds of outlaws, and the Iridian government was currently faced with a group of ruthless rebels, who made outrageous demands and didn’t shy back from dastardly attacking civilians, more precisely children, selectively bombing schools and children’s hospitals, creating wide-range radioactive contamination, and generally wreaking havoc on the peaceful part of the population.

Everybody in the briefing room watched with horror, as children were running for their lives, screaming and crying, parents were desperately searching ruins for survivors, and paramedics and doctors in ineffective make-shift radiation suits were frantically working to get as many people out alive as possible. The air in the area was thick with smoke and soot, and, judging from the way unprotected people coughed and heaved, also acidic and heavily polluted by who knew what.

Kirk took a look around the briefing room. McCoy’s face had gone grey, and he was watching motionlessly, his fists tightly clenched with impotent rage. Although calm and professional when working under pressure, Kirk knew that his friend took everything to heart and mourned the loss of every single life, this being innocent children making it even worse.

When he was in the middle of disaster, Bones’ training to focus completely on the tasks at hand kept him from breaking down in horror. Even Spock had more than once expressed admiration for the highly emotional doctor’s ability to be absolutely organised, logical and unemotional when his profession and oath required it.

But the captain knew only too well that the terror of such situations always caught up with Bones afterwards, McCoy usually dealing with it by closing himself off from his friends and colleagues, and grieving in private for several days.

Uhura and Scotty had paled, too, and were sitting close together, arms touching, as if leaning on each other for support. Hope had tears streaming down her face, and unthinkingly moved closer to McCoy, gripping his arm in terror, and the doctor reflexively put a comforting arm around her shoulders. 

Kirk and Jenny exchanged glances. They both knew that McCoy would want to go there. Would _have_ to go there. And they both worried about him even before he’d said it out loud.

The captain knew that he was not authorised to send members of his crew into the contaminated area to help. No matter how much they might want to, they could not meddle in the affairs of a non-federation-member planet. Not unless they specifically asked for help. Which they hadn’t.

Unfortunately, the distress call hadn’t come through official channels, but only from a minority party hoping to at least draw unofficial attention to the horrific situation on their planet and their need for assistance.

But Kirk also knew that McCoy took his oath very seriously, and that he’d have to let him go. Contrary to the _Enterprise’s_ orders of non-interference, Bones, as a doctor, was obligated to react to any distress call, no matter how unofficial.

“I need to get there as quickly as possible, Jim,” McCoy said hoarsely as soon as the transmission had ended.

It wasn’t a request for permission, it was a statement, and Kirk unhappily shrugged his shoulders.

“Of course, Bones,” he said quietly, then called the bridge, “Chekov, set a course for _Iridis_ , Sulu get us there on maximum speed! How long till we get there?”

“Aye, Sir,” Chekov and Sulu responded in unison, and Sulu added, “16 hours until orbit at warp eight, Sir.”

“Thank you, Kirk out,” the captain said, and turning towards McCoy sighed, “Go get everything you need ready and then try to rest up until we get there, Bones. Anything I can do? I’m sure we’d find enough volunteers who’d want to come with you.”

“No, Jim,” McCoy shook his head, “it’ll have to be just me. You know the rules. There’s too much unknown pollution, radiation, toxins, and who knows what kinds of diseases down there. The risk’s too high, they’re not part of the Federation.”

“If you’re going, I’m going, too!” Jenny blurted out before the realisation that she was way out of line hit her.

Everyone in the room stared at her.

“You’re most certainly not going, Hope,” McCoy said authoritatively.

“But I could help with communications and coordination, and I have some medical experience, after all!” 

“I said no, and that’s that,” the doctor snapped. “And now I’ve got work to do.”

* * *

After McCoy had stomped out of the briefing room, Jenny lingered behind while Uhura and Scotty quietly gathered up their things and left, too.

“Was there anything else, Hope?” Kirk asked mildly, fully understanding her concern and wish to go with McCoy.

“Captain,” she began slowly, and he knew right away what she was going to say. “I really need to go with him.” 

“You heard what the doctor said, Lieutenant.” 

“I did. But Captain,” she raised pleading eyes to his, “apart from the children on _Iridis_ needing all the help they can get, do you really want him to go alone? He’ll need someone to remind him to eat and sleep, you know how he is.”

Kirk knew only too well. 

“But I can’t send anyone, Hope. My hands are tied. _Iridis_ is not a member of the Federation, and the radiation level is far too dangerous.” 

“You wouldn’t have to send me, Captain,” Jenny was quick to assure him. “I’m asking you for leave and will accept all consequences, should they arise.”

Looking at her long and hard, Kirk eventually nodded. He couldn't deny feeling a little better knowing that Bones wouldn’t be all alone.

* * *

  
Relieved to have the captain’s permission, but at the same time dreading Leonard’s reaction, Jenny went straight to sickbay to tell McCoy and help him with the preparations. Unsurprisingly, he was livid and angrily dragged her into his office, shutting the door behind them.

“What were you even thinking, going against a direct order from me?” he hissed.

“You’re not my immediate superior, I don’t work in your department anymore. And you’ll need every help you can get down there,” Jenny stood her ground despite feeling extremely uncomfortable in the face of McCoy’s unbridled fury.

“What I need,” he thundered, “is for you to be safe up here. To know that you’re well, and not have to worry about you on top of everything. I’ll need to focus down there, I won’t have time to look after you.”

“And you won’t have to,” she said defiantly. “I’m an adult, Leonard, a Starfleet officer. I can take care of myself.”

“Jesus, can’t you see?” he raged, blue eyes blazing and boring into hers. “I’ve only just got you back, I can’t lose you again!”

That struck home, and Jenny stepped closer, putting a soothing hand on his arm. But the doctor shrugged her off angrily, turned on his heel, and left her standing there in his office, crestfallen. 

He continued with his preparations, stubbornly ignoring her, and when he’d finished getting everything ready, she followed him to his quarters.

“Don’t give me the silent treatment, Leonard, please,” she begged as soon as the doors had swooshed shut behind her, barely able to hold back the tears.

McCoy still didn’t look at her, but he didn’t ask her to leave, either, which left Jenny hopeful.

“When we were watching that message,” she went on, trusting that the doctor was listening as attentively as he always was, despite pretending he didn’t hear her, “I instantly knew that you’d go. And even though I’m far from all right with it, I accepted it. Because it’s what you do, who you are. But did you even stop to think about how I’d feel about you going? Did you stop to think what losing you would do to me? Do you _ever_ think about how I feel when you go on dangerous missions? My fears, my worries? You’ve never even considered them, have you? You don’t have a monopoly on worrying, you know!” 

Jenny was angry now, too, and had talked herself into a rage. Until she saw the lonely tear running down McCoy’s cheek and felt her heart clench. 

“I’m sorry, Jenny,” he said quietly, “of course, I realise that you worry about me, too, and even though I’m a doctor and don’t really have a choice, I certainly should have talked to you before making this decision.”

 _He’s right, of course_ , Jenny thought contritely, _I’ve known from the start that Leonard’s a doctor, and a very dedicated one to boot, bound to get into situations like this._

But before she could tell him she was sorry, too, he sadly asked, “How could you go behind my back? You should have known that I had my reasons for not wanting you to come, and you should have respected them.”

* * *

McCoy lay down heavily on his bed, staring at the ceiling, avoiding Hope’s eyes. 

“It’s not just that it’s dangerous, Jenny,” he sighed. “You have no idea what awaits you down there. I’ve been there before, but you don’t have any experience with the horrors of something like this. And I’m glad you don’t.”

He turned his head to finally meet her eye, Hope’s sweet, determined face only adding to his anguish, as he’d known it would.

“It’s war down there, love,” the doctor went on dejectedly. “Dirty, cowardly, ruthless. Death, and suffering, and devastation on a scale you couldn't even imagine. I can’t let you go through with this. It would break you. Change you forever.” 

The very idea of Hope trapped in the midst of such horrific atrocities, her tender, pure soul having to witness such cruelty and mindless devastation, was unbearable for McCoy and just broke his heart. 

“All I ever wanted since I first laid eyes on you was to hold you safely in my arms and protect you against all the cruel things in life,” he whispered. 

“I know,” she replied softly, all the fight gone out of her, “and I’ve always felt safe with you.”

Hope sat down on the edge of the bed, reaching for the doctor’s hand and lovingly threading her fingers through his, as she gently continued, “But no one can be protected from living their life, Leonard. You need to let me make my own choices.”

McCoy didn’t answer, his gaze locked on their intertwined fingers, knowing in his heart that she was right, of course, yet unable to ignore how small and fragile Hope’s hand felt in his. 

“And there was a first time for you, too,” she went on, and he could feel her appraising eyes on his face. 

“Of course,” he admitted grudgingly, “but that’s different. I’m a doctor, I signed up for this.”

Hope smiled at him pensively. 

“How did it change you?” she finally asked. “You still believe in right and wrong, you’re still the warmest, kindest, most caring man I know. What were you like before? Less sarcastic maybe?” 

McCoy couldn't help chuckling at that. How did she always do this? Fill his heart with light and warmth even when moments before there had been nothing but darkness and trepidation. 

“Probably not,” he smiled. “But I was certainly less bitter, less disappointed with life. There’s no true carefreeness anymore, once you’ve been thoroughly disillusioned.” 

“You mean it made you grow up?” 

The doctor stared at her thoughtfully. What a typical Hope-comment. And, as always of course, she had a point.

* * *

  
Jenny could see the change in McCoy’s expression and knew that he was coming around to her point of view. Lying down beside him, she propped herself up on one elbow and gazed deeply into his eyes. 

“Will you still love me when I’m broken and changed?” she asked softly. 

The doctor swallowed hard and tenderly took her face between his hands.

“I’ll always love you,” he murmured, pressing the gentlest kiss on her lips. 

“Then I’ll be alright,” she smiled and let her head sink onto his chest, curling up against him and letting him hold her tight. “Let’s get some sleep.”


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. Unfortunately, RL doesn't leave me a lot of time for Hope and McCoy these days, but family and work, of course, always come first. So please bear with me. Thanks!

As soon as the _Enterprise_ had taken up orbit around _Iridis_ , Hope and McCoy beamed down to the governmental emergency camp, far enough away from the battle zone to be safe from radiation. The doctor had brought as many relevant medical supplies and tools as he’d been able to justify taking from the _Enterprise_ , which the Iridians gratefully accepted. With time being of the essence, Hope and McCoy were promptly briefed on the current situation and handed their protection suits, before being transported to the most recent bomb site.

McCoy didn’t see much of Hope after that, him being put in charge of the main surgical team, and her being recruited for the search and rescue team. With all that was going on amidst the chaos and devastation, the doctor had his hands full from the moment they arrived, and there was simply no time to worry about her. He was still relieved, though, when, a few hours later, he caught a brief glimpse of her, immediately recognising her in her slightly too big protection suit as she tenderly cradled a dying child in her arms, the heart-breaking image forever etched into his mind and his soul. 

When he saw Hope again, almost twenty hours later, after having been decontaminated and transported back to the camp for the compulsory rest period, she was grey-faced and shaking with horror and fatigue. And when she looked at him as if challenging him to say, ‘I told you so’, he just wordlessly took her in his arms, holding her tight as they both silently wept for the innocent victims of this obnoxious war. 

They still didn’t speak as they made their way to their allocated ‘sleeping cubicle’, grabbing a couple of nutrition bars and water bottles on the way, and, completely shattered, fell on a bunk, not even considering separate beds for the few hours of sleep.

“Talk to me, love,” McCoy said softly, cradling Hope’s trembling body in his arms and taking her hand in his, remembering all the missions where he’d held her hand to go to sleep, which seemed like a lifetime ago. 

“I’m fine, Leonard, go to sleep,” Hope mumbled tiredly, her words slurred from exhaustion. 

“No, you’re not,” the doctor insisted, pained by her obvious distress and trying to fight his own fatigue. “You need to talk about this, love. Don’t bottle it up, please!” 

“And you need to sleep. We both do,” was her short reply, her voice quivering in time with her body.

“There’s no satisfaction in having been right, you know,” the doctor murmured softly, his heart breaking as he pulled her closer against his chest. “You don’t have to pretend you’re not shocked to the core. When I said this would break you and I wouldn’t have time to look after of you, I didn’t mean I wouldn’t be there for you. That you couldn’t let me see how it affects you.” 

“I’m so sorry, Leonard,” Hope burst out, clinging to him tightly, her voice choked with anguish. “You were right. I didn’t have the faintest idea how terrible it would be. You just wanted to protect me. Like you always do. But I’m not sorry I came. How could I not have come? Even if it only makes the slightest difference.” 

“I’m sorry, too,” McCoy said quietly, caressing her back and resting his cheek against the top of her head. “But I’m also glad you came. We do whatever we can to save as many kids as possible, and yet, it’s still too little too late for so many of them. But if your being here means that even just one child is found that wouldn’t have been found otherwise, or that at least some of the kids who are beyond saving don’t have to die alone but in someone’s loving arms instead, it makes a huge difference.” 

The doctor’s voice broke and angry, desperate tears started streaming down his face.

“We’ll get through this together, love,” he whispered. “I’m really grateful you’re here. I need you by my side.” 

They both fell silent, just holding each other tightly and drawing comfort from the other’s presence.

 _Exactly as it should be_ _,_ Jenny thought lovingly, before falling into a deep, dreamless sleep.

* * *

The next day was a repeat of the first, and so was the day after that, leaving Jenny and McCoy ever more exhausted and frustrated.

 _Enough!_ Jenny thought, fighting against her growing lethargy and hopelessness. _Something has to be done. We’re Starfleet officers, for heaven’s sake! We have the power, and the responsibility, to change things!_

McCoy was up to his neck in fighting to save lives, so finding a solution on a grander scale was left to her. She’d have to find a way to convince the Iridians of re-joining the Federation. Or at least ask for their help. Besides, the _Enterprise_ couldn't stay in orbit around _Iridis_ forever, in fact, three days were about the maximum Kirk could justify. After that, he’d have to take the ship away and leave her and the doctor stranded here for the time being.

But having the _Enterprise_ of all starships at their disposal was the best thing that could have happened to the Iridians, Jenny realised. They should really take advantage of that. She had to make them see reason.

So, Jenny contacted the captain, told him of her plan, and was grateful to get both his and Spock’s valuable advice on how best to proceed. Spock provided her with all the data she needed, and told her who to try and contact, while Kirk coached her on what to say and how best to go about persuading the Iridians to officially request the Federation’s assistance.

Jenny didn’t discuss any of this with McCoy. Before falling asleep, she just told him that she’d been talking to Kirk and would be meeting some Iridian officials the next day, which he acknowledged with a tired grunt but didn’t question any further. He was totally focused on the medical side of things, as he should be, and really needed all the sleep he could get.

Witnessing Leonard’s utter devotion to his job as a healer never failed to melt Jenny’s heart and remind her of how much she loved him. And seeing the tiny sparks of joy for every life he’d saved shine through his general air of despair at not being able to stop all the horror and devastation around them, reassured her that he was still a long way from giving up or breaking down.

* * *

Kirk had been relieved to hear from Hope, and was very supportive, if a little doubtful, of her plan to get the Iridian government to consider re-joining the Federation. The condensed version she’d given them of the situation she and McCoy were finding themselves in had been enough to make the captain’s hair stand on end, and he’d been more than happy to share his thoughts on how best to approach the Iridian officials, promising to stand by in case the Iridians wanted to negotiate.

So, knowing Hope, Kirk wasn’t completely surprised when he and Spock were asked to beam down to meet with the Iridian government early the next afternoon. His head of linguistics was certainly a force to be reckoned with, he thought proudly, feeling sorry for anyone who’d underestimate Hope because of her youth or delicate appearance.

Obviously, Hope had got the government officials to agree that being part of the Federation, even if it meant an infringement on their ‘absolute freedom’, was preferable to being all alone and vulnerable, exposed to ruthless attacks like the one they were currently experiencing.

Her reasoning was almost instantly proven right, when even just the news of Kirk’s visit to the government and the _Enterprise’s_ presence in orbit led to an immediate cessation of hostilities. The cowardly rebels apparently didn’t want to take on the Federation. And Captain Kirk was quite obviously a man whom a certain reputation preceded. The stories of his many victories over hostile aggressors were well known all around the galaxy.

Unfortunately, with the _Enterprise_ now officially in the picture, one of the rebel leaders had acted fast and successfully fled _Iridis_ , but Kirk was confident that he wouldn’t get far. His identity was known, and, being one of the most wanted criminals of the galaxy already, it was only a matter of time until he’d be apprehended.

As for the second leader and the co-conspirators, the captain got word of them having turned themselves in before he’d even left the negotiating table. Satisfied with the outcome of his talks with the Iridian government, and immensely happy to know that Bones was finally out of danger again, Kirk requested to wait for his friend’s return at the emergency camp to give him the good news in person. And to reassure himself that the doctor was – at least physically – unharmed.

* * *

When McCoy returned to the camp after yet another horrible day knee deep in severely injured patients, most of them children, he was too exhausted to even feel the rage that usually claimed him as soon as his thoughts weren’t fully focused on his job anymore. But when he spotted Jim waiting for him, his heart almost stopped, immediately thinking that his friend was here because something terrible had happened to Hope.

It took his weary eyes and mind a few moments to take in Kirk’s beaming smile, suggesting that the captain had quite obviously come bearing good news, whatever they were, and his legs almost gave out with the sheer relief of that realisation. Jim had to reach out and steady him, his wide grin giving way to a worried frown at the doctor’s dizzy spell, but McCoy quickly waved his concerns away, sitting down in the nearest chair and gruffly demanding to know what Kirk was doing here.

One of the other doctors, who’d just returned with him, handed him a bottle of water as well as a bag of nuts, which McCoy gratefully accepted, before settling back and listening intently as Jim explained that the Iridians had finally asked the Federation for help, and that the attacks were over.

The doctor felt a weight being lifted off his shoulders. There would be no more victims, robbed of any future. No more watching innocent kids suffer and die, no more ghastly injuries that he knew, even as he treated them, would never fully heal, no more saving children from death while knowing they’d never be able to lead normal, painless lives again. It was only when Kirk handed him a tissue and patted his shoulder, that he noticed the tears running down his face.

“How did you manage to do that, Jim?” McCoy asked, impressed, as always, by his friend’s unsurpassed resourcefulness and diplomatic skills.

“I didn’t! Your girlfriend did,” Kirk grinned, to the doctor’s surprise, and McCoy’s heart melted at the pride in the captain’s voice and eyes.

Jim went on to tell him the whole story, finishing enthusiastically with, “She made this happen, Bones! She effectively stopped this war. Hope’s a hell of a Starfleet officer, and more than a little manipulative if she sets her mind to it.”

That made McCoy chuckle, knowing exactly how ‘manipulative’ Hope could be. No matter how annoyed he was with her, he simply couldn't stay angry, when she remorsefully fluttered her eyelashes at him. And her puppy-dog looks certainly made it impossible for him to deny her anything. He was just glad Jenny was such a good person and would never take advantage of the power she held over him. At least not where it wasn’t appropriate.

“Really, Bones, Hope is brilliant,” Kirk went on fervently, and the doctor could see that the captain, despite being prone to exaggeration, meant it. “And courageous as hell. She’s definitely going places.”

“I never doubted that,” McCoy smiled, feeling prouder than ever of the woman he was lucky enough to share his life with.

“Good thing you’re such a great team,” the captain continued more quietly, looking straight into McCoy’s eyes, his expression growing serious. “Because she sure isn’t going anywhere without you. She loves you with all her heart, Bones. I hope you know how much she adores and admires you. She asked for leave just to be here with you, and damn the consequences. Did you know that?”

“I guessed as much,” the doctor replied softly, thinking that, of course, he’d known that Jim couldn't actually have sent her, but only just realising the full implications of her decision to come with him.

Kirk must have seen the amazement on McCoy’s face, as he suddenly started to grin and clapped a friendly hand on the doctor’s back.

“You’re one lucky bastard, Bones,” the captain laughed, fondly shaking his head. “And you more than deserve it. Just, please, don’t ever let her go again. Or drive her away because you think she deserves better or something. You were made for each other. Anyone can see that. You bring out each other’s full potential. There have never been two people better suited for a long and happy life together.”

* * *

McCoy and Hope stayed on _Iridis_ for another two days, the doctor refusing to leave before having made sure that every last patient was safe and got the best possible treatment, and Jenny refusing to leave his side.

When they finally returned to the _Enterprise_ , totally worn out but immensely relieved, they went straight to McCoy’s quarters and slept for ten hours straight. By the time they woke up again, it was the middle of the night on the ship.

They knew they should talk. There was certainly a lot to talk about, to help each other cope with everything they’d seen. But they didn’t feel like talking at all. Not just yet. All they wanted in that moment was to feel the warmth and comfort of being alive and together. To make love and forget about everything else.

And that’s exactly what they did. Although not quite the way they usually celebrated their love and enjoyed each other’s bodies. Not hot, not passionate, no teasing, no games. Nothing wild or ecstatic, just slow, and soft, and tender. Quietly, and silently, drawing comfort from each other, finding pleasure in their reassuring closeness rather than in unbridled desire. And once again, in perfect accord with each other on what they wanted and needed.


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you’ve probably guessed by now, I’m as passionate about music and dancing as Hope is. 😊 There’s a lot of music from Hope’s past mentioned in this chapter, and if you’d like to have the ‘soundtrack’, I’ve put together a ‘playlist’ at the end of chapter 52.

Jenny and McCoy resumed their duties the next day. She felt it would do her good to go back to her normal routine, and the doctor supported her suggestion. He insisted, however, that they talk about everything in the evening. Properly and at length. He understood that she didn’t want to dwell all day on the atrocities she’d seen, but was convinced that the quickest way to put the traumatic experience behind them was to actively deal with it instead of letting it fester at the back of their minds.

So they talked, and cried, and held each other for half of the next couple of nights, and Jenny had to admit that she really felt lighter with every memory she shared with Leonard. Although she seemed to do a lot more of the sharing than he did. In typical McCoy manner, he’d made it all about her. Yet, she sensed that it was therapy for him just as much as it was for her.

The doctor just couldn't help it, he always needed to be – or at least pretend to be – strong. Strong for her, to make her feel safe and cared for. And she did, for which she loved him. Just as she loved him for the unfailing gentleness with which he coaxed things out of her. But she was also quite aware that it was his coping mechanism as much as anything else. Being strong for others was his very own way of dealing with trauma.

Of course, Jenny knew that Leonard had a lot more experience than she had, that he’d seen horror and devastation like they’d encountered on _Iridis_ before, maybe even worse. But she also knew that it still affected him immensely. Probably just as much as the first time. Hard-bitten and cynical as he liked to present himself to the world, Jenny knew him better. Behind all the talk, underneath all the professionalism, he was the most sensitive and empathetic man imaginable. Another one of the many reasons she loved him so much.

Half a week after their return to the _Enterprise_ , Jenny finally felt positivity starting to fill her soul again. Seeing the beauty of things, feeling optimistic and confident again. And, above all, allowing herself to feel proud of having had a part in ending this atrocious war on _Iridis_. A fact that Kirk and McCoy didn’t hold back on and reminded her several times a day.

“You’re an awesome lady!” currently seemed to be the doctor’s favourite phrase, always delivered with a wondrous shake of his head and eternal love and admiration in his eyes. And even though Jenny knew that Leonard was biased and enjoyed few things more than boosting her confidence, hearing these words of praise from him was still music to her ears.

* * *

During her days of grief and dealing with the aftermath of _Iridis_ , Jenny’s friends had kept a respectful distance, realising that she wasn’t yet ready to sing, or dance, or generally enjoy herself again. But as soon as they noticed her changing back to her old, cheerful self, Uhura practically pounced on her, eager to make that party she’d promised happen.

It had obviously been extremely hard for Nyota to wait that long, but seeing that after what Jenny had been through partying was not the most appropriate thing to do, she’d managed to restrain herself. Now, however, Uhura was adamant to get the party rolling as soon as possible.

“Nothing better to cheer you up than an evening full of music and dancing. Of letting your hair down,” she beamed, and Jenny had to admit that Nyota was right. She could definitely do with a party like that now.

As it turned out, the surprise Uhura and Spock had been working on was a massive compilation of rock, pop, and country songs from the late 1900s. It was an impressive collection of songs, most of which Jenny hadn’t heard since her ‘first life’. How they’d even managed to get their hands on all these tracks was a miracle to her. A miracle which she gave Spock most of the credit for. He was an incredible – and incredibly resourceful – researcher. It must have been nearly impossible, a true labour of love – love for her, in this case, and Jenny deeply appreciated it.

Music had always been an important factor in her life, practically all of her memories, the good ones as well as the bad ones, came with their own ‘soundtrack’. She’d often talked about this with Uhura, who felt very similar about music, and had quite obviously been the driving force behind this project.

Jenny was so overwhelmed when they handed her their gift in form of a record tape, she couldn't stop hugging and kissing Nyota. Or beaming at Spock like a goon, trusting that, the way she knew him by now, he didn’t mind, and even secretly enjoyed her display of overjoyed gratitude.

She was just glad that she’d had the foresight to teach anyone interested a lot of dance moves and styles from that era, and that Chekov, as well as a lot of her friends, knew how to do ‘The Hustle’ or ‘Disco Fox’. Now that she had all those songs at her disposal, this was going to be the party of her life.

Jenny just couldn't wait for evening to come, overwhelmed with joy, anticipation, and a feeling of immense gratitude and love for Uhura and Spock to have put in all those hours just to make her happy. She was truly blessed with her friends. And with the man in her life, who stoically endured her excited babbling and general display of unrestrained exhilaration for hours, the indulgent smile and loving gaze never leaving his face.

* * *

McCoy couldn't get enough of watching Hope dancing and moving to the music, completely lost in the rhythm, as if she didn’t have a care in the world. Sitting next to Jim and Scotty, nursing a drink, he was immensely glad to see her in such high spirits again.

Only someone who’d seen similar horror could understand how an experience like _Iridis_ affected your whole being, invading every waking thought the moment you stopped focusing on your job or some other urgent matter, and even following you into your dreams. Of course, the doctor hadn’t told Hope that, no matter how often you saw horrors like these, you never got used to them.

When she’d arranged to come with him, he’d been so scared that her gentle, innocent soul would take permanent damage, but he’d once again underestimated Hope’s strength. Yes, she’d been upset, shocked, horrified by the whole experience, but by taking action and helping to end the terror, she’d turned it into something meaningful, something she could live with and even be proud of. He certainly was.

Looking at her now, McCoy couldn't remember ever seeing her happier. Or more hyped up. His heart was soaring just watching her. She’d always been an incredible dancer, but tonight, every song seemed to have its own choreography. And it probably had, since these were all _her_ songs. Songs she’d grown up with, and which Spock and Uhura had painstakingly researched and accumulated for her.

Just the memory of Hope’s delighted squeals, when she’d skipped through the list of songs that her friends had surprised her with this afternoon, put a fond smile on the doctor’s face. Uhura hadn’t even tried to hide her excitement over their gift. But McCoy could have sworn that he’d detected delight in Spock's eyes too.

The long list of names, singers and bands most of which the doctor had never heard of, had certainly made Hope’s day, and she’d reverently kept murmuring them to herself, like a mantra, while they’d got ready for the party.

“This is going to be just like one of my high school parties!” Hope had gushed, grinning from ear to ear, her delight contagious. “I can’t believe I’ll be dancing to all those Bryan Adams and Bruce Springsteen songs again. Or to Gloria Gaynor and Michael Jackson. And there’ll be Rod Stewart, Elton John, Phil Collins, too! I’m just glad I taught half the ship how to properly disco dance!”

While they’d got dressed, Hope had kept running to him for kisses, or hugs, or just to beam at him, all the time, her happiness tangible, and McCoy hadn’t been able to take his eyes off her ever since.

Right now, she was dancing, or rather bouncing to ‘I Am What I Am’. He’d never heard the original version until now, but Hope had performed this with the band on several occasions, and he’d always thought the song suited her perfectly. She and Uhura appeared as powerful as the words of the song, their dance moves simply mesmerising to watch.

The next song was ‘I Will Survive’ by the same singer, and McCoy saw Hope almost bubbling over with energy. Another perfect song for her, although – hopefully – not quite in the context of the lyrics. But there was no question that Hope was a true survivor. Even though in her skin-tight jeans, white crop top, flats and ponytail, she looked more like the high school girl she’d mentioned earlier, sweet, young, and vulnerable, making him feel even more protective of her than he usually did.

Thinking of her as a high school girl, McCoy was gripped by another strange feeling. Almost like jealousy. But not of a particular person. More of memories he could never share. A whole _life_ he could never share. A world he could never see. Loving her as he did, he wanted to know everything about her, but that just wasn’t possible. Not that he’d tell her, of course. He wasn’t proud of these jealous feelings only ever she seemed to bring out in him. Although she probably knew him well enough to notice them anyway.

Hope had been dancing for two hours straight already, just taking a short break when someone offered her a drink. He’d never known anyone more energetic than her. Once again, McCoy was reminded of their age difference. It was so obvious. Her energy seemed to be never-ending. And while he was certainly fit for his age, he was clearly no match for Hope’s level of fitness. But then, few people were. He’d probably have had a hard time keeping up with her when he’d actually been her age.

Casting a quick glance at Jim, who was trying to have a conversation with Scotty over the almost deafening music, the doctor took a sip from his drink, his old doubts arising again. Did he really have a right to love her? To want her to spend the rest of her life with him, an old divorcee? To rob her of the chance to find someone her own age, someone as full of energy as she was? Someone with a brilliant career still ahead of them, just like her?

He’d been through this a million times in his head. Had asked himself the same questions over and over again. And the answer was always the same.

_Yes!_

Yes, he had every right. Because, unfathomable and perplexing as it was, he made her happy. He truly did. And she’d told him time and again that they didn’t have to do everything together all of the time. That he didn’t have to come dancing with her if he was tired after a long day. That it was perfectly all right to do separate things. That she didn’t expect them, didn’t even want them to be joined at the hip, as she’d put it.

Unlike his ex-wife, she trusted him completely, and didn’t mind if he couldn't or wouldn’t join her in all her activities. She wasn’t bothered if he did his own thing, disappeared into the depths of a lab, was engrossed in a medical journal or a thrilling history book, or even just met up with friends without her. Quite the contrary, she enjoyed having her own life. And he had to admit that that suited him just fine. Especially on a starship, where everyone seemed to live in one another’s pockets anyway, it was actually quite nice to have something interesting to tell each other in the evenings.

The music was quietening down a little, McCoy noticed, as the lights, which had been dimmed all evening, started to fade even more. Not in volume, unfortunately, but the next song was definitely slower.

‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You’ was sounding from the speakers, and Hope’s gaze met his, the undisguised love in her eyes almost taking his breath away. Trust her to immediately look at him, when the lyrics of a song ‘demanded’ it. And, boy, that song was beautiful, the words going straight to his heart. And to other parts of his body, too. He certainly couldn't take his eyes off her. And she was definitely ‘too good to be true’ as well as ‘heaven to touch’.

The two of them stared into each other’s eyes across the dimly lit space, and the doctor’s heart just melted knowing that Hope had eyes only for him, even when she was dancing with someone else.

“Very subtle Bones!” Jim’s voice suddenly rang in his ear, as the captain shouted over the hubbub, breaking the spell and reminding him that his relationship with Hope was actually still a secret.

McCoy quickly looked away, and straight into Kirk’s grinning face.

“Not sure, you’re actually still fooling anyone, but if you keep staring at her like that, you might as well make a ship-wide announcement,” the captain laughed, then smilingly shook his head when Scotty asked him to repeat what he’d just said, because he hadn’t been able to hear him over the din, as he called it.

The doctor snorted into his glass, then asked Scotty why he wasn’t on the dancefloor, only to be completely taken aback when the chief of engineering put down his glass, shrugged, and got up, heading straight over to Hope, asking her to dance.

McCoy felt annoyingly miffed, watching Scotty’s arms wrap around Hope’s waist, only to be immediately mollified when she grinned at him over the engineer’s shoulder, motioning for him to listen to the song, which was obviously another favourite of hers.

‘Making Love Out of Nothing at All’. Oh, yes, Hope could certainly do that. ‘I know just where to touch you’. God, had she just winked at him? Of course, she had, the little minx. And she knew exactly what she was doing to him.

Scotty’s stunt at dancing lasted only one song before one of his young ensigns from engineering took over, the music turning even slower. 

The sound of ‘Have I Told You Lately That I Love You?’ filled the whole deck, sending thrilling shivers down McCoy’s spine, and he was helpless to keep his eyes from meeting Hope’s again. Gazing deeply into each other’s eyes, the doctor didn’t even mind when he saw the ensign pulling her closer. Not much, anyway.

‘Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness, ease my troubles, that’s what you do.’ He couldn't have put it better himself.

 _Thank you, Mr. Stewart, for writing a song about Hope and me_ , McCoy thought, feeling all soft and mellow inside.

Chekov took over from the other ensign, and the doctor saw a teasing smirk appear on Hope’s face as the first bars of the next song rang out, her eyes sparkling with mischief as she winked at him again. ‘Hey little girl is you daddy home?’ were the first words of the song, and he looked at her with mock irritation for poking fun at him like that. Really? Dancing with young Chekov to that song and teasing him about it? As if he weren’t feeling old enough already.

 _I sure am on fire, missy_ , McCoy thought, echoing the chorus of the song. _And I’m so going to prove it to you tonight._

‘Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You’ was next, and as the song progressed, it seemed to him that Chekov was holding Hope just a tad too tight. And that kind of bothered him. A little. But the doctor found that he also felt a bit sorry for Chekov. It wasn’t his fault that he was so in love with Jenny. In fact, McCoy couldn't imagine anyone not being in love with her. Was the poor guy actually still hoping? Probably.

Hope threw the doctor a meaningful look when the next song started, urging him to listen to the lyrics of ‘I Want to Know What Love Is’. And he did. She knew him so well. Those were his exact feelings. A bit like the story of his life. A lonely life, in a way, despite all his friends, until he’d met her. There’d definitely been heartache and pain in his life, too. And now love had found him. _Hope_ had found him.

Unable to contain his feelings any longer, McCoy got up and started towards the dancefloor. It was his turn to dance with her now. He needed to feel her close. And clearly seeing the infatuation on Chekov’s face, he was probably doing the young man a favour, too. Better bring him back to reality now, before he really had his heart broken.

The doctor knew that Hope had talked to Chekov about her feelings. Or non-feelings. And that she thought Pavel had understood and accepted the way things were between them. She just didn’t get that there was a huge gap between knowing and feeling. Only another man in love with her could really understand that giving up hope, or Hope, was simply impossible, and Chekov needed to be regularly reminded that he couldn't have her. Anything else would be cruel, even though Hope certainly didn’t mean to be.

However, just before McCoy could reach out to tap Chekov on the shoulder, this Michael Jackson guy and some other fellow started to sing ‘The Girl Is Mine’, stopping the doctor in his tracks, feeling ridiculous to claim Hope for exactly this dance. Looking at him from where she was still tightly ensconced in Chekov’s arms, Hope, of course, immediately caught on to his dilemma and started to giggle, just the sight of her happy, amused face instantly lifting his heart.

McCoy waited well into the next song, before finally taking over from Chekov. It hadn’t even been three hours since he’d last kissed Hope in his quarters, but it felt like an eternity to him. Talk about doing their own thing and not being joined at the hip. If he thought he could actually stay away from Hope for a serious amount of time, he was surely deceiving himself.

After she’d let go of Chekov, thanking him and turning towards McCoy, feeling her slide into his arms with such natural ease, made him feel as if he were floating. As if he’d been holding his breath for the longest time, and was finally able to breathe easy again.

‘Just the Way You Are’, another beautiful song. He certainly wouldn’t want Hope to change in any way. She was perfect. And what’s more, she loved him just the way he was, too. A fact that would never cease to amaze him.

“Billy Joel sure knows what he’s talking about,” Hope smiled, looking up at him and comfortably snuggling closer as they slowly moved to the music.

McCoy was suddenly feeling rather self-conscious. They’d never before been this kind of intimate in front of others, and he felt all eyes on them. Although he was probably just imagining it. But, almost drowning in Hope’s eyes, so beautiful, so full of love, he found that somehow, he didn’t even really care if they were the centre of attention.

The song morphed into another. ‘Can’t Fight This Feeling’. The doctor couldn't help chuckling to himself, when he found it another perfectly fitting song. Could this be coincidence? Spock of all people had volunteered to play DJ when Hope had announced that a DJ was absolutely necessary for this kind of party. Could Spock be doing this on purpose? To provoke him into something? Farfetched as it seemed, he wouldn’t put it past his Vulcan friend, who might be subtler than Jim, but was certainly no less of a meddler.

The next song was one McCoy knew well, and possibly Hope’s favourite country song of all times.

 _‘Amazed’, exactly what I am by her_ , the doctor thought lovingly, the familiar words seeming truer than ever. _I couldn't express my feelings for her any better._

Unthinkingly, he pulled her even closer, moving like in a trance, completely losing himself in her. Everybody around them seemed to fade away, until it was just the two of them. Her head resting against his chest, her arms around his neck, he held her so tight, he was afraid he’d squash her. Burying his face in her hair, eyes closed and breathing in her familiar scent, he thought he’d never wanted her more than he did at that very moment.

And just as he thought his heart would burst with love and desire, the first chords of another song he knew rang out. A classic, and definitely one of his own favourites. At least since he’d known Hope, who had performed it so many times. ‘To Make You Feel My Love’.

Hearing this song now, McCoy lost all sense of where he was, slowly moving, swaying to the rhythm, touching, inhaling, drinking in Hope, who was looking up at him now, her soulful eyes telling him how much she loved him, too. And before he knew what he was doing, just before the end of the song, his lips found hers to kiss her tenderly, hungrily, right there in front of everyone.

He heard people cheering and even applauding all around them. Of course, they’d only been waiting for him and Hope to ‘slip up’ and finally bring their relationship out into the open. And part of him registered joy at their crewmates’ obvious approval. But even if everyone were booing and hissing right now, he could never stop kissing her. Which she didn’t seem to mind at all. Matter of fact, she seemed just as eager as he was.

It was strange, they’d kissed a thousand times before, went to bed together every night and had done a million more intimate things already. And yet, McCoy was so used to being distant and acting respectably in public, this kiss almost felt like their first.

And to the sound of ‘Everything I Do, I Do It for You’, they just kept on swaying and kissing, and unabashedly showing their love for everyone to see. It felt great. More than that. It felt spectacular, and incredible, and amazing.

 _Oh yes,_ the doctor thought, gazing into Hope’s eyes and seeing right into her heart, _Mr. Adams is absolutely right._

He’d do anything for Hope, give anything, including his life. Because there was no love like her love, nothing he wanted more, and certainly worth dying for. Because life without her had become unthinkable. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist (chapter 52):  
> Gloria Gaynor – I Am What I Am  
> Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive  
> Gloria Gaynor – Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You  
> Air Supply – Making Love Out of Nothing at All  
> Rod Stewart – Have I Told You Lately  
> Bruce Springsteen – I’m on Fire  
> Glenn Medeiros – Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You  
> Foreigner – I Want to Know What Love Is  
> Michael Jackson / Paul McCartney – The Girl Is Mine  
> Billy Joel – Just the Way You Are  
> REO Speedwagon – Can’t Fight This Feeling  
> Lonestar – Amazed  
> Garth Brooks (Bob Dylan) – To Make You Feel My Love  
> Bryan Adams – (Everything I Do) I Do It for You


	53. Chapter 53

Jenny thought all her Christmases had come at once. Safely ensconced in McCoy’s strong and tender arms, at liberty to show the whole world how much she loved him, she was dancing to some of her favourite music, which she hadn’t heard in ages, and had been convinced never to hear again. If this was cloud nine, she definitely wanted to stay. That Leonard had decided – or at least allowed himself – to kiss her like this in front of everyone had surprised her in the most pleasant and delightful way.

She knew, of course, that the doctor had tried to keep their relationship secret for her sake, and not because he felt ashamed of her or wasn’t committed enough. But she realised that, actually for some time now, she’d felt secure enough in her role as Starfleet officer and department head, had actually started to make a name for herself already on the _Lexington_ , to not be afraid of being branded as Dr. McCoy’s little protégé anymore.

And just the thought of not having to sneak in and out of his quarters any longer, or to have to stop herself from seeking or giving comfort in front of others when the situation called for it, was liberating beyond words. For the first time ever, she could simply be herself on the _Enterprise_ , without having to choose every word and consider every move carefully.

She’d hated the secrecy when it had all been about her past, and then again, when she couldn't openly show her feelings for the wonderful doctor. But now she just couldn't stop grinning. Her friends’ reaction was terrific. And heart-warming. They all seemed to be so happy for them. So supportive. She was incredibly blessed indeed.

The music was suddenly turned down for an announcement of an incoming transmission from Starfleet to Captain Kirk, and the captain quickly disappeared out the door to take the call in private. When he returned a few minutes later, there was a disgruntled and almost worried frown on his face, and Jenny wondered what the call might have been about. Leonard kept throwing Kirk concerned glances, too, but got no reaction from his friend, who just put his party smile back in place and motioned for everyone to continue enjoying themselves.

McCoy pulled her close again, drawing her into another passionate kiss as the next slow song started, only to end up giggling against each other’s lips when Sulu started a chant of “Get a room!”, prompting the doctor to grab her by the hand, pull her towards the exit, and slyly tell his cheering crewmates, “You know, we just might!”

Once outside, they made their way to the CMO’s quarters in record time, laughing and chortling all the way, and Jenny had never felt lighter. Or happier. Or more in love. As soon as the doors had slid shut behind them, they stumbled towards the bed, blindly fumbling with each other’s clothes, their lips firmly connected in a fervent kiss once again.

After having teased and flirted with Leonard all evening, Jenny couldn't wait to be at his – or have him at her – mercy again, but something wasn’t quite right. She could feel that his heart wasn’t in it as much as it should. He almost seemed distracted.

“Are you worried about the captain?” she asked, pausing in her endeavours to rid him of his clothes.

“Why?” McCoy shot back a little too quickly, and Jenny could see a flicker of guilt cross his face.

“Well, he did seem rather preoccupied after the call from Starfleet, don’t you think?” she continued gently, hoping to convey that she understood his concern and wasn’t mad at him for worrying about his friend when, by rights, he should really only be focusing on her.

“You’re right, love,” the doctor sighed, looking at her apologetically, “he seemed really tense.”

“Do you want to go talk to him?” Jenny suggested softly. “Maybe he could do with a friend now.”

McCoy searched her face for a long moment, obviously trying to gauge if she was being serious.

“You need me, too, love,” he finally said, his kind eyes travelling all over her body and back to her face. “After all, I’ve just made our relationship official without so much as discussing it with you first.”

“And we can celebrate later,” Jenny beamed, planting a chaste kiss on his lips, then laughed, “Oh, Leonard, don’t look so conscious-stricken! I have nothing to hide, everybody can know how much I love you. I’m actually glad they do now! But seriously, don’t neglect your duties as a friend. Go see the captain! Bring him some brandy, or whatever it is you usually do.”

When the doctor just kept looking doubtfully at her, she added, “Don’t worry! I have enough music to keep me entertained in the meantime. And I’ll still be here, waiting for you, when you come back. Promise!”

McCoy hesitated another moment, torn between what he wanted to do and what he knew he should do, then nodded reluctantly and started to readjust his clothes.

“You’re one remarkable lady, Jenny,” he murmured, pulling her in for a quick, but tight hug, before taking a few swift steps towards the door. “And you certainly never cease to amaze me. Your perceptiveness is second to none.”

* * *

Kirk’s eyes grew wide in surprise when he saw McCoy stepping into his quarters.

“What are you doing here, Bones? Something wrong? I thought you were having the night of your life!”

“I was,” the doctor admitted with a rueful little grin, plonking a bottle on Kirk’s desk and himself into the chair across from the captain. “But Jenny sent me on a mission, practically shoving the brandy into my hands. She thinks you might need someone to talk to, and, frankly, so do I. So, what’s eating you, Jim?”

“You really have an extraordinary woman there, Bones,” Kirk grinned, filling two small tumblers and settling back in his chair. “Are you not sometimes worried that she’s too good to be true?”

“More often than you think, Jim,” McCoy replied, raising an amused eyebrow. “But don’t change the subject! What’s bothering you? I’m here to listen!”

As it turned out, the call from Starfleet and the captain’s subsequent concerns were actually about Hope. Following his glowing report, Kirk had been asked to explain what she’d been doing on _Iridis_ in the first place. And now he was hard-pressed to come up with a plausible explanation that would not put her career at risk.

“Don’t worry, Bones,” Jim smiled at this friend. “I’ll take care of it. I’ve dealt with those paper pushers so many times before, and I’ve always managed to find a way around silly rules and restrictions.”

The doctor, of course, knew that. Probably better than anyone. And he wasn’t worried at all. The captain would never allow anything to jeopardise Hope’s career. But McCoy couldn't shake the feeling that he was missing something here.

“Actually, Jim, I don’t quite see what the problem is,” he pondered aloud. “Hope asked for leave, and you granted it. What’s there to explain? She did nothing wrong, and neither did you!”

Kirk opened his mouth to answer, then closed it again, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth as he obviously tried to find the right words.

“Wait a minute,” it suddenly dawned on McCoy, “you didn’t tell them she asked for leave, did you? You’re not trying to save her career. What you’re trying to do is to somehow turn this into an official mission to ensure she gets the commendation she definitely deserves, right?”

The captain raised his glass at that, grinning sheepishly at his friend.

“Guilty as charged, Bones,” he smirked, and the doctor felt immense gratitude and fondness for Jim surging through him, as he realised that he was not the only one looking out for his beloved Hope.

* * *

When McCoy returned to his quarters, Jenny was taken aback to see him wordlessly make a beeline to where she was lounging on the bed engrossed in her music. His eyes dark and hungry, he seemed determined to pick up right where they’d left off earlier, deftly removing both their clothes and starting to kiss, touch and tease her in the most delicious ways before she even knew what was happening.

“No more excuses, love,” he almost growled, “I’ve been waiting to show you how ‘on fire’ I am far too long.”

Jenny didn’t even get the chance to process his words, Leonard’s skilled hands, lips and tongue instantly taking her to ecstatic heights. But just when she thought she’d reached paradise, he stopped, making her groan in frustration.

“Just getting even for your teasing me all evening,” he smirked, emerging from further down the bed and bringing his face close to hers, the tip of his nose sporting a tell-tale moist sheen. “One song, particularly, comes to mind. And to make it very clear, I’m not your daddy!”

“You’re not?” Jenny chuckled despite herself, feigning surprise and bashfully fluttering her eyelashes at him, but finding it increasingly difficult to flirt in her current state of burning desire.

“No,” Leonard growled, his voice even deeper this time. “Or would your daddy do this to you? Or this?”

“No, he certainly wouldn’t,” she moaned, all thoughts of Springsteen’s lyrics instantly pushed from her mind again, when the doctor finally ducked his head once more to finish what he’d so expertly started.

* * *

The next day, McCoy went to see Hope in her office. A luxury he hadn’t treated himself to very often before, for fear of being too obvious. Unlike her, who’d worked in sickbay for almost a year, and was still treated as one of the team, the doctor rarely had official business in linguistics.

In high spirits after their incredible evening and night, he revelled in the newfound freedom that officially being in a relationship with Hope afforded him.

 _Everybody knows_ , he thought happily, savouring the feeling, almost giddy with joy. _Everybody knows that the most desirable woman in the whole galaxy is in love with me._

McCoy was only a few steps away from the linguistics department, when he saw Uhura sashaying out of the turbolift and disappearing straight into Hope’s office, seeming excited and in a hurry.

Not wanting to intrude, the doctor stood outside Hope’s office door and patiently waited for the women to finish whatever Uhura had come for. He honestly didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but the communications officer’s strong and clear voice was hard to ignore.

“So, it’s official, you and the doctor are an item! And you never said a word!” Uhura practically squealed, sounding a little miffed about having been kept in the dark, but mostly thrilled for her friend.

“Well, we …” Hope began hesitantly, seeming unsure of how to explain herself.

“But then, you didn’t really have to,” Uhura cut in, chuckling delightedly.

“You mean you knew?” Hope asked, perplexed.

“No,” Uhura reassured her, “but, like everybody else, I strongly suspected. It was certainly no secret that you and the doctor cared for each other. Anyone could see that.”

“Okay…” Hope sounded uncharacteristically tight-lipped, very likely a little embarrassed that she’d been so oblivious.

Even though he’d always tried to be discreet, McCoy had long suspected that their relationship might be the worst kept secret on the _Enterprise_.

“Oh darling,” Uhura giggled, “you were so obvious. Everybody could see that the two of you were crazy in love almost from the moment you first came aboard. And I’m not talking about your return from the _Lexington_ , but the actual ‘first time’.”

“Now wait a little,” Hope protested, “we didn’t even know ourselves until the day before I transferred!”

Uhura laughed out loud at that, and McCoy couldn't help secretly grinning with her.

“Oh my, you two are priceless!” she snorted, seeming unable to get a grip on herself.

“How could you tell?” Hope asked, and the doctor heard genuine curiosity in her voice.

“Hmmm, let’s see,” Uhura replied, pretending to think hard about it. “Your whole face lights up whenever the doctor’s name comes up? You’ve spent practically all of your free time together, and that – again – since you first came aboard? And then there’s the way he looks at you?”

“What way?” Hope wanted to know.

“Phew, how can I explain it?” Uhura sighed. “Just, somehow, so full of tenderness and admiration. Okay, make that completely smitten. We all know that Dr. McCoy is a very caring and compassionate doctor. But there’s caring, and then there’s, you know, love. You’re both wearing your hearts on your sleeves. I remember how devastated Chekov was, when he first suspected.”

“You mean Pavel knew, too?”

“But of course!”

McCoy groaned inwardly, remembering how Chekov had come to practically ask his permission to date Hope when she still had amnesia. For such a brilliant woman, Hope was really clueless sometimes.

“And he still kept dancing with me and being my friend?”

“Honey,” Uhura gave an exasperated sigh, “he’s always loved you. Still does. Even knowing that he can never be more than a friend. Or why do you think, he’s never had the same girlfriend for more than a week or so?”

There was a long silence as Hope apparently contemplated Uhura’s words.

“Don’t worry,” the communications officer continued. “Pavel likes and respects the doctor far too much to ever try to get between you. Not that he could, of course. He's known McCoy for years, and the doctor has saved his life more than once.”

“I wish Pavel would find someone nice, someone who’d really make him happy,” Hope sighed, and McCoy felt his heart melt at how she always wanted everyone to be happy.

“I’m sure we’ll find someone for him eventually,” Uhura smiled. “Anyway, I’m really happy for you and the doctor. You both deserve to be happy. Dr. McCoy is a really fine man. And you are the best friend I could wish for. You two are perfect for each other!”

“Oh, we are!” Hope exclaimed enthusiastically, and McCoy was just about to make his presence known, when she went on. “At least I hope so. I sure couldn't be happier. He's incredible, Nyota! The most wonderful man you can imagine. Everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I adore him. I could just lie in his arms forever, talking and ... stuff, and not get bored for a minute. But even when we don't have any time at all, because of some crisis or other, just a moment's glance or a fraction of a smile from him feels like being wrapped in the warmest embrace. I just need to know he's there, and everything will be all right.”

McCoy was deeply touched by Hope’s words. She’d told him all of that many times before, of course, but hearing her tell the same thing to her best friend was something else again. Proof that she really felt like this and didn’t just say it to please him.

“Now you're making me jealous,” Uhura said wistfully. “I want what you have. I wish the doctor had a brother. Or a son even.”

Uhura chuckled, then let out an astonished squeal, when Hope playfully shoved her.

“Oh stop it, Nyota! You're being gross!”

“Well, I like my men young. And that McCoy is quite a bit older than you is a fact.”

She was right, of course. The doctor heaved a quiet sigh.

“Really, you're as bad as Leonard,” Hope moaned.

“Does it bother him?” Uhura wanted to know.

“It used to. But, thankfully, not anymore. He's come to accept that I love him exactly the way he is. That he makes me happy in every way.”

“Every way? Oh please, do tell!” Uhura laughed, enjoying teasing her friend.

McCoy held his breath. Now, this was getting interesting.

“Oh, you're impossible!” Hope scolded her friend, then chuckled good-naturedly, “Yes, in every way. The rumours about Leonard and his ‘hands of a surgeon’ are definitely true, you know. And that's as much as you'll hear from me in this matter. Now go badger someone else, girlfriend. I've got work to do!”

The doctor had to clamp a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing out loud in surprise at that, and quickly stepped through the door into Hope’s office before he got to hear any further details about himself he definitely didn’t need to know, charmingly grinning at a startled and blushing Uhura, as she nearly bumped into him on her hasty way out.

“Leonard! What a nice surprise!” Hope greeted him over-brightly, looking a little flustered at his sudden appearance.

“Glad you think so! I’m certainly glad I came,” he replied, trying to keep a straight face as he waited for the doors to hiss shut behind him. Then he wrapped his arms around Hope, brushed a tender kiss on her lips, and whispered in her ear, “And I can’t wait to show you what this surgeon’s hands can really do.”


	54. Chapter 54

Jenny woke up with a start, sitting bolt upright in bed, her heart racing, as the dream slowly faded away. The dream that kept torturing her. Some nights even more often than once. It was always the same dream. And yet, it wasn’t. Always the same people in it. Kids. Two boys. Although they looked different every time, so she couldn’t be totally sure. But something terrible always happened to them, some accident or illness. Sometimes they drowned, sometimes they fell off a cliff, or got shot or hit by something. Whatever tragedy befell them, the outcome was always the same: Jenny started awake, completely shaken and feeling a terrible loss. 

_Sammy_ , she thought, searching her mind and her heart for clues, any memories she might associate with that name. Like she’d done every night for the past week or so. And just like always, she came up with nothing. Yet, the name seemed strangely familiar. One of the kids they’d saved on _Iridis_ had gone by that name. Or at least a very similar sounding Iridian one. And it had triggered something in her mind, although she couldn’t for the life of her fathom out what.

"Come here, love," Leonard’s drowsy voice broke into her thoughts, a gentle hand softly tugging at her shoulder and pulling her down into his loving arms.

He didn’t ask about the dream, knowing by now that she didn’t want to – couldn't – talk about it, just offering comfort, a safe place for her to go back to sleep, and she gratefully sank into his warm embrace, like she had for the past few nights. McCoy thought she was having nightmares from _Iridis_. And maybe he was right, perhaps she was. She was certainly happy to let him believe it was just that. Even though she had an inkling that there was more to it.

Snuggling closer into the doctor’s arms, Jenny promised herself to talk to him about it, if her nightmares hadn’t stopped by the end of the week. She loved him for being so patient with her. For letting her come to him, confide in him, in her own good time. Especially since, generally speaking, patience definitely wasn’t his strong suit.

It wasn’t that she didn’t _want_ to tell him what was bothering her. Matter of fact, she loved sharing everything with him. Well, except for sometimes, when she really didn’t want to worry him. But some things were just so hard to talk about, or rather, hard to put into words. To find the right words to even begin to describe or explain what she hardly understood herself.

Still, Leonard was always there for her, steadfastly offering comfort and support, no questions asked. Love, and warmth, and security. A safe place for her to work things out. Until she could talk about them. And when she was ready, she knew he’d listen like no one else could. Full of concern, eager to help, but entirely without doubting or judging her.

* * *

It had been almost two weeks now, McCoy thought, and during the day, Hope was cheerful and seemingly carefree as ever, visibly basking in the newly official status of their relationship. But _Iridis_ still haunted her dreams, and there hadn’t been a night without her having at least one nightmare since. It wasn’t particularly surprising, of course. The experience wasn’t something you could just easily put behind you. He still had nightmares about it, too.

Hard as it was for him to watch her struggle every night, McCoy accepted that she didn’t want to talk about _Iridis_ anymore. They’d done so extensively after their return, and he’d long established that Hope’s natural coping mechanism was to focus on the positive things in life rather than dwell on the negative. And that was all right, too. He supported that.

So he kept from asking any questions, when he found her sitting up in bed at night, trembling and breathing hard, and just pulled her into his arms, to comfort and soothe her, and to make her feel as safe as he could. It always worked. She was back asleep almost the moment his arms closed around her and her head came to rest on his chest.

The doctor wasn’t overly worried, though. Hope was a strong woman, and the dreams would fade over time. Besides, he was sure that she’d come and talk to him of her own accord, if she felt the need. If something was really bothering, worrying, or even scaring her. She’d done it before. All she needed was to feel his love and support, safe in the knowledge to have his caring, non-judgemental attention once she decided to confide in him.

Furthermore, McCoy couldn’t deny that he loved being there for Hope like that. Holding her safe, giving her all the tender touch and security she needed, never failed to fill his heart with joy and a sense of purpose he couldn’t even begin to describe. Or even really understand. Taking care of this extraordinary woman, whom he loved more than life itself, had become his raison d’être, his whole reason for living. And, strangely enough, the realisation didn’t even scare him anymore.

* * *

After _Iridis_ , their relationship had slightly shifted. Even though he hadn’t been aware of it, had actually seen them as equal partners long before then, McCoy now felt a new level of admiration and respect for Hope. Part of her was still, and would always remain, the delicate girl he so desperately needed to protect and keep safe. But he’d never seen more clearly that she’d grown into a truly independent and strong woman. A partner he could always lean on, too. He was no longer afraid of breaking her, of needing her, of not always being the strong one.

_What a wonderful team we are!_

And now that their relationship was official, McCoy suddenly felt like asking her the big question, surprising himself a little there. It was like a deeply harboured yearning he’d never known he had. Truthfully, he’d thought he’d never even consider marriage again after his spectacular failure the first time. And Hope had certainly never given any hint that it might be important to her, or that she’d even be open to it in the first place.

Besides, everything was perfect between them as it was. There was no need to change anything. And yet, the doctor couldn’t shrug off this growing desire to be married to Hope, to call her his wife. Not because he wanted to make some old-fashioned claim, to ‘possess’ her. Just the idea of Hope being anything but her own, free, independent person was ridiculous. But because he felt the urge to somehow take their love to the next level, which was nigh impossible.

It couldn’t get any better or deeper or more perfect. But marriage would show the whole world their appreciation of each other, their wish to be together. Always and forever. And McCoy felt he really wanted the world to know just how happy he was with Hope. How perfect and wonderful he thought she was. He’d never had this urge before. Certainly not when he’d proposed to Jocelyn. Then, it had just been ‘the right thing to do’, the next logical step, what people - and most of all Jocelyn - expected.

He should have waited for the next shore leave, of course. Should have got a beautiful ring and taken Hope to a romantic place or some first-class restaurant for the occasion. But bearing in mind how quickly bad things could happen in space, the doctor didn’t think he could wait that long.

Hope didn’t need grand gestures, he knew her that well. She didn’t need a ridiculously expensive ring as proof of the depth and sincerity of his love for her. There wasn’t a ring valuable enough to reflect the strength of his love anyway, even if he could afford it. And her self-esteem certainly didn’t depend on swanky public displays of his affection. But he still wanted to propose to her in a romantic setting.

In the end, however, he just more of less blurted out the question when his heart was too full to contain it any longer.

* * *

Jenny and McCoy were having an intimate dinner in a secluded corner of the observation deck, and Leonard had been awfully fidgety all evening. Starfleet had issued a commendation praising them both for their exemplary work on _Iridis_ , and the doctor had insisted on organising a celebratory dinner for them. Something special, he’d said, a little more glamorous than the mess, and with a nicer view.

“What’s the matter, Leonard?” Jenny asked, gently placing her hand on top of his, to stop him from restlessly drumming his fingers on the table. “Something’s really bothering you. What is it?”

Looking at him, as he nervously gazed at her from under his eyelashes, an almost shy smile playing around his lips, she couldn't help thinking how handsome he was. A fact he seemed to be completely oblivious of. She’d known him for a long time now, but there were still moments when his looks simply took her breath away.

She loved him for so many reasons. His kindness, his brilliance, his humour, the way he cared. About her and everyone else. For giving her this wonderful sense of security, of being cherished. And for the way he made her feel when he touched her, kissed her, made love to her. A lot of the time, she just took his good looks for granted. But sometimes, at moments like this, she’d look at him, and just get blown away by what a gorgeous man he was, feeling immensely proud to be the woman at his side.

“Jenny, I love you more than you’ll ever know,” McCoy began hesitantly, his eyes darting around restlessly, unable to hold her gaze. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I can’t imagine ever being without you again.”

He clasped her fingers, his hand untypically clammy and cold, and Jenny was growing uneasy. Was this the build-up for some bad news? But what about? His health? It didn’t even bear thinking about. Did he have to leave the _Enterprise_? Was he going to break up with her for some other reason? She felt her lips getting dry, and her heart hammering frantically against her chest. They’d been so happy!

“Will you marry me?”

The question came so unexpected, Jenny couldn't help the relieved laughter bubbling up inside her, unable to give this pivotal moment the dignity it deserved, and which Leonard had clearly meant to convey.

“Would you really want to?” she all but guffawed, flabbergasted. “I mean, I always thought you were done with marriage.”

The doctor’s face fell. This was clearly not the reaction he’d hoped for.

“Would I ask, if I wasn’t serious?” he retorted, his shoulders sagging, and suddenly looking lost and insecure in a way she’d never seen him before.

He’d tried to make this the perfect proposal, and she’d gone and ruined it, put the mother of all dampeners on this precious moment by questioning his sincerity.

When the enormity of the actual question finally struck home, Jenny jumped up from her chair, hurled herself around the table, and literally fell to her knees at Leonard’s feet. Grabbing his hand and putting it to her lips, she gazed up at the doctor through moist eyes, her heart bursting with a million wonderful emotions.

“Yes, Leonard, oh yes!” she beamed, feeling her eyes spill over with happy tears. “I’d love nothing more than to be your wife.”

Seeming rather overwhelmed by the situation himself, and quite obviously having a hard time processing that she’d just said yes, McCoy pulled her up and onto his lap, wrapping his arms so tightly around her she could hardly breathe, while drawing her into a kiss so intense, her limbs went all weak and started to feel like jelly.

* * *

Hope had said yes. McCoy could hardly believe it. After her initial reaction, he’d almost regretted asking her, suddenly feeling incredibly silly and ridiculous, afraid to have made a complete fool of himself. Or, even worse, to have put her in an awkward position. But now the world was a beautiful place again. A dream had come true. The most wonderful woman in the universe, the love of his life, had agreed to marry him. And she seemed really happy about it, too.

Unlike Jocelyn who’d probably been waiting for him to pop the question since their first date, craving the idea of being married to a soon-to-be doctor rather than actual life with him and all that his job entailed, Hope had been genuinely surprised.

 _No doubt about that_ , he couldn't help smiling to himself.

And yet, she’d said yes, wanting them to be together for the rest of their lives just as much as he did.

As if on cue, the sound of the bosun’s whistle could be heard across the observation deck, and a call came through, asking Dr. McCoy to report to sickbay.

The doctor was crestfallen. This was unbelievable! Couldn't he even propose in peace? But Hope just giggled as she quickly slid off his lap. Her eyes sparkling with amusement, she seemed to actually find this hilarious! Not a trace of disappointment or annoyance on her face, like any other woman would probably have felt at that moment. She really was something else.

McCoy jumped up and hit the comm on the wall closest to their table, only to learn that there had been an accident in engineering, and M’Benga needed him down in sickbay ASAP.

“Go, Leonard, and good luck!” Hope smiled, giving his arm a comforting squeeze. “This certainly makes the occasion even more memorable. I’ll stay here a little while longer, and if it gets too late, you’ll find your fiancée in your quarters.”

The doctor nodded resignedly, brushed a hurried kiss on her lips, and then raced off towards the nearest turbolift, his heart brimming over with love for this extraordinary woman. His fiancée. He rolled the word around in his mind for a moment, then shut out all private thoughts and emotions, switching to complete doctor mode before entering sickbay.


	55. Chapter 55

Jenny’s heart was bursting with love and happiness. Unbelievably, she was engaged. To wonderful, kind, amazing Leonard. The renowned Dr. McCoy of Starfleet. Jenny was going to be a wife. Leonard’s wife. She honestly hadn’t seen that one coming, not in a million years, and she still had to get her head around it. But she had to admit that it felt terrific. Not least, because it seemed to mean so much to him. Probably the one thing that had surprised her most that evening.

After his countless snide remarks on the subject over the years, leaving no doubt about what he thought of marriage, or, more accurately, how much he’d been hurt by his first encounter with the institution, his proposal had certainly come completely out of the blue. How often had he claimed to be utterly unfit for relationships? Although, the way he’d always been there for her from the very beginning, long before theirs could actually have been called a relationship, even Leonard must have seen how wrong he’d been in his assessment.

To tell the truth, marriage had never been ranking particularly high on Jenny’s list of life goals. She’d never seen it as more than an inconsequential piece of paper, certainly nothing that said anything about the love two people held for each other, or the state of their relationship. A wedding might be an opportunity to have a big party, be the centre of attention for a day, if you liked that sort of thing. But it certainly didn’t provide any lasting security as far as love, loyalty, or fidelity were concerned.

No, marriage had never held the appeal for her it obviously held for so many others. And being with McCoy, and very happily so, she’d honestly never given it much thought. He’d been there, done that already, and she’d always been under the impression that once had been more than enough for him.

And that wasn’t even counting his short, and almost immediately annulled, marriage to Natira, which Leonard didn’t seem exactly proud of and had only briefly mentioned to her once. Apparently, the whole episode had been a bit of a blur for him, having found out about his terminal illness only days before, and feeling dizzy and rather out of it due to that very same illness.

Jenny’s heart ached just thinking about him being ill and scared and trying to deal with it all by himself, and she was eternally grateful to the High Priestess of Yonada for being there for Leonard and loving him at that difficult time.*

Natira must have been a very impressive woman, and Jenny was convinced that McCoy must have had real feelings for her, too – as real as they could be for someone you’d only just met, anyway – or he would never have agreed to marry her, not even in his dazed state. She knew him that well. But from what he’d told her, his main motivators for agreeing to stay and marry the priestess had been his longing to be loved and fear of dying lonely on the one hand, and it being the only way he saw to save Jim and Spock’s lives on the other hand.

Jenny had never asked him for details after that, sensing how embarrassed, and most of all guilty towards Natira, Leonard felt. She certainly didn’t want him to think he had to justify himself for anything in his past. Least of all to her.

Now, however, the doctor seemed positively eager to get married again. The thought crossed her mind that, maybe, he thought it was important to her? Knowing how he would do anything to make her happy, Jenny wouldn’t put it past him. She’d have to find out.

But she also had to admit that she was extremely flattered. And excited. Knowing that he loved and trusted her enough to overcome his mistrust of marriage, made her happy beyond words. Coming from Leonard, a proposal was certainly the greatest declaration of love she could think of. And he’d been so adorably nervous about it, too!

Jenny had been totally committed to McCoy since what felt like forever, wanting to be with him for the rest of her life, married or not, more than anything else. But now that she seriously thought about it, in a way that was hard to explain, the idea of them being husband and wife actually felt like the ultimate connection, an unbreakable bond. All of a sudden, as she’d already told him on the observation deck earlier, she found that she wanted nothing more than to be Leonard’s wife.

Allowing himself to love her like he did, had, of course, made McCoy vulnerable again way before he’d even thought of proposing. Jenny had long realised that and always seen it as the most precious gift, well aware of how much being emotionally vulnerable scared Leonard. It was undoubtedly the main reason why he’d made it his mission to get Spock to actively deal with his human half. To try and prepare him for emotional assault far worse than the doctor’s playful, affectionate jibes. Although few people, apart from Spock himself and maybe the captain and the bridge crew, seemed to get that. A subject that Christine seemed to be particular touchy about.

Jenny would never knowingly do anything to hurt Leonard, of course. He deserved nothing but unconditional love, loyalty and support in every way possible. Underneath his crusty shell, he was probably the softest, most easily hurt person she knew. Unnoticed by most people, and the doctor worked hard to keep it that way, McCoy took everything to heart. Jenny had lost count of the times she’d witnessed him going from confident and happy to insecure and defensive in the blink of an eye after a simple, careless remark of one of his friends. Or, sadly, sometimes even one of hers.

She knew only too well that with the power she’d been blessed with to make him happy, also came the power to destroy him. And she vowed then and there to make every effort to take even better care of his heart in the future, to always be considerate of his feelings, in her words as well as in her actions.

Love did make you vulnerable. It was an undeniable truth. But for Jenny, the wonderful side, the beauty of love would always outweigh the hurt it might cause. With Leonard, she even enjoyed being – or rather, making herself – vulnerable. Because, for some reason, she’d known from the start that her heart was safe with him. That he’d never hurt her, since that would break his own heart, too. And being able to drop her guard around him, not having to pretend to be more than she was, or stronger, or cleverer, made her feel safe in a way she couldn't even begin to explain.

It was fantastic to know that she could ask him anything, and not worry about coming across as dim, or naïve, or still overwhelmed by living in the 23rd century even after all this time. Leonard would always take her questions and insecurities seriously, delighting in explaining without being patronising. He might smile at some questions, which Jenny didn’t mind, often seeing the funny side herself, but it was always in a loving, benign and caring way, never because he’d lost respect.

Come to think of it, everything they did, they seemed to do lovingly and respectfully. Even argue. But then, most of their disagreements arose from one of them trying to protect the other, however misguidedly, anyway. What better foundation to build a strong marriage on? Jenny couldn't think of anything she wanted more than to make McCoy the happiest husband ever. She’d have him smiling all day, every day. Get rid of that worried frown once and for all.

 _Go big or go home_ , she chuckled to herself, but then she’d always set her goals high.

There was certainly no greater, more fulfilling joy than being able to put one of those glowing smiles on Leonard’s face, the ones that always went straight to her heart, filling it with the warmest, fuzziest feelings and a rush of happiness she hadn’t known until she’d met her science-blue soulmate. 

* * *

When McCoy returned to his quarters late that evening, still seething from having had ‘their moment’ interrupted so rudely while at the same time trying to comprehend that they were now actually engaged to be married, he found Hope curled up on the couch, still fully dressed and fast asleep. Of course, she’d wanted to wait up for him. She always did when he was dealing with an emergency, he thought fondly. But all those broken nights seemed to have taken it out of her.

Stopping to look at her familiar form, ‘her’ music still playing softly in the background, he felt all his exhaustion from the operation he’d just had to perform ebb away. Simply being in her presence always had this effect on him. Just like he always endeavoured to be her rock, her protector, Hope had become his safe haven, the calm and soothing centre of his rough and stormy universe.

 _For all I know, she might be an angel_ , he thought affectionately, and with her serene expression and her hair having come loose and curling softly around her face, she looked exactly as he would picture one.

McCoy still couldn’t quite grasp it. He’d asked her to marry him, and she’s said yes. Just like that! And now he felt on top of the world. How was he so lucky? Nothing had actually changed. And yet, everything had. Funny, how words could do that. Because, really, it had just been words. They were still the same people, still felt the same way about each other. He’d asked a question, she’d given an answer. So, why was he feeling happier than he ever had before? The human soul truly was a mystery.

Letting his eyes trail over her lovely features, so delicate in sleep, it suddenly hit him how much he wanted her to be family. To _have_ a family. Maybe that was one of the reasons he wanted to marry her so badly? To actually give her a family again. To share _his_ family with her. Because every time he thought about how alone in the world she was, it still hurt.

He needed Hope to feel that she was the single most important person in his life. That all his dreams and desires were about her. That she was constantly on his mind, wherever he was, whatever he was doing.

Looking back, McCoy realised that she’d practically taken up most of his thoughts since the day they’d met. He’d worried about her, been fascinated and entertained by her, had watched her at work, taking care of his patients, when she was dancing, or singing, or simply being Hope. Wonderful, lovely, brilliant, amazing Hope.

He’d fallen under her spell faster than he’d ever thought possible. In literally no time, his whole life had started to revolve around her, he’d opened up to her, exposed himself and made himself vulnerable like never before. And he didn’t regret a single minute. Hope had been worth every moment of doubt, or fear, or worry, or pain. Because he’d also been happier, more at ease with himself and at peace with the world, than he’d ever been before.

Wanting her to have a family again might be one of the reasons why he couldn't wait to marry her. But the main reason was certainly that he felt perfectly safe with her. Safe in her love, trusting her implicitly. Because, insecure as he’d always felt in previous relationships, he knew with staggering certainty that Hope would never knowingly hurt him.

Now, she was going to be his wife, and he was determined to make her the happiest wife there’d ever been. He knew she was happy and positive by default, and he’d always admired and envied that. But from now on, he’d make it his mission to make her feel loved, and cherished, and safe beyond anything she’d ever dreamed of.

And, feeling a thrill of excitement running through him, McCoy realised that with Hope, unlike with any other woman before her, he actually believed he could achieve that. Just the thought that he, of all people, had the power, and the opportunity, to give her all that, made his heart soar with joyful delight.

* * *

With all those warm thoughts filling his mind, McCoy crouched down next to the couch, gently whispered Hope’s name, and pressed a tender kiss to her forehead. She was wide awake at the first touch, sitting up and groggily blinking her eyes to get rid of the sleepiness.

“How did it go?” she asked, a worried frown crossing her face.

“Everyone’s fine, love,” the doctor smiled, touched that this would always be her first concern, no matter how sleepy she was, or how caught up in her own problems.

He sat down beside her on the couch and pulled her into his arms, sighing contentedly as he felt her comfortably settling against him. Enjoying the warmth and the closeness, McCoy couldn't think of anything more relaxing than feeling Hope’s soft breath caressing his neck, as she snuggled ever closer, practically purring with contentment. He couldn't even remember how he had lived without her tender affections. And he sure as hell didn’t intend to ever go back to that cold and lonely place.

“I had the most incredible dream,” Hope said softly after a while.

“You did?” the doctor replied, curious, but not quite sure if she wanted to share anything else.

When she realised that he wasn’t going to ask, she smilingly volunteered, “I dreamed that the most handsome doctor in Starfleet asked me to marry him.”

“Really?” McCoy chuckled feigning surprise and trying not to let on how ridiculously flattered he was by her calling him handsome. “How forward of him!”

Hope giggled at that, and the delightful sound melted his heart just like it always did.

“And what was your answer?” he asked softly, feeling his heart beating faster, even though he already knew.

“I said yes, of course!” she beamed, not missing a beat and wrapping her arms tightly around his waist. “Yes, with all my heart!” 

“You said yes,” McCoy repeated, reverently murmuring the words against her hair, his voice cracking a little as their significance hit him anew.

“I certainly did,” Hope confirmed once more, and he could virtually feel the joyful emotions rippling through her lithe body, as she lifted her sweet face to look at him, drawing him into the bottomless depths of her beautiful, dark eyes.

Pulling back a little, his breath hitching slightly in his chest, McCoy quietly asked, “Are you still sure, love? I mean we’ve talked a lot about how I feel about relationships and marriage, and I couldn't have been more wrong, as it turns out, of course, but you’ve never revealed your own opinion on marriage.”

“I’ve never been surer about anything in my life, Leonard,” Hope said emphatically, reaching up to smoothen out his worried frown with gentle fingers.

“Even though I’ll have to run off all the time?” he just had to make sure. “Hell, I couldn't even finish proposing without being called away!”

“Leonard, we’ve talked about this before,” Hope smiled indulgently, and he could tell that she was trying to be patient with him. “You should really know better than to ask this by now. But I’ll gladly tell you again. As often as you need to hear it.”

McCoy just tilted his head to the side, silently pleading with her to keep talking.

“Of course, I’m sure, Leonard!” she went on, sitting up straight and holding his gaze. “I know what it’s like to be with you. I’ve known that you’re a doctor, and all that entails, from the start. In your line of work, more often than not, time is of the essence. You’ll always be – have to be – a doctor first. And it doesn’t bother me in the least. Quite the contrary! I admire your devotion, I’m proud that you’re such a gifted healer, and I’m grateful for every life you’ve saved and are still going to save.”

Hope paused to plant a gentle kiss on McCoy’s lips.

“I want to support you in every way I can, Leonard,” she continued softly. “Just as I’d like to think that you will support me, when I need to put my work and career first, by the way.”

“Of course, I will, love,” the doctor was almost too choked up to reply, losing himself in Hope’s tender eyes once again.

“I’ve told you before, and I won’t stop telling you until you believe me,” she sighed. “You are the most caring and reliable person I know. And I love you the more for taking your responsibilities seriously. It’s what you do, who you are, and one of the reasons I love you so much. It’s why you’re my hero, why I look up to you, why I’ll always feel safe with you.”

Then she suddenly got very serious, looking at him intently, and her next words touched him to the core.

“But when, at times, you can’t perform a miracle, I want to be there to hold you, to comfort you and remind you that you did your best. Because that’s what you do. Your very best. Always. But even so – although I sometimes have my doubts – you’re still a doctor, not a magician.”

* * *

Jenny didn’t mind telling Leonard again and again how wonderful he was, and how much she loved and adored him. In fact, she’d be happy to go on about her feelings for him all day. But she really wished that he’d wake up one morning and just know how amazing he was. Gazing at his beloved face, glad to see the last traces of doubt disappear as her words sank in, she suddenly remembered something else she needed to tell him.

“I’m sorry I messed up your beautiful proposal,” she smiled ruefully, actually having meant to apologise just before McCoy had been called to sickbay. “You need to know that I wasn’t laughing at you or your words. It’s just that, with you being so nervous all evening, when you started to tell me how much you loved me, I couldn't help thinking you were trying to prepare me for some bad news. And then, when you asked the question, I was just giddy with relief. You have no idea how scared I was for you, for us, at that moment.”

The words had just poured out of her, but seeing the doctor listening attentively, a relieved smile spreading across his face, Jenny was glad that she’d brought it up. She couldn't let him go on believing that her first reaction to his proposal had been to laugh it off.

“You haven’t messed up anything, Jenny,” McCoy lovingly reassured her, tenderly brushing a stray strand of hair out of her face. “If anyone has, it was obviously me. I’m sorry I scared you. I’m not very good at proposing, I guess.”

“But you are!” she exclaimed, needing him to understand how unbelievably happy he’d made her. “It couldn't have been more perfect.”

“Actually, it could,” the doctor hung his head, “and it should. I meant to do this far more romantically, but my heart was threatening to spill over, I just couldn't wait any longer. I don’t even have a ring for you yet.”

McCoy chuckled sheepishly, visibly dissatisfied with the way his proposal had turned out.

“But Leonard, I already have a ring!” Jenny laughed, taking it off and placing it in his hand. “And the most beautiful one, too. You already knew that our love was for life when you bought it for me, didn’t you? And it helped me through so many difficulties and hard times, I’d never want another. This ring is perfect! Your proposal was perfect! _You_ are perfect!”

The doctor just looked at her for a moment, blinking back emotional tears, then slid off of the couch and went down on one knee, putting on a face so serious, Jenny had to bite her lip not to laugh again. He was just too sweet and adorable.

“Jennifer Hope, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?” McCoy asked earnestly, tenderly taking her hand in his and gazing deeply into her eyes.

And when Jenny nodded a tearful yes, he gently slid the dolphin-shaped ring on her finger, got up again and pulled her into a kiss that told her exactly how happy she’d just made him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *In case you’re wondering what I’m talking about, and who Natira is, I’m referring to TOS s3e8 "For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky", in which McCoy is terminally ill with xenopolycythemia.


	56. Chapter 56

When Kirk arrived in sickbay the next morning, to enquire after the injured crewmembers from last night’s accident in engineering, he was more than a little surprised to find McCoy in high spirits.

“Don’t worry, Jim, M’Benga and I patched them together again. They’ll all live,” the doctor told him cheerfully, when he’d normally have been grumbling about ‘Scotty and his gang of careless idiots’ keeping him from a good night’s sleep with one of their ‘expendable’ accidents.

“And what has you so unusually happy this morning, Bones? I hardly recognised you without that trademark scowl of yours!” the captain couldn’t help teasing his friend, feeling almost reassured when his question provoked the tiniest frown on the doctor’s face.

“I’ve asked Hope to marry me,” McCoy beamed, the frown instantly gone again.

“You what?” Kirk sputtered, caught completely off guard, but quickly recovered and broke into a wide grin, as he clasped an approving hand on his friend’s shoulder. “That’s wonderful, Bones! Congratulations!”

“Shouldn’t you at least ask whether she said yes before you congratulate me?” McCoy chuckled good-naturedly, practically glowing with elation.

“I don’t need to, Bones,” Kirk said warmly, “your grin’s already told me. And anyway, there’s no way Hope wouldn’t want to marry you. As I see it, you’ve been as good as married for a long time already. Don’t tell me you had doubts when you popped the question?”

McCoy quickly looked away and gave a noncommittal shrug, while the captain made himself comfortable in the chair by the doctor’s desk and motioned for him to sit down, too.

Watching McCoy pour them two glasses of orange juice before lowering himself into his chair, Kirk couldn't help shaking his head at his friend’s incredible insecurity when it came to relationships. Not women, mind you, only relationships. Ever the southern gentleman, Bones had always easily attracted and charmed women, what with his good looks and suave, courteous manners. And he knew it, too.

But the moment they became serious, the doctor went all shy and insecure, thanks to that heartless first wife of his. Joyless Jocelyn, as he privately thought of her, had never been able to appreciate McCoy’s kindness or any other of his wonderful qualities, but instead had managed to take all his self-respect and confidence as a husband and partner in the divorce, along with his daughter and practically all his belongings. What a blessing that Hope had come along to restore that confidence with her unconditional love and steadfast support.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this happy before,” the captain said softly, remembering all the times he’d sat here with McCoy, trying to comfort him when Hope had been away on the _Lexington,_ or in a coma, or suffering from amnesia. “And I’m thrilled for you. You more than deserve it!”

“Thanks, Jim,” the doctor replied, his eyes glistening suspiciously, “I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy, either.”

“You’re a lucky man, Bones,” Kirk smiled, “Hope’s certainly all anyone could wish for. Beautiful, brilliant, young, kind, warm, fun, courageous … and she even still lets you have a drink or two with your friends!”

“That’s right,” McCoy laughed, “she’s definitely got no problem with that. Hope doesn’t do clingy. And she doesn’t want to change me or my life. She’s all I’ve ever wanted or needed, Jim. I’ll never understand why, but she loves me exactly as I am.”

“That’s not surprising, you're a great guy, Bones!” the captain said, looking intently at his friend and wishing McCoy could finally see it, too. 

What more did it take than an amazing woman like Hope falling madly in love and wanting to spend the rest of her life with him, for Bones to finally recognise his own worth? And not just as a doctor?

“Of course, she loves you, warts and all!”

“Thanks, Jim, nicely put,” McCoy chuckled, then his face took on a dreamy expression. “But it’s more than that, really. It’s not just that she knows my flaws and still loves me. She even loves me _for_ them and wouldn’t dream of trying to change me. I've never had that before. It’s hard to explain, but I feel like being with her makes me complete. It’s certainly unlike anything I’ve ever felt or experienced before.”

Kirk was beyond pleased to see his friend so happy in love, thinking that, maybe, Hope and McCoy were so perfect for each other, because they were so alike in many ways. They were both such caring, generous, selfless, and passionate people. But in other ways, they also complemented each other perfectly. Hope had this liveliness, the cheerfulness and optimism that Bones often lacked, and the doctor, in return, gave her stability, security, and, with his pragmatic, down-to-earth attitude, urged caution when she was getting carried away in her eagerness.

“Not to rain on your parade,” the captain suddenly remembered to ask, “but how’s Hope dealing with the whole _Iridis_ trauma?”

“As well as can be expected,” McCoy replied, a little, worried frown making its way back onto his face. “She’s slowly getting there, I think, but she’s still having nightmares.”

“Well, she’s certainly in the best of hands with you,” Kirk smiled encouragingly. “And with a wedding coming up, I guess her subconscious will soon be busy processing much more pleasant thoughts. Have you set a date yet?”

“No, not yet,” the doctor shook his head, “Jenny is determined to have Joanna there, and I’d love that, too, of course. Besides, if you were to marry us here on the _Enterprise_ , you couldn't be my best man!”

* * *

Jenny met McCoy for lunch in the mess, feeling relieved when he told her that everyone involved in last night’s accident was still fine. Leonard also mentioned that the captain had been down in sickbay, congratulating him when he heard of their engagement.

Her heart leaping when she saw the joyful sparkle in the doctor’s eyes, Jenny couldn't help but wonder, if the conversation between the two men had been anything like the one she’d had with Christine and Nyota this morning. No, she definitely couldn't see Kirk squealing and bounce-hugging Leonard the way her friends had done.

Gazing dreamily into the distance as memories of last night filled her mind, memories of how Leonard had demonstrated his undying love long after they’d stopped talking, she was startled out of her reverie by a warm hand gently covering hers on the table.

“I don’t think I can watch this any longer, love,” McCoy said softly, fixing her with concerned eyes.

“Watch what?” Jenny asked perplexed, unable to come up with anything that might worry him.

“You,” he smiled sadly. “Brooding and pushing your food around on your plate. I’ve been very patient, but I draw the line at your losing weight again.”

“I’m sorry, Leonard, I guess I’m just a little tired,” she said, hoping to ease his mind, then added with a naughty grin, “but after last night, it shouldn’t really surprise you to see me completely exhausted.”

“Last night was certainly special,” the doctor grinned back lovingly, “but don’t even try to put me off the scent here. You’ve clearly been working up the courage to tell me something for days now. Why don’t you just let me in on what’s bugging you?”

Jenny sighed. He was right, of course. Even though she hadn’t been ‘brooding’ at all just now, but daydreaming about rather pleasant things. He _had_ been awfully patient with her, and she’d known all along that it was only a matter of time until he’d start digging. He couldn't just stand by and watch her hurting.

“Have I ever told you that your knowing me so well can be quite a pain in the ...”

“Language, my dear! You’re a linguist after all!” he cut in, raising a mock-admonishing finger and giving her a wink while squeezing her hand affectionately.

She laughed at that, basking in Leonard’s comforting presence, as he tried to put her at ease. How was he always so kind and gentle with her, even when he was quite obviously irritated or worried?

“So?” McCoy prompted gently, withdrawing his hand and sitting up straight, indicating that he was ready to hear whatever she had to say.

“Okay,” Jenny sighed, wondering where to begin. “You see, I’ve been dreaming about children lately.”

“Well, that was to be expected after _Iridis_ ,” the doctor nodded sagely. “It’ll pass.”

“No, no, you don’t understand,” she tried to explain, “not those children. I’ve been dreaming about _having_ children. My own children.”

Jenny saw a shadow of something flicker across McCoy’s face. Confusion? Regret? Surprise? Shock?

“Oh, don’t panic, I put that wrong again,” she corrected herself quickly. “Not about having a baby, but having children, as in already being a mum.”

The doctor looked really confused now. He started to say something, then seemed to think better of it and just gazed at her thoughtfully for a while.

“Could it be about the girls in the photo in your quarters?” he eventually asked. “The ones you babysat? Maybe you still miss them more than you’re aware of.”

“No, I don’t think so,” she shook her head. “My dreams are about boys. The weirdest dreams, always about the same two boys, but at totally different ages. Something horrible always happens to them, and I get terribly upset, like I’m actually losing them, and they really mean a lot to me.”

“Are these your nightmares we’re talking about here?” McCoy asked, in complete doctor mode now.

“Yes,” Jenny whispered, then added, “One of them is called ‘Sammy’, I think. There was a boy called something like that on _Iridis_. I feel like his name might have triggered something.”

The doctor nodded thoughtfully.

“This could still be to do with _Iridis_ , you know,” he said, his calm voice incredibly soothing and reassuring, and Jenny felt a surge of comforting tenderness wash over her, when he put his hand protectively back on top of hers. “It’s not unusual to develop parental instincts when you’re faced with taking care of particularly vulnerable children. What you’ve experienced down there was extremely traumatic.”

Jenny heaved a sigh, looking into Leonard’s compassionate eyes. He clearly still longed to shelter her from all the pain in the world. That would never change, and she acknowledged that just knowing that would always make her feel wonderfully safe and protected.

“I’m glad you told me,” McCoy smiled, getting up and stepping around to her side of the table.

Coming to stand behind her chair, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, holding her close and kissing the top of her head, as she gratefully leaned back against his chest, savouring the comfort of his tight embrace.

“We’ll get to the bottom of this, you’ll see,” he murmured into her ear, making it sound like a promise, “and then we’ll make it go away.”

Leonard kept holding her like that for another couple of minutes, until it was time to return to duty, wrapping her in the loving support he radiated, and leaving Jenny convinced that there were no troubles or fears too big for Leonard to tackle and take away. She was the luckiest girl alive to have him by her side, and feeling downright invincible.

* * *

That evening, when she was lying in his arms again, talking about their respective days, as they’d made a habit of doing, McCoy suddenly propped himself up on one elbow and looked at her thoughtfully.

“I didn’t want to go into this at lunch, since it wasn’t what you needed to talk about,” he said, his voice kind but serious, “but why did you think I’d panic, when you mentioned dreaming about having children?”

“I don't know,” Jenny replied, taken aback by his question, “I just assumed you didn't want any more children, and wanted to reassure you that I wasn’t talking about having a baby, but really just dreaming about some children.”

“And why would you assume that I don't want any more children?” McCoy asked quietly, the sudden hurt in his eyes almost breaking Jenny’s heart. “We’ve never talked about it!”

“No. I mean, yes, you’re right. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you,” she stumbled over her words, reaching out to touch his face and flinching when he pulled away. “We've never talked about it, but I thought...”

“You thought I messed up once, I'm likely to do it again, didn’t you?” he said indignantly, his eyes filling up and his voice rough with the guilt that had been haunting him for years.

“Oh Leonard, please don't be like this!” Jenny pleaded with him, sitting up and reaching for him again. “Don't put words in my mouth!”

This time he didn’t pull back, and she cupped his face between her hands.

“You’re a terrific father, Leonard! I know that for a fact. I’ve seen how much Joanna adores you. You have all the kindness and so much love to give. A little overprotective, maybe,” she smirked at him, trying to get him to lighten up again, and glad to see his lips twitching with the hint of a smile. “I was simply thinking of Joanna and thought you wouldn’t want to hurt her.”

That caught McCoy visibly off guard, and Jenny could see that he was touched, processing her words.

“I’m sorry, love,” he said after a moment’s struggle to get his voice back. “Obviously, this is a touchy subject for me. I’ve been so disappointed that you would assume my panicking without even asking my opinion, it never occurred to me that you might just be considerate of Joanna.”

He pressed a hot kiss on Jenny’s lips, gently pushing her back down on the bed, then rolled over on his back and pulled her on top of him with strong arms, cradling her head against his chest and peppering her temples with little kisses.

“I should have known that your reasons for ‘assuming’ would be born of kindness. You’re the most thoughtful and caring person I know. Of course, you’d put Joanna's feelings above your own, even though you barely know her.”

“It’s true, I’ve only met her once, and therefore don’t know her well,” Jenny admitted, gently disengaging from his embrace to look at him. “But she’s everything to you, Leonard! So, naturally, she’s very important to me, too! And seeing that you couldn't really be there for her, when she was growing up, I thought that watching you having children again and playing happy families with me would certainly upset her. Even though she’d probably never show it.”

“No, she wouldn’t,” McCoy agreed in a low voice, much calmer again, the hurt in his eyes replaced by fond affection, as he tenderly stroked Jenny’s hair and caressed her cheek with a gentle thumb. “And your thoughtfulness means a lot to me. But, Jenny, much as I love my daughter and don’t want to hurt her, we cannot let that determine how we live our life! Joanna’s a grown woman now, she might even have children of her own sometime soon. She’d certainly cope, and even understand.”

The doctor wrapped his arms around Jenny again, pulling her close and nuzzling her hair, and she felt like floating in a sea of love and tenderness.

“Do you want more children?” she asked softly, trying to figure out her own feelings on the subject.

“I don't know, maybe,” he answered, his hands lovingly rubbing up and down her back, as he took his time to contemplate her question, “all I ask, I guess, is that we keep it open for discussion. The thought of having children with you certainly has its appeal.”

He smiled dreamily at her, as he obviously tried to imagine what it would be like, the soft and warm expression on his face melting her heart.

“Would _you_ want children?”

“I honestly haven't thought about it yet,” Jenny replied, losing herself in Leonard’s tender eyes, and remembering how gentle and loving he’d been with Marc, and Cal, and Ella, and the other children they’d had to take care of shortly after she’d first been assigned to the _Enterprise_. “But what I do know is, that if I ever were to have children, I wouldn’t want anyone but you to be their father.” 

McCoy pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, looking pleased at her words.

“You’re right, love. You’re so young, there’s still plenty of time to think about children and family.”

“I agree,” Jenny smiled. “Right now, it’s hardly an option, anyway. Us working for Starfleet and living on the _Enterprise_ doesn’t seem ideal. And I’d really like to focus on my career a little longer, before…”

“Jenny!” Leonard’s kind voice cut her short. “Relax! You don’t have to justify yourself! And no one’s asking you to make a decision right now.”

“Of course, I know, sorry,” she chuckled sheepishly, burying her face in his chest. “It’s just that …”

She broke off again, unsure how best to explain this to him. But when he rolled them around until she was on her back, and he was looking down at her with kind, understanding eyes, she saw that he knew exactly where she was coming from.

“I realise that it’s hard for you to let go of this 20th century sexist concept, where women had to practically give up their lives, or at least their careers, in exchange for having kids, while men just carried on with their lives like before. And I understand that that frightens you. But, Jenny, I promise that’s changed.”

He paused to run a loving hand through her hair and brush a tender kiss on her lips, before gently shaking his head.

“I don’t see how that ever worked, and I can’t really imagine life on Earth like this, but I get that it’s what you’re still afraid of in your heart.”

Jenny nodded and felt her eyes well up at his kindness. She was embarrassed that she just couldn't seem to get over some of her outdated fears, obviously too deeply ingrained in her subconscious. But at the same time, she felt immensely blessed to see how well Leonard really knew and understood her. How much thought he put into figuring her out. Finding out how she ticked, and laying her worries to rest whenever he could.

Seeming to read her thoughts, he smilingly reassured her, “Don’t worry, love. I’d never put pressure on you either way. Being with you, just the two of us, will always be perfectly enough for me. But please believe me that if, at some point, we decide that we want to have kids, we’ll find a way that won’t have you at a disadvantage. We might have to change our lifestyle, work our careers around family life, but we’d do it together, as a team.”

“I believe you,” Jenny smiled, lifting her head to kiss him, overwhelmed by how natural this way of thinking seemed to him, and realising that she still had, indeed, a lot to learn and internalise about the 23rd century.

Tenderly pecking her on the nose, Leonard added, “Who knows, they’re already talking about starships with room and infrastructure for families aboard. If that’s what you’d want. Personally, I’d rather see children running around on grass, breathing fresh air, and eating non-reconstituted food. But that’s not something we have to decide on now, or ever, is it?”

“No,” Jenny whispered, her heart brimming over with grateful happiness, as she was once again reminded of how lucky she was to have found this wonderful man to share her life with.

“Nevertheless,” McCoy grinned wickedly at her, “I think a little practice won’t hurt. Just in case.”

With that, he brought his lips to hers, indulging in a sensuous, lingering kiss, before trailing them down her jawline and neck, making her shiver and break out in goose bumps, while his hands roamed all over her body in search of ways of giving her pleasure.

And soon all visions of little girls and boys happily romping about in lush fields of green with their handsome, doting dad wearing a science-blue Starfleet uniform gave way to much more urgent needs and desires her amazing fiancé evoked in her.


	57. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It seems that updates are taking and chapters are getting longer....   
> I hope you'll forgive both! ❤️

McCoy entered the observation deck, his heart lifting at the sight of Hope curled up on a couch in her favourite cosy corner close to the big window, nursing a fruit juice and thoughtfully staring into space.

_Literally_ , he chuckled to himself.

The doctor had had a bad day and was looking forward to unwinding in Hope’s soothing presence and her unique way of lifting his spirits with just a few words. He’d had to break the news to one of his young ensigns in the medical lab that her brother had died in a fight close to the Romulan Neutral Zone, which she hadn’t taken well at all.

Starfleet standard procedure was to pass on information like that by official communication via subspace message, but Kirk and Uhura had decided long ago that on the _Enterprise_ , bad news were delivered in person by the superior officer. And McCoy couldn't agree more, although it was hard when the superior officer in question was him.

With Ensign Blair practically breaking down in his arms, it had taken almost an hour of holding her, talking to her, and feeding her some of Hope’s emergency chocolate and calming ‘Tension Tamer’ blend of herbal tea, until he’d felt it was safe to send the grieving girl to her quarters.

Those were the days when he wished Hope were still working in sickbay. She’d always been good at dealing with the aftermath of bad news. She’d have handled the situation perfectly, would have found the right words, softened the blow, shared in Ensign Blair’s pain. But of course, she headed her own department now and was pretty busy there. Although, to be fair, she still spent a lot of her free time in sickbay. Partly because she wanted to spend time with him and support him, he supposed, and partly because she just liked helping out and working with the patients.

With the exception of today, however, the past week had actually not been bad. No, better than that, McCoy decided, grinning at the idea of shocking his friends by unleashing his secret inner Pollyanna after all these years. With Hope’s nightmares all but gone, and life aboard generally quiet and uneventful, this past week had been sheer bliss. Certainly a welcome break from the endless string of minor and major disasters the _Enterprise_ usually encountered.

McCoy just wished he could be more like Hope and actually relax, believing that, for once, things were going his way and this wasn’t just temporary. But there was danger lurking around every corner, and quiet and happiness always felt like the calm before a storm to him. Sadly, that was true for every aspect of his life, he realised with a sigh. Not just work but his private life as well. Hope, by contrast, always seemed so sure that everything would turn out fine in the end, no matter how rocky the road. And she firmly believed in their happy ever after.

So, why did _he_ keep expecting this happy bubble they currently inhabited to burst any minute? Why couldn’t he just accept that he deserved all the good things in life, too? He certainly made Hope happy. Even he could see that. But they were only at the beginning, weren’t they? As relationships went, he’d screwed up every single one so far. How could he be sure he wouldn’t do it again? Or maybe he was just feeling guilty about being so unspeakably happy in the face of Blair’s terrible loss and grief.

Swiftly crossing the observation deck, the doctor couldn't wait to feel Hope’s comforting aura engulf him and let her serenity soak in. The moment he stepped around the couch and looked into her face, however, McCoy knew that something was up. He could feel it, see it in her eyes as she gazed into the distance. Something was weighing on her mind.

“How’re you doing, love?” he asked softly, bending down to gently squeeze her shoulder and brush a quick kiss on the top of her head. 

Hope looked up startled, then let a radiant beam spread across her face.

“Leonard, you’re early!”

“Sorry, my love,” the doctor smiled, “I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. You were lightyears away. Everything all right?”

“Yes, of course, Leonard, I was just lost in thought,” she smiled back reassuringly.

“Anything particular?”

He couldn't shake the feeling that something was bothering her again.

“No, just thinking about things, you know. You, me, us,” she gazed up at him with a faraway look in her eyes, then blinked and focused back on him. “Go get yourself a drink, and then you can tell me all about your day!”

McCoy still wasn’t quite convinced, but went off to get himself some orange juice, anyway. He needed a vitamin fix.

“So, how bad is it? Warp or normal?” he asked with a grin when he returned, putting his glass on the low table in front of him, and flopping down next to Hope on the couch, close enough to feel the comforting warmth of her body against his arm.

“Sorry?”

The confused look on her face made him laugh. And want to kiss her.

“The space you were staring into,” he elaborated, feeling quite pleased with his witticism.

“Oh. Very funny,” she snorted, giving him a sidelong glance. “What a clever pun, Doctor! Are you trying to tickle my funny "Bones"?”

Rolling his eyes at her even worse pun, McCoy wrapped his arm around Hope’s shoulders and pulled her close. Her tone had been light, and she seemed carefree enough. Maybe he’d just been imagining things. And even if he hadn’t, he knew her well enough not to be pushy. She’d tell him when she was ready to let him help. Like she always did.

They didn’t talk for a couple of minutes, enjoying the quiet and just being together. Hope comfortably snuggled a little closer against his side every now and then, and the doctor gradually relaxed.

“You look tired, Leonard,” she finally said, her eyes searching his face intently. “Let’s go back to your quarters and get some rest. We can talk more privately there, too.”

So he’d been right, there was something she wanted to talk about. The doctor suddenly had an uneasy feeling in his gut, his mind racing through possibilities of what might be troubling her as they made their way through the corridors.

“Hard day, huh?” Hope suddenly asked, and it was clear that she already knew the answer. “Christine told me about Hannah Blair’s brother. The poor girl!”

She looked at him with great sorrow and regret, and some other expression he couldn’t quite read. The knot in his stomach tightened further, a vague fear, like a déjà vu, creeping up his spine. Maybe this wasn’t about Hope’s nightmares or recent trauma at all.

“We all know how proud and fond Hannah was of her brother,” she went on, her tone warm and compassionate, yet McCoy felt his pulse quickening as his chest tightened with unsettling anticipation. “If not for you, the news of his death would surely have devastated her. But when I saw you, the way you were there for her, the infinite comfort she drew from your kind words and steadying arms was almost tangible.”

A cold hand gripped McCoy’s heart like a vice at those last words, and he couldn't breathe. This couldn’t be happening. Not again, not now, not to him and Hope. His gut instinct rarely failed him, but it hadn’t occurred to him that this might be about something _he_ had done.

“You were there? You saw us?” he asked, his voice sounding hoarse, terror now taking hold of his whole body as he saw clearly in his mind what was going to happen next.

He was going to lose Hope, and it was all his fault. Just the idea of Hope leaving him made him almost throw up with grief. But then, he’d always thought that it was too good to last. There! He’d gone and done it again. He’d let the way he cared about people and his job compromise his relationship. He’d known he’d fail again all along. Hope had seen him comforting Blair. He should just have shaken her hand and offered his condolences, but the girl had been so distraught, taking her in his arms and holding her had been a reflex action.

“Only for a minute or so,” Hope broke into his train of thought, turning towards him and giving him a curious look. “I’d come to grab a coffee with you, but Christine stopped me and told me what had happened. So I left you to it.”

McCoy’s pulse was racing, and so was his mind, desperately trying to find a way to make this right again. He couldn’t lose Hope. She was his life. The realisation hit him like a hammer. He, who hadn’t wanted to be in a relationship for years, who only a year ago had tried his damnedest to dissuade her and himself from giving in to their feelings, who’d dreaded commitment and the hurt it inevitably entailed like hell, who’d never again wanted to become a disappointment to anyone, now found that all those fears were nothing compared to the horrible dread that filled him at the thought of losing her.

He couldn’t imagine living without her anymore. Simple as that. The thought was terrifying, beyond unbearable. It made him physically sick. And so did the guilt of having let her down. He felt like screaming. He’d vowed to never hurt her. His Jenny, his kind, wonderful Jenny who deserved nothing but the best in life. He just couldn’t lose her.

Before he knew it, they’d arrived at his quarters, and after the doors had closed behind them, McCoy was pulled back to the present by Hope’s hands gently gripping his arms.

“What’s wrong, Leonard? You’ve gone all white! Are you not feeling well?”

The doctor looked down at her, his heavy heart almost breaking at the concerned look in her eyes. How typical of Hope to be so kind and caring even now.

“I, no,” he stammered, hardly able to hold back the tears, then blurted out, “I’m so terribly sorry, love, please believe me!”

Jenny looked at him strangely, concern giving way to worry now, and walked him over to the couch where she sat him down.

“Oh, Leonard,” she sighed, sinking into the couch beside him and gently stroking his face. “Your compassion can be as much of a curse as it is a blessing. Blair’s pain got to you much more than I thought, didn’t it? The poor girl surely had the rug pulled out from under her feet today.”

McCoy felt completely numb. All he could do was nod his head sadly and wait for the bomb to drop.

“You know,” Hope continued softly, her eyes shining with love as she gazed deeply into his, “when I saw Hannah clinging on to you for dear life, saw how much you cared, how tenderly you held her, compassion written all over your face, all I could think was how lucky I am.”

For a moment, time stood still, and nothing seemed to make sense anymore.

“How _lucky_ you are?” McCoy repeated slowly, dimly aware that he sounded like a mentally challenged person.

Hope gave him another bewildered look.

“Yes, I know. I’m sorry. It wasn’t the most appropriate thought at the time,” she chuckled contritely, a self-conscious smile on her face as she reached out with both hands and gently took his face between them. “But I can’t help it, that’s how I felt. How lucky I am to have such a wonderful man in my life. It’s what I feel every time I get to witness your kindness. And it makes me fall in love with you all over again. Every single time. You don’t have the slightest idea how amazing you are, do you?”

It took the doctor a moment or two to comprehend what Hope had just said. But when he did, he was so relieved to see the love in her eyes that he burst out laughing and hugged her tightly to him. How could he have read this so wrong? And how could he have got so worked up about nothing? He really was damaged goods. When would he finally stop doubting Hope’s unwavering love, or the strength of their relationship?

Hope let him hold her for a minute, her arms around his waist soothing and reassuring, then disengaged herself from his embrace and looked at him quizzically, slightly shaking her head.

“You’re acting weird tonight, Leonard. Are you sure you’re feeling all right?”

“Never felt better, love,” McCoy virtually giggled, feeling light-hearted and unspeakably happy, gazing at her in wonder and, once again, thanking the powers that be for sending him such an amazing woman.

He couldn’t seem to stop laughing and, wiping away emotional tears, pulled Hope back into his arms and kissed her with a passion that came straight from the bottom of his overjoyed heart.

* * *

Jenny, tasting the salt of his tears on her lips, was completely confused now, but let the doctor lead her over to the bed and gently lower her down on her back, never breaking the kiss. His eager hands everywhere on her body, it was hard to stay focused on his strange behaviour.

“Whoa, Leonard, wait!” she exclaimed, finally tearing away from him. “You’re really acting weird today. Please talk to me! What’s this all about?”

McCoy slowed down reluctantly and rolled over onto his back.

“Long story, misunderstanding,” he mumbled eventually.

“I’ve got time,” Jenny said, trying to catch his gaze, unsure whether to be more intrigued or worried.

“I’m just relieved that you’re so different from every other woman I know,” the doctor sighed.

“Thank you,” she chuckled, “I think. Go on!”

What did this have to do with anything? She needed context. Leonard was a real mystery tonight. But whatever was bothering him, she wanted to help. To be there for him like he was always there for her.

“Right. I know it was silly,” he went on at last, “but when you first said you’d seen me with Ensign Blair, I thought you’d... well, that it had bothered you.”

“Bothered me?”

Now it was Jenny’s turn to echo his words, bemused.

“Yes, because incidents like this used to bother my exes,” McCoy admitted grudgingly. “They didn’t want me to care for anyone else. Especially Jocelyn would throw a fit if she saw me so much as smile at a patient or a colleague.”

“She was jealous of your patients?” Jenny asked incredulously, sitting up and gazing down at him in disbelief. “The nerve of her, when she was the one cheating on you!”

Jenny was outraged, but quickly relented and fell silent when she took in the doctor’s pained expression.

_Jocelyn. Of course._

So that’s where all this was coming from. She was starting to get really fed up with this atrocious woman who still held so much power over Leonard after all these years. How could Jocelyn have robbed this sweet and generous man so completely of any faith in his own lovability? She’d really thought the doctor had moved past his insecurities when he’d proposed, but apparently, he still had a lot of healing to do. Jenny’s work was quite obviously not done yet.

“So, it didn’t bother you, I take it?” McCoy asked quietly, clearly needing to hear it from her.

“No, it didn’t bother me, Leonard,” Jenny confirmed softly, leaning down to press a gentle kiss on his lips. “But it touched me. Deeply. The way only you can. The way you have so many times before. Like that time when you unhesitatingly shared your cake with Stuey on shore leave. Remember Stuey?”

The doctor nodded, and she could have drowned in his eyes, shining with endless love, and hope, and so much uncertainty.

“Or the time you so lovingly tended to that fatally injured scientist on our way back from the volcano mission,” she smiled, reaching out and resting a gentle hand over his heart. “Or basically whenever a friend or patient of yours needs help or reassurance and you drop everything to be there for them. And every time I witness you being the wonderful man you are, I thank God for letting me love you.”

McCoy gently pulled her down into his arms, misty eyes fixed on hers, until their faces were so close his features began to blur. And when his lips started to softly caress hers, Jenny felt herself melt into him, wishing that he could finally leave all the hurt that Jocelyn and the others had caused behind, and just have faith in their love.

“I’m so glad you’re not the jealous type,” the doctor whispered, releasing her lips, and she rested her forehead against his cheek, nestling into his arms and breathing in his familiar scent. “My exes always resented my being there for anybody but them.”

“Why would I be jealous?” Jenny murmured against his neck. “You don’t love me any less because you care about other people, too! Maybe your exes just didn’t see how much love you have to give. More than enough for your family and friends, and all the patients you could ever treat.”

McCoy wrapped his strong arms even tighter around her, and turned his head to nuzzle her hair.

“Well, Jocelyn certainly hated my caring for others enough to leave me in the end,” he scoffed. “It was one of the main reasons she wanted a divorce.”

“And it’s certainly one of the main reasons I love you as much as I do,” Jenny smiled, lifting her head and looking straight into his eyes. “Your caring and kindness were what drew me to you in the first place. How could I hold that against you now?”

“Have you ever known jealousy at all?” McCoy asked, seemingly mystified, his gentle hands distractingly roaming all over Jenny’s body again.

“Not really, no,” she replied, trying to keep focused on their conversation despite the incredible feelings those skilful fingers evoked in her. “At least not since I was a kid. And frankly, I don’t see the point. I mean, you give me everything I could wish for, and more.”

Jenny had to pause as a shiver ran through her, unable to stifle a moan at Leonard’s delicate touch.

“I couldn’t be happier,” she went on after a moment, her voice a little shaky and trying to ignore the smug grin on the doctor’s face. “You’re my life, I couldn’t imagine ever being this close to anyone else. And I believe you feel the same way about me.”

“I certainly do,” McCoy breathed against her lips, unmistakably eager to end this conversation, his deft hands continuing to do the most magical things to her.

“Well, I’ve got no reason to be jealous, then,” Jenny gasped, stubbornly trying to finish her little speech and doing her best to ignore the teasing touches. “And if there ever comes a time when you’d rather be with someone else, I’ll have to let you go, anyway. Jealousy wouldn’t change a thing then, would it?”

“I guess we’ll never know, because that time will certainly never come,” Leonard said, shaking his head vehemently and looking affronted by the very idea.

Jenny smiled at that, but any answer she might have had dropped completely from her mind, when McCoy’s fingers zeroed in on a particular sweet spot and all coherent thought left her.

* * *

A little while later, a very contented Jenny was lying in the doctor’s arms, her heart filled with tender love, and her body still glowing from the recent pleasures. However insecure McCoy might be where relationships were concerned, he certainly showed no trace of insecurity as a lover, his expert ministrations never failing to drive her to ecstasy.

Listening to his heartbeat, firm and steady against her cheek, Jenny’s thoughts circled back to how easily this strong and confident man was still triggered by some random, innocent remark or situation, so quick to question everything he was and had, even so many years after his divorce.

She’d really like to give Jocelyn a piece of her mind, but since that wasn’t an option right now, Jenny opted for trying to make Leonard understand that he’d never have to doubt her love or their relationship, no matter what. So she brought up the subject once more.

“After all this time, after everything we’ve been through, were you seriously afraid I’d break up with you because you comforted a grieving crewmember?” she asked, propping herself up on one arm, her face hovering close above his.

Put like this, even the doctor would surely see the absurdity of it. And seeing that Leonard took his sweet time to answer, it certainly made him think. 

“I guess, I’m still waiting for you to finally realise that I don’t deserve you,” he finally mumbled, his eyes shifting uncomfortably.

“Oh my God, you weren’t kidding when you said you weren’t very good at relationships,” Jenny sighed, her heart breaking at the lost expression on McCoy’s face. “Why are you so deeply sceptical about anyone really loving you? About deserving to be loved? You’re so confident, so sure of yourself as a healer. But when it comes to love, you still believe that you’ll disappoint at the end of the day.”

McCoy looked like a deer caught in the headlights, and Jenny tenderly ran her fingers through his hair to soften her words.

“How can I make you see how wonderful you are?” she went on imploringly. “How perfect in every way? At least to me. You don’t have to do or be anything you’re not. I’m not making any demands, all I ask is that you let me love you. And that you have faith in my love.”

Covering his face with little kisses, she added, “Jesus, Leonard! You’ve asked me to marry you, and I’ve said yes. With all my heart. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

“Of course, it does,” the doctor replied sheepishly, “and I honestly don’t doubt your love. But what we have is so special, so wonderful, that, even though I’m genuinely trying to let your positivity and optimism rub off on me, I still seem to live in constant fear of screwing up. Of losing you. And half the time I’m not even aware of it, believe me.”

Jenny _did_ believe him, the dejection on McCoy’s face almost bringing tears to her eyes.

“Look at me, Leonard!” she ordered, pushing herself up on her knees and sitting back on her haunches. “I love you. You are amazing. You are perfect. And I’m not going to leave you.”

Suddenly gripped by a strong desire to simply brainwash him free of his deep-rooted insecurities, Jenny pronounced every word carefully, as if talking to a slow child.

“Not even if you actually _do_ screw up some day, somehow. Because, at some point, you will. We both will. We all make mistakes. But I know without a doubt that you’d never intentionally hurt me. That whatever you do or say is always with the best of intentions. You may be a lot of things, Leonard, but cruel or malicious is definitely not one of them.”

The doctor seemed transfixed by her words, and Jenny was well pleased to have him listening so attentively.

“Let’s not delude ourselves,” she continued, on a roll now, “we won’t always live in perfect harmony. No one does. We’ll have fights, there will be tears, and shouting, and sulking, and anger, maybe even disappointment. But underneath it all, our love will always be there. And so will I.”

Jenny pressed a fervent kiss on McCoy’s lips for emphasis, happy to see him so visibly touched by what she’d just said, but pulled back a little, when he reached for her, his intentions perfectly clear. She wasn’t quite done yet.

“Face it, Leonard,” she grinned, attempting to lighten up the mood, “you’re stuck with me for the long haul. Because – read my lips – I won’t leave you. And if you’re still not ready to believe it, I’ll just have to keep proving it to you for the rest of my life.”

“Promise?” he smiled, looking convinced – at least for now – and quite obviously raring to get naughty again.

“Promise!” she said softly, lying back down in his arms, pleasantly surprised to find him so eager again so soon.

And while she sincerely hoped that all of Leonard’s unwarranted insecurities would just vanish into thin air, Jenny certainly wasn’t complaining about the abundance of unbridled love and unparalleled pleasure her little pep talks always seemed to entail.


	58. Chapter 58

They were sitting around a table in the rec room, looking at holos of one of his nurses’ recent home leave on Earth, and McCoy was feeling happy and relaxed. Admittedly, not a feeling he was all too familiar with. But Hope had once again managed to stop one of his emotional roller coaster rides just in time, before unavoidable derailment, easing his mind and building him up to the point where she had him convinced that he was going to make a perfect husband, and the universe was a wonderful place, to be enjoyed rather than feared. The feeling wasn’t going to last forever, he knew from experience, but he’d learned to savour it while it did.

The holos were lovely and interesting, but, like so often when they were in company, the doctor found his eyes drawn to Hope instead. He couldn’t help it, she was so incredibly beautiful. And delightful to watch. Especially, when she wasn’t aware of him looking. And even more so, when she was so adorably enthralled by something. Like now, cheeks flushed and lips slightly parted, as she eagerly gazed at the holos, captivated by the stories Nurse Edwards told about every one of them.

McCoy felt a pleasant warmth spreading from his heart throughout his whole body just looking at Hope. Dear, sweet Hope, who took all his mood swings in her stride, never faltering in her love, just accepting them as part of his personality and, with endless patience and affection, helped him put his fears to rest, pulling him from the darkness back into the bright light that surrounded her. Again, and again. And he couldn't be more grateful.

He was aware, of course, that he’d often been there for her, too. A fact Hope kept reminding him of all the time. He’d been the one to realise how touch-starved she was and had tried to ‘compensate’, although that had certainly been no hardship, unless you counted restraining himself not to cross a line. He’d also been the one to suspect that she had a secret weighing on her mind, and hadn’t given up until he’d coaxed it out of her. And then again, when she’d had amnesia, which had quite possibly been the hardest time of his life.

But more recently, he felt as if she were helping and supporting him more than vice versa. And he didn’t like that at all. Deep down, what he really wanted was for him to be the strong one, supporting her, protecting her, taking care of her. That was how he preferred it. How it was meant to be. At last in his book. Like everyone else, he had issues, of course, but he hated that he seemed to keep dragging Hope down with his. Even though she pretended that she didn’t mind, and certainly didn’t let him. But holding on to her cheerfulness and positivity in the face of his all too frequent gloomy worrying certainly couldn't be easy for her.

He’d have to work harder on keeping his darker moods in check. And with the _Enterprise_ going through this blissfully peaceful phase, it really shouldn’t be that difficult to lay his fears and worries to rest. At least for the time being. Only the other day, they’d even managed to explore some strange nebula without any mention-worthy incidents, let alone injuries. McCoy so badly wanted to be the perfect partner – soon to be husband – for Hope, and not keep putting a damper on her ever-shining love.

 _Dammit! I can do it,_ he thought. _I can be more relaxed for Jenny’s sake._

Then again, he remembered with a fond smile that she thought he was perfect the way he was. At least that’s what she kept saying. And very convincingly, too. Obviously, he had qualities which outweighed his dark moods. And, if he was honest with himself, this steady, healing effect she had on him was balm to his soul. Exactly what he needed. What he craved, maybe as much as she craved touch. Perhaps his subconscious kept bringing his fears and insecurities to the surface, just so that Hope could ease them. It certainly made him feel loved like he’d never known before.

Looking at her now, still spellbound by Edwards’ tales, it hit him once again how young she really was. He’d stopped feeling uneasy, or even guilty about their age gap. Almost. But he was still often amazed by all the wisdom, the insight, Hope displayed at such a young age. When they were together, it was just too easy to forget that she was more than 20 years his junior. Hope was certainly far more mature than Jocelyn ever was during their marriage. Maybe even now.

Sure, Hope looked young. Her sweet face, her flawless body, were those of a young woman. Yet, she commanded authority and respect in a way that was definitely not the norm in a 25-year-old. It was what made heading a department where every staff member was at least twice her age look so easy. Talking to her, you’d think she was drawing from vast experience. And, of course, she’d been around long and gone through a lot, already. But, truthfully, despite having been born three centuries ago, she’d only actually lived for a mere twenty-five years, twenty of them not even in this century.

* * *

Looking at Lizzy Edwards’ holos, Jenny couldn't get enough of seeing Earth as it was now. So different from what she remembered. She’d definitely take Leonard up on his offer to travel their home world next chance they got. Their first shore leave, enjoying the beach and the sun, had been amazing, no question. Relaxing, and exactly what she’d needed at the time. But now, settled in her new life, and with a strong and loving partner by her side, she was ready to explore.

“I can’t get over how much the Florida Keys have changed!” she exclaimed, before realising with mild alarm that she couldn't remember ever actually having been there.

“Didn’t know you’ve been there,” McCoy echoed her thoughts, lifting a puzzled eyebrow, but thankfully not pursuing the issue any further when she chose to ignore him.

She was certainly not going to discuss those strange mental blackouts of hers in front of everyone, and the doctor just shot her another brief, curious look, before focusing on the holos again. He seemed to have got used to her saying absurd things now and then, putting it down to her memories getting a little confused after all this time. And even more so, since her amnesia. Yet, she was pretty sure he was carefully cataloguing every single instance, filing it away for potential later use.

It was a habit McCoy had, he did it with everyone. It was amazing, the things he knew about people, all the little details. And it had saved many a patient’s life. Once again, Jenny felt the thrill of being the one to share this exceptional healer’s life. Of having been entrusted with his heart. Flattered to think that, with such an eye for detail, noticing things about her no one else did, he still liked what he saw. And while, unlike him, she never doubted the steadfast strength of his love, she was still surprised by its depth from time to time.

Revelling in the feeling of safety that surged through her whenever she was reminded of Leonard’s unwavering love, Jenny decided to broach the subject of her flashbacks, or déjà vus, or whatever they were, with him after all. It was time. She still didn’t believe that they were endangering, or even just interfering with her work, but they were starting to actually scare her.

A second name had come up in her dreams. At least they weren’t nightmares anymore. _Phil_. The other boy? Samuel and Philip. Sammy and Phil. She couldn’t even put faces to the names, at least not while she was awake. But they certainly stirred feelings inside her. Powerful emotions. Love, joy, worry, fear, protectiveness. She suddenly thought she understood how McCoy must be feeling. About Joanna. About her. About his friends. About everyone on the ship. All the time.

Was she going crazy? She didn’t really think so. Apart from those ‘moments’, Jenny felt completely normal. She was healthy and fit, and she had no trouble focusing on her work. Or on the things people told her, when they came to her looking for a compassionate ear. She was still a good listener. But she felt that Leonard would want to – and had a right to – know everything about her before they got married. However, unless she wanted him to go into worry overdrive and end up having a heart attack, she’d have to find a way to gently ease him into the matter.

* * *

McCoy was busy filing reports in his office, a boring job he usually tried to avoid, finding someone else to do it whenever possible. But today, even this menial job couldn't wipe the smile off his face. After they’d looked at all those holos yesterday evening, Hope had been brimming over with excitement, bouncing about his quarters like an overexcited puppy, and they’d spent half the night making plans for their next shore leave on Earth.

When that was going to be, he had no idea, but her joy and enthusiasm had been contagious, and he found that he could hardly wait himself. It certainly never ceased to amaze him, how her happiness affected him. How a simple smile from her, let alone the giddy delight she’d radiated last night, made him feel on top of the world. She certainly had the gift of experiencing enough gleeful happiness to fill both their hearts. She always had, he thought, lovingly looking back on how she’d brightened sickbay, and his life, from the very first day she’d come aboard, before he’d even really got to know her.

They’d come a long way since then, and he’d always be grateful to fate for sending her to the _Enterprise_ of all ships, and letting her pass by his table in the mess at the exactly right moment, prompting her to volunteer for work in sickbay. And while the doctor was certainly happy for her to have climbed in rank so fast and been put in charge of her own department, where she could finally work in the field she had studied for and felt so passionately about again, he had to admit that he missed having her around, here in sickbay.

She still dropped by to say hello and entertain his patients as often as she could. And thanks to Christine, she even sometimes miraculously appeared out of nowhere to help out in emergencies. Which he always appreciated immensely. He loved working with Hope, and not just because she was so delightful to have around, but because she was a wonderful team-player.

When every second counted, he could just order her around with a minimum of words, not having to bother with explanations or niceties such as ‘please’ or ‘thank you’. Like Christine, she instantly understood and complied without questioning him or being offended by his lack of courtesy in these situations. Apart from that, she was one of the few he could rely on to fulfil any task exactly as diligently and carefully as he would have done it himself.

 _Speak of the sun and it shines_ , the doctor thought to himself, as he spotted Hope through the open door, approaching his office with two coffees and stopping on her way to chat with the only patient currently in sickbay, dispelling the boredom and spreading a little joy.

Her good mood was infectious as always, McCoy could feel it even from here. She was exactly what every patient needed. Her warmth and compassion were almost tangible, and the way people responded to her never failed to touch his heart and make him feel absurdly proud.

* * *

“Hello sunshine!” Jenny was greeted by the gentle southern drawl she loved so much, glad to see that there wasn’t even the faintest trace of a frown on Leonard’s handsome face, his beautiful eyes twinkling happily. “Taking a break because you couldn't bear to be away from me any longer?”

“Ooh, how did you know?” she grinned, loving this cocky, self-assured side of him. “I actually finished early today. To have a coffee with you … and be in time for band practice before Lt. O’Neill’s farewell party tonight.”

McCoy rolled his eyes in mock-disappointment.

“O’Neill, of course. I should have known. Silly, old, insignificant me.”

Jenny had to laugh at the kicked-puppy face he pulled, the cheerful sparkle in his eyes taking away a little from the intended effect. Just like his brightest smile never fooled her when he was worried, he was unable to conceal the happiness he felt today. His eyes would always give away his true emotions. And melt Jenny’s heart. How anyone could fail to see the warmth and kindness underneath the doctor’s trademark affected grumpiness had always been beyond her.

“Filing reports? You?” Jenny smirked, looking over McCoy’s shoulder as she placed one of the cups in front of him. “Who are you, and what have you done to my fiancé?”

“Excellent question!” the doctor scoffed, as she perched herself on the edge of his desk, taking a sip from her coffee, her leg brushing against his knee, because he’d been right, she couldn't bear to be away from him – or his touch – any longer. “You really ought to be worried about me, love! What was I thinking? I must be out of my mind. Definitely crazy. And I blame it all on you!”

“I thought ‘crazy’ was supposed to be extinct in the 23rd century?” Jenny teased, but finding herself only half joking.

“Well, certainly not this kind of crazy,” McCoy smiled affectionately, leaning over for a quick kiss. “The crazy in love kind.”

As always instantly picking up on her change of mood, he added more seriously, “But you’re right. Fortunately, we’ve been able to cure a lot of mental disorders, and the number of incurable and violent sociopaths who need to be locked away has been drastically reduced over the last century.”

The doctor set down his coffee cup and started to gently stroke her leg, which she hadn’t even been aware was now pressed firmly against his knee, his touch tender and wonderfully reassuring, as he looked up at her with the softest expression on his face.

They’d discussed this before, and Leonard knew how upsetting she’d found the way ill, and especially mentally ill people had often been treated back in her time. And how happy she was to know that so many illnesses and diseases, even mental ones, didn’t exist any longer.

“But as I’ve already explained when we met Stuey,” McCoy went on, shifting around in his chair until Jenny was standing between his legs and he could gently wrap his hands around her waist, “the brain is still a mystery in many ways. There are still a lot of mental issues around, minor mental illnesses or disabilities – well minor at least in a scientific sense, certainly all but minor to the people affected. And then there are post-traumatic or stress symptoms that need time to heal and can’t just be “cured” by medication.”

Their easy banter from before taking this direction was actually the perfect transition to the conversation she really wanted to have with Leonard, Jenny realised.

 _No time like the present_ , she thought, mentally taking a deep breath.

“An interesting field, psychology, isn’t it?” she asked casually.

Maybe she could even get some answers, or some insight without burdening the doctor with details.

“How do mental issues actually present themselves? How do they begin?” she wanted to know. “Can you spot the symptoms right away, or does it take time?”

“Sorry?” McCoy asked, looking surprised. 

He’d obviously got a little distracted caressing her hips.

“I mean, what are the first signs of mental illness? Or are you just born with it?” she elaborated.

“Why do you ask?” he shot back, fully alert again and searching her face intently.

 _Shoot, he knows me too well_ , Jenny realised belatedly.

The doctor wasn’t easily fooled, and she could see that he was smelling a rat.

“Just curious,” she shrugged, trying to brush him off with a radiant beam, leaning down to press a tender kiss on his lips and gently squeezing his hands, which were still absentmindedly stroking her hips.

“Jenny, what's going on?” McCoy asked, undeterred, his voice very serious now. “Who are you talking about?”

“No one! It was just a general question,” she hedged. “Forget it!” 

“General question, my foot! And no, I won't just _forget it_ ,” he said sternly, his eyes scrutinising her. “I know you, you’re not asking without reason. Who is it?” 

“I told you, no one particular.”

McCoy was getting concerned now. And visibly annoyed, making Jenny feel trapped between his legs rather than embraced by them.

“Jenny, if you're worried about anyone, please tell me. Don't you think as CMO I should know when someone’s in trouble?”

“Oh please, I wish I hadn’t brought it up in the first place. Can’t we just leave it alone now?” she pleaded, aware that she sounded like a petulant child. 

“No, we can't,” he replied sharply, his eyes hard. “I ask you again. Who is it? Or do I have to make this an order?”

“You wouldn't!” 

“Wanna bet?” 

And she knew he would, too. Gentle and loving as he usually was with her, Leonard could be a scary authority in his capacity as CMO. 

“All right, Doctor. You win,” she caved in. “This is actually about me.” 

“You?” he snorted. “You're about the sanest person I know! Now tell me, who is it really?” 


	59. Chapter 59

“It _is_ me,” Hope repeated quietly, and McCoy realised with a sinking heart that she’d meant it the first time, that it hadn’t just been another attempt at diverting him.

“Why? What’s wrong, love? Don't you feel well?” he asked, his earlier irritation with her gone in an instant.

Getting up from his chair, he gently took the coffee cup from her hand and put a steadying arm around her waist. A completely pointless gesture, of course. It wasn’t as if she were going to collapse any moment. But Hope expressing concern about her health, mental or otherwise, was cause enough for the doctor to get seriously worried.

“Oh Leonard, please don’t panic! I feel perfectly fine,” she was quick to assure him, looking him in the eye and lightly gripping his arms.

“Then, whatever gave you that idea? Why are we talking about this?”

He knew her well. She’d never have mentioned this to him, if she didn’t believe that there really was something wrong with her.

“It’s only little things,” Hope explained after a moment’s hesitation, gently rubbing his arms, and he wasn’t sure whether she was trying to soothe him or herself. “Nothing alarming, and certainly nothing that needs to be dealt with right now. I just wanted to talk to you about a few things. But now is not a good time.”

“Little things like what?” the doctor asked, ignoring her last words, and going on before she even had a chance to answer. “Like knowing that the Florida Keys have changed, when you’ve never even been there?”

The way Hope lowered her gaze told him that she hadn’t really expected him to let that one slide.

“Things like that, yes,” she confirmed quietly, raising her eyes back to his. “I know that I’ve never been to the Keys, but for a moment there, I could have sworn I had. It was the same with San Francisco, by the way. Several times I caught myself thinking that the Golden Gate Bridge was pretty much the only thing that still looked the same. But, of course, I’d never been there before, either.”

“What about this?” McCoy asked softly, gently spinning her around to face the screen on his desk, where he’d pulled up some impressions from his and Jim’s shore leave on Earth the year before he’d met Hope.

“Yosemite!” she smiled, her eyes lighting up as if she had fond memories of the place. “Beautiful nature. It hasn’t changed at all!”

Then she turned back towards him, the smile on her face turning almost apologetic.

“And, no, I’ve never been there, either. In fact, as you know, I’ve never been to America at all. In my first life, that is.”

“I know, love,” the doctor murmured, wrapping his arms loosely around her shoulders. “I also know that you’ve experienced this kind of ‘false memories’ before, and I’m very sorry I didn’t realise sooner how much they upset you. But please don’t worry! Whatever causes them – whether you’ve seen pictures of those places, read about them, or had a friend tell you about them – I’m absolutely positive that it’s nothing to do with your mental health. After spending three centuries in stasis, your memories are allowed to get a little mixed up with things you’ve only been shown or told about. For your friends’ experiences to get stored in your memory as your own. I’ve done my research, believe me. Read up a lot, on amnesia particularly, and it’s not uncommon.”

McCoy was cut short as Hope’s lips found his for a gentle kiss, sending a warm wave of tenderness surging through him, and making it difficult to keep his mind on the conversation at hand.

“Thank you for doing that for me,” she whispered against his cheek, “but I’ve already had these déjà vus before my brush with amnesia.”

“I know,” the doctor sighed, pulling her a little closer as he thought of the misgivings he’d always had regarding her past according to Starfleet. “But I’m still convinced that you’re in perfect mental health. You may have fooled me into believing that this isn’t bothering you as much as it obviously is. But I wouldn’t have missed signs of actual mental issues, any irregularities. You’ve been under a lot of pressure recently. The whole _Iridis_ tragedy, Calmara getting shot right before your eyes, everything you’ve been through on the _Lexington_ , your amnesia, to mention just a few things. It’s all taken its toll. But tell you what, you go and enjoy your gig tonight, and we’ll do a complete, thorough physical on you including all the psychological tests tomorrow. That sound good?”

“Perfect, Leonard, thank you!” Hope smiled up at him gratefully, the look of utter faith in him as a doctor touching him deeply, the way it always did.

“And Jenny,” he added, looking at her intently, “in the future, can you please just tell me if anything’s bothering you? Right away, I mean? Don’t try to protect me from whatever you think you need to protect me from. I can’t help you if you don’t confide in me. We’ve talked about this before, remember? When you returned from the _Lexington_? And you promised.”

“I remember. And I haven’t kept anything major from you since,” Hope replied, her eyes wide and sincere. “But this is all so vague, I don’t even know where to begin, how to describe it. And I’ve tried. I’ve told you about those dreams I had.”

“You did,” the doctor smiled, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. “And I promised we’d get to the bottom of this together. We’ll do just that, ok? Make sense of your strange dreams and flashbacks together.”

Hope nodded and wrapped her arms tightly around his waist, tucking her head under his chin and nestling her cheek against his chest with a contented sigh. This was definitely one of those moments where she didn’t care about being strong or independent, but just wanted to be held, to feel safe and cared for in his arms, and McCoy happily complied.

He still felt a little angry. With her for always playing her worries down, and with himself for not having spotted them sooner and leaving her to cope on her own. But nothing could melt his heart like Hope seeking comfort and protection in his arms. In those moments he felt as though his sole purpose in life was to keep her safe and happy. He just wished he had more than two arms two enfold her in.

“I’m so sorry I let you go through life afraid you were going crazy,” the doctor murmured into her hair. “But if you’d confided in me sooner, I could have eased your mind a long time ago.”

“I wasn’t afraid of going crazy, Leonard,” Hope replied, her voice muffled against his shirt. “Not really, anyway. I just wanted you to know everything about me before we get married.”

 _Of course she’d need a reason for finally admitting her worries_ , McCoy thought fondly, if a little sadly, as Hope pulled back to smile up at him.

“Besides, it’s only started to actually worry me recently, and I _did_ tell you about it first chance I got,” she added, sounding almost proud.

The doctor just raised an indulgent eyebrow, shook his head and chuckled, “I’ll pretend I believe you. For now. So, go and enjoy O’Neill’s party! I’ll pop by later. Wouldn’t wanna miss a chance to see you and the band perform. Nothing more delightful than to get lost in your beautiful voice and music. I’m your biggest fan, no doubt about that.”

“And I love you for it, Leonard,” Hope laughed, reaching up to caress his cheek, the warmth in her eyes going straight to the doctor’s heart. “Rest assured, the moment I spot you, I’ll be singing for no one but you.”

McCoy hugged her to him once again and let her go after one more, lingering kiss. Watching her retreating back, as she bounced out of his office, he decided to wait until after her physical, and then make her tell him everything that was weighing on her mind. He’d let her lull him into thinking she’d recovered from whatever anxiety she’d seemed to have too often. Not this time. He’d give her one day, then he’d make her talk.

* * *

Jenny thought of herself as a very lucky and very happy woman. She had it all. An exciting life, a promising career, and a wonderful man who’d asked her to marry him. McCoy was the kindest, most thoughtful partner a girl could wish for. Solid, reliable, passionate, a gentle and considerate lover. And he was still her hero, the man she looked up to and admired. Who made her feel safe and cared for like no other. There were still moments when she could hardly believe that this amazing man loved her so much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. 

Yes, she was a lucky woman, indeed. If it weren’t for those dreams and déjà vus. Both the physical Leonard had performed on her and all the psychological tests he’d made her take had confirmed his assumption. There was nothing wrong with her at all. She was in perfect health, physically as well as mentally. Which was a great relief, of course, but still didn’t explain any of her strange flashbacks. The doctor referred to them as ‘confused memories’, but Jenny was sure that this wasn’t all they were.

It wasn’t just about places she recognised despite never having been there. Or sounds, or scents. All that could be explained as déjà vus. It was also about feelings. Emotions, which couldn't be explained away as easily. How could she feel a parent’s terror, unless she’d been a parent? A disconcerting question. Those were definitely no déjà vus. And certainly no flashbacks. She’d really have to tell McCoy about everything. If she wasn’t going crazy, something else was going on. And much as she hated worrying Leonard, Jenny really needed – and wanted – his help now.

She’d been lying wide awake, her thoughts running in circles, next to a peacefully sleeping McCoy for almost an hour now. Leonard had been so relieved, happy with her test results, but he had no idea that there was more than just dreams and flashbacks bothering her. And she couldn't blame him, it wasn’t his fault. He couldn't know, because she’d never told him. She’d have to do so soon.

Jenny had woken up feeling anxious. And lost. And alone. Feelings that were not like her at all, yet seemed so familiar. At least at this time of night. Giving up on the idea of going back to sleep anytime soon, she got up as quietly as she could, got herself a glass of water, and curled up on the couch to try and arrange her thoughts, so that she could explain all of this to Leonard and hope he’d be able to understand and help.

Whatever this was about, whatever was causing all those irrational thoughts, dreams, and feelings, which had become more and more frequent and intense ever since she’d heard the name _Sammy_ on _Iridis_ , she needed Leonard’s help to get to the bottom of it. He’d promised, and she trusted that he’d find a way. Leonard was one of the most brilliant men she knew, certainly a match for Spock in many fields, and with his intuition, perseverance and patience when it came to scientific puzzles, he’d be able to solve this and bring back her peace of mind.

* * *

McCoy was quietly watching Hope from the bed. He’d woken up the moment she’d slipped out from under the covers. Like most doctors, he was a light sleeper. But he’d wanted to see what she was doing, to study her expression and body language before letting her know that he was awake.

All her test results had been excellent, yet she hadn’t seemed overly relieved. In fact, she’d almost seemed disappointed that there was no medical or psychological explanation for whatever she was going through. And those dreams she’d mentioned, as well as the mysterious flashbacks he’d witnessed himself, were only part of something bigger. He was sure about that now.

Hope was hugging her knees and absentmindedly worrying her bottom lip with her teeth, while staring into her glass as if it held all the answers. She looked so small and forlorn, and knowing her, she was probably cold. So, it didn’t take long for the doctor to get up, too, and join her on the couch.

“Tell me everything I need to know, love,” McCoy said softly, settling into the couch next to Hope and lovingly wrapping his arms around her.

“God, Leonard, I’m so sorry I woke you,” she whispered, but he could see the relief in her eyes before she snuggled into his embrace, resting her legs across his lap and her head against his chest.

“We’ve played this game long enough,” the doctor murmured, gently gliding one hand down her legs to envelop her predictably ice-cold feet. “It’s time we talked. Really talked. Don’t you think?”

Hope didn’t look up, but he could feel her slowly nodding her head against his neck.

“Your test results are exemplary. So, why are you still worried?”

“It’s hard to explain,” she mumbled into his chest, her voice trailing away again.

“Take your time, love,” McCoy soothed, trying to sound calm and keep the concern and urgency out of his voice. “Just tell me whatever comes to mind. We’ll figure it out together.”

“It’s not just those weird memories,” Hope started again after a minute. “Sometimes I get all emotional, without any obvious reason, and I feel things that are completely unlike me. Things I don’t normally feel.”

“Like what?” the doctor asked, thinking hormones and going over her test results again in his mind.

There had been nothing out of the ordinary regarding her hormonal balance.

“I don’t know, like, completely out of the blue, I’ll suddenly get terribly worried and anxious. Or feel scared, or lost and alone.”

“Which you certainly aren’t,” McCoy interjected gently, instinctively drawing her closer.

“I know,” Hope whispered, nestling more tightly into his embrace. “That’s what makes it so weird. Sometimes I even feel … unloved. Deprived of any love and affection, even though, of course, I’m not. And neither have been in my old life, as far as I remember.”

Her voice started to quiver, and the doctor heard a suppressed sob before her shoulders began to shake with silent tears. Totally taken aback, McCoy tenderly cradled her trembling form in his arms, finding his own eyes welling up in sympathy. While he was well accustomed to being anxious and worried himself, seeing Hope, confident, positive Hope, feeling lost and scared was heartrending. And more than a little unsettling.

“How can you feel unloved,” he wondered, his heart breaking at the thought, “when I love you more than my own life? When, in fact, there’s probably not a single person aboard who doesn’t love you?”

“I don’t know,” she looked up, her eyes glistening with more tears, and love, and gratitude, and the doctor’s chest tightened even further. “My head tells me that it’s silly to feel that way, but my heart can’t help feeling it. It’s so real. Thankfully, it never lasts long, and once the sentiment’s gone, I can hardly remember it anymore, let alone where it came from. It’s like it’s never been there in the first place. Like it’s a completely different person who felt it, nothing to do with me.”

McCoy nodded silently, at a loss what to make of this, just trying to process the information and encouraging her to go on. Putting all her thoughts into words might help her get a clearer picture of what was going on inside her.

“It’s like sharing another person’s memories. Things I’ve done, places I’ve been, that I know for sure I’ve never done or been to. Almost like watching myself in an alternate reality. And there are very beautiful memories and feelings, too! Like taking long trips, playing with kids, or a dog, meeting friends, or at least what feels like friends.”

Hope’s eyes started to focus again, her gaze returning to the doctor from wherever her mind had just taken her.

“How can I help, love?” McCoy asked softly, desperate, as always, to take away her pain and fears. “What do you need? What can I do when those memories and feelings – good or bad – overwhelm you?”

“Exactly what you always do, Leonard,” Hope smiled, affectionately nuzzling his neck. “Hold me, love me, be there for me.”

The doctor couldn't help smiling, too, his heart melting at Hope’s words.

“Do you remember when it started?” he wanted to know, hoping to find some common trigger.

“Long ago,” she replied, gazing into the distance as she cast her mind back in time. “I can’t really put my finger on it. Can’t remember one particular moment or occasion. It was so rare in the beginning. And so fleeting. But I think it was around the time we had those ambassadors’ children aboard.”

“Children,” McCoy repeated, as his brain connected the dots. “Joanna set you off, too, when she was ill. And then you had this flashback after we’d met Tahira.”

“And it’s got really bad since _Iridis_ ,” Hope continued eagerly, jumping at the idea of some common theme. “There might indeed be a pattern here. If only I knew what it meant! Those boys I keep dreaming about? You know, when I wake up, for a moment, it really feels as if they were mine. But even if I’d somehow managed to completely forget about my own sons, I couldn't possibly have children that old. I would have had to become a mother when I was nine or ten, tops.”

The doctor shook his head. This wasn’t getting them anywhere.

“Believe me, love, every first-year medical student can tell that your body has never born children.”

“I know, I know,” she chuckled ruefully, “But what the heck _does_ it mean?”

McCoy regarded her thoughtfully. Seeing the growing uncertainty and agitation in Hope’s eyes, he tried to jolt his brain into coming up with something useful.

“What if this is not about having children, but about being a child? Might this be about your parents?” he suggested.

“You mean like feeling guilty towards them? Maybe. I did leave them, after all. Actually, sort of died on them.”

“Just thinking out loud,” the doctor shrugged, gently brushing a wisp of hair from Hope’s face while choosing his words carefully. “Guilt has certainly been known to cause amnesia, but that would have to be really deep-seated, devastating guilt, and I honestly can’t see why you’d have felt guilty for falling ill at all.”

“You know, now that you mention it,” Hope said, perking up as a new thought struck her, “somehow this whole leukaemia-stasis scenario doesn’t quite add up.”

 _Hear, hear, my impression exactly!_ McCoy secretly thought to himself, curious to find out what else she had to say on the subject.

“The strangest thing, really, is that I can remember everything about my childhood, about school, about my friends, but not a single thing about my illness or saying goodbye to my parents, my friends. Or even Tom. You’d imagine when you’re terminally ill, you’d want to say goodbye. Or that your parents would be sad, or supportive, or both. But everything seemed to be normal right up to the end. I just suddenly woke up in this century.”

The doctor studied her face for a while. She definitely had a point there. He’d gone through all this in his mind before, trying to figure out why Starfleet’s story didn’t ring completely true. But since Hope had seemed to accept their version, perfectly happy with her current life, he’d banned all suspicion to the back of his mind. Maybe now was the time to go digging again.

“Oh Leonard,” Hope broke into his musings, her voice small and tight, immediately pulling at his heartstrings. “The more I think about it, the more it starts to scare me. Something’s not right with me, and I admit I was almost hoping you’d find something wrong with my health. Something you could cure, something that can be medicated. But what do I do now that you couldn't find any medical reason? I need answers! I need this to go away! If I want to keep functioning as an officer, I need to go back to a normal, restful sleep routine. And so do you, by the way. I’ve been thinking about moving back to my own quarters, so that at least one of us gets enough sleep. And in your line of work that’s especially important!”

“Whoa, whoa, easy there, love,” McCoy cut in, gently putting a silencing finger to her lips. “No one’s moving anywhere. This is the first night we’re actually up and talking. And briefly waking up to feel you snuggling closer is not unusual and hardly counts as sleep deprivation. Quite the opposite, really!”

Hope took that as her cue to wind her arms around his neck and nestle comfortably against him, melting the doctor’s heart for the umpteenth time that night.

“We’ll think of something. Let’s just be happy you’re healthy and well. Whatever mystery there is, we’ll find it. We’ll solve it. We’ll make it go away. Together.”

“I’m glad to see you so optimistic, Leonard,” Hope smiled, heaving a sigh. “I’ll try to be, too.”

“Me being more optimistic than you?” the doctor chuckled. “It’s a mad, upside-down world, huh?”

Hope laughed out loud at that, and McCoy couldn't imagine a more delightful sound. He could deal with almost anything, but seeing Hope lose faith was killing him. He didn’t have the faintest idea where to start or how to go about it yet, but he’d help his fiancée – _mmmh, what a wonderful word_ – solve this mystery and regain her peace of mind, if it was the last thing he did.

“An upside-down world? It certainly is,” Hope grinned, stifling a yawn, then jumped up from the couch and grabbed the doctor’s hand to pull him back towards the bed. “But if there’s anyone who can get to the bottom of all this, it’s certainly you. I have endless faith in you, Leonard.”

With that, she slid under the covers, waited for him to lie down beside her, and then snuggled up so tightly she nearly crushed him, as he braced himself for her freezing toes inching their way underneath his legs, used to serving as her personal heater by now.

 _Anything for Hope_ , he thought lovingly, his heart nearly bursting with tenderness and the need to put that happy and carefree smile back on her face for good.

“I have it all, don’t I?” she murmured drowsily. “A wonderful life, a great career, terrific friends and the love of the most amazing man there is. And there I go and spoil it all by…”

She fell asleep midsentence, leaving McCoy alone with his thoughts.

“Love you too!” he whispered into her hair, touched by her trust and her words of love, yet at the same time weighed down by the responsibility to deliver on his promise, feeling frustrated, because, frankly, he had no idea what to do.

Letting Hope’s steady heartbeat and even breath soothe him, the doctor tried to clear his mind, once more going over everything she’d said, and wracking his brains, hoping for a sudden epiphany.

And then it hit him. There was a way after all. Certainly worth a try.


	60. Chapter 60

“It’s going to be fine, love,” McCoy whispered into a sleeping Hope’s ear, his heart full to the brim with a tenderness so intense, it nearly took his breath away, even after all this time. “We’re getting help.”

The doctor ran his fingers gently through her hair, lovingly brushing it back where it had fallen across her face like a silky curtain, and softly stroked her cheek. He was sorely tempted to wake her up and tell her about his idea right away, but, of course, he didn’t.

She looked so relaxed, her sweet lips curled into a soft smile, and he was glad that she’d eventually fallen into deep, restful sleep after opening up to him about her fears and putting all her faith in his mystery-solving skills, medical or not.

Besides, he was pretty beat himself, and now that he’d found a way, or at least a chance, to shed some light on this whole, obscure matter, even if he didn’t feel entirely comfortable about it, he finally gave in to his own tiredness.

Closing his eyes after one last kiss to her forehead, McCoy started to drift off to Hope sighing contentedly in his arms and snuggling a little closer in her sleep, his heart swelling with love and joyful anticipation at the thought of telling her about his plan first thing in the morning.

* * *

Jenny woke up from the best sleep she’d had in what felt like months, totally rested and energetic, ready to start into a great and productive day. Opening her eyes, she found herself looking straight into Leonard’s beaming face, and immediately saw that he was bursting to tell her something. Something good.

“Morning,” she croaked, her voice still in wake-up mode, lifting her head for a quick kiss before slumping back into her pillow.

“Good morning, love,” the doctor replied softly, no trace of sleepiness in _his_ voice, and Jenny guiltily wondered, if he’d slept at all.

She stretched a little and rubbed her eyes, then looked back into McCoy’s eager face and chuckled, “Go on then, Leonard! Tell me before you choke on it!”

“Choke on what?” the doctor propped himself up on one elbow, feigning ignorance but gave up after a second and, shaking his head, laughed, “That obvious, huh?”

“Only to people who know you inside out and love you more than anything else in the world,” Jenny smiled, loving the way his eyes lit up at her words, knowing only too well how much he needed and revelled in reassurances like this.

“All right,” McCoy grinned, almost bubbling over with excitement, “I think I found a way to get to the root of your mysterious dreams and emotions. Or at least something that might help us try. _Someone_ _who_ might help us try.”

Maybe it was her still sleep-addled brain, but the doctor seemed to be talking in riddles.

“How? Who?” she asked, attempting to match McCoy’s enthusiasm.

“Listen, I don’t know if it could really work,” he explained eagerly, “or if he’d even be willing to do it, but how would you feel about asking Spock for help?”

“You mean help as in meld with me?” Jenny asked slowly, taking a moment to process the doctor’s suggestion, unsure whether to feel hopeful or uneasy at the thought.

Part of her was surprised that she hadn’t thought of it herself, while another part felt that it would be impudent to even ask Spock to do this.

“Well, if we want to find out what’s going on in that amazing mind of yours, this might be our best shot,” McCoy shrugged, reaching out to gently cup her face in his hand, the tender touch instantly grounding her. “Unless the thought makes you uncomfortable of course. But after all the tests we’ve run on you, I admit I’m fresh out of better ideas.”

“It doesn’t make me uncomfortable,” Jenny replied, leaning into the comforting touch of Leonard’s hand, “but I’m not sure if I can ask such a thing of Spock. I mean, apart from clearly being an intrusion on his privacy, we don’t know what he’s going to find, or if it might even be dangerous for him.”

“Nothing in your mind could be dangerous, love,” McCoy smiled, looking at her with soft, loving eyes. “There’s only kindness and gentleness to be found there. But why don’t we just ask Spock? He certainly knows the risks of a mind-meld best and won’t do it, if he thinks it’s too dangerous or not worth trying in the first place.”

“You’re right, Leonard, I’ll ask him,” Jenny decided, trying not to get her hopes up too high, then wound her arms around the doctor’s neck and pulled him down for a long and tender kiss. “Thank you for coming up with this terrific idea! I certainly knew what I was doing when I gave my heart to the most brilliant doctor in Starfleet.”

* * *

“You need to be aware that a mind-meld is a very private, intimate experience,” Spock explained, looking earnestly from Hope to McCoy.

 _And don’t I know it_ , the doctor thought uneasily, trying to avoid Spock’s direct gaze. He’d never told the Vulcan what his counterpart in the mirror-universe had done to him, and he certainly didn’t intend to do it now of all times. 1)

“Even more so,” the first officer went on, oblivious of the doctor’s discomfort, “since in order to find out what you asked me to, I can’t just stay on the surface, I’d have to go deeper.”

Hope had approached Spock with her request earlier that morning, and found him amenable to the idea, willing to help in any way he could after she’d explained her predicament to him. Now she, Spock and McCoy were sitting in the doctor’s office, discussing how to proceed.

“I can assure you of my utmost discretion and confidentiality, of course,” the Vulcan continued, “but I need to know that both you, Lieutenant, as well as you, Doctor, are completely sure about this. That you are comfortable with me gaining insight into some of your innermost thoughts and feelings.”

Spock had turned to look directly at Hope during the last sentence.

“If some of your memories really have been blocked or manipulated, as you suspect, I will have to do some ‘digging’, as you’d probably put it, which means l will need to access very private information, maybe even including personal details of your relationship with Dr. McCoy.”

The doctor exchanged glances with Hope, and couldn't help feeling amused by her blushing so adorably. He silently nodded his consent, making it clear that the final decision lay with her.

“I trust you implicitly, Mr. Spock,” she said, turning back to the first officer. “And if you don’t see any risks for yourself, I’ll gratefully accept your help.”

McCoy’s heart melted when he saw Hope looking at Spock with such open, unconditional trust. She was such a trusting soul, firmly believing in everyone’s innate kindness. Not naïve, but certainly ingenuous. A trait that was as incredibly endearing as it was adding to the doctor’s worries. And while he was aware that it was up to him to protect Hope in that regard, he genuinely hoped that she’d never become as bitter and mistrustful as he’d become over the years.

At least with Spock, there was really no danger of her getting hurt. McCoy would trust Spock with his life anytime, and had done so on several occasions. Although there had been a time, when it hadn’t been easy for him. Unbeknownst to anyone, after their return from the _ISS Enterprise_ , it had taken the doctor a while to even be in the same room with the Vulcan, not to mention be alone with him.

The mind-meld, or more precisely mind-rape, the other Spock, the one in the mirror-universe, had forced on him, had been one of the most terrifying and violating experiences of his life. And even though he unreservedly trusted _this_ Spock, and had been the one to suggest the mind-meld to Hope in the first place, he’d probably always remain wary of having anyone poking around in his own mind, even someone he trusted.

* * *

The first thing Spock felt when he touched Hope’s mind was an enormous sense of well-being. Warm and soothing. Usually, when melding with non-Vulcans, he was met with fear and resistance at first, but her mind was inviting. Open and curious. And full of emotions, bright and colourful, swirling around and reaching out for him. He was floating, letting himself be drawn into the beautiful colours, until they completely engulfed him. Like the soft breeze on a Vulcan summer morning.

There were so many emotions, nearly all of them pleasant, but the strongest by far was love. Love so intense, Spock found it almost painful, yet incredibly uplifting. Love and gratitude for the people in Hope’s life. Foremost, for McCoy, of course, but also for so many others. Including him. Yes, she loved him, too. The sensation was so strong, it made his breath hitch in his chest.

Not love in a romantic way like for the doctor, but love nonetheless. Unconditional. Without any reservations about his alien nature, about his being different. No resenting his efforts to control his emotions, but deep admiration instead. No desire to change him in order to fit in with her ideals, but complete, utter acceptance of who he was and what he was. Spock was tempted to spend more time basking in this feeling, but he was here to accomplish a specific task and had to move on.

 _I guess this is a little embarrassing, Mr. Spock,_ he practically heard Hope giggling, _and I should probably try to shield all my random thoughts and emotions. Only, I have no idea how to do that!_

 _Don’t be concerned, Lieutenant,_ Spock thought back _. Shielding your emotions is not in your nature. You may not be aware of the fact, but I don’t need a mind-meld to sense your emotions around you. Although they are certainly more clearly defined now. However, I can assure you that I find them sufficiently pleasant._

She didn’t need to know how pleasant.

 _In fact, it is most helpful for my task that you don’t shield anything from me_ _,_ Spock continued. _Of course, I will try not to delve too deeply into irrelevant pathways of your mind, but in order to determine their relevance, I will have to venture at least minimally into every direction._

 _Thank you for doing this for me,_ Hope replied, and he could sense her gratefulness, her trust, and her hope that he would be able to help her make sense of whatever her subconscious was trying to tell her. Or hide from her _. And I hope that, whenever you need something I can help you with, you’ll let me be there for you, just as you are there for me now._

 _I appreciate your thoughts, thank you_ , Spock responded, realising that he really considered her a friend by now and greatly valued her opinions as well as her ongoing support in expanding his knowledge of human peculiarities.

 _You know, I’ve always enjoyed our conversations,_ Hope went on, and Spock could sense her wonder and fascination with this new way of communication, _but this is really something else, and I admit I hadn’t thought I’d feel so comfortable with having you literally inside my mind._

 _Maybe it helps that I am half human_ , Spock suggested. _Perhaps it would feel different, if I were fully Vulcan._

He hadn’t actually meant to share this thought, but it had somehow slipped through, and he hoped that she didn’t read it as an admission of insecurity about his mixed heritage.

 _You might have a point there, Mr. Spock_ , she acknowledged, _but since this is my first mind-meld, I wouldn’t know. All I know is that this is a fascinating experience. Very special. But then,_ you _are special._

Spock accepted her words with an inner smile, and was just about to move on into the deeper layers of her subconscious, when Hope added with a warmth that enveloped him in the most comforting way, _You certainly represent the best of two worlds. Your calm logic in the midst of a frightening crisis is as reassuring as your thoughtful kindness. Just, please, don’t ever change! For no one, for nothing. You are unique. You absolutely need to be proud of your uniqueness and cherish it._

Secretly finding himself deeply touched and encouraged by her kind words, Spock mentally nodded a polite thank you, before carefully feeling his way deeper into Hope’s mind, meticulously searching every mental path, door, and tunnel for clues of any hidden or locked-away memories.

He came to several dead ends, encountering nothing but memories of a sheltered childhood in a strange, uncivilised world, almost reminding him of New York City anno 1930, where he’d spent some fascinating as well as disturbing days with the Captain, searching for Dr. McCoy. 2)

There were Hope’s parents and grandparents, celebrating birthdays and Christmases, attending ballet shows and music performances. There were teachers and friends, and a young man who clearly admired Hope. But nothing unusual, nothing that didn’t fit in with what he knew about her past. Apart from the complete absence of any memories concerning her illness and following events.

Trying to avoid examining her more recent memories too closely, so as not to intrude on the privacy of the people he knew, Spock traced her memories of this century back to waking up in some sort of sterile environment, confused, disoriented, and scared, and being examined by a doctor in Starfleet uniform, whose face Spock couldn't recall ever having seen in any official Starfleet report or register.

But even here, he couldn't find anything that seemed untoward, although Hope appeared to have been unsure of the reality of this whole experience, for the longest time assuming that it was all just a dream.

The doctor was friendly and concerned enough about her health and wellbeing, explaining the situation and reassuring her that not remembering how she got here was nothing to worry about. She had been in stasis for approximately three hundred years, and it would all come back to her with time.

After a few days – or was it weeks? – of being monitored in what looked like some kind of sickbay, while regaining her muscle strength and being educated and prepared for a life in the 23rd century as well as psychologically evaluated, Hope finally accepted that she’d really been propelled hundreds of years into the future.

She was taken to some boardroom, where the doctor and two other people in Starfleet uniforms explained her options and made recommendations. One of the men, like the doctor, had never appeared in any official Starfleet documentation Spock could recall, and the other one, unexpected but not completely surprising, was Admiral Dakunia.

Spock was at the point of giving up, convinced that there really wasn’t anything ‘shady’, as McCoy had once put it, to be found, when he came virtually face to face with two young Terran boys, holding hands and desperately looking for their mother. He followed the upset boys through a long, winding tunnel, several times almost losing sight of them.

Feeling Hope getting more agitated the longer he followed the boys, moving forward was getting harder with every step. She tried to stop him, block his way and make him turn back, agitation turning into pain, and fear, and sadness that almost overwhelmed Spock. Trying not to recoil, he gently pushed Hope’s emotions away, urging her to stay behind, where she felt safe, and let him go on exploring alone.

It took Spock a lot of effort to persuade her, having to almost physically shove her out of the way. He’d never seen Hope so scared and anxious, but she finally stood aside, prepared to let him plunge deeper into a part of her mind she quite obviously didn’t want anyone to go.

When she’d turned away, he suddenly felt cold, only realising then, how quickly he’d got used to her warm and gentle presence. Shivering slightly, he turned one more corner, and suddenly found himself in a completely different world. One that had little to do with Hope at all. Or at least with the Hope he knew.

Where there had been vibrant colours before, there were now muted earth tones. A dull, grey sky had replaced the bright sunshine. The mild summer morning had turned into a crisp autumn day. And Spock was sucked into a torrent of random, incoherent memories. Memories of a woman that wasn’t Hope, and yet somehow was.

An older Hope in a business suit speaking in front of a large audience. Hope as a young mother. Hope as an elderly teacher. Hope travelling the world. Hope graduating from university. Hope crying at her parents’ funerals.

Spock’s head started to spin, but despite feeling overwhelmed, he kept pushing through the onslaught of impressions, meticulously filing away as many images as he could, well aware that he’d have to break them down into minute pieces before passing them on to Hope in small doses.

Whatever those memories were, however they’d come to be in Hope’s mind, Spock couldn't just let them flood her consciousness unfiltered. He’d have to retreat carefully, and then devise a course of action with Dr. McCoy’s help.

He’d also have to come clean about having already done some research on his own, and finding discrepancies between Hope’s stories and recorded facts. He’d been suspicious ever since Hope had told them about her past, and these memories, which could impossibly be hers, disconcertingly fit in with his findings.

They didn’t fit in with Starfleet’s story, however, and they certainly didn’t make any sense. In fact, they were completely implausible. Hope was far too young to be the mother of the children he’d seen in the tunnel. And even if she weren’t, as a doctor, McCoy would undoubtedly have known, if she’d already had children.

No, these memories almost seemed to belong to a life Hope might have lived, had she not fallen ill at the young age of twenty. Another life that never happened.

* * *

1) Reference to the TOS episode “Mirror, Mirror”

2) Reference to the TOS episode “The City on the Edge of Forever”


	61. Chapter 61

“Jesus, Spock! What took you so long?” McCoy barked the moment the first officer pulled his fingers off Hope’s face, darting over to where she was sitting, pale-faced and dazed, and protectively throwing his arms around her.

Condemned to inaction, not even allowed to touch her for reassurance and support while Spock and Hope had been locked in the mind-meld, McCoy had virtually been climbing the walls, one step closer to losing his mind with every passing minute. But the first officer’s instructions had been very clear in that regard.

“It has barely been ten minutes, Doctor,” the Vulcan stated calmly, and to his surprise, McCoy thought he could detect actual understanding in Spock’s voice, his suspicion substantially supported by the lack of decimal places and generally rather vague specification of the time that had passed. 

“Whatever,” he grumbled, the veins in his neck pulsating with agitation, then, noticing that Spock looked as close to exhausted as a Vulcan could, the doctor relented, asking more gently, “Are you all right? Both of you?”

“I’m fine Leonard, don’t worry” Hope smiled up at him tiredly, taking a deep breath and nestling deeper into his arms.

Spock simply nodded, briefly meeting McCoy’s eyes, then returned his gaze to Hope, as if studying her. Or maybe he was just trying to figure out how best to start the conversation that undoubtedly was in order now.

“Were those really my sons?” Hope beat him to it, her voice a heart-rending mixture of hope, dread, and plain disbelief.

“It seems they were, but I don’t have an explanation yet,” Spock responded earnestly, and the doctor nearly keeled over with shock.

“What are you talking about?” he demanded to know, but the first officer ignored him, the Vulcan’s eyes firmly fixed on Hope’s face.

“But how could I forget my own children?” Hope all but wailed, gripping McCoy’s arms hard and clinging on to them as if to a lifeline.

The doctor tightened his embrace, wanting nothing more than to be her safe haven, the rock she could hold on to in this bizarre and confusing situation, never mind his own stupefaction.

“You didn’t,” Spock replied, his voice as kind and reassuring as McCoy had ever heard it. “In fact, I think it was your love for them that opened that passage wide enough to let their memory seep through.”

“What passage?” McCoy blurted out, getting more confused with every word he heard, but finding himself still being ignored.

“What else did you find in that place?” Hope asked quietly, retreating further into the doctor’s arms, quite obviously needing to know, yet afraid to find out.

“What place?” McCoy asked meekly, not really expecting anyone to answer his questions anymore, just glad that Hope was at least aware enough of his presence to seek comfort in his touch and embrace. 

“Do _you_ recall anything about that place?” Spock responded to Hope’s question, sounding uncharacteristically evasive, almost as if he were reluctant to divulge too much of the information he’d just gathered, even – or especially? – to her.

“Nothing. You told me to stay behind, so I did.”

“You left her alone?” McCoy flared up incredulously, allowing the strain of being a helpless bystander to manifest as rage directed towards the Vulcan.

“So, what did you find?” Hope urged the first officer, seemingly oblivious to the doctor’s outrage.

“Plenty,” was Spock’s untypically vague answer.

Another one. McCoy was starting to worry in earnest now.

“However,” the Vulcan continued, “I’d prefer to research some things and confer with the doctor in private before going into any detail with you.”

_Thank God, someone’s still aware of my existence!_

“Geez! Will you stop beating about the bush?” Hope exclaimed exasperatedly, pushing away from McCoy and sounding almost petulant. “Can’t you see that I need to know?”

“And you will,” the Vulcan replied calmly. “But the information is quite extensive and rather confusing. And I don’t think your mind is ready for the whole of it yet. There must be a reason for you to have blocked all of it in the first place.”

“Still, I have a right to know. It’s my mind, isn’t it?” Hope tried again, but with less vehemence this time.

The fight clearly having gone out of her, she let McCoy pull her back into his arms, rested the back of her head against his chest, and gently squeezed his hands when he softly kissed her hair, the doctor’s heart brimming over with tender affection and the desire to just wrap her up tightly and make all of her troubles go away.

“Do you trust me?” Spock asked, sitting up even straighter, his tone serious, but his eyes warm and kind.

“Of course!” Hope answered without hesitation.

“And there’s no question you trust Dr. McCoy, so will you give me permission to consult with him first?”

“Consult about what?” she shot back promptly.

“Jenny,” the Vulcan said softly, giving no indication that his patience might be wearing thin, other than, perhaps, it being the first time the doctor had ever heard him addressing Hope by her first name. “You need to know that I have been harbouring certain suspicions ever since I learned about your past.”

“What kind of suspicions?” Hope asked, sounding completely perplexed, and McCoy was immediately alert and intrigued, too.

“Well, when Dr. McCoy expressed reasonable doubt after you’d first told us about your history, I took the liberty to check some facts, and have been doing some research and a number of experiments ever since.”

“You doubted me?” Hope turned around to raise accusing eyes to the doctor, who was busy considering the best way to kill that big-mouthed first officer.

“Not you, love,” he tried to soothe her, pulling up a chair to sit down next to her while keeping one arm firmly wrapped around her shoulders. “But I did have my doubts about Starfleet’s story. You said yourself that you can’t remember anything about your illness, that the whole leukaemia scenario doesn’t seem to add up. And I told you long ago that I couldn't find any trace of it in your blood.”

“You’re right, of course, I’m sorry,” Hope sighed, leaning over to kiss his cheek, “I didn’t mean to snap at you. This is all just so frustrating and unsettling.”

“I know, love,” the doctor murmured, touching a gentle hand to her cheek, her growing distress tearing at his heart.

“Why didn’t you say anything, Spock?” Hope asked, returning her gaze to the Vulcan.

“Because none of the facts I found were actual proof. There was no conclusive evidence. Tim McGraw, for example.”

“Tim McGraw?” Hope and McCoy repeated in unison, exchanging confused glances.

“Well, you repeatedly mentioned that he and his wife were your favourite ‘Nashville couple’, as you called them, and that you loved their music. But when I researched them, I found that both their first ‘albums’ were only released in 1993, and that they didn’t get married until 1996, all of which happened after you were allegedly put into stasis. Then I included some songs from the early 21st century in the playlist that Uhura and I prepared for you. And you recognised them all.”

Hope had been listening with bated breath, her body tense under McCoy’s touch, and the doctor could only imagine how disturbing all this new information must be for her.

“So, it’s true then? I was still around after 1991? Having kids and everything?”

All the different emotions, so plainly visible on Hope’s face, the confusion, the hope, the doubt, the fear, nearly broke the doctor’s heart, adding to his own concerns and misgivings. He’d always doubted Starfleet’s official reasons for wanting to keep Hope’s history secret, suspecting that there was more to her past that they didn’t want her – or anybody else – to know.

“Well, not necessarily,” Spock explained. “There’s a 68.7% chance that you could have heard any of the songs after you arrived in our time, making you think you still knew them from before.”

“All of them?” Hope cut in, her cheeks tinged with a dark shade of pink from the excitement of all that could possibly mean, the good as well as the bad.

“No,” the first officer continued, “that would have been my next observation. The probability of you having heard all of them in this century for the first time is no more than 1.27%.”

“Oh,” was all Hope said, and McCoy thought. 

The doctor’s head was spinning with all the implications and possible consequences of this revelation, and his mind kept coming back to the mystery of Hope being a mother without having born children.

Had she been in a relationship other than that with Tom? One that she’d blocked from her memory? And if so, for what reason? That thought alone opened a whole new can of worms, instantly creating images of all kinds of abuse, sending shivers of fear and impotent rage down McCoy’s spine.

Had she, by any chance, had step-children? Or was it possible that she was in fact older than her body suggested, and actually had had children without leaving any physical marks or medical proof?

“Coming back to the matter at hand,” Spock’s voice pulled the doctor back to the present, “would it be all right with you, if I filled Dr. McCoy in on everything?”

“You mean he can know, but I can’t?” Hope gave a short, disbelieving laugh.

“Well, I _did_ loosen all your memories, but just like when you had amnesia, you need to let them come back to you unprompted, or you’ll never know what is real and what is just a product of what you’ve been told.”

“He’s right love,” McCoy agreed softly, gently turning her around to face him. “Spock’s just trying to help.”

“I know,” Hope sighed, resting her forehead against his shoulder, and the doctor tenderly stroked her hair. “It’s just so hard. It is my life we’re talking about after all. But yes, of course, I’m all right with you learning all about me.”

And turning back to the first officer, she smiled, “Go ahead, I don’t have secrets from Leonard. Just like I suppose I don’t have secrets from you anymore.”

* * *

The Vulcan raised a bemused eyebrow, but before he had the chance to say anything, Jenny quickly added, “Just kidding, Spock. I’m really grateful for what you did!”

That seemed to appease the first officer, who gave her a curt nod before addressing McCoy, “I’d like to share as much as possible with you, Doctor, and the most efficient way to do that would be to meld with you, too. Would you allow me to do that?”

Feeling Leonard grip her shoulder sharply, Jenny turned and saw that the doctor’s face seemed almost frozen in fear.

“To be honest, Mr. Spock,” he said, and Jenny could hear a slight tremble in his voice, “I don’t feel comfortable with someone poking around in my head. You know that.”

“I’m quite aware of your reluctance, Doctor. You’ve expressed your dislike of ‘Vulcan voodoo’, as you call it, several times. But since it was you who suggested melding with Lt. Hope in the first place, I thought you might have overcome your aversion.”

Jenny had to admit that she’d thought the exact same thing, and now wondered what the story behind Leonard’s sudden change of heart was. After all, he hadn’t seemed worried about mind-melds in the least, when he’d made the suggestion. She’d have to follow that up later, when she was alone with the doctor again.

“It would only have to be a very light, superficial meld, anyway. No poking around, as you put it,” the first officer explained, but Jenny could tell that McCoy’s mind was made up.

“I’d rather not, Spock. Unless it’s imperative.”

“It is not,” the Vulcan confirmed, “but telling you everything would take much too long. I’d have to edit, tell you only what I consider the most important facts. And, of course, I’d have to ask Lt. Hope to give us the room.”

McCoy cast Jenny a questioning glance, his eyes begging her to agree, and, of course, she immediately nodded her consent. Her heart went out to the doctor, as it dawned on her just how hard suggesting the mind-meld must have been for him. More proof of how deeply he loved her, and how far he was willing to go to help her.

“Of course, anything you suggest, Mr. Spock. I’ll leave you two to discuss whatever you found in my head,” Jenny tried to sound light-hearted, getting up and smiling lovingly at the doctor, as she patiently waited for him to finish running his omnipresent tricorder over her. “Just one more thing. Is it bad?”

The first officer took a moment to contemplate her question, then met her eyes and told her, “Truthfully, I can’t be completely sure yet, but everything considered, I really don’t think so.”

Feeling somewhat relieved by Spock’s words, Jenny hugged Leonard tightly and whispered, “I love you so much!” in his ear, before leaving the room to find a quiet spot for herself and let the events and impressions of the past hour settle.

If there was anyone who could help her solve this mystery, which had taken on a whole new dimension today, it was those two marvellous men, both of whom she would trust with her life anytime.


	62. Chapter 62

_I love you, too! More than you’ll ever know!_ McCoy thought fondly, following Hope with his eyes until she’d almost stepped out the door, then decided that she couldn't be left alone after what she’d just been through.

“Jenny, wait!” he called out, just in time before the doors closed behind her. “Don’t go! You really shouldn’t be alone now.”

Hope turned around and smiled, then came back to where he’d jumped up from his chair and was standing with his arms wide open for her to step in. She pressed a gentle kiss on his lips and let him hold her for a moment, hugging him tightly while he nearly crushed her, and it almost felt to McCoy as if she were trying to calm and comfort him rather than the other way round.

“We can talk later, Doctor, if you’re not comfortable to do so now,” Spock said, getting up and moving towards the door, but Hope quickly spun around to stop the Vulcan.

“No, Mr. Spock, please stay!” she exclaimed, her hands gently pushing against McCoy’s chest, clearly expecting him to let her go.

But he couldn't. She needed to be taken care of, and he needed to be there for her, hold her and talk to her. Now. She’d looked so rattled coming out of the mind-meld, and understandably so. Even if Spock had been as careful, gentle and respectful as he’d promised, the doctor had to make sure that Hope hadn’t suffered any emotional harm from having her mind probed. From having someone intrude into her most private thoughts and feelings, into her most private self. He needed to know that she didn’t feel violated in the least.

“Leonard,” she said softly, writhing in McCoy’s arms to extract herself from his embrace, “I know you want to help and protect me, but please believe me when I tell you I’m fine! And I couldn't talk to you about what’s just happened yet, anyway. I need a little time to sort this out by myself first.”

She gently took hold of his hands behind her back to bring them forward, then held them against her chest over her heart, tenderly covering them with her own. 

“The one thing you can do for me right now is listen to whatever Spock wants to tell you and discuss with you. So that he can finally, _finally_ tell me what I really want to know. What I _need_ to know. Can you do that for me?”

“Of course, love,” the doctor murmured, still reluctant to let her go but pulling his hands out from under hers anyway.

“I promise I’ll be all right. You’ll find me in your quarters, busy making sense of everything I’ve just experienced, and eagerly waiting for the two of you to shed some light.”

With one more, swift hug and kiss, Hope turned around and hurried out the door. And this time, McCoy didn’t stop her. Going against what every cell in his body was screaming to do, he let her go. Because she was right. To actually help her, he really needed to know what was going on. He needed Spock to tell him everything.

If only he could have agreed to a mind-meld. Quick and thorough, and Hope could have stayed here. Close to him. But he’d panicked. No matter how much he knew he could trust Spock, his subconscious just wasn’t cooperating. And neither was his body. The mere thought of someone – anyone – entering his mind had almost made him hyperventilate. He simply couldn't do it. Not even for Hope.

* * *

Barely looking at anyone who passed her by in the corridors, Jenny practically flew to McCoy’s quarters, only relaxing after the doors had closed behind her. For a moment or two, she just stood there, her mind totally blank, yet overflowing with thoughts and impressions at the same time. She was standing completely still, afraid that any random move or thought might supplant something important she’d learned during the mind-meld. The feeling that every single thing, every little detail was immensely important and couldn't be lost was almost overwhelming.

And then there was this one thing she just couldn't get her head around. She was a mother. Or was she? After all, those boys, who’d meant the world to her in her dreams, hadn’t even registered in her conscious mind until recently. She had no idea how it was even possible, but if they really were her sons, what kind of mother was she anyway? What mother would simply forget her children? And why? What had become of them? Were they still alive or had she left them in the 20th century? And how was she even old enough? She sure didn’t feel a day older than twenty-five. In fact, she’d never felt more like a young, helpless girl than she did right now.

_Too many questions. Too many blanks._

Jenny prayed that it was all just a bad dream, yet she longed to be this mother from the bottom of her heart. Memories were starting to surface fast, and she felt her love for the boys grow with every single one of them, even though they all were a bit of a blur. She had no context, no idea where or when those memories belonged, but all kinds of images kept flooding her mind. Laughter, and tears, and cuddles. So real, so familiar, and yet so impossible. How could she have left her kids? And how could she ever make it up to them?

 _Stop!_ she almost cried out loud.

She had to stop this steady stream of images before it overwhelmed her. There was no use getting all worked up about something that might not even be real. No, Jenny needed to wait for Leonard and Spock to give her some answers. For Leonard to hold her and keep her head from exploding. For Leonard to make this all right. For Leonard, full stop. Jenny felt she’d never needed him more than now. Hoping to calm down, she conjured up his comforting smile, his grounding touch, his soothing voice, and tried to focus on analysing the other aspects of the mind-meld.

Until Spock had ‘met’ Sammy and Phil – _when had she started using their names so naturally?_ – in that eerie tunnel, the whole experience had actually been pleasant. It had been nice to revisit so many memories, to share them with Spock in a way she’d never be able to share them with anyone else, not even Leonard. The way Spock had experienced her past just didn’t compare to simply recounting single episodes to someone who couldn't imagine what her ‘first world’ had been like.

Leonard melding with Spock to experience this, too, would have been wonderful. The opportunity of a lifetime. He always wanted to know everything about Jenny’s past, but no matter how attentively he listened to her tales, he’d never come close to really understand. Not like a mind-meld would have made possible. But, of course, Jenny respected that he hadn’t wanted that. Although she’d really have to get to the bottom of why Spock’s suggestion had scared him so much that, for a second, he’d looked like he might pass out with fear.

He must have gone through some really traumatising experience with a mind-meld, even though Jenny had no idea where or when that might have been. Leonard had never talked about or even hinted at anything like that. But then, he wouldn’t, would he? Concerned as he always was about her well-being, Jenny often felt that he didn’t seem to care a lot about his own. That had become her responsibility. And one she took very seriously.

She’d definitely follow up the mind-meld issue once the current mystery was solved. One thing at a time, though. There was no use trying to get the doctor to deal with his own problems while he was still helping Jenny with one of hers. She knew him that well. For now, she really needed to focus on making sense of her own mind-meld experience. But while she was waiting for news from Spock and McCoy, her thoughts kept circling back to Leonard’s intense reaction.

Having felt increasingly uneasy herself, when she’d followed Spock through that winding tunnel, until he’d finally convinced her to let him go on alone, Jenny understood that a mind-meld could also be a less than pleasant experience. But although she’d certainly felt reluctant and afraid of what they might find, at no point had she felt overpowered or pressured in any way. Spock had been nothing but gentle and supportive, and she’d felt well protected the whole time. He’d thoughtfully guided her through the whole process, just like he’d guided her through that daunting bomb-defusing task on her very first mission.

No, while admittedly difficult in parts, the mind-meld hadn’t been a scary or threatening experience at all. Whatever had Leonard so terrified, must have been something else entirely. And certainly nothing to do with Spock, because in that case, the doctor would never have let her meld with him in the first place. And judging from Spock’s reaction, although obviously anticipating a certain reluctance regarding ‘Vulcan voodoo’, the first officer had seemed rather surprised by McCoy’s categorical refusal, too.

* * *

“So, please spill, Mr. Spock,” McCoy burst out as soon as he’d pushed all concerns about Hope to the back of his mind, trying to fully concentrate on what the Vulcan had to say. “What _did_ take you so long? I was really getting worried there!” 

“There was a lot to discover,” the first officer replied mildly. “A whole new life full of memories. Besides, with the human mind it’s not always easy to tell fact from fiction. And you wanted me to find out about facts, didn’t you?”

“Yes, of course. Sorry, Spock,” the doctor relented. “But this not knowing is driving me up the walls.”

“Understandable,” was the Vulcan’s short response, before his earlier words suddenly hit home.

“Wait, what do you mean by ‘a whole _new_ life full of memories’?” McCoy was stumbling over his words. “Tell me everything, Spock! And you’d better start from the beginning!”

So the first officer filled him in, trying to be as concise as possible, and the doctor’s eyes grew wider with every word coming out of the Vulcan’s mouth.

“You’re actually suggesting that she’s a mother of two, and that those boys are, in fact, her sons?” McCoy summed up what he’d just heard, his voice audibly incredulous.

“I believe that is what I just said,” Spock confirmed, and the doctor could practically hear the sigh that the first officer skilfully suppressed.

“But how could that be? Even if, disregarding all medical proof to the contrary, she’d had a baby as young as, say, fifteen, that kid could have been no more than five years old when she was put into stasis.”

“As I have already told Lt. Hope, I do not have an explanation yet. That is why immediate historical research is essential, and I presume that you would like to help me.”

“You bet I would, Spock,” McCoy eagerly announced, ready to get going at once. “Where do we start? What’s your theory? You do have a theory, don’t you?”

“Indeed, I have several,” the Vulcan nodded. “But I haven’t yet informed you about everything, Doctor.”

“What else, Spock?” McCoy glared at the first officer. “You told me she has two teenage sons, that Dakunia is somehow involved in all this, what else can there be?”

Exasperated, the doctor felt himself growing annoyed with Spock, fully aware of how unfair it was to vent on his friend, but helpless to stop himself. Spock was only the messenger, trying to help. But thankfully, the Vulcan had known him long enough not to take offence at his outbursts. Or at least the doctor hoped so.

“When I told you I saw Hope with her sons,” Spock went on seemingly unmoved by McCoy’s desperate rant, “I failed to mention that it wasn’t the Hope we know I saw, but an older version of her. A version that seems to have lived a completely different life.”

The doctor felt his jaw drop at that last revelation.

“So, you’re saying our Hope has a counterpart in another reality, to whom she is somehow, magically connected and whose memories she shares? Or that our Hope didn’t come from another time but another universe?”

Just saying the words ‘another universe’ out loud sent unpleasant shivers down McCoy’s spine and made his hair stand on end.

“I believe either is possible, certainly to be considered in our investigations, even though I cannot see magic being involved,” Spock replied, then, as if reading the doctor’s mind, added, “But whatever universe it might include, rest assured that it’s not the universe you, the captain, Lt. Uhura, and Mr. Scott had the dubious pleasure to spend some time in. Remember, I have met your counterparts, and neither our Hope, nor the Hope I have encountered during the mind-meld were in any way similar to those ‘people’.”

Despite himself, McCoy had to smile at the way Spock almost spat out the word ‘people’, clearly not impressed with their personalities and behaviour, even though he’d proclaimed that he’d found them ‘quite refreshing’ at the time. Apparently, the Vulcan wasn’t above teasing his friends now and then.

“I’m relieved to hear that,” the doctor sighed, looking expectantly at the Vulcan. “So, what are we going to do now?”

“I suggest we consult the ship’s history banks, in case Hope came from our own universe’s past after all.”

“But you already did that when she first told us, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I did. But with the additional knowledge we have now, we might still find something new there.”

“I know you, Spock! You’ve already got something in mind, haven’t you?”

“Indeed, I do, Doctor. As far as I remember, one of the women sharing Hope’s name went missing for a few days in 2016. It might be a good idea to start our investigations there.”

“2016… She would have been forty-five then!” McCoy murmured, his head spinning with the sheer craziness of the idea, trying and failing to picture Hope at nearly his age. “God, even Sherlock Holmes with his sublime deductive skills would throw in the towel at that. You know, the …”

“I know, Doctor, I am familiar with the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle,” Spock cut him short.

“Of course, you are,” the doctor mumbled, slightly miffed.

Spock raised an eyebrow and cast him what might almost have been a long-suffering glance.

“Why don’t you check in on Lt. Hope, which I expect you are anxious to do, while I select and access the required computer banks?” the Vulcan suggested softly. “I would advise you, however, not to tell her anything we’ve just discussed until we have any of it verified.”

Biting back the cutting retort that was on the tip of his tongue, McCoy gratefully nodded at Spock, then rushed out of his office to find Hope.


	63. Chapter 63

McCoy raced along the corridors with a worried frown plastered to his face, people jumping aside to let him pass, thinking he was on his way to an emergency, when, in fact, he just couldn't get to his quarters fast enough to check on Hope. The whole way, he tried to think of words of comfort and reassurance, anything he could say to ease her pain and confusion at learning that, against all odds, and certainly against all medical and physical evidence, she might actually be a mother. And not just that, but a mother who seemed to have abandoned and forgotten all about her children.

Just the idea was so absurd and farfetched, it would have made him laugh out loud, had it not been so unsettling and downright scary. Hope being a mother, however medically impossible, he could imagine. She had all the warmth, the caring, the love. And, thinking back on the way she’d treated the kids they’d encountered since he’d met her, she’d certainly known what she was doing. He’d thought she was a natural at the time, daydreaming about a life where she was Joanna’s mother, but now he wondered if it hadn’t been much more than just aptitude.

However, the idea of Hope abandoning her kids, for whatever reason, was inconceivable. She wouldn’t – couldn't – do that in a million years. The doctor was one hundred percent sure of that. She’d rather die than let any harm come to the people she loved. Or to anyone, for that matter. She’d proven it time and again. It was one of the things he loved and adored most about her, even though it was, of course, also one of the things that caused him the most worry. No, the only plausible explanation was that this was all just some fabrication of a mind that had spent too much time – centuries – in stasis.

He was probably just getting stressed out over nothing. McCoy really hoped so. But until they managed to find tangible proof either way, he had to help Hope get to terms with all the implications and possibilities. She needed him to keep her sane, and calm, and confident that she hadn’t done anything wrong, that she was still the same, decent woman she’d been yesterday. Because she was. Whatever this was about, she was nothing but kind, loyal, and responsible. He didn’t have the slightest doubt about that. Even if any of this were actually true, there had to be an explanation that would prove her still to be the woman he loved. Had always loved, and would love forever.

By the time he entered his quarters, the doctor still hadn’t come up with anything helpful to say, but, in the end, it didn’t matter, because he found Hope fast asleep on the bed, still in her uniform, her boots carelessly discarded on the floor next to her. To McCoy’s relief, she looked peaceful and relaxed, and when she didn’t react to his tentatively stroking her face, he decided to let her sleep and go back to Spock.

Absentmindedly picking up her boots and putting them neatly to the side, as always fascinated by how small they looked in his hands, the doctor stayed for another couple of minutes, just gazing at his darling Hope. How many times had he watched her sleep? In sickbay, on missions, right here in this bed. Beautiful, enchanting Hope. His heart did the same little flip it always did, when he was reminded of how lucky he was to have her. To be able to take care of her. Marvelling at being the one she’d chosen to give her heart to.

Regarding her now, she looked, more than ever, like this sweet, young girl, barely a woman, triggering every protective instinct in him. Maybe there was a mystery surrounding her, maybe there wasn’t. But if there was, McCoy was pretty sure that Starfleet was somehow involved. They’d put incredible strain on Hope once, by burdening her with this unnecessary secrecy about her past. And he wouldn’t be surprised, if they’d done it again. If there was something bigger behind it, something that would explain all the secrecy in the first place.

Taking the covers from his side of the bed, the doctor tenderly pulled them up around her shoulders, silently promising that he’d find out the truth, no matter what it took. Then he bent down to softly kiss her forehead and quietly left his quarters, ordering the lights out before he did.

* * *

When McCoy returned to his office, Spock briefly glanced up from the computer screen, where he was speed-reading through a whole stack of colourful record tapes.

“How is Lt. Hope?” he asked, removing one tape and replacing it with another.

“She’s asleep,” the doctor replied, coming to stand next to the Vulcan and trying to figure out what Spock was reading, as the words scrolled by far too quickly for him to make out.

“Good,” the first officer said, “a mind-meld, especially when it is the first one, can be a thoroughly exhausting experience.”

McCoy decided not to give that information too much thought. He had more urgent matters to worry about.

“All right, Mr. Spock, what have you found so far?” he all but snapped, his impatience once again getting the better of him.

“Well, from the limited historical documentation we have access to on the _Enterprise_ , which, unfortunately, doesn’t include any visual material, I can confirm that the Jennifer Hope who went missing for two days in 2016, indeed had two sons named Samuel and Philip.

“So, she came from our own universe, after all,” the doctor murmured, for some reason feeling immensely relieved by the fact, even though the realisation that the two boys weren’t just a figment of Hope’s imagination was rather disturbing.

“Not necessarily, Doctor,” the Vulcan corrected him. “I said ‘who went missing _for two days’_. After that, she apparently returned to her family and lived to be 97.8 years old.”

McCoy frowned in confusion.

“Do we know why she went missing? Where she spent those two days?”

“Unfortunately not,” Spock replied, and he almost sounded frustrated. “According to this news article, it happened during a trip with a friend to New York City, where she failed to return from the ladies’ room in a restaurant after dinner, then claimed to simply have woken up in bed in her hotel room, completely unaware that she had missed almost two days. Her friend had gone to the nearest police station and reported her missing immediately, but not a lot of effort was put into the search, as the common procedure at the time seems to have been to wait for 36 hours before taking action. The headline says ‘Abducted by aliens?’, but Ms. Hope is quoted to ‘not believe in such things’ and apparently submitted herself to a hospital to check for any health issues or evidence of having been in an accident or subjected to any crime or drugs.”

Under different circumstances, the doctor might have been amused by Hope not believing in aliens. But as it were, he turned another shade of pale with every word Spock said, imagining all sorts of horrors that she might have run into before, once again, waking up alone and confused, not in another time, but still in a foreign country far from home. Why did she always have to go through such things? If it had even been her, of course, but after her time in stasis and her bout with amnesia, this sounded suspiciously like something that would happen to Hope. It was a long shot, basing their assumptions on a single article from an ancient newspaper, of course, but something deep down told him that it had been Hope. _His_ Hope. And if his years on the _Enterprise_ had taught him anything, it was that his gut feeling was usually right, and that anything was possible.

“But if she returned after less than two days, and lived out her life in the 21st century, how can she be here?” he wondered out loud, meeting Spock’s eyes and looking at him imploringly. “Please tell me that you’ve come up with a different, _logical_ answer than I just have.”

The Vulcan hesitated slightly.

“Well, disregarding all possibilities involving other universes, there is only one explanation I can think of, but which you will not like,” he said softly. “I can only assume that she will return to her past at some point in time that is still ahead of us.”

“When she’s forty-five,” McCoy whispered, blindly grabbing for a chair and sitting down, the thought of losing Hope, even twenty years from now, nearly killing him.

Spock looked at him with a very un-Vulcan expression of compassion on his face, and for a brief moment, the doctor almost thought he was going to give him a hug, but in the end the first officer settled on putting a comforting hand on McCoy’s shoulder.

“Why can’t she remember anything about her life after 1991? And how is she not forty-five years old now, anyway? I mean, just look at her! Nothing fits, nothing adds up, we’re missing something big here, Spock, but what?”

“I must agree with you, Doctor,” the Vulcan responded, lifting his hand off the doctor’s shoulder and pushing back his chair. “But at the moment, I’m afraid I cannot give you any answers. I have already put in a request for more detailed records of the years in question to Earth’s historical archives, but they will take a few days to arrive.”

“God, what am I supposed to tell Hope when she wakes up?” McCoy buried his face in his hands, feeling terribly helpless. “She’s confused enough as it is, and she’s counting on us to come up with answers.”

“I suggest you tell her about her namesake going missing in 2016, and that we’re looking into it,” the first officer advised. “Maybe it will trigger some kind of memory. I also recommend we take this to Captain Kirk. Since Admiral Dakunia seems to be somehow involved, I assume that he knows far more about all this than we do.”

“Yeah, you’re right Spock. Jim needs to know,” the doctor nodded his head emphatically. “And we should definitely contact Dakunia and demand that he come clean about this whole sordid affair. I’ve always felt that Starfleet hasn’t given us all the facts and is holding back on the truth. Might they also be responsible for her not remembering?”

“Doctor,” the first officer looked thoughtful, “Could any of her special medication cause memory repression?”

McCoy looked appalled.

“Well, there’s something she takes for her eyes, and something to strengthen her bones, but they have no psychosomatic components whatsoever. There are also some special food supplements, but no. And then there’s...” he hesitated, not even wanting to pursue the thought.

“Yes Doctor?” Spock prompted, instantly picking up on McCoy’s reluctance to voice his suspicion.

“Some hormonal stuff she needs to adjust to this time that could have side effects such as depression or mood swings, but luckily, Hope doesn’t suffer from either. And even if it did affect her in some minor way, it could never completely block certain parts of her memory.”

“Are you sure? Isn’t that a medication explicitly designed to her individual needs by Starfleet Medical?” the Vulcan persisted.

“Well, it is, but that would be completely unethical. Totally unacceptable!” the doctor was outraged.

“But possible?”

“I guess so, yes,” he conceded, feeling his hackles rise at the mere possibility.

“We are talking about someone in Starfleet wanting to hide something,” Spock went on, looking unfazed by what he was implying. “They might not be too concerned about ethics. Could you find out?”

“You bet I could,” McCoy growled. “I’m going to the lab this instant. But I’d better not find anything! I’ve analysed the substance before, of course. I’d never give my patients anything that I haven’t verified. But now I wonder if I looked closely enough. I could never forgive myself, if I failed to check for some hidden component that I just wasn’t expecting. I’m certainly going to double-check!”

* * *

To his great relief, McCoy couldn't find anything untoward with Hope’s medication, but he still couldn't shake the feeling that there was something very wrong going on, and that Starfleet – or at least someone in Starfleet – knew exactly what that was.

While Spock went to see the captain to inform him about everything that had transpired during and after the mind-meld, the doctor returned to his quarters. Hope was awake now, jumping up from where she’d been curled up on the couch the moment he stepped through the door, and McCoy’s heart sank at the expectant look on her face.

“Leonard!” she exclaimed, eager eyes fixed on his. “I’ve been waiting here for ages! What have you found?”

“Come on, love,” he smiled, stalling for time as he wrapped one arm around her waist and gently steered her back over to the couch. “Let’s sit down. It’s not much, but we found something interesting.”

“Oh tell me already, don’t keep me in suspense!” Hope groaned, but obediently sank down into the couch next to him.

“All right,” McCoy exhaled deeply and, seeing her eyes tremble with fearful anticipation, couldn't help taking another moment to hug her tight and kiss her hair, which she bore with a rather impatient sigh. “Spock found out that one Jennifer Hope, whose age and other dates conform with yours, had a strange experience on a trip to New York City with her friend Nicole in the year 2016.”

“2016?” Hope repeated dazedly, her voice trembling in time with her eyes now. “What kind of experience? I’ve never been to New York, and I never had a friend called Nicole!”

“Maybe you did then,” the doctor softly suggested, gently tracing the frown lines on her forehead with his thumb. “Is there anyone you know by that name? Some acquaintance who might have become a closer friend over the years?”

He’d really hoped that the name would trigger some kind of memory, that there would be some spark of recognition.

“No one I can think of,” she shook her head. “Unless you count someone who I went to kindergarten with and never saw or heard from again after that. But anyway, what strange experience were you talking about?”

“Well, apparently this Jennifer Hope took a trip to the restroom in a restaurant during dinner with her friend, and didn’t show up again until almost two days later in her hotel room without any recollection of where she’d spent the time she’d been unaccounted for.”

“Go on!” Hope’s voice was barely more than a whisper, prompting McCoy to protectively gather her in his arms once more.

The need to hold and protect her had always been strong, but now, with the possibility of a time limit to their happiness, he felt like holding on to her and never let go again.

“Then she returned home to her family and lived to be almost a hundred years old,” the doctor concluded softly.

“So, what makes you think it might have been me? She was only gone for two days, and I’m not anywhere close to forty-five, am I?”

“No, you’re certainly not,” McCoy agreed, cupping her sweet, youthful face in his hand, “but this woman had two sons called Samuel and Philip.”

Hope’s eyes went wide, and she inhaled sharply, but when she opened her mouth, no words came out. So the doctor just silently held her, giving her time to digest all this new and disturbing information.

“But still,” she muttered when she’d found her voice again, “what you’re basically saying is that I’m forty-five and left my kids behind?”

“All I’m saying is that a woman with your name and date of birth went missing,” the doctor replied, his chest tightening at the shock and pain in Hope’s eyes. “But no matter how, or if at all, you’re connected to her, she never abandoned her children!”

McCoy felt Hope sag against him, sensing her dismay and confusion as clearly as if they were his own, whishing he could make all of this go away just by letting her hide in his arms forever.

“So, you don’t remember a friend called Nicole, but do you remember anything else apart from the boys?” the doctor probed gently?

“No, nothing really,” Hope sighed. “I feel I might have been a teacher, but I can’t actually remember it. Can you tell me more about this woman?”

“I’m sorry, love,” McCoy shook his head, “there’s not much to go on besides this one article in the _Enterprise’s_ computer banks. We’ll have to wait for the data Spock requested from Earth’s historical archives. But even then, we really shouldn’t tell you too much, since, like with your amnesia, it’s vital that you remember things by yourself.”

They fell silent again, both of them lost in their own thoughts, the doctor tenderly stroking Hope’s hair and rubbing her back, as she snuggled ever closer into his embrace. 

After a couple of minutes, McCoy decided to bring up something else.

“Spock also mentioned that Admiral Dakunia was there when you came out of stasis in this century. Or at least shortly after. That he helped you with your decision to join Starfleet.”

“Oh my God, you’re right!” Hope exclaimed, pulling back to look at the doctor in astonishment. “I’d completely forgotten about that. Somehow everyone looked the same when I woke up. He did seem familiar at the Academy, but I never realised where I’d seen him before. To be honest, everything about waking up and the immediate time after is rather hazy. It was a scary time, hard to accept that this was my new reality, and I try not to think back to that time too much.”

“I understand,” McCoy said softly, pulling her back into his arms, his heart breaking at the thought of her going through all of that on her own.

How he wished he could have been there for her from the start!

“Spock’s requested records of the late 20th and early 21st century will shed some light,” he murmured against her hair, “and, with Jim’s help, we’re hoping to finally get the whole truth from Dakunia, so that we can put an end to all this speculation and uncertainty. I’d much rather make wedding plans with you instead.”

“You still want to marry me? Even though you don’t know who I really am anymore?” Hope asked, and it hurt the doctor to hear the genuine surprise in her voice.

“What kind of question is this?” he shot back a little more forcefully than intended. “Of course I still want to marry you! Listen, Jenny, nothing can change the way I feel about you. Not even the most mysterious of mysteries. And I know exactly who you are. You’re the most amazing, wonderful, brilliant, and kind woman I’ve ever met. And even though I can’t for the life of me understand why you agreed to marry this old country doctor, there’s nothing I want more than to be your husband. To love you and take care of you for the rest of my life.”

Hope gazed at him for a long moment, her eyes filling up at his fervent speech, yet not seeming quite convinced.

“You’re aware that I might be an old woman now?” she chuckled, but her attempt at a joke came out as a rather serious question.

“Still younger than me, so that’s hardly old,” McCoy admonished with a good-natured smile. “But you know that I’ve always been drawn to your wisdom and maturity.”

It was true, he’d always felt her to be much wiser than her young years.

“And it certainly wouldn’t surprise me in the least, if you were a mother. You have all the wonderful qualities.”

“Perhaps we’re really not too far apart in age,” Hope mused, sounding more upbeat and confident again. “Maybe that’s why our apparent age-difference was never of consequence to us.”

“Maybe,” the doctor drawled, remembering the many misgivings he’d had about their age-difference for so long, but deciding that now was not the time to bring them up. “And although I’m far from complaining about your perfect, delightfully young body, you know that it’s not the reason I fell for you. At least I hope you do.”

All of a sudden, McCoy’s desire to comfort and reassure Hope turned into a very different, but no less urgent desire. And from the way she pressed against him, her hands starting to worm their way under his shirt, eager to touch skin, it seemed she felt exactly the same way.

“If there is such a thing as soulmates, love,” he breathed against her lips, more than happy to let go of all troubling and unsettling thoughts for the moment, “that’s us.”


	64. Chapter 64

Jenny was lying in the dark, her thoughts going round in circles inside her head, Leonard’s solid presence against her back, his arms tightly wrapped around her, the only thing keeping her from going insane, his even breathing and occasional gentle snore soothing her like no meditation tape ever could.

Despite having had enough sleep this afternoon already, she’d dozed off for a moment after their exquisite lovemaking, but now she was as wide awake as anyone could be, her thoughts ricocheting between fearful speculations of what might lie ahead of her, and tender memories of only minutes ago.

Making love to Leonard, and having him make love to her, was always glorious. But tonight, he’d really tried to outdo himself. And successfully so, she smiled to herself, sighing contentedly and backing up even closer against his chest, revelling in the way his arms closed a little tighter around her every time she moved, his endearing protectiveness, even in his sleep, never failing to fill her heart with a kind of love she hadn’t known existed before she’d met the doctor.

It had been one of their mind-blowing nights, with Leonard being unfailingly considerate even in the throes of passion. His mild dirty talk - toned down for her sake, no doubt - and gentle swearing, always such a turn-on and so different from the way he was outside of bed, had been hotter and more erotic than ever. His touch remaining gentle and tender, even as he loved her as roughly and possessively as she craved him to. A predator who could make you feel safe and cherished while ravaging you in the most delicious way.

But she felt there had been more to it tonight. The urgency and intensity of his lovemaking, the way he’d looked at her, held her, almost as if he were afraid it could be the last time. Now there was a really frightening thought. Was he afraid of losing her? And why? She was aware that he probably hadn’t told her everything. Spock had made it very clear that she would have to remember the details on her own. But she’d felt that Leonard was really worried, that he wanted to protect her from something he knew. But what did he know that she didn’t?

 _Stop imagining things!_ Jenny admonished herself. _He’s always worried, this was just his way of showing you how much he loves you, no matter what._

It sure had taken her mind off everything else, just as he’d probably intended in the first place, if she knew him at all. And just what he’d needed, too. Because it was always _their_ troubles, _their_ problems, _their_ worries, never hers, she thought affectionately.

Before Leonard, Jenny had never thought it possible that anyone could take her fears, her pains, her worries to heart the way he did. But he’d always taken everything concerning her very personally. Even long before they’d been in a relationship. She vividly remembered the night she’d told him about that unpleasant experience with her friend’s father, smiling at the memory of how the doctor had got all worked up about it.

And the night after in the cave. How careful he’d been not to do anything that might even remotely be considered indecent. And yet, how tenderly he’d ended up holding her. How safe and protected she’d felt in his arms that night. How _geborgen_. And how unspeakably happy. It was still one of her most treasured memories, one of the most perfect moments of her life, sending the warmest, most loving feelings through her whole being every time she recalled it.

And right now, Jenny was feeling the same way. Sure, she was still scared of all the things she might find out about herself, her past, afraid of the hurt, the emotional fallout, and that Leonard might be disappointed or worse. But no matter what might come to light, she just didn’t see him turning away from her in disgust. He even still wanted to marry her, convinced that there was nothing he could find out about her that would change his mind. Or his feelings for her. There hadn’t been the slightest hesitation in his voice when he’d said that. Quite the contrary, he’d been actually stung by her questioning it.

She simply knew that he’d always stand by her, always protect and help her, absolutely certain that his love was strong enough to overcome anything. That she could always count on him no matter what. Because even without a mind-meld, Leonard seemed to see right into her soul. He might tell her how beautiful she was all the time, and she’d be lying if she said she didn’t love to hear that from him. But it was clear that he really saw past her looks, past her body, and that he loved what he saw underneath even more. By far the greater compliment and filling her with a strong sense of gratitude.

Gratitude to fate for bringing them together, for giving her a place in his heart and in his life. Because whatever lay ahead of her, she’d manage with him by her side. Leonard always knew what to do. He’d even come up with the idea of the mind-meld, fully prepared to face and overcome his own fears for her. As long as she was with him, she’d be safe. It had always been like that. He was her guardian angel.

* * *

McCoy was sifting through reports and supply requests in sickbay, his mind only half on the task, a constant stream of questions and theories seeming to circulate through his body in his bloodstream and ending up in a tight knot in his belly.

When he’d woken up that morning, wrapped around Hope’s delicate, familiar frame, he’d experienced a blissful moment of serenity, his body and mind still tingling with the heavenly pleasures of the evening before. But within seconds, it had all come back to him, and Hope’s eyes, trying so hard to conceal her inner turmoil, had of course only fuelled the churning in his stomach.

“Thank you for always being there for me,” she’d said in that small voice she unconsciously used when she was feeling afraid and insecure, twisting his heart.

“Where else would I be, love?” he’d asked, gently cupping her face in his hand and gazing at her intently, needing her to understand that he would never, ever, turn his back on her, his chest tightening at the almost guilty look on her face.

“I know, I’m sorry,” she’d chuckled, briefly closing her eyes as she’d leaned into his touch, a gesture so endearing and familiar, he was nearly washed away by the huge wave of tenderness it generated. “It’s just, I never meant for my silly flashbacks to turn into such a big deal. But, boy, am I ever glad to have you along for the ride!”

“Never apologise for needing me,” he’d replied, almost crushed by the sudden desire to simply wrap her up and keep her safe, then added with a smile, as he remembered what she’d told him before _Iridis_. “I might not be able to, or even want to, protect you from living your life, but I can sure as hell be by your side every step of the way. Maybe you still don’t get how serious I am about you, how important you are to me. And maybe you never will. But believe me when I say that being there for you is my reason for living. All I want is for you to be happy and safe.”

He might have been a bit over-emotional, a little over-dramatic there, but judging from Hope’s expression and the passionate kiss that followed, his words had been exactly what she’d needed to hear at the time. Something to hold on to, the rock to cling to, throughout the rapids of her past and whatever they might bring to the surface with every new memory that emerged.

Seeing how flustered and on edge she was, McCoy had suggested taking her off duty for the day, wanting her to take it easy, but she’d quickly convinced him that, if he could work his shift, then so could she. Besides, he couldn't disagree when she’d pointed out that the best she could hope for until Spock’s requested data arrived, was to be too busy to allow her mind to dwell on all kinds of constantly changing, increasingly absurd speculations.

In typical Hope manner, while they’d been getting dressed, she’d even made him laugh by coming up with silly jokes about her situation.

“Just imagine,” she’d told him, eyes wide in mock-amazement, “if I actually were forty-five, I’d be older than the captain!”

Then she’d squinched up her face in that adorable way she had whenever a particularly funny thought struck her, and the doctor’s heart had melted when he’d heard genuine giggles coming out of her mouth.

“And even better,” she’d snorted, falling into his arms and laughing so hard, all he’d been able to do was hold her and lovingly nuzzle her hair, until she’d recovered enough to speak again. “I’d actually be old enough to be Pavel’s mother!”

McCoy smiled at the memory. Trust Hope to find something hilarious in any situation, some reason to be cheerful, even when her whole life as she knew it was threatening to fall apart.

* * *

It was early afternoon, when Kirk and Spock showed up in his office, their faces, no, make that Jim’s face, serious and grim. Without preamble, the captain plonked himself down into the chair opposite the doctor’s, while the first officer remained hovering in the background.

“Would you have told me eventually, Bones?” Kirk asked in an accusing tone, the irritation plain on his face. “Or was I just lucky that you got Spock involved?”

McCoy opened his mouth to answer, but the captain held up a hand to silence him and, heaving a sigh, went on, “Anyway, I sent a message to Dakunia requesting complete clarification of the situation last night, and his reply and offer of a subspace conference at 1500 hours just came in.”

“That fast?” the doctor muttered, once again impressed by Jim’s ability to get quick results. “Your request must have really hit a nerve!”

“Well,” the captain grinned smugly, his earlier irritation giving way to sincere concern for his friend and Hope, “I might have implied that I’m not happy at all with more mysteries regarding Hope coming to light, and that I wouldn’t hesitate to go through all the official channels and make this a very public issue, if he failed to co-operate.”

“Good on you, Jim!” McCoy smiled, feeling immensely blessed to have the unfailing support of friends like Kirk and Spock. “I’ll go get Hope.”

“Don’t!” the captain stopped him. “Not just yet. Spock and I have decided to talk to Dakunia alone first. Just the three of us.”

“We have no idea what the admiral is going to tell us, Doctor,” the first officer spoke up, and the doctor nodded reluctantly. “Nor do we know if he is planning to tell us the whole truth this time. I believe it would be better not to expose Lt. Hope to his explanations before we have a chance to verify them.”

“You’re right, Spock,” McCoy agreed with a sigh, grateful for the Vulcan’s prudence and touched by his thoughtfulness, then chuckled dryly, “I’d better try to stay out of Hope’s way until then, because she’ll know something’s up the moment she sees me.”

“How fortunate then, that she will be ‘tied up’, as you’d say, in a meeting of her own until at least 1700 hours today,” the first officer said with his straightest Vulcan face. “I’ve just asked her and her colleagues to help me with a particularly urgent linguistic matter, which has only come up this afternoon.”

Kirk and McCoy turned to look at Spock as one, the doctor searching the Vulcan’s face for any trace of smugness while the captain beamed at him with unconcealed admiration.

“You’re a sly fox, Mr. Spock,” McCoy muttered under his breath, feeling a pang of deep affection for his friend. “Why do I keep underestimating you?”

“Indeed, why do you, Doctor?” Spock replied, raising a quizzical eyebrow and allowing the corners of his mouth to curl into the merest hint of a smile before turning around and making to leave sickbay with a polite nod at Kirk.

“Indeed, why do you, Bones?” the captain echoed, his eyes twinkling with mirth as he clapped an amused hand on his friend’s back, then followed on his first officer’s heels, calling over his shoulder, “See you at 1500 hours in the main briefing room!”

* * *

McCoy couldn't remember feeling this nauseous with nerves since his finals at medical school. But sitting here in the briefing room now, waiting to hear whatever Dakunia had to tell them, it was as if his stomach had been turned inside out. When Jim offered to poor him coffee, it was all he could do not to throw up in the captain’s face.

The sheer number of possibilities of what he was about to learn, all the atrocities Starfleet might have put Hope through, was doing his head in. He would have liked to get up and pace, but he needed to keep calm, and his wits about him for Jenny’s sake. He had to be at his most alert, prepared to hear all sorts of incredible stories and excuses, and be able to sniff out half-truths, maybe even downright lies.

Considering all that he’d found out with Spock’s help so far, he couldn't even begin to imagine what might be a plausible explanation. How any of this could turn out making sense at all. Of course, he’d come across the most incredible phenomena out here in space, things he’d never have thought possible, had he not seen them with his own eyes. And he was well aware that there were still way more things beyond his comprehension than there were cells in his body.

He knew that nothing was impossible, and that things were rarely as they seemed. But he also knew from the bottom of his heart that there was nothing fake or deceptive about Hope. That she was as real, sincere and straightforward as anyone could be. That however she’d really ended up in this century, and he’d always suspected that this unconvincing leukaemia story was not the true reason, would come as much as a surprise to her as it would to him.

It was up to him to make sure Dakunia didn’t fob them off with more fabricated stories. Hope was depending on him to find out the whole truth this time. To get Dakunia to admit everything, so she could finally make sense of all her flashbacks and déjà vus and stop worrying about her sanity. Whatever the real story behind all this, the only thing that really mattered was that she was here now. Healthy, happy, successful. And wonderful. He would do everything in his power to help her get to terms with whatever she’d have to deal with. Whatever it took to help her finally leave the past behind and move on.

She might never be the same again, of course. The missing pieces of her past would certainly change her in ways he couldn't yet predict. But they couldn't change her personality, the amazing person she was. Nothing could change her love of life, her brilliance, her kindness. And he dearly hoped that it wouldn’t change her love for him. Or take her away from him. Because no matter how well he understood that she might want to go back to her family one day, how much more her sons certainly needed her than he did, just the idea of losing her made it almost impossible for him to breathe.

Rubbing his face with shaking hands, vaguely aware of Kirk’s concerned glances, he pulled himself back to the present, forcing his brain to drop all unhelpful thoughts and stop expecting the worst. Especially, since he really had no idea what the actual truth behind all this might turn out to be. He needed to get his act together for the upcoming conversation with Dakunia. For Hope’s sake.

 _Anything for Hope_ , he whispered inaudibly, as the monitor in the middle of the briefing room table flickered to life.


	65. Chapter 65

“Gentlemen,” Admiral Dakunia greeted them from the screen, looking tired and rather apprehensive himself, much to McCoy’s satisfaction, although the doctor in him wasn’t exactly proud of the feeling.

“Admiral,” the three officers returned the greeting, and Kirk added a polite, “Thank you for coming back to us so quickly!”

“You didn’t exactly leave me a choice there, did you?” the admiral frowned. “Not if I wanted to keep Hope safe, anyway.”

“Excuse me?” the captain asked, sounding as perplexed as McCoy felt at Dakunia’s last statement.

“You heard me right, Jim,” the admiral sighed. “You have no idea what you’re getting into here. The sleeping tiger you’re about to wake. This is not about keeping secrets from you. Or her. This is about protecting Hope.”

“By keeping her in the dark about her own past? About who she really is?” McCoy blurted out, feeling even more unsettled now that Dakunia claimed to be concerned for Hope’s safety, indicating that she was in some kind of danger.

The admiral looked from the doctor to Kirk and Spock, and then back at McCoy.

“Exactly,” he said eventually. “Although I can see how that would be difficult to understand. But believe me, gentlemen, you don’t want to open that particular Pandora’s box. You’ll have to trust me there. Like you, I only have Hope’s best interests at heart.”

“If you expect us to believe that,” the doctor scoffed, more than mistrustful of Dakunia’s motives, “you’ll have to do better than that. Just tell us! What’s so terrible about her past, what happened to her, what did she do, that you felt you needed to suppress her memories?”

“We never did that!” the admiral exclaimed, looking genuinely appalled, and McCoy briefly wondered, if this could really all be an act. “In fact, it’s completely beyond me how she could even _have_ memories - suppressed or otherwise – from after 1991. She wasn’t there!”

“That’s not what we found,” Kirk took over again. “We have evidence that she lived on quite happily, well into old age, with only a two-day gap in 2016. Care to explain that?”

Dakunia heaved another sigh.

“You don’t understand,” he sounded exasperated now. “Yes, I kept that from you. But it’s not what you think, I did it for Hope. And we certainly never did anything to supress her memories. We simply assumed she’d only remember her life up to her physical age. That she might have memories after that didn’t even occur to us!”

“You are talking in riddles, Sir, as the human expression goes,” Spock spoke up, clearly sensing that Kirk’s and McCoy’s rather emotional approach wasn’t getting them anywhere. “May I ask you to be more precise?”

The admiral nodded reluctantly.

“All right,” he muttered under his breath, “never mind Pandora or that sleeping tiger. You’ve asked me for the truth about Hope, and I’ll give you as much as I can. This whole matter is strictly classified, after all.”

“Oh please, don’t hide behind the ‘classified’ excuse,” McCoy cut in, getting tired of watching Dakunia beating around the bush, stalling for time. “Surely, Hope would be given access to her own files, if she requested it? Why not just tell us the whole truth now and save us the trouble of opening an official investigation?”

“You might want to think twice before doing anything rash, Doctor,” the admiral replied, sounding calmer than he looked, his intense gaze somewhere between a warning and a plea. “Unless you wish Hope to live the life of a lab rat or worse. Because that’s what I’ve been trying to prevent all this time.”

McCoy’s jaw dropped.

_The life of a lab rat? What’s the man even talking about?_

But then Hope’s allegedly cured leukaemia, which inexplicably hadn’t left the slightest trace in her system, suddenly came to mind, as well as her mysterious immunity to that nasty virus, an explanation for which he still had to find in her blood, and the doctor felt his own blood run cold.

“I’ve come to know Hope as a very bright and lovely young woman,” Dakunia went on, “and I wouldn’t want to see her unhappy any more than you do, gentlemen. So, let’s make a deal. I tell you as much as I possibly can, and you drop all further investigation into this matter for the sake of your lieutenant.”

McCoy looked uncertainly at Kirk, his heart pounding hard against his ribs.

“You know I can’t agree to that,” the captain said determinedly. “Not until I can be sure that it really is in Hope’s best interest. That’s what we all truly care about, isn’t it?”

“Fair enough,” the admiral relented. “But before we start, I need to know more about those strange memories Hope has. Because it really shouldn’t be possible. At least not scientifically.”

“What she remembers foremost, are her children,” Spock answered Dakunia’s question, and McCoy wanted to kick him.

Why did the damn Vulcan always have to be so honest? Didn’t he see that instead of answering their questions, the admiral was trying to extract more information from them?

As if sensing the doctor’s thoughts, Spock cast McCoy a cautionary glance, prompting him to keep his mouth shut. Heaven knew, the first officer usually had good reasons for his actions, and the doctor dearly hoped that today wasn’t an exception.

Dakunia took his time to consider Spock’s words. And when he finally murmured, “I see, but we’d better keep this to ourselves for now!” before finally launching into a more thorough explanation of Hope’s situation, McCoy had to admit that giving away this small piece of information had actually done the trick.

* * *

“Okay, so, this whole affair actually started almost a century ago,” Dakunia began hesitantly, pausing to take a sip from his coffee, “when Starfleet’s Section 31 set out on a time travel mission back to the year 2016.” 1)

“Wait a minute!” McCoy cut him short. “You’ve lost me already. Section 31? Since when is there a Section 31?”

“There isn’t,” Kirk said flatly, and the doctor didn’t miss Jim tensing up and shooting Dakunia an almost challenging look.

“You’re right, of course, Jim,” Dakunia agreed, his face grave now, “there isn’t. Yet, I’m their contact in Starfleet Intelligence.”

McCoy felt a cold shiver run down his spine. Starfleet Intelligence? All of a sudden, this whole business sounded huge. And ominous. When had finding out about Hope’s past turned into a major – terrifying – affair?

“Can anyone please enlighten me?” he barked, trying to keep his voice from cracking as he glanced questioningly from Dakunia to his friends. “Is there, or isn’t there a Section 31, and who are they, anyway?”

“Well,” Spock turned to the doctor, when the admiral didn’t offer an explanation, “there have been rumours about a secret branch of Starfleet Intelligence referred to as Section 31. But it is all hearsay, and to my knowledge, nothing has ever been confirmed.”

“Not just secret, Spock,” Kirk added, hard eyes on Dakunia, “but gone rogue. And certainly not a crowd you’d want to get involved with.”

McCoy’s alarm was growing at warp speed, and so was the knot in his stomach.

“Enough, dammit!” he hissed, glaring first at Jim, and then at Dakunia. “So, there is a Section 31. I get it. For God’s sake, just tell us who they are and what the hell Hope’s got to do with them!”

“I will, if you stop interrupting me,” the admiral said mildly, his eyes fixed on McCoy with something almost akin to compassion. “Let’s just say that Section 31 has been taking care of potential threats to the Federation since the middle of the last century.”

“Are you saying that Hope was a threat to the Federation?” the doctor was gaping at Dakunia in shocked disbelief.

So much for not interrupting. But this was truly outrageous! 

“Not to begin with,” the admiral went on, unperturbed, “but unfortunately, she interfered with a mission of keeping some time-travelling fanatic from meddling with the politics of the time. Something about presidential elections that year. I can’t give you details, but that fanatic was the actual threat, and Section 31 was to prevent him from carrying out his plan. Regrettably, even today, most people still don’t get that changing past events, however understandable, or even commendable, the wish to do so might be, affects all of history. That it’s not about right or wrong, but about leaving everything exactly the way it was in order to preserve our timeline.”

_And how well we know that!_ McCoy thought sadly, exchanging glances with Kirk, who was quite obviously thinking the same thing, the doctor’s own pain clearly reflected in Jim’s eyes, as they both remembered that awful day they’d had to watch Edith Keeler die in the name of restoring history. 2)

“And where exactly does Hope come in?” Kirk asked, his grief turning into impatience. “The mission was successful after all, I take it?”

“You don’t have to concern yourself with that, Jim,” Dakunia replied curtly. “Suffice it to say that Hope was at the wrong place at the wrong time, trying to be a hero.”

Hearing that, McCoy was gripped by a terrible sense of foreboding, picturing Hope in a similar situation to the one he’d been in with Edith. He’d never forget how he’d felt when Jim had deliberately held him back from saving the woman, whose expression of surprised disbelief, as the car hit her, would forever be etched in his mind. It may have been a ‘necessary’ sacrifice, but the guilt would stay with him as long as he lived. Just like the question of who was to decide what was necessary, which timeline to preserve, in the first place.

“She didn’t have the faintest idea of what she’d stumbled into, of course,” Dakunia went on, oblivious of Kirk’s and McCoy’s painful memories. “All she saw was a young man of colour, as they still called them then, in trouble, being attacked near the back door of a diner in New York City. So she went to help him, nearly ruining the mission and getting herself killed in the process.”

McCoy froze in horror, registering Kirk’s equally shocked gasp right next to him.

“Her wounds were too severe to be successfully treated in the early 21st century,” the admiral continued, “therefore, not knowing who she was and how her death would affect history, the agents took her aboard their ship and back to 2191, the year they’d started from.”

A cold hand seemed to squeeze McCoy’s heart, as it hit him how close Hope had come to ending up as just another random murder victim, another dead body in the backstreets of then still barbaric New York City, and he felt hot anger rise inside him, when he realised that it hadn’t been concern for her life, but simply fear of her death somehow altering history, that had led to her rescue.

And all just because she’d wanted to help someone. So very Hope. Tears stung at the back of his eyes, even as a strong sense of pride and affection surged through him, when it struck him that trying to help others was probably still going to be the most likely cause of death for Hope.

“What happened then?” Spock asked, seeing that his friends had apparently lost the power of speech.

“Well, Hope was kept sedated until her health was fully restored, and the plan was to simply return her to her own time. Unfortunately, however, due to some technical glitch that’s difficult for us to reconstruct, they not only took her back exactly 200 years instead of the intended 175, but after realising they’d arrived in the wrong time, somehow ended up beaming an additional twenty-year-old version of Hope back up to their ship. To this day, we haven’t been able to determine with certainty, whether this was the consequence of some strange transporter malfunction, some time-anomaly, a rift in the space-time continuum at the exact time of the beam-up, or the fact that Hope had been brought to a time where a younger version of her already existed. The latter seemed the most likely explanation at the time, since the ship’s sensors hadn’t picked up any anomalies, and they couldn't find anything wrong with the transporter, either. So, on discovering that the young woman was, in fact, a duplicate, with her alter ego still on the surface, completely unaware and happily going about her life on Earth in 1991, they took both versions of Hope back to 2191 to deal with, and possibly even undo the chaos they’d created.”

McCoy’s head was spinning, when Dakunia finally paused to give the three officers time to let his words sink in, and from the frowns of concentration on his friends’ faces, the doctor could tell that even Spock had a hard time keeping track of events and processing this whole, preposterous tale.

If he’d been floored by Hope’s original story of spending three hundred years in stasis to be cured of leukaemia, this revised version certainly threw him for a loop. Yet, the doctor felt in his heart, that, this time, Dakunia had told the truth.

_Jenny, a duplicate? Some kind of clone?_

McCoy didn’t know what to make of this, couldn't even begin to grasp this new concept and all its possible ramifications, or what it could possibly mean for Hope to find out. Let alone how he was supposed to tell her. Just the thought of how this would affect her, frighten her, turn her whole world upside down and put everything she believed in into question, broke his heart. Hell, he had no idea how to even deal with this himself!

_Pandora’s box, indeed!_

Hope was the most kind-hearted and giving person he knew. She’d never harmed anyone in her life, only ever brought joy and happiness into other people’s lives, always trying to help in her sweet, caring way. So, why was nothing ever easy for her? Why did she have to go through one traumatic experience after the other? Why was her life a never-ending stream of unpleasant surprises?

Despite being aware that she didn’t even know about any of this yet, all McCoy wanted to do at that moment was to go find her. To be with her, hold her, comfort her, protect her. Make sure that this was the last time she’d ever have to go through something like this.

But Dakunia wasn’t done yet. By the looks of him, he still had a lot more to say. How much worse could it get? The doctor felt like running off and taking Hope to the nearest inhabitable planet to hide there from all further news. Just the two of them, together forever, living a simple and quiet life. But things weren’t that simple, were they?

“In the end,” the admiral broke into McCoy’s thoughts, “they managed to take Hope, the original version, back to 2016, leaving a two-day-safety margin, so as not to repeat a possible duplication effect, and making sure that she could go on living her life the way she was meant to.”

“And what about the ‘duplicate’?” McCoy asked, his voice barely more than a whisper, desperate to know, yet not sure he was ready to hear the details of what they’d done to his darling Hope.

* * *

1) I borrowed Section 31 from DS9.  
2) Reference to the TOS episode “The City on the Edge of Forever”


	66. Chapter 66

“Well,” Dakunia sighed, “they couldn't just return her to her own time, for obvious reasons, but they were still hoping to find a way to somehow reverse the effect and ‘reintegrate’ her. So they spun her a tale about some rare and aggressive kind of leukaemia, conveniently one that caused hallucinations and blackouts, and kept her isolated and mostly sedated to perform all kinds of medical tests on her, while Starfleet’s finest engineers and scientists were working on the technical side of things. She never even realised she’d been catapulted two centuries into the future. A hospital will always look like a hospital, I guess.”

McCoy didn’t appreciate the admiral’s weak attempt at humour. He was beyond appalled. Just the thought of how lost and scared Hope must have felt, finding herself hospitalised and faced with a deadly disease without so much as her family around for support, was breaking his heart. Yet, he tried to keep focused on Dakunia’s account, pushing aside all images of Hope being ‘medically tested’ with the means and methods of a century ago.

“When they still weren’t any closer to a breakthrough a couple of weeks later,” the admiral went on quietly, clearly avoiding to meet anyone’s eye now, “they decided to put her in stasis for the time being. With no danger of her disappearance causing harm to our timeline, she was little more than collateral damage to them. Basically, all Starfleet did was to have time travel prohibited altogether, and then, as time went by and other projects took priority, all but forgot about Hope, leaving her ‘shelved’, in case someone stumbled on a solution one day.”

By now, McCoy’s blood was boiling with helpless rage and disgust, and he was hardly able to keep the angry tears at bay, that were starting to form in his eyes. This kind and wonderful woman, who meant the world to him, who’d been put in this terrible and frightening position through no fault of her own, who’d depended on these people’s help and care, and, knowing her, probably trustingly so, had simply been dismissed as collateral damage. Low priority. Deprived of all human rights, of a life. _Shelved!_

“Like some goddamn specimen!” he snarled, casting a dismayed glance at Kirk, and finding a bit of comfort in seeing his friend’s face darken with the same outrage he felt.

“You’d really think that people, _Starfleet_ , less than a century ago would have been more enlightened,” the captain snapped, glaring at Dakunia. “What way is that to treat a life?”

“I know, Jim,” the admiral responded dejectedly, eyes still cast down. “What can I say? The first I ever heard about any of this, was only after you’d successfully restored Captain John Christopher to his own time, and Hope was taken out of stasis to be restored to her time in the same way.” 1)

Even Spock was leaning forward in his chair now, clearly intrigued, and possibly appalled, by all the unexpected turns Dakunia’s account of Hope’s past had taken.

“Needless to say, it didn’t work out,” Dakunia continued, grimacing. “Apparently, Hope’s case is not comparable to Christopher’s after all. So, suddenly finding myself in charge of the highly classified ‘Hope Project’, there was no way I was allowing the scared girl to be put back in stasis, of course. But I didn’t want to condemn her to a life as guinea pig, a specimen as you called it, Doctor, either.”

The admiral’s eyes found McCoy’s, conveying what seemed to be genuine concern for Hope.

“She’s so young and brilliant, far too precious to be regarded as some sort of experiment, some unexplored life form. But then, of course, no one deserves to spend their life as a lab rat. Luckily, records weren’t kept as diligently in the last century as they’re now, ensuring that only a handful of people knew about Hope and the closer circumstances surrounding her in the first place. So, I was able to spare her that fate. Up to now, that is.”

McCoy had been hanging on every word the admiral had said and was struggling to find his voice, his mouth dry as a Vulcan desert, and his heart threatening to pound its way out of his chest. He was far from ready to forgive Dakunia yet, but he did feel more lenient towards him than only minutes ago.

“So, you stuck to this hare-brained leukaemia story,” the doctor rasped. “And you weren’t entirely lying, when you told her that keeping shtum about it all was for her best. In fact, you most probably _did_ save her from a miserable existence and gave her the chance to actually live. Shame you forgot to consider what keeping all of this to herself would do to her psychologically. Emotionally.”

“I’m sorry about that, Doctor,” the admiral acknowledged remorsefully, “and I’ve felt guilty about it ever since we last talked more than a year ago. But I’m no psychologist, and Hope always seemed to take everything in her stride, happy, in fact, to be here and alive, eager to make the most of her ‘second chance’. And when she turned out a gifted linguist and an impressively quick study to boot, I suggested a career in Starfleet for her, convincing everyone else in the know that this would give her the opportunity to live a normal life, while still making it possible for us to keep a close eye on her.”

Through all the pain McCoy felt on Hope’s behalf, he also felt a sudden surge of gratitude. To Dakunia, and to fate, for bringing her to the _Enterprise_ and into his life. For giving him the chance to take care of her. To ease and maybe even make up for some of the emotional hurt that had been inflicted on her.

“But how could you keep the truth even from her?” Kirk wanted to know, looking accusingly at Dakunia.

“I,” the admiral hesitated, looking a little embarrassed, “thought it kinder not to tell her. A mistake, maybe. But she wasn’t aware that almost a century had passed since her initial tests, and we never anticipated her to remember anything past her physical age to contradict our version of her history. Another mistake, obviously, and the very reason I had to contact you immediately. Because if word comes out, it will not only pique the interest of scientists throughout the Federation and beyond, but it will also bring her back to the attention of Section 31. So far, she’s been classified as ‘inconsequential’. But now that those memories have emerged, who knows what other surprises are lying dormant within her. Section 31 doesn’t like the ‘unknown’, and they certainly don’t like ‘loose ends’.

McCoy felt a chill running down his spine, the implications of what the admiral had just casually mentioned too terrifying to even consider.

“So, that would leave exploring the phenomenon and monitoring its effects on Hope to us here on the _Enterprise_ , I assume?” Spock spoke up. “Since those memories exist, and are surfacing, they cannot simply be ignored. But we can certainly limit knowledge of Lt. Hope’s personal circumstances to a minimum of confidants.”

“Thank you, Mr. Spock,” Dakunia was actually smiling now. “That’s exactly what I was hoping for. I have no idea how, but she must still have been connected to her counterpart in some way after the separation. All I know is that when we first talked to her, she was just a young girl, who simply wanted to go back to her parents, her friends, to university.”

McCoy had to close his eyes and clench his teeth hard not to lose his poise. Remembering the timid girl sitting on his biobed during her first physical, he could just picture Hope shyly asking to go home, only to learn that that would never be possible again. Had anyone even bothered to comfort her then? To tell her that she’d be all right? That she’d be taken care of? Maybe even taken her in their arms and held her for a minute? He guessed not. It was more likely that she’d just been given the cold facts, and then been left to come to terms with her new situation on her own. No wonder she’d never wanted to talk about those first few days and weeks. All the love and security he could give her would never be enough to make up for what she’d been through.

“Perhaps the part of her, that already existed in 1991, was somehow extracted, yet retained echoes of her older self’s mind,” Spock mused, all eyes on him now. “A mirror, or an image of what Vulcans would call her ‘katra’, maybe.”

“Does she have any memories beyond 2016?” the admiral asked on impulse.

“We have no idea, she’s barely begun to remember the time before!” McCoy grumbled irritably, struggling to keep from breaking down under all the new fears and worries he’d just been burdened with, in front of the others.

It was still going to happen, of course, once he’d had time to actually digest everything Dakunia had told them. Although it had better not. He couldn't afford to break down, not when Hope needed him most. He’d have to be strong for her. His amazing fiancée had been nothing but strong ever since she’d woken up in this century, but even she had her limits. Now it was his turn to be strong for her.

“What we do know,” Spock offered, “is that, apart from the love for her children, she remembers places, music, literature, basically all innocuous, positive or neutral, non-personal things after 1991.”

“I’m no expert, and no psychologist, as we’ve already established, but has it occurred to you that Hope herself might have repressed her personal memories for some reason?” the admiral ventured a guess. “Maybe because she’s much happier in her new life and wouldn’t even want to go back? I, for one, am very glad that she’s found a new home on the _Enterprise_ and has your unfailing support, gentlemen. She certainly deserves it. And I certainly made the right decision, when I saw her disappointment at not being cleared for starship duty and, knowing what an asset she would be to your crew, entrusted her to you, Jim.”

“You actually care for her, don’t you?” McCoy asked, suddenly seeing the admiral with new eyes, and feeling genuinely grateful for everything he’d done for Hope.

“I do,” Dakunia confessed softly. “She impressed the hell out of me the first time I met her.”

 _Same here_ , the doctor thought fondly.

“This girl,” the admiral went on, smiling at the memory, “this slip of a thing, disoriented, fragile, lost and scared, cut off from everything and everyone she’d known. Yet, underneath that vulnerability, there was this feistiness, this boundless strength and optimism. The determination to keep going, holding her head high, eager to learn and make the best of her situation. Dead set on seeing everything as an adventure rather than a misfortune. And never an angry word, no self-pity, no looking for someone to blame. No, she was always friendly and polite, always accommodating. She never once doubted the leukaemia story either, and even thanked us for curing her. That really made me feel uncomfortable, believe me. So, I made it my mission to help her in any way I could. To make it possible for her to live the life she deserved. And finding her such a brilliant, talented young lady made things easier, of course. I just couldn’t let some random, ancient medical issues take away her chances.”

For the first time since the beginning of their conference, McCoy smiled. A genuine, heartfelt smile, directed at Dakunia, no less.

“One more thing,” the doctor suddenly remembered to ask. “Can Hope get access to the rest of her personal belongings? I recall her mentioning that Starfleet is holding back some of her things.”

“Oh, there’s obviously been a misunderstanding, I’m afraid,” Dakunia looked apologetically at McCoy. “We’re not holding back any actual belongings. There’s nothing more than the things she had on her when she first … er … arrived in the 22nd century. A small suitcase holding some clothes and a few other items, that’s it. Apparently, she was just about to go on vacation when she was … snatched away, or she wouldn’t even have that. But I have accumulated quite an extensive collection of data about her old life. Before and after. Her career, her personal life, her family, including audio and visual material. I’ll have them sent to you at the next opportunity.”

The doctor nodded his thanks, sorry to have to add yet another disappointment to Hope’s growing list. Although it probably didn’t really matter anymore, it somehow pained him to think that her well-loved pink elephant, a picture of two girls she’d once known, and a couple of flower-print dresses were indeed everything she’d possessed when she’d started out on her new life.

Jim must have had a similar train of thought, because he tentatively asked, “What about her financial resources? I don’t mean to pry, but after what we’ve just learned, I don’t suppose she has any funds to speak of? How could she even afford the Academy?”

McCoy had to smile at the open concern on his friend’s face. Seeing other people care about and look out for Hope, too, always sent a comforting warmth to his heart. And he had to admit that he shared that particular concern. Although she’d never appeared to be, and certainly had never complained about wanting for anything, he’d long suspected that Hope’s funds were rather limited. But she’d just skirted around the subject, whenever he’d tried to ask her about it, and so he hadn’t been able to do more for her than pay for the odd meal on shore leave. She’d always been very modest, not seeming to need a lot, and he liked that about her. But now he couldn't help wondering, if she’d come by that quality not entirely by choice.

“We took care of her Academy fees, board and lodging, of course,” Dakunia answered Kirk’s question, “but I also set up a small kind of reparation fund for her, as I think of it. Not a lot, mind you, little enough not to draw attention, and certainly not enough to actually make amends for what we’ve done to her, not that that could even be measured in credits. But it helped towards leading a normal life. You know, buy some nice clothes, go out with friends, that sort of thing. Although there’s still most of it left. She’s not a big spender.”

“Figures,” the captain grinned, casting McCoy a warm glance. “Anything else wouldn’t fit in with the Hope we know and love.”

“I guess it wouldn’t,” the admiral smiled back, “she certainly is a lovely, and very special lady. And you can be sure that I’ll keep doing my best to protect her. But even so, I need you to understand that if word gets out about her unexpected memories, I don’t think I’ll be able to keep the bloodhounds off for very much longer.”

“We understand, Sir,” Kirk confirmed formally, looking satisfied at Dakunia’s assurance to continue his endeavours to protect Hope. “We’ll keep you informed, but other than that, no word about any of this is leaving the _Enterprise_. We’d never do anything that might put Hope in danger.”

“Very well,” the admiral replied, and if McCoy had any doubt left about his sincerity, the undisguised relief on Dakunia’s face took that away. “And please remember, gentlemen, Hope may have the memories of a woman twice her age, maybe even some of her wisdom. But when it comes down to it, she’s still a very young woman, only just starting out and gaining experience.”

McCoy felt his heart melt at Dakunia’s words. It was exactly how he felt about Hope, too. How he had, in fact, always felt, even before he’d known the whole truth about her. No matter how much he admired and respected her, even relied on her, she’d always be his girl. His to take care of. And his to love and cherish forever.

* * *

1) Reference to the TOS episode “Tomorrow Is Yesterday”


	67. Chapter 67

When the conference with Dakunia had ended, McCoy slumped back in his chair, feeling too heavy to even try to get up. It felt a bit like being underwater, the sounds surrounding him muted, and every move taking immense effort. All those new, overwhelming facts and fears seemed to be weighing him down, not just figuratively, but literally.

Although it wasn’t the part of Hope being a ‘duplicate’, whatever that really meant, that had knocked him sideways. Sure, he’d have to get his head around that one, figure out the consequences, or side-effects, or fallout, whichever. And certainly deal with his anger about how she’d been treated. But he’d seen stranger things. And however Hope had been ‘created’, knowing her inside out as her doctor, her friend, her partner, he could say, without the shadow of a doubt, that she was as human as it got.

How _she’d_ react to the news, however, what it would mean for her emotionally, or even for her future, was another story, of course. And, disconcertingly, this time he honestly had no clue whether she’d take it in her stride like most everything else, or break down, as any other person probably would. Either way, they’d tackle this together, work it all out like they did with everything.

Hope was still the same, amazing woman she’d been an hour ago, nothing had changed there. And in case she started to doubt that, he’d keep reminding her of the fact as long as it took for her to return to her confident self again. Heck, she could turn out to be the daughter of a Gorn and a Horta, for all he cared. She’d still be Hope. His girl. The love of his life.

No, it wasn’t Hope’s history, or ‘nature’, that bothered the doctor. What scared the living daylights out of him was that business with Section 31, whoever they really were. Dakunia’s insistent warning, paired with Jim’s visible alarm at the sheer mention of that department, had put the fear of God into him. If Section 31 were as ruthless and dangerous as he had reason to believe, how was he ever going to keep Hope safe? How would he ever be able to sleep again?

He jumped, when the captain sat down heavily in the chair next to him. Jim and Spock, who had been engaged in a quiet conversation at the far end of the briefing room, repeatedly casting him concerned glances, had obviously decided that he’d had enough time to collect himself.

“How am I supposed to keep her safe, Jim?” McCoy blurted out before Kirk had the chance to say anything.

“You mean, ‘How are _we_ going to keep her safe’?” the captain corrected him gently, coaxing the hint of a smile out of the doctor.

What would he do without his loyal friends by his side? He couldn't even imagine life without their friendship and support anymore. They were his family, just like Hope and Joanna.

“My God, Jim,” he ran a tired hand over his face. “I was expecting a lot of crap from Starfleet, but this Section 31 business certainly surpasses my wildest speculations.”

“Calm down, Bones, she’s safe here with us,” Kirk smiled, resting a comforting hand on the doctor’s arm.

“How can you say that?” McCoy cried out, testily shrugging him off. “The way I see it, she isn’t safe anywhere!”

“You heard Dakunia,” the captain’s voice was soothing. “Section 31 deals with threats, they don’t concern themselves with harmless girls. And no one will ever learn about her newly discovered memories. For what it’s worth, I trust Dakunia. He won’t tell a soul. And neither will we, of course.”

“More secrets,” McCoy sighed miserably. “Will she never be free?”

“Secrets, yes,” Kirk agreed softly. “That can’t be helped. But this time, she has you and us to talk to. Besides, she’s the most resilient person I know.”

The doctor threw his friend a pained look. Of course Hope was resilient! Not least because she had to be.

“And she’s also the happiest, Bones,” Jim added with a warm smile. “ _You_ make her happy. You’re the best thing that could have happened to her. With your help, she can overcome anything. She’s a very lucky woman, and she knows it.”

“At least, now we can be sure that she will not need to return to the past,” Spock cut in, saving McCoy from the emotional moment Kirk had created. “Unless she wants to, and we can find a way to make it happen, of course. Maybe you should discuss this with her at some point?”

The doctor felt a cold hand grip his heart. Would Hope want to go back if she had the chance? Now that she knew about her children?

“You all right Bones?” the captain’s gentle voice brought him back to the present.

“What am I even going to tell her, Jim?” McCoy groaned. “Where do I begin? How do you tell someone that they’re a ‘duplicate’?”

He was sorely tempted not to tell Hope anything at all, suddenly understanding why Dakunia had chosen that path. There was nothing but heartache to be gained from knowing the truth. But then, he’d have to find some other explanation for her flashbacks. And that would mean lying to her, which, of course, he couldn’t do. She’d been lied to enough already, and she deserved nothing but the truth.

Besides, he couldn’t build their marriage on a secret, on lies, no matter how much he’d love to spare her the heartache. No, the way to go was to be completely honest and then just be there for her. Ease the pain as best he could. Not to mention that she needed to know how serious this was. That she couldn’t tell anyone. That she had to stay safe.

“I know what you’re thinking, Bones,” Kirk broke into his thoughts. “But she’s waiting for answers. Those memories won’t just go away. There’s no way around telling her.”

“And don’t you think I know that?” McCoy blustered. “Of course, I’m going to tell her. We can’t start making up new lies. She deserves the truth. If for nothing else but to stay safe.”

Jim nodded mildly, and the doctor felt himself deflate.

“But where do I start?” he looked helplessly at Kirk. “How do I say what needs to be said? How do I soften the blow, prepare her for what’s to come?”

“You’re a doctor,” the captain replied. “It’s not the first time you’ve had to break unpleasant news to someone. You’ll find the right words. Besides, Hope’s much stronger than you give her credit for. I’m pretty sure she’ll surprise you. She’ll be relieved to have answers, to finally know the truth. She may need some time to adjust, to get to grips with the situation, but with your help she’ll come out the other side stronger. Like she has every time. Nothing we’ve learned today will destroy her life. Or her happiness, for that matter. Because she won’t let it.”

“Thanks Jim,” McCoy smiled, getting up. “I needed to hear that. And you’re certainly right. They don’t come any stronger than Hope.”

Of course, Jim was right. Hope was one of the strongest people he knew.

 _Certainly stronger than I am_ , he sighed inwardly, looking gloomily at his usually so steady hands that he just couldn't seem to stop from trembling now.

Truthfully, the only thing still keeping him together was the knowledge that Hope was safe for the moment. Here on the _Enterprise_. With him. _Needing_ him. That she was only a few steps away, happy to let him hold her and feel her reassuring presence, to show her how loved she was, how special, how wonderful. He couldn’t change the things that had happened to her. But he could still give her all the love and care, the _Geborgenheit_ she craved and deserved. Powerless as he was to change the past, he certainly had the power to make her future the happiest it could be.

 _Hope must be rubbing off on me_ , he thought, shaking his head in wonder, because instead of weighed down and helpless, he suddenly felt animated, imagining all the nice things he would do for her.

“Now go tell her,” Kirk clapped an encouraging hand on his friend’s back as the three officers made their way to the door. “And take tomorrow off, if you need to.”

But when the doors slid open, and the doctor saw Hope already standing there, anxiously waiting for him, his resolve crumbled, and all he could do was pull her into the tightest hug and back inside the briefing room.

* * *

Jenny couldn't suppress a surprised yelp at being so unceremoniously yanked into the briefing room, and into the mother of all bear hugs. And, of course, it didn’t take a genius to realise that Leonard had been seriously rattled, and that that was to do with her, or more precisely, with the conference call he’d just ended with Admiral Dakunia, as Uhura had informed her only a few minutes ago.

Needless to say, the intensity of McCoy’s embrace, normally her safe place, was making her feel rather uneasy right now. The way he’d wrapped his arms around her, almost crushing her, burying his face in her hair and clinging to her as if he hadn’t seen her only this morning, and after an incredible night, too, could only mean one thing. What they were going to tell her wasn’t pleasant.

She’d been surprised when Spock had asked her and her team to check the latest translator update for a rather unusual bug that afternoon, but had also been grateful to have her mind taken off her worries and fears. And, of course, she’d suspected that that had exactly been the first officer’s intention, recognising it as one of his subtle kindnesses. It hadn’t occurred to her, however, that he was trying to keep a subspace meeting with Dakunia from her.

When Jenny and her staff had finished their assignment, she’d been thinking about calling a band rehearsal, or asking Chekov for a training session, to keep busy and give Leonard a breather from her constant yammering and whining, which seemed to be all she was doing lately. But then she’d thought better of it. In her current state of mind, she might just have started telling Nyota or Pavel about her woes, drawing them into her issues as well. And she didn’t feel comfortable with that at all.

She was the one people came to for help, and support, and an open ear. The other way round would simply feel wrong. Except with poor Leonard, who’d been her confidant and counsellor from the beginning. She knew, of course, that the doctor didn’t mind, even enjoyed worrying about her in his own peculiar way. He couldn’t help it, it was how he demonstrated love. Probably how he felt it, too. And deeply so, because there was no other way he knew how to feel. Leonard felt everything very deeply.

But she’d still always tried not to bother him with every little problem, every issue, every hiccup. She wasn’t this needy, clingy girlfriend, or at least she didn’t want to be. On the contrary. Given the doctor’s proneness to worrying and brooding, she always tried to be upbeat and positive around him. To cheer him up when he was in one of his moods. To show him how pleasant and wonderful life really was. Only, with her flashbacks and emerging memories, she hadn’t been very successful at that recently. The worry about where it all came from, and whether she was going crazy, had become too much of a constant companion in her mind.

So, when Uhura had let on that Leonard, Kirk and Spock were in a mysterious meeting with Dakunia, her heart rate had instantly gone up by a million bpm. Immediately heading for the briefing room, all she’d been able to do was keep from barging in, sticking to pacing the corridor outside instead, and trying not to think about why she hadn’t been included in the meeting. She just couldn't wait to hear what new information Dakunia had divulged. At that point, it didn’t really matter if it was good or bad news anymore. She just wanted to have clarity. To know the truth about herself, even if the consequences were severe. Anything was better than this uncertainty.

* * *

Unable to hold off any longer, she gently disengaged herself from Leonard’s embrace, and, wondering how to pose the question she so desperately needed answered without breaking down in front of the captain and Spock, decided to try the casual approach.

“So, that bad, eh?” she began, her voice surprisingly strong. “Am I officially going crazy now?”

Leonard just wordlessly shook his head, and Kirk, for once, seemed to be at a loss for words, too.

Only Spock, the epitome of calm, as always, answered, “Indeed, you are not, Lieutenant. Your sanity is perfectly intact, no need for concern there. However, there are quite a number of new facts that you need to hear about. Would you like Dr. McCoy to fill you in on everything in private, or would you rather we told you here right away?”

Jenny would really have preferred to do this in private. To have Leonard tenderly hold her while he gently let her in on all these ‘new facts’. But given how upset the doctor seemed, and assuming that Spock hadn’t suggested for them all to tell her together without reason, she decided to take him up on the offer. Leonard definitely looked like he could use his friends’ support, an observation that certainly did nothing to reassure her.

“I think I’d rather you just told me right away. I really can’t wait any longer,” she replied, the relief on McCoy’s face not going unnoticed, as he tenderly led her over to a chair.

He seemed to have his act back together now, all reassuring smiles and comforting hands in the small of her back or around her waist again, and Jenny instantly felt far less afraid, despite knowing that it probably was just that: an act. But even so, there was nothing like Leonard in calm doctor mode to make her feel safe and secure.

Just as she was sitting down, however, McCoy had a change of heart and, pressing a soft kiss to her temple, said, “You know, it’s really a good idea to have Jim and Spock help me get all the facts straight when I tell you. But I still think we should do this in our quarters. It’s more comfortable there. After all, this is a private matter and not some strategy meeting.”

Absurdly, the only thing Jenny could think at that moment was that he’d just called them ‘our quarters’ for the first time in front of others, probably ever. Totally unrelated and certainly not the issue here, but oh so wonderful to hear. Something heart-warming and joyful to hold on to in the midst of this unnerving and mind-boggling situation. And she wouldn’t put it past Leonard to have saved those words for an occasion like this, perfectly aware that they were sure to put a smile in her heart.


	68. Chapter 68

“I’m sorry I scared you, love,” McCoy looked ruefully at Jenny, as they made their way through the corridors, Kirk and Spock following at a little distance. “It was just so good to see you, and you know how I tend to overreact. But there’s really nothing wrong with you, least of all with your marvellous mind. What Dakunia told us was … surprising more than anything else. But nothing we couldn't deal with.” 

Of course, he’d realised how his earlier behaviour had frightened her. He might have been unable to stop himself, but he wouldn’t be Leonard, if he hadn’t been acutely aware of what hugging her like there was no tomorrow had done to her.

“It’s all right, I’m not scared,” Jenny mustered a weak smile, grabbing and squeezing the hand that had been lightly brushing against hers with every step.

Their eyes met, and they both had to laugh, a brief moment of lightness, shared humour taking away the unbearable tension, because, of course, they both knew that she was scared witless and he had been far more than just surprised by what he’d learned.

God, how she loved this man. For being exactly the way he was. For pulling off awkward and confident at the same time, as if they weren’t opposites. For loving her so fiercely and unconditionally. And for having this unique gift for making her laugh and feel safe, even seconds away from falling to pieces himself. The very gift that made him such an extraordinary healer.

The news might not be good, frightening even, but as long as he could still pull himself together enough to revert to ‘doctor mode’, it had to be something she could overcome. Or at least survive. Of course, Jenny knew that Leonard was always a doctor first, and that comforting and reassuring were ‘his business’. But she also knew that there were exceptions. Limits even for him.

Because just like he’d always be a father first when it came to Joanna, he wouldn’t be able to put the doctor before the partner in her case either, if the news really were that terrible. At least not unless the doctor in him could save her.

* * *

Once again, Jenny was sitting on the couch in McCoy’s - no _their_ \- quarters, feeling uneasy and not knowing what to anticipate, with Leonard sitting next to her, his arm protectively around her shoulders, and Kirk and Spock sitting opposite.

Another déjà vu, but with this one, at least, she knew exactly where it came from. She vividly remembered the last time they’d been sitting here like this, over a year ago, when she’d told them about her past and how she’d come to live in the 23rd century.

It had all seemed so straightforward then. So simple. She’d believed everything would be all right, once she shared her secret with them. And for a time, it was. Until new secrets cropped up. Only this time, apparently, they weren’t her secrets but someone else’s. Or, perhaps, the truth was even stranger than that. Even more ‘surprising’. She really couldn’t wait for McCoy to finally spill the beans.

“Leonard, please,” Jenny shifted in his embrace, looking up at him imploringly. “I know you mean well, but whatever you have to tell me, stop trying to break it to me gently, just say it. All I need is the truth. And I need it now. Your beating about the bush is killing me.”

“Of course, love, I’m sorry,” he sighed, brushing a quick kiss on her hair.

And then, taking a deep breath, the doctor launched into a detailed recount of everything Admiral Dakunia had told them, carefully watching her as her eyes grew wider with every new fact, and pulling her a little closer every time she shivered with shock and disbelief.

So, she’d nearly been killed, stumbling into some top-secret Starfleet Intelligence time travel mission? And then been brought two hundred years into the future only to be put to sleep for another hundred years? She’d never even had leukaemia? She’d been _duplicated_?

_What next? Is there even anything real in my world? Or is my whole life just one, big lie?_

Feeling completely numb and almost detached, the doctor’s arm was the only thing still grounding her, as she listened to his preposterous tale, interrupted only by the occasional remark from Kirk or Spock. Surely, this could only be a very bad joke. Only, it couldn't be, because there was no way Leonard would ever join in such a cruel prank. And neither would Kirk or Spock, for that matter. No, it had to be another nightmare. She could only hope to wake up soon.

“Why can I remember the most unspectacular songs but not people, not even my own sons, properly?” Jenny heard herself ask, her voice sounding as if it belonged to someone else.

“We think it’s to do with emotions,” McCoy answered softly, tenderly hugging her to him and wrapping her in his comforting warmth and love, his arms still the safest place she knew. “Songs, and music in general, make for happy or at least neutral memories. But people and relationships are more difficult. More personal. Spock’s confident, though, that with time you’ll remember everything. Slowly, but steadily. Don’t push yourself, love. Just like with amnesia, you can’t force it. You just need to let it happen.”

 _Easy for him to say_ , Jenny thought irritably, well aware that she was being unfair. Talk about shooting the messenger. Of course, she knew that the whole situation, having to break those news to her, was anything but easy for Leonard, but she needed to vent, if only in her mind.

“Maybe there were things your older self wasn’t entirely happy with and found easier to suppress,” Spock volunteered. “After all, there was enough for you to come to terms with, even without the additional burden of future – and perhaps less agreeable – memories.”

“Well, if there’s anyone who might know, it would be you, Mr. Spock, wouldn’t it?” Jenny all but snapped, trying to keep the bitterness from her voice. “So far, you’re the only one who’s seen my ‘future memories’.”

“Not the buried ones,” the Vulcan countered gently. “Not many of them, anyway. And without context, most of them will only make sense with time. However, from everything I’ve seen so far, it isn’t likely that there was a major catastrophe overshadowing your life.”

“That’s reassuring to know, Mr. Spock,” Jenny chuckled drily, feeling only mildly relieved.

But then, she seemed to have stopped feeling altogether. It was like staring into a great, big void. Even Leonard’s strong arms enfolding her, which would usually have given her the world of comfort and the most reassuring sense of security, could just as well have been some armchair, albeit a comfortable one, she was sitting in. At the end of the day, of course, it didn’t matter either way. Nothing did. Because she wasn’t real. She was just a cheap copy of some other woman.

“Strictly speaking, it’s not even my life, and they aren’t my memories to begin with. Neither my past, nor my future are actually _mine_.”

It was only after the words were out of her mouth, and Leonard’s thumbs were gently wiping away a few tears she hadn’t even been aware had begun to trickle down her cheeks, that the cold, hard truth struck her with full force.

“One by one, your memories will resurface, love,” the doctor murmured, his face inches from hers, gazing intently into her eyes. “And they’re all yours, there’s no question about it. Try looking at the bright side. You won’t have to feel guilty anymore, since you were actually always there for your sons. They never lost you. They never had to live without their mother. If your memories of them are painful, it’s because you miss them, not because they missed you.”

“So, my sons grew up with their mum. That’s a good thing, right?” Jenny looked into McCoy’s kind eyes. “But where does that leave me? Who am I, if not their mother?”

Suddenly, she didn’t feel numb at all anymore. It was as if her heart had been temporarily frozen and was now defrosting at speed again. All her emotions, her pains, her fears, her insecurities, everything that had or hadn’t happened to her, or to her sons, everything she’d believed she was until today, was coming tumbling down on her at once.

Jenny couldn't think straight anymore, couldn't move, didn’t know what to say, or where to look, or what to believe. All she wanted was for Kirk and Spock to go away, so that she didn’t have to pretend being in control any longer. And all she needed was Leonard’s comforting presence, his loving arms around her, safely holding her while she was falling apart and patiently waiting to put her back together again when she was ready.

That was exactly what she wanted to tell him, but what came out instead was, “I’m so sorry for worrying you again. I don’t know why I keep doing this to you.”

Fortunately, she didn’t have to tell Leonard what she really needed. He’d probably known before she did. Because while he was gently cradling her to his chest, she could feel him gesticulating above her head, and then heard the hiss of the door as Kirk and Spock quietly left.

“You know that I consider worrying about you my privilege,” he said after a moment, his words slightly muffled by her hair. “We’ve helped each other through difficult times before, and this is going to be no different. Together, we’ll pull through. Nothing can hurt us.”

* * *

“Nothing? _I’m_ nothing,” was the first thing Hope said when the others were gone, lifting her head to look at him, and McCoy felt his heart breaking. “I’m no one. Just a ... projection. A copy.”

She wasn’t crying or even really looking upset, just very confused and lost.

“You’re nothing of the sort, love,” he replied, his arms delicately holding her, and his hands softly caressing her face, mirroring the indescribable tenderness that surged through him as he gazed into her questioning eyes. “You’re as real as anyone can be. And I should know, I’ve checked and fixed you more times than I care to remember.”

She was looking to him for answers, for guidance, for reassurance, and he’d never felt more protective of anyone in his life.

“You’re an amazing individual, no doubt an original! Heck, for all we know, your counterpart could, in fact, be a copy of you! But sticking to Spock’s theory, as far as I was able to understand it, you might want to think of her as your twin rather than copy and original.”

Hope nodded slowly, considering his words.

“I won’t pretend to know how you’re feeling, love,” he went on softly. “And maybe you don’t have a clue what to feel or think yet, either. But I’m here. To help you get your head around this. To talk and to listen. Or simply hold you while you’re processing all of this.”

Heaving a sigh, Hope just wordlessly sank back into his arms, burying her face against his neck, and McCoy’s heart broke a little more. He’d watched her trying to hang on and keep her composure all evening, her questions and remarks almost robotic, as if on autopilot, reminding him of the day after their first night together on shore leave, when Jim had come to tell her she’d been transferred to the _Lexington_ , pushing her off the top of the world in a matter of seconds.

Why was she never allowed to stay happy for long? Just because she was strong and resilient, as Jim put it, and had proven herself capable of bouncing back from anything time and again, didn’t mean she didn’t deserve to simply be happy once in a while.

“You’re holding me as if I were made of glass,” Hope murmured close to his ear, and it sounded almost like a complaint. “Are you suddenly afraid to break me? Or am I going to dissolve any moment now?”

“Of course not!” the doctor was quick to assure her, instantly hugging her a little tighter, not even having noticed that he’d started to treat her like the fragile girl she was on the outside. “You’re as strong as ever. Sometimes, I just get carried away with how much love and tenderness you need and deserve, and then I can’t seem to be gentle enough with you.”

That seemed to placate her, as she snuggled a little closer.

“You know, I’ve been struggling with feeling inferior before,” she sighed, “being this Neanderthal among all you brilliant people of the 23rd century. But now I’m even more lacking! In everything. I’m not even a full human being!”

“My God, you’re not lacking in anything, love!” McCoy contradicted, appalled at the idea that Hope would even think something like that, but at the same time understanding that she was feeling insecure right now and needed all the reassurance she could get. “You’re still exactly the same amazing woman you were yesterday. Apart from still being the most important person in my life, of course. My one and only.”

“Oh, Leonard,” she rubbed her head affectionately against his cheek, “you’re always so kind and sweet. Always saying the right thing. But I still feel like a fraud. Like I shouldn’t even be alive.”

“That’s enough now, Jenny,” he said sternly, trying to contain his simmering anger, which wasn’t even directed at Hope, but at Starfleet. And fate. “Your life is infinitely precious. I don’t want to hear you talking like that again!”

Hope bristled at his words, and he was immediately sorry for sounding so harsh. He really needed to cut her some slack. She was in a most daunting situation, and he couldn’t even begin to imagine what she was going through right now. If anyone was entitled to say things they wouldn’t have said under different circumstances, it was certainly her.

“Listen,” he continued more gently. “What if you’d never learned the truth? Would you still feel like a fraud? Nothing has really changed beside the fact that now you know.”

“Well, I guess I wouldn’t,” she admitted hesitantly.

On impulse, McCoy pulled back a little, tilted his head, and brought his lips down on hers, surprising her with an intense and loving kiss.

“Feel good?” he chuckled, amused by the startled look in her eyes.

Hope just nodded and gave him a little smile.

“See? Nothing’s changed at all.”

Wrapping her arms around his waist, she gave him another one of her brave little smiles, and he almost wished she’d just burst into tears. Let it all out. That would be easier to handle, he knew how to comfort a crying Hope. The fact that he was still rather shaken himself, didn’t help, either, of course.

But he’d keep it together for her sake. Follow her lead. If she needed to put on a brave face and talk rather than cry her heart out, he could do that, too. There’d be plenty of time for tears later. In his experience, people often instinctively knew how best to deal with trauma. Different people had different ways of coping, and as a doctor, he’d learned to go with people’s instincts rather than psychological textbooks.

“It’s just that not being allowed to return to the past is one thing,” Hope tried to explain, looking at him with sorrowful eyes that were boring right into his soul. “But effectively not being able to, because there’s just nowhere for me to go, nowhere I belong, is something else entirely. Let’s face it, I’m nothing more than an accident.”

“And one for which I’ll be eternally grateful,” McCoy said softly, his voice cracking, glad to see the intense pain in her eyes fading a little as his words sank in. “Your place is here, you belong with me. I know it sounds awfully selfish, but for a while there, before I talked to Dakunia, I was terribly afraid you might have to go back eventually.”

“You mean when I’m forty-five?” Hope asked quietly, raising a gentle hand to his face and caressing his cheek affectionately.

“You had the same thought?” the doctor was taken aback.

“Of course, I did, Leonard,” she replied, endless love shining through the pain in her eyes. “I can put two and two together just like you can. Although it took me a while to figure out why you acted as if you might never see me again last night. And when I did, I immediately dismissed the idea again, telling myself I was wrong. Because I couldn't bear to even think about it any more than you could.”


	69. Chapter 69

“At least, we won’t have to worry about that anymore,” McCoy smiled, lovingly covering Hope’s hand on his cheek with his own and bringing it to his lips for a gentle kiss.

Seeing her struggle with so many emotions at once, the fear, the insecurity, the confusion, and beneath them all the unbroken love for him, it was getting harder and harder to keep his own feelings under control. But he couldn't lose it now. This was not about him. Not about his worries, or his rage, or even the hurt he felt on her behalf. This was all about Hope. What she felt, what she needed. What he could do to make this easier for her. It was his job to get her through this.

“When I realised that our time together might be limited, twenty years suddenly seemed so terribly short,” Hope said, closing her eyes at the memory, and the doctor was glad to see her momentarily distracted from her self-doubts. “But then, an eternity with you wouldn’t be enough either.”

“I couldn't agree more,” McCoy had to blink back tears, deeply touched by her words. “Twenty years together is nowhere near enough. But if they were all I could have with you, I’d gladly take them anytime.”

Hope snuggled against him with a sigh, then suddenly pulled back again, and raised fearful eyes to him.

“What do you think _will_ happen to me when I’m forty-five?” she asked, her voice a little shaky. “I might not have to go back in time, or rather, I won’t be able to. But do you think I’ll just cease to exist?”

The doctor suppressed a shudder, aware that he couldn't display even a hint of uncertainty now. The thought had crossed his mind, too, but he’d be damned if he told her that. It was enough that he was going to spend the next twenty years worrying about it. At least, he was used to living in constant fear of something or other. Hope wasn’t, and certainly shouldn’t have to be.

“Of course not, love,” he reassured her, willing himself to believe it, too. “And why should you? When you … came into existence, you were separated from your counterpart. Or your twin. I’m sure Spock could explain this much better, but the way I see it, you were ‘reborn’ that day. You’ve been living your own life ever since. Independently. Growing, maturing, following your own path. There’s no reason for this to suddenly end!”

“Oh, Leonard,” Hope sighed, falling back into the couch. “This is just one of a million questions running through my head! In a way it’s worse than suddenly waking up in another century. At least I knew who I was then. Or I thought I did, anyway. But now? Nothing’s real, everything’s changed, I don’t know what to believe anymore!”

“I hope you still believe that I love you,” McCoy smiled gently, his heart heavy as he felt himself falling into Hope’s dark, soulful eyes, which seemed to be pleading for help, and for answers. “And that you can still trust your feelings. The love you have for your friends, your job, for linguistics, for music, and dancing. All of this is real. All of this is you. Wonderful, incomparable you.”

“Thank you!” Hope whispered, nestling into his side as if she wanted to crawl inside him and hide there forever, and the doctor wrapped his arms tightly around her, making sure not to treat her like a breakable anymore, even though that was exactly how she felt to him at that moment.

“It’s perfectly normal that you’re confused, and unsure of a lot of things right now,” McCoy murmured softly into her hair, his hand drawing comforting circles on her back. “Everyone would! You’ve just had your whole world turned upside down. Everything you’ve believed to be true is suddenly being called into question, and it makes me so angry that you’ve had that done to you.”

He had to pause there for a moment, to fight back the anger that was just waiting to be released.

“I won’t tell you that you’ll be able to put all your doubts to rest in a day or two, either. This is going to take time. It’s a process. But I’m with you every step of the way. Whatever runs through your head, every doubt, every fear, every question, even anger, because you’re going to, and have every right to feel that, too, share it with me, and you’ll find nothing is as daunting as it seems.”

“I will, Leonard,” she mumbled into his shirt, and he tenderly kissed the top of her head, hoping she really would.

They were silent for some time, and the doctor could almost see the multitude of thoughts buzzing in Hope’s head, as she kept shifting around restlessly in his arms.

“You know, I can’t help wondering about the years I spent in the 20th century,” she finally said. “My whole childhood and youth. Was that really me? Did any of this actually happen to me, or are those just echoes of ‘her’ memories, too? Like the future ones?”

McCoy didn’t quite know how to answer that. Those were huge, philosophical questions. Besides, he’d never been comfortable with the whole time-travel conundrums and paradoxes in the first place. Fortunately, Hope didn’t really seem to expect a response anyway, her thoughts already moving on to the next question.

Abruptly disengaging herself from his embrace, she gave him a haunted look.

“You and Spock know my exact date of death, don’t you?” she asked, the colour draining from her face, then quickly corrected herself. “ _Her_ date of death. Do you think I’ll die at the same age? It sure would be disconcerting to know when you’re going to die!”

“Oh, really, Jenny!” the doctor exclaimed, shocked by the turn Hope’s agitated mind was taking, but then relented, seeing that the thought was deeply bothering her. “Nobody knows when they’re going to die. As I said before, you started your own, independent life the moment you were separated.”

Looking somewhat reassured by his answer, she breathed out a relieved little puff.

“And out of the two of us, I was obviously the lucky one,” she said after a moment, gazing lovingly into his eyes, “being the one who got to meet you.”

McCoy pressed a tender kiss on her lips, both responding to her sweet declaration of love and stalling for time. Her thoughts, and her mood swings, although understandable, were really starting to get to him. He needed to take action. A plan. Apparently, Hope wasn’t ready to let go and have a good, cathartic cry just yet, but questions like these weren’t healthy. And so very unlike her, they actually scared him.

As much as he loved to hold her, and knew that being in his arms gave her comfort, this time, it simply wasn’t enough to revert her to her grounded, confident self.

_Time to bring out the big guns_ , he thought, tenderly stroking Hope’s hair and picturing her laughing and carefree again in his mind.

Waiting for inspiration to strike, he started by making her some tea. Her favourite ‘Tension Tamer’ blend, which Hope gratefully accepted. He could actually have done with a drink, too. A couple of fingers of bourbon would have been nice. But that would only give away how rattled he was himself.

He did have drinks with Jim or Scotty sometimes, of course, but he practically never drank when it was just the two of them. They had coffee, or maybe tea, or a fruit juice. Hope didn’t care for alcohol, and somehow, he never even thought of having a drink when he was with her.

Besides, McCoy needed a clear head. Hope was very fragile at the moment, and he needed to observe her closely. So, tea it was for him, too. He just prayed that he wouldn’t get called to an emergency, because there was no way he could leave her alone right now. Not even for a minute.

As he sat down again, cup in hand, an idea struck him. Music. Hope lived and breathed music and rhythm. It was her life. She expressed herself through singing and dancing. It had even helped with her amnesia. Maybe it would help again? At least calm her down enough to get her to sleep a little. That might give her a new perspective in the morning, and perhaps, with a little distance, things might not seem as overwhelming anymore.

He could certainly do with some rest, too. To give him the chance to process everything himself. In order to counsel her well, to really be of help to her, he desperately needed to get a grip on his own thoughts and emotions first. Beginning with purging his anger somehow.

* * *

Jenny was sipping her tea, feeling a little more like herself again. She was grateful that Leonard had sent the captain and Spock away, and was now just quietly being there for her, giving her space to process things in her own way and time, yet responding to her every thought and mood.

He’d always been good at being subtly comforting and supportive, taking up her random, troubled thoughts and guiding them in a healthier, more fruitful direction. Discreetly taking charge without being obtrusive.

Putting his cup swiftly down on the couch table, the doctor suddenly jumped up, an almost excited look on his face as he went to grab his PADD from the desk and started tapping away on it.

“Remember how our song always helped when we were going through a rough patch?” he asked, casting her an affectionate glance before returning his attention to whatever he was busily typing. “We danced to it on the beach that unfortunate evening before you had to report to the _Lexington_. And then it brought you back to me, after your bout with amnesia.”

“It surely did, and I couldn't be more grateful,” she smiled, taking the hand he offered and letting him pull her to her feet.

“You certainly loved country music before you met me,” Leonard said, pulling her close and starting to gently sway to the first bars of ‘It’s Your Love’, “and Tim McGraw and Faith Hill might always have been your favourite singers, but this is _our_ song. Yours and mine, and no one else’s. You were your own person when we first sang it together that evening down in sickbay, a whole person, a complete person, and not to forget the most amazing person I’d ever met. You couldn't have been more real, even though I confess, I sometimes suspected you to be an angel.”

The doctor leaned down to kiss her cheek so delicately, Jenny barely felt his lips on her skin, her heart brimming over with love for the man who never failed to make her feel special, finding ever new ways to show her how precious she was to him, and how his whole life revolved around her.

“And if the memories of your childhood seem as real as those of you and me, then they undeniably are,” he went on softly, moving with her in slow circles to the music. “Everything you remember being is real, just as everything you are now is.”

Jenny nodded, letting his words sink in, then rested her forehead against Leonard’s shoulder and just lost herself in the beautiful song. _Their_ song.

_And who I am now  
_ _Is who I wanted to be  
_ _And now that we’re together  
_ _I’m stronger than ever  
_ _I’m happy and free_

She was still feeling unsettled by everything she’d learned today, and she’d certainly stumble upon more scary questions the more she thought about it. But for the moment, safe and loved in Leonard’s arms, she felt almost at peace, knowing that, as long as he loved her, she was going to be all right.

_It’s your love  
_ _It just does something to me  
_ _It sends a shock right through me  
_ _I can’t get enough  
_ _And if you wonder  
_ _About the spell I’m under  
_ _Oh, it’s your love_

When the song ended, Jenny took a step back, expecting Leonard to take her back to the couch to talk some more. But when she looked up, he gently shook his head, and she felt herself drowning in his beautiful eyes that were gazing at her with such warmth and tenderness, it nearly took her breath away. Even after all this time, even in a situation like this, he still had the power to make her heart skip a beat just by looking at her.

Of course, she knew exactly what he was doing, and why. But having his love and kindness give her a break from all the erratic and disheartening thoughts that had been threatening to overwhelm her, was certainly more than welcome.

“There’s more,” he whispered, lovingly pulling her back into his arms, as Tim McGraw’s voice filled the room once more. “So many more songs we’ve enjoyed together since you danced into my life, filling it with joy and happiness. Just try to relax a little and listen.”

_I used to think that love would never find me  
_ _And the one who cares was lost somewhere in time  
_ _But when you found me I knew I’d found forever_

Leonard’s arms tightened around her, and Jenny could feel his heart beating strong against her cheek.

_Your sweet love saved me not a moment too soon_

This time, when the song finished, she just stayed nestled into his embrace, confident that he’d put a few more on his impromptu playlist. Leonard was nothing if not creative in helping her through difficult times.

And sure enough, there was George Strait with another favourite song of hers. She’d never told Leonard this, but her heart ached a little every time she listened to the song, because the lyrics always painfully reminded her that this was exactly how the doctor saw himself.

_I’m not the hero who will always save the day  
_ _Don’t always wear the white hat, don’t always know the way  
_ _I may not even be the dream you wanted to come true_

Jenny raised her head, giving the doctor a tender look, mouthing, “You know you are!” and earning herself a gentle kiss on the nose, as he touched a finger to his ear, indicating that he wanted her to keep listening.

_Remember that there’s someone there whose heart is always true  
_ _Someone there to help you make it through  
_ _I’ll always be the man in love with you_

Leonard had stopped dancing and was looking at her intently.

“Never forget that,” he said earnestly. “Whatever life has in store for us, together, we’ll always make it through.”

Starting to move to the music again, he drew her into a soft kiss, tenderly affirming his words, and all of Jenny’s daunting thoughts suddenly seemed lightyears away. Of course, she knew that they’d be back to haunt her. She couldn't simply ignore the things she’d learned today. They’d changed everything. But just knowing that Leonard would be there when her fears and doubts returned, filled her with a sense of calm confidence. With him by her side, she was ready to face anything.

And with this reassuring thought in mind, Jenny wrapped her arms tightly around the doctor’s waist, basking in his warm embrace as the next song started to play and Travis Tritt’s words touched her heart like they never had before.

_‘Cause I love you more than you’ll ever know  
_ _More than life, more than I’ve ever loved before  
_ _It’s absurd, and beyond words, I couldn't want you more_  
_And when I try to pour my heart out to you I’m not sure it shows  
_ _That I love you more than you’ll ever know_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't resist, this chapter just called for some soothing background music.
> 
> So, if you’re interested, this is  
>  **McCoy's playlist:**  
>  Tim McGraw & Faith Hill – It’s Your Love  
> Tim McGraw – Not a Moment Too Soon  
> George Strait – The Man In Love With You  
> Travis Tritt – More Than You’ll Ever Know


	70. Chapter 70

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took even longer than usual, but I got a bit distracted by my little “explicit Hope/McCoy side-fic” for Christmas. 
> 
> Here’s the link, in case you haven’t read it yet, and would like to get to know Hope and McCoy a little more ... ahem … intimately. 😁  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/28281651

Nothing mattered but the woman in his arms. Holding her, protecting her, making her feel safe and loved was all McCoy cared about with Travis Tritt singing straight from his heart and Hope nestling into his embrace with her unique brand of utter trust and unbridled affection. Feeling her pressing against him, virtually clinging to him, wriggling a little further into his arms with every swaying step to the music, nearly undid him. His own emotions in turmoil and precariously close to the surface after the day they’d had, the doctor didn’t even mind coming across as overprotective anymore. He just wanted to enfold her. All of her.

He’d promised they’d make it through anything together, and he’d meant it. In fact, he’d never been more serious about anything. That tender, loving look she’d cast him when George Strait had been singing about not being quite the hero, had touched him to the core. Lifting him up as much as weighing him down with the pressure of living up to her image of him. Although putting pressure on him was certainly the last thing Hope had intended. She just had no idea what a single look from her did to him. How it made his heart soar, seeing the endless love in her eyes, while at the same time almost crushing him under the weight of responsibility at that absolute trust showing on her face.

Hope was neither naive nor helpless. Far from it. But she had this total faith in his ability to fix anything and everything, putting him right up there with Kirk and the other ‘heroes’ aboard the _Enterprise_ , including herself, if anyone cared to ask McCoy. He’d become used to people expecting miracles from him as a doctor, but Hope’s endearing faith was not limited to his medical skills. When she looked at him with those wide, trusting eyes, she almost made him feel like a real hero. And just the thought of disappointing her was unbearable. He’d doubtlessly do things for her that he wouldn’t even dream of trying otherwise. In a manner of speaking, Hope was his superpower.

The end of the playlist he’d hastily put together brought him back to the present, and he was glad to see that it had obviously had the desired effect. Hope seemed a lot calmer now, and when she stepped out of his embrace, smiling up at him fondly, she appeared much more at peace with herself again. At least for the time being. What more could he ask?

“How about a little snack?” the doctor suggested hopefully, his stomach suddenly reminding him that neither of them had had anything to eat since lunch, or was that breakfast? “I could fix us a quick chicken sandwich or something?”

“Thanks, but I’m not hungry at all,” she declined with a warm smile, pecking him on the cheek before draining the last of her tea and cleaning up her cup.

McCoy left it at that. Hope had been really good following his dietary guidelines lately, so skipping one meal wasn’t going to hurt her.

“I’d rather just go to bed, if you don’t mind,” she continued. “Not sure if I can, but thanks to you I’m feeling much better now, so I’d like to give sleep a try. Sometimes, all you need is a fresh eye in the morning for things to start looking up again.”

“I couldn't have put it better, love” the doctor agreed, putting a gentle arm around her waist to steer her towards their sleeping area, grateful to see her so determinedly positive again. “Let’s just go to bed. Tomorrow’s a new day.”

“Oh Leonard, you don’t have to go to sleep just yet. It’s not that late,” Hope replied a little too quickly, turning around and gently, but firmly stopping him with both hands against his chest. “You go ahead and have that sandwich. I’ll be all right.”

It was clear that she didn’t want him to come to bed with her, and that stung, even more than he cared to admit. But after what she’d been through, she had, of course, every right to ask for a little space. To find herself, clear her mind, sort her thoughts, whatever she thought she needed to do. It was McCoy, who couldn't bear to let go of her for even a minute. Who longed to hold her tight and reassure himself that she was still there, solid and unharmed. But that was his problem. Not hers.

So, taking the hint, the doctor backed off, giving her another brief hug and planting a tender kiss on her forehead before releasing her from his clasp.

“All right, love. Sleep tight!”

And while Hope disappeared into the bathroom to get ready for the night, McCoy settled down on the couch with his PADD, determined to give her the space she wanted and needed, while still keeping a close eye on her. No matter how much she thought she wanted to be left alone now, she really needed to be cared for.

Mustering up all his self-restraint, the doctor didn’t even look up when he heard her return from the bathroom and slip into bed, pretending to be totally engrossed in his PADD.

“Leonard?” she called out softly, and his head flew up immediately.

“Yes, love?” he asked, fighting the urge to get up and hurry over to where she was sitting up in bed.

“Please,” she began hesitantly, not meeting his eye.

“Please what?” he prompted gently, when she hadn’t said another word for almost a minute.

“Just,” she started again, but trailed off once more.

“Whatever you need!” he set his PADD aside, but stayed put on the couch.

“Just don’t,” Hope went on, shaking her head, still looking for the right words.

“Anything, Jenny! But you’ll have to tell me,” McCoy said softly, relieved when she finally looked at him.

“I know it’s still early, but can you please stay here? Don’t go away!”

“Of course, I’m staying, love!” he exclaimed, blinking rapidly to keep from tearing up. “Don’t you worry, I’m not going anywhere tonight.”

The doctor’s heart plummeted, as it hit him how scared, and lost, and insecure Hope must be feeling to outright ask him to stay. Normally, if anything, she’d have encouraged him to ‘go and have fun’ or something like that, trying to assure him that she was all right, even though she quite obviously wasn’t. Not that he’d have taken her up on it, of course, but just the fact that she wasn’t even pretending to be okay, explicitly asking him not to leave her alone instead, was breaking his heart.

“Want me to come to bed after all?” he asked tentatively, wishing to offer without being pushy.

“No, no, I’m perfectly fine with you reading on the couch,” she smiled gratefully, lying down and snuggling into the covers. “I just wouldn’t want to be all by myself right now. Thank you, Leonard. For everything. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” McCoy murmured, not quite trusting his voice, his eyes glued to her back as she rolled over, facing away from him.

He didn’t even look at his PADD after that, unable to tear his gaze away from Hope lying there in their bed, only a few feet from him, yet somehow so far away. Every fibre in his body was screaming for him to go and hold her, talk to her, comfort her, be there for her. But he knew that he had to let her do this her own way. That this was the kind of support she needed most right now. Time to process everything she’d found out today in peace, while knowing that he had her back and was quietly waiting, ready to catch her the moment she started to fall.

It took a long time, and lots of fidgeting and sighing, for Hope to finally fall asleep, the doctor’s eyes never leaving her familiar form, as he tried to sift through his own thoughts and find answers to the many questions that kept arising the more he chewed over all the new facts and insights. And, of course, there was still the matter of Section 31 that he needed to discuss with Hope in more detail as soon as she was ready to deal with that on top of everything else. He really didn’t want to add to her worries, but this was too dangerous to take lightly, and he had a feeling that she hadn’t quite grasped the seriousness of the issue, what with everything else she’d had thrown at her today.

McCoy briefly thought about sleeping on the couch, or even not at all, but then decided that she wouldn’t mind him joining her in bed for the night. It was his bed, too, after all, and it wasn’t as if they’d had a fight or anything. So, when he was quite sure that she was fast asleep, he got undressed, ordered the lights out, and slid between the sheets next to her. It was the only way he’d be able to get any sleep at all tonight. He needed to feel her. Her warm, delicate body against his, for his own sake as much as hers. To be there to soothe her, when she moaned in her sleep, and, above all, when she woke up.

* * *

It would have been so easy to just stay in Leonard’s comforting arms and let him take care of her. To go on dancing and pretend that nothing had changed, that this was just another tender evening with her wonderful, loving fiancé. Everything always seemed easy when he was holding her. But this wasn’t, and she needed time to reflect on it. Space to think about it without the doctor making it seem to just go away. Because it didn’t. She couldn’t hide forever, she had to face reality sometime. And she wanted to do that sooner rather than later. For her sake as much as Leonard’s.

He’d been terrific, of course. He always was. Loving, kind, supportive, her rock in every way. Steadfast and unwavering. But despite his endeavours to the contrary, Jenny had seen how this was wearing him down. She’d seen his eyes well up several times, watched him run tired hands over his face when he thought she wasn’t looking. Had felt his heart breaking with every fearful question she’d asked, knowing fully well that he couldn’t have all the answers, yet unreasonably and childishly expecting him to.

Despite quite obviously being shaken to the core himself, Leonard had tried to keep strong for her at all costs. And he was the strongest person she knew when it came to keeping it together for his friends’ sake or professional reasons. Or usually both. But Jenny also knew the toll it took on him, how it tore him up inside. Because no matter how crusty he appeared on the outside, there was no question that he had the softest heart. Kind, and vulnerable. So easily hurt. And today, she sadly acknowledged, she’d brought him close to breaking point.

His disappointment at her wanting to go to bed alone had been tangible, and she’d felt bad about it. But much as she would love some cuddles right now, she was grateful that he hadn’t made any move in that direction. Instead, the doctor had graciously accepted, probably even anticipated, that she needed space. The chance to reflect on this whole bizarre situation, and time alone to get her head around the fact that she’d been created rather than born and didn’t know who or what she really was anymore. Or if she was even human.

A fact that, strangely, hadn’t seemed to faze Leonard at all, his main concern apparently being to keep her safe from this Section 31. To him Jenny was still real and human enough. And with him being a doctor, that had reassured her immensely. But maybe he’d still get there. Maybe he hadn’t had enough time to really let all the news sink in yet. He’d only learned about the whole thing literally minutes before her. Yet, somehow, she didn’t actually expect him to change his mind. His reasoning had been sound enough. And paired with his treating her exactly the same way as always, it had almost convinced her of being a real person, after all.

But she needed to come to that conclusion herself. So far, she couldn’t help feeling that something was amiss. As if she were suddenly a mere part of someone else, with the rest missing. Somehow, she just didn’t feel whole anymore. Like a two-dimensional projection, no matter how often Leonard had assured her to the contrary. She was confident that she would eventually make her peace with her new self. At least she knew that was what she wanted. But it would take time to get there. To feel comfortable and complete in her own skin again.

Just as it would, once more, take all of poor Leonard’s love, and patience, and compassion, to help her through a difficult time, Jenny thought wryly, immensely grateful for the doctor’s comforting presence only a heartbeat away. And he wasn’t even complaining. Hadn’t said a word that would hint at him being fed up with her being a constant pain in the neck, perpetually causing him new worries and headache. He’d never do that. She even believed that he was genuinely glad to be there for her. Unceasingly and unconditionally.

Jenny smiled at the thought that it probably hadn’t even occurred to him that he could just leave. That he wasn’t obligated to stay with her and face all of her struggles. Knowing that she still meant so much to him, that his feelings hadn’t changed a bit after all he’d learned about her today, made her feel a little more ‘intact’ again. He’d been worried, yes, and angry on her behalf, but neither freaked out nor disgusted, treating her with the same caring kindness he always had.

Nevertheless, she was sorry to put him through this. To draw him into yet another of her life’s messes. He didn’t need that, he had enough worries of his own. And she was supposed to make life easier for him. More carefree, less complicated. But without meaning to, she seemed to keep putting him through the wringer.

With all those different kinds of thoughts buzzing through her head, Jenny finally fell into troubled sleep, too exhausted to try and make sense of anything anymore. And even though giving herself a little space and going to bed alone had been her idea, she deeply appreciated the tender arm that unfailingly wrapped around her every time she woke up with a start.


	71. Chapter 71

Jenny opened her eyes, blinking leisurely in the dark and brushing a few strands of tousled hair from her face. Her dream was fading fast, gone before she had a chance to hang on to it, but at least she was sure that it hadn’t been a nightmare. And surprisingly, for the first time in quite a while, she actually felt rested. Or maybe not so surprisingly at all. She’d wanted the truth, she’d got the truth, albeit a rather devastating one. But at least it had put an end to all the guessing, the uncertainty. Everything was better than not knowing what was happening to her and why, even though the answers she’d longed for seemed to be raising even more questions.

Leonard’s warm hand was resting protectively on her hip, and, sighing contentedly, she carefully turned towards him, sensing the soft expression on his face rather than making it out, as her eyes adjusted to the darkness. Tenderly regarding the doctor’s face, as he puffed out gentle snores, obviously exhausted but seeming content to be lying next to her, her initial feeling of guilt over having pushed him away and kept him from his own bed last evening gradually gave way to grateful love so intense, it brought tears to her eyes.

All of a sudden, what had seemed so overwhelming and scary yesterday, didn’t seem all that daunting anymore. True, she might not be who she’d thought she was. But Leonard had been right. If she stopped to think about it, she didn’t really _feel_ any different at all. No different from the way she had ever since waking up in this century. Or even only just a day ago. The only difference was that she knew the truth about herself now. But other than that, she still felt exactly the same. Real, solid, human in every way.

Whatever had happened to her, whoever she’d been before, fact was that she’d suddenly found herself in the 23rdcentury with no choice but to start over. She’d been forced to build a completely new life for herself, and, thankfully, it had turned out wonderful. Despite having had to catch up on a few hundred years, she’d achieved good qualifications, had already made a name for herself in her chosen field of linguistics, and her Starfleet career was progressing nicely, too. She’d even been cleared for starship duty despite her shortcomings.

And as for her private life, that simply couldn't be any better. She’d made wonderful friends in this century, found a new home on the _Enterprise_ , and, most amazingly by far, she’d found love. True, unconditional love. The kind she’d always thought existed only in books and movies. Until Leonard had shown her that it could happen in real life, too. Proving it to her in a million ways, day after day.

She might not yet remember much about her ‘other’ life, assuming the memories she was only just regaining were hers – Jenny still wasn’t clear about that. But she was absolutely sure that neither she nor her alter ego had ever been happier than she was now with this precious gem of a man by her side.

Just as she was about to wipe a few emotional tears from her face, strong arms wrapped around her and pulled her into the warmest hug.

“How’re you feeling, love?” Leonard murmured in her ear, his voice deep and gravelly from sleep, and she felt a thrill, realising how lucky she was to get to hear him like this.

“Hungry,” was the first thing that came to mind, and it was true.

The doctor’s chest rumbled with a chuckle in response, as he craned his neck to look at the time.

“It’s the middle of the night,” he laughed, nuzzling her hair and ordering the lights on. “But how about those sandwiches now?”

Jenny nodded eagerly, lifting her head to look into Leonard’s eyes, which were still a little unfocused from only just having woken up, and immediately lost herself in their softness and warmth, revealing his joy at finding her feeling better again.

“You look well-rested, love,” Leonard smiled, tenderly running his fingers through her hair.

“I am,” she confirmed, beaming at him, then softly added, “But only because someone kindly decided to come to bed and hold me through all my strange dreams, even though I turned him away earlier tonight.”

“I couldn’t have stayed away any longer,” the doctor sighed, gently cupping her cheeks in his hands and gazing deep into her eyes.

“I’m sorry I made you,” Jenny whispered, guiltily burying her face in his neck.

“Don’t be,” Leonard murmured, tenderly ruffling her hair. “You needed space. That’s perfectly normal in your situation. You have to find your own way of dealing with this. I’ll support whatever you feel is right for you.”

“Thank you,” she breathed, her heart brimming over at his infinite kindness and understanding. “You know, sometimes I really think you have a better idea of what I need than I do!”

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” the doctor chuckled, clasping her tightly to him, “but I _do_ know that you need tons of hugs and tender touch, and I happen to have loads to give.”

* * *

Releasing her from his embrace when she started to giggle and wheeze exaggeratedly, McCoy sat up and grudgingly swung his legs out of bed. He felt like he’d only just fallen asleep, but finding Hope so chipper, he saw his chance to talk to her about Section 31.

While Hope busied herself making coffee, the doctor took all the ingredients he needed from the small stasis unit and set about fixing the promised sandwiches. He’d never bothered with food in his quarters in the past, always eating in the mess or, if there was no time, making do with a little snack in his office. But ever since Hope had moved in, he’d taken to keeping a small stash of supplies just in case. With her poor eating habits, he wanted to be able to feed her whenever he got the chance. Like right now, in the middle of the night.

Fondly shaking his head, he reached out for her and roped her into his arms until she was flush against him, smiling up at him with a questioning gaze.

 _Talk about having one’s life turned upside down_ , he thought affectionately.

Hope was certainly not the only one. His life had been turned upside down the moment he’d laid eyes on her, and he’d loved every minute since.

“How can you still love me just the same after finding out I’m not ... me?” she asked softly, looking him straight in the eye.

“How could I not?” he countered, his heart clenching at the question. “Besides, to me you _are_ still you! Amazing, wonderful you. Whoever you might or might not have been before, you’re still exactly the same woman I met and fell in love with. And contrary to your belief that you’re suddenly only half a person, or lacking in something, or whatever it feels like for you, I can only keep assuring you that you are as complete, as whole, as real as anyone could possibly be. And I know that for a fact, as your doctor and as your friend.”

Hope wasn’t really questioning his love, they both knew that. But right now, she needed to hear all those reassurances over and over again, and, of course, he was more than happy to oblige.

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to sound like a broken record,” she apologised sheepishly, and McCoy filed the curious expression away to follow up later, used to her employing the strangest metaphors by now, “but those same questions are going to bother me for a while longer, I fear.”

“I know, love”, he replied gently, tightening his arms around her and kissing the tip of her nose. “And anything else would really have me worried, believe me. But you’ll always have me to talk to and reassure you. And I’ll certainly never stop reminding you how wonderful you are, and how much I love you.”

The doctor turned back to his sandwiches, and Hope took their coffees over to the couch, curling up comfortably and wrapping herself in her favourite fleecy robe, a far too big, fluffy cloud of little stars and planets. It had originally been his, a present from Joanna when she was still a little girl, but Hope had more or less appropriated it for herself and, admittedly, looked adorable in it.

“So, you’re feeling more like yourself again,” McCoy said lightly, setting down the plates on the coffee table and collapsing onto the couch next to her. “It’s good to see the colour back in your cheeks, and the light back in your eyes!”

Hope’s gaze drifted off into the distance for a moment, and he was almost afraid he’d said something wrong, but then her lips curled into a smile, and she looked up at him with the warmest expression on her face.

“Actually, I’m feeling terrific,” she beamed at him, “because I realised that all these weird … accidents turned out to be the best thing that could ever have happened to me.”

“Oh? How’s that?” the doctor asked, smiling at her sudden euphoria, even as he mentally prepared himself for the next kick in the teeth, aware that mood swings were typical of the post-traumatic recovery process and setbacks were inevitable.

“Because they brought me to you,” she explained solemnly, snuggling against him. “To find love I never even knew existed before I met you. If there’s any reason for what I went through, any sense in what happened to me at all, it was for you and me to meet.”

“I’m awfully sorry for everything you had to go through, love,” he replied softly, ignoring the lump in his throat. “And I’m heartbroken over the fact that I wasn’t there when you needed me most. But I confess I’m also eternally grateful to fate for bringing you to me. I’d given up on love long before you even arrived in this century, and I certainly never expected to be so blissfully happy one day.”

“Me neither,” Hope mumbled contentedly into his chest. “And I’ll try to keep that in mind when I’m tempted to bemoan my fate the next time I’m faced with new memories – or truths.”

“And I’ll be there to help you through them all,” McCoy promised, choking up a little and hoping she wouldn’t notice. “You’ll never have to face anything on your own again.”

They didn’t move or talk for a couple of minutes, just holding each other and revelling in the warmth and tenderness between them, until Hope finally pulled away, sitting up straight to take a sip of her coffee.

“We wouldn’t want to let those delicious sandwiches go to waste, now, would we?” she smiled, batting her eyelashes at him. “Handmade by the ship’s CMO, no less!”

“We certainly wouldn’t want that!” he agreed, raising a mock-appalled eyebrow and smiling widely before taking a huge bite from his sandwich at the same time she did.

His heart filled with joy at seeing her cheerful self shining through again, if only just temporarily. This was too big for even her to bounce back from right away. They still had a long way to go. But Hope wouldn’t be Hope, if she weren’t fighting to recover her equilibrium as quickly as possible. Positivity was her driving force. Being happy and, above all, spreading happiness were second nature to her, and one of the reasons why he loved and admired her so much.

And sure enough, the doctor felt a tremendous wave of happiness surge through him, just watching her tuck into her sandwich with gusto. Like so often before, the sheer intensity of the tenderness he felt for this woman took his breath away. And he wanted to hold on to the feeling forever. It was pure magic. Hope was.

A few breadcrumbs had got caught in her hair, and McCoy reached out to flick them away, letting his hand linger a moment to caress her face and enjoy the way she instantly leaned into his touch. Like she always did, he thought fondly. And just like she’d already instinctively done during her very first physical, capturing his heart from the word go.

When he dropped his hand back to his knee, Hope covered it with hers, softly running her thumb across his knuckles and gazing at his fingers for the longest time, completely lost in thought.

“What’s on your mind, love?” he asked after a while, gently squeezing her fingers to get her attention. “Anything you’d like to share?”

“Oh, I was just thinking how much I love your hands,” she smiled, her eyes still glued to his fingers. “Your beautiful, comforting, healing hands. So strong and steady, so soft and gentle. So tender, so skilled, so giving.”

The doctor listened, mesmerised, looking at his hands and trying to see them through her eyes. Only Hope would come up with something like this, of course, but knowing how she thrived on touch, it wasn’t actually that surprising, and immediately filled him with a strong desire to put them to good use and give her all the comfort and tender love she craved.

* * *

When Jenny finally tore her eyes away from Leonard’s hands, she caught him gazing at her with this mixture of tender adoration and poorly disguised worry, that immediately told her he wanted to discuss something and didn’t know how to broach the subject.

“What is it, Leonard?” she asked, leaning in for a kiss. “What are you so desperate to tell me?”

He tried to look surprised for a moment, but quickly decided that there was no use pretending. She knew him too well.

“Nothing gets by you, does it?” he chuckled, pressing a gentle kiss on her lips,

“Go on, then!” Jenny smiled encouragingly. “I’ve just had a delicious sandwich, and there’s still coffee in my cup. If you’re going to hit me with yet more disturbing news, I’m ready as I’ll ever be!”

“No more ‘news’, love,” the doctor was quick to assure her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you again. But there’s something else we need to address. Section 31. I’m not sure you realise how important it is that we keep your newly found memories between us.”

_Ah, that._

“Don’t worry,” she gave him a reassuring look, “I’m aware that Section 31 wouldn’t be happy for me to draw attention to them or the way they ‘handle’ things.”

Leonard didn’t seem satisfied with her reaction. Leaning forward, he gripped both of her shoulders and brought his face close to hers, his gaze as serious and intent as she’d ever seen him.

“Listen Jenny,” he said imploringly, “this is important! You mustn’t talk about those memories to anyone. Do you understand? Not to Nyota, not to Pavel, or Christine or Scotty. No one other than Jim, Spock and myself. Talk to me as much and as often as you want to. Or need to. Share every little detail of every new memory with me. I’ll love it! Talk to Jim and Spock anytime. Hell, meld with Spock, if it helps, but don’t involve anyone else. I’m afraid you’ll also have to do with me as your therapist in this.”

Jenny looked at him mildly, incredibly touched by his concern and fierce protectiveness that never failed to bring home just how deep and unswerving his love was.

“I know you think I’m exaggerating because I’m and old worrywart,” the doctor went on with a sigh, sitting back and running a distracted hand through his hair. “And because you want to be carefree again after all this time. It’s perfectly understandable, and I really wish you could. Nothing would make me happier. But please, love, please believe me that this is serious. Please don’t take it lightly. Promise me!”

“Are you done now?” Jenny asked softly, resting her hands reassuringly on his arms. “Of course, I promise, Leonard! I may be inclined to see opportunities where you see danger, but I’m not stupid. I heard what you said, and I get it. I wish I could take all your worries away, and I hate that I cause so many of them in the first place, but my being careless in this matter is one concern you don’t need to have. And for the record, I might not always share your fears, but I always, _always_ take them seriously.”

She shuffled a little closer and took his face between her hands, wanting him to see the sincerity in her eyes.

“And right now, seeing you so tense and beside yourself with worry for me, I don’t think I’ve ever loved you more.”

The words, meant to soothe and reassure Leonard, were barely out, when Jenny broke down in his arms, her own emotions finally getting the better of her. Clinging to him like to a lifeline as he caught her, grateful to feel his strong, loving arms closing tightly around her, she couldn’t stop the big, heavy tears from falling, that were suddenly flooding her eyes.

It wasn’t fear, that finally made her crumble, or sadness, or even anger. She simply felt overwhelmed. Not just by the events and emotions of the past 24 hours. But also by those of the days before. Weeks, even, if she counted all those broken nights with their recurring nightmares. Overwhelmed as much by having her life, her whole existence, called into question, as by all the incredible love, support, and kindness she’d been experiencing.

Leonard’s arms were wrapped tightly around her, his whole body enfolding her, sheltering her, and she could feel him shaking. Was he crying, too? Or was that just her, shaking with long, racking sobs? She couldn't tell, and it didn’t matter. They were one. Her tears were his tears. His fears were her fears. It felt as if they were melting into each other. Not a mind meld, but an emotional one. Never before had she felt so close to anyone. So connected. So whole. So loved.

**Epilogue**

“The captain and I might have found a way to take Lt. Hope back to the past and reintegrate her. I have discovered an anomaly in the time-space continuum, headed for Earth right now, that should help us accomplish that. However, the opportunity will not present itself again within the next 20 years, and given that …”

“What he means to say, Bones, is that this might be our only chance for a long time to do this. I’m sorry, I know it’s very soon, but before we investigate the possibility any further and include Scotty, because we can’t do it without him, we need to know if she, if you, would even want us to go ahead.”

“As you know, Doctor, the situation is in no way comparable to the captain’s predicament after beaming back from planet Alpha 177.1) Quite obviously, there is no immediate danger for Hope. She is a complete and healthy person, not missing half of her qualities, half of her personality. But the approach we’ve come up with to reintegrate her would be similar. Anyway, the decision would have to be made within the next 48 hours, since the anomaly will only be there for a very limited period. And allowing for the time needed to get Hope to Earth …”

“Yeah, yeah, Spock, I get it, it’s urgent. Give me a minute to get my head around this, and I’ll go talk to her right away.”

* * *

Visions of dead little canines on transporter platforms1) and lonely old country doctors danced before McCoy’s eyes, as he blindly made his way through the corridors, unable to even imagine life without Hope anymore.

_Life without hope, indeed!_

He was only human! How was he supposed to talk to her about this without bias? Advise her on doing something that was possibly dangerous and definitely breaking his heart, yet might prove equally unsafe for her not to do?

When the doctor entered his quarters, still clueless as to the best way of addressing the matter, yet determined to get it over with quickly, he found the lights set to low and Hope already in bed. She had her eyes closed, lips slightly apart, and he thought he’d never seen anything more beautiful.

His whole life, everything he could ever need or want, was lying right there in front of him, and his heart didn’t know whether to melt or break as he quietly sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Jenny? Love?” he whispered, but the only answer he got was a soft grunt and a tiny hint of a smile as she turned her face a little towards him.

She had returned with a landing party from a high-gravity planet only a couple of hours ago, and they’d all come back pretty bushed. McCoy silently changed out of his uniform and slid into bed, smiling when Hope opened a sleepy eye and gave his arm a little nudge, demanding he raise it for her to nestle into.

“I’m knackered,” she mumbled drowsily into the crook of his neck, snuggling comfortably against him. “The gravity down there was really something else.”

“Nothing that a good night’s sleep and a cuddle won’t cure,” the doctor chucked, tenderly stroking her hair.

“Was there anything you wanted to talk about?”

“Shhh … That can wait until tomorrow. Just go back to sleep and let me hold you.”

“Mmmmmh! My favourite place in the whole world. Promise you’ll always be there!”

* * *

1) Reference to the TOS episode “The Enemy Within”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for sticking with me – or rather with Hope and McCoy – to the end! 🙏  
> Although, if you know me at all by now, you’ll know that this is most definitely not the end. Their journey has only just begun, hasn’t it? 😉
> 
> Meaning there will be another part starting shortly. Angst and fluff guaranteed! I’ll just need a little time to sort through all the bits and pieces and put them into chronological order. 😅 
> 
> So, if you’ve grown as fond of Jenny and Leonard as I have, and want to know what further "adventures” fate has in store for them, you can subscribe to my "There’s Always Hope” series or my username to be notified when the first chapter of the next part is out. 
> 
> Thanks again for your loyalty and all your lovely comments that mean the world to me! ❤️
> 
> Stay safe, take care, see you again soon! 😘


End file.
